insomnie Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 My boyfriend of two years, who's never given me any real reason to question his faithfulness, has always mentioned that he thinks girls and guys can't "just" be friends. He doensn't have a very impressive record of having "platonic" friends, either- I think he's ended up sleeping with/dating EVERY girl he's ever been friends or aquaintances with. The two yeras we've been together, all his friends have been guys, so I've never had reason to be suspicious. Until now... A couple of weeks ago, I was on his computer when an IM from a girl popped up. It was very short...just a hey, followed by two smileys. I didn't think much of it, but when I told him that so and so had IMed him, his automoatic response was "don't worry, I'm not having an affair." Then, I noticed a girl was leaving messages for him on his facebook....nothing too personal, but because he is always saying girls and guys can't just be friends, and because he's left his previous girlfriends for female friends....I did a little digging. Turns out, same girl as before. She is very pretty and seems very nice. They have a common interest and that is how they know each other. He probably sees her every two weeks or so when he goes to other cities to compete in this interest he has. I found her blog, in which she mentioned him several times. About how she had stayed the night at his grandma's, hanging out with him and some other friends. About how much fun they apparently had. He loves going to these competitions where he sees her, and I've never had a problem wiht it, but he's never mentioned her before. I had no idea he was having sleepovers with her and other friends at the grandmother's house, either...I'd always assumed that was a guy-only thing, and he'd never bothered to correct me. And now I just feel jealous and insecure. This hobby has always been his thing only, he's never wanted me involved at all. I was completely ok with that because I realize everyone needs something of their own outside the relationship. But, now he has a female friend outside of it, who is sleeping with him at his grandmother's house, travelling with him to other cities, etc. Basically doing fun thigns with him that I don't get to do. And it's making me feel sick with envy. I know I might be completely overreacting, but I wouldn't feel this way if I knew he was even CAPABLE of being "just" friends with anyone. But he's said so himself: girls and guys are never just friends. So, I'm led to wonder. Should I confront him about it? What would that accomplish? I know it's unreasonable to expect him not to interact with girls, and that he'll cheat if he wants to and it isn't my responsibility to prevent him, etc., but...ugh. I just want to stop feeling this way. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 If she is "just" a friend, then there's no reason why you can't meet her and ALL of you go out for dinner or something. If he has nothing to hide, then he'll have NO problem with this. See, men and woman can be friends, as long as the boyfriend/girlfriend, hubby/wife knows the friend as well, and they're included in the friendship. Many mature adults can handle a buddy or two that are of the opposite sex. If one can't handle that, then your boyfriends theory is correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Author insomnie Posted September 26, 2006 Author Share Posted September 26, 2006 Well, aside from the "I'm not having an affair" comment, he's never mentioned this new friend to me at all. I was always led to believe that his out-of-town trips to tournaments were guy-only... and only after finding her blog online did I realize this isn't the case, and that he hangs out with girls (her) when he does this. I don't know if they hang out enough for it to be classified a legitimate friendship - he only sees her maybe twice a month, wheras I see him almost every other day - but still, it makes me nervous. Especially since I am starting to realize they also talk online, and that she considers him a friend. I just don't know how I can bring this up without coming off as very insecure. Or if I should at all - maybe I'm overreacting. I never want to become a controlling gf. On the other hand, I don't want to become one of those naive gf's that get walked all over, either. I do believe girls and guys can be friends...I have guy friends too. But, I don't keep them a secret. And if I ever think these guy friends are itnerested in me, like this girl might be interested in my bf...I terminate the friendships, because I don't want to disrespect my relationship. I think he values me as a gf enough not to do anything stupid, and I do trust him, but I wish I could at least meet her. Be involved in that part of his life at least enough to know who his friends are. Does that make sense? But a big issue we've had in the past is him thinking I was "controlling" him, especially as related to these out-of-town tournament things. He felt I didn't want him to go...and it made him want to break up with me. I'm afraid if I bring this up, and suggest he take me along or something he'll freak out again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 have guy friends too. But, I don't keep them a secret. And if I ever think these guy friends are itnerested in me, like this girl might be interested in my bf...I terminate the friendships, because I don't want to disrespect my relationship. And he can't or won't give you the same respect? WHY is she a secret?? I think he values me as a