Pyschological warfare re-visited

[Ukwizard]

Hi folks. OI found this post way back in 2005 posted by youngchase2005.

 

It couldn`t be more true.I hope this helps people get their second chance.

 

Psychological Warfare: Upping the odds of winning the ex

There are many posts on how to get over an ex. Most people, including myself, ask questions hoping to gain some insight into the minds and hearts of an old flame, not to get over them, but to get them back or keep them for good. I myself am a psychology major, so I have my own techniques for keeping my ex in tow. However, I have found no new advice on the subject because many here seem to stress that the good fight of love and war is too draining and stressful to attempt and be won. I myself attempted and won the war, only to find out I don't want my ex back. I know...Shameful...But here are my words on some basic advice for getting the ex back.

 

Remember, if they never had feelings for you, this most likely will not work.

 

Stage 1: THE BREAK UP

 

Simply say "Ok...I'm sorry it didn't work out for us...Have a nice life." and leave. Do not look back. Go home, cry, scream, tear something up. BUT DO NOT CONTACT THEM. By doing this you will catch them off guard, and the abrupt ending will leave them constantly thinking about you simply because they can't imagine how you were so cool about it.

 

Take all his/her things that you have, box them up, and hide them. Delete his/her number, messages, emails, and IM names. Throw a "singles" or attend a party proclaiming yourself as single. Make sure you have good friends who are willing to listen to you talk about your ex.

 

Now the hard part. You have to conciously believe in your mind that your ex was a fairytale you read in a book, and now the book is over. It may sound silly, but you MUST create a reality in your mind of your old flame being nothing but a fairy tale, and you have to speak of it that way. Remember that the book is over, it only had a finite number of pages in it, so you can only re-read the fantasy, but you can never continue it.

 

All of these phases will give you the emotional strength you need to win them or eventually concede defeat. However, I have never failed to get an ex to contact me within a month.

 

Stage 2: RECONTACT

During recontact it is an ABSOULTE MUST that YOU take control.

 

Whenever your ex calls always seem too busy for long conversations. Tell them you have to get going in mid-conversation and that you will call them back. OR during a conversation, go to your door, open, say "Hey sweetheart" then tell your ex you have to go. And most importantly, before your ex can say anything about the relationship, tell him/her that you are glad you guys can remain friends, and tell him/her that he/she was your BEST friend. Let your ex plan a meeting, but when they suggest it, do not settle for the date they want. Tell them you are busy and only available on "this day." Once again, you are asserting control.

 

Don't ask your ex. TELL THEM!!

Example:

I want to see you next week = BAD

I will see you next week around... = GOOD

 

However, seem cool about this and only do it for the first few recontacts. You dont want to push them away, you want them to chase you.

 

Stage 3: THE MEETING AND BEYOND

 

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER give into physical contact. Smile, give them the seductive look, but do not touch. Talk about casual things. Get your ex to see you as someone they can talk to about anything. Reaffirm them being your best friend and treat them that way, and all the while reaffirming in your mind that a romantic relationship with the person is an unrealistic fantasy. Try and have dates or friends call you while you are meeting with your ex. Talk about the positive things in your life.

 

Stage 4: REKINDLING THE RELATIONSHIP

 

You unfortunately have to wait for your ex to bring up the relationship topic. Don't let them know how much control they have over your heart. Just let them know that you missed their FRIENDSHIP. Let them know you are happy and just get as close to them as possible without hinting a relationship, ike watch tv with them WITHOUT touching, go to them with the movies, talk to them for hours about life, etc. A strong friendship is the best start of a never-ending relationship.

 

Well, those are a few words of my 2 cents. They aren't all encompassing, especially since my fingers are getting tired of typing, but hopefully the above pointers will help someone.

[Ukwizard]

Crumbs! Doesn`t anyone have any comments about this?

[Art_Critic]

Remember, if they never had feelings for you

 

This is what I have found for the ex that brought me here a while back ago .. So no reason to read any further...

 

I think each and every relationship is different and has a different dynamic that you cannot apply a template to ..

 

Without 2 people talking the chances of a 2nd chance or rekindling anything are about zero

 

My 2 pennies

[Vanquish]

Hmm can you reverse this process on the dumper? If you were the dumpee. The only contact i had with my ex was me being positive and indifferent and her being cold and non-acknowledging. Yet she was the one that always broke NC. I only broke NC because i had to. We are at the stage where i am moving along financially and physically while she is back in another relationship. I'm not sure what hinderance that will put on me trying to rekindle anything, but with me she tryed to go back to her first ex and that didn't work, so we shall see. Either way if she calls im going to be indifferent and work on my time not hers.

[Ukwizard]

Without 2 people talking the chances of a 2nd chance or rekindling anything are about zero

I couldn`t agree more Art_critic. There has to be communication on both sides. I m with you on that one.

 

I m also very much like Vanquish`s position. I tend to be positive, and upbeat. My ex has turned cold turkey, and non-acknowledging too. My ex had had 6 relationships in the last 18 or so months. She just finished her sixth boyfriend last month. I was the third. I lasted the longest for 7 months!! She`s trying to rekindle something with her 4th boyfriend.

 

I m moving on too. I told her I wont be waiting for her, and I currently dating someone else too, but my ex was a bench mark. She really loved my like no other.

 

I have to say there is some truth in the above post, and I agree with Art, that not all relationships are the same you can apply it to.

[heyduh]

uk dude, forget using psychology to get back an ex .. it would require too much energy and would drain you emotionally ... but ... think of it as a tool to use moving forward ...

 

i posted some stuff on another forum that you might be interested in .. here goes:

 

a solid understanding of psychology will definitely give you the edge in any and all interpersonal relationships. if you have patience and can really control your own emotions, it will make you a master manipulator .. it is not a bad thing ... keep reading ...

 

whether or not it helps you get your ex back depends on many factors. it may not be possible if the ex has gone past the point of no return, it may be possible after years and years of "manipulation" .. or it may just happen soon ... but even if it is possible it will be a LOT of effort trying to do so.

 

instead i suggest you use your new found psychological skills to find and keep a new mate ... and enrich your own life and relationships with the understanding that you have of human interactions ...

 

and don't get disenchanted with all the negative comments on this thread ... most of the folks here on eNotAlone are in complete denial of the fact that each and every person in the world is a manipulator .. this includes peolpe like Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela .. infact these Nobel Peace Prize winners are MASTER MANIPULATORS!

 

think about it, they manipulate the masses with non-violence, love and peace

 

the other thing that most of the folks here on eNotAlone are denying is that they are the biggest (and usually unskilled) manipulators themselves ...

 

when they talk to the ex ... or beg, please, rationalize, try to seek approval or give approval, cry, argue, send flowers, write emails, make calls or return calls after 3 days, buying presents, making yourself look pretty, doing NC with the hope of getting back the ex, try to make the ex jealous etc etc etc ... all of these are nothing but tactics of manipulation!!!

 

usually the people do it without knowing what the heck they are doing .. they "assume" they know that reverse psychology works so they will try their own way of doing this but