gf enough not to do anything stupid, and I do trust him, but I wish I could at least meet her. Be involved in that part of his life at least enough to know who his friends are. Does that make sense? But a big issue we've had in the past is him thinking I was "controlling" him, especially as related to these out-of-town tournament things. He felt I didn't want him to go...and it made him want to break up with me. I'm afraid if I bring this up, and suggest he take me along or something he'll freak out again. Exactly. What's the big deal with you meeting her? Maybe nothing is going on, in the sense of him cheating on you, but he obviously is enjoying time spent with her, abit more than he should be. Emotionally he's probably attached to her, and who knows what she feels for him. Listen to your gut! GO with him and just play it cool. Try to! Watch how they are, interact and how she 'is' with him. If you notice her looking at him, smiling, being affectionate (touchy-feely kind of deal) then you'll know 'something' is growing between them. And, ofcourse, if he acts weird around you. Men and women who "like" eachother can't hide that well, especially if the spouse is there. One (her) will act odd and feel out of place, maybe even showing jealously. Link to post Share on other sites
narcist_ave Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 First of all, you didnt know about these sleepovers? I dont get why out of mere conversations he never brought them up makes me wonder if he ever brought you up to her? I agree with what everyone else said. and your reaction is perfectly normal. "I'm afraid if I bring this up, and suggest he take me along or something he'll freak out again." I would bring it up again. A man can only do what you allow them to do, and if you dont open your mouth about being involved, then you never will be. Ive learned this the hard way ! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 I went through the same type of secrecy with now ex G/F. She would be talking to and hanging out with guys I didn't know, and the only reason I found out was they happened to call her cell when she wasn't around (or I caught her with them). Every time I brought up that it bothered me, I would get the typical "your being possesive" or "clingy". I would feel guilty and question whether I had issues or not, until I found out she was blantantly lying in my face. Hopefully that won't happen to you. Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticAlisha Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 There is nothing wrong with the way that you feel. My boyfriend does that same things to me. he has all these "good friendships" with other girls, but do you think that i have ever met them? nope. of course not. im not saying he cant have other friends..or interact with other girls, but if it is nothing that is threatening to your relationship, why isnt he divuldging info to you...why isnt he saying something like oh i met this really cool girl, i think you would like her...i want you to meet her so we can all hang out sometime. when you feel like you have to hide something, it usually isnt good. After reading a dozen of ppls posts, i have realized that almost everyone has the same problems...the same behaviors..i really wonder if there is any happiness out there. I really believe that you will never ever be happy if you depend on someone else to take care of you emotionally. No one will ever love and respect you as much as you love and respect yourself. If he loves you, and he respects your feelings, you will know this girl...but if you find anything else out..it just isnt worth it. He is hiding things from you not to save your feelings of hurt, or distrust...but only to cover his own ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 After reading a dozen of ppls posts, i have realized that almost everyone has the same problems...the same behaviors..i really wonder if there is any happiness out there I ask myself the same damn question everyday. Pretty ****ed up world we live in. Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Whether he says men and women can't be friends or not is not the issue. The big red flag for me was how he omitted that any female is sleeping over with him in the same house when he is out of town. It is bad enough if a guy tells his GF that and tries to play it off, the omission of the truth is a lie in and of itself. That is bad. Very very bad. You are not overreacting. Even if you talk about this with him and get to the bottom of it and meet her, there has been too much cover ups, too many lies. I don't know if this is a relationship you want to save. It would be bad enough if you knew about her and he was trying to play it off like they were friends, and you could have seen for yourself, but you found all of this out by accident and through digging. Not a good sign. But it does not sound like you would leave him over this, from your hesitancy to doubt yourself and question if you have a right to be upset. IMHO, I would be as hurt by the lying and broken trust, at this point wether there is somethiung going on or how far is besides the point. Let me ask you something? Can you ever trust him again? He was going out of town and had a SLEEPOVER with this girl and you never even mentioned her. I always find out about my BF's friends, who they are, and how well they know eachother. But this is crazy, please dump him. He abused your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
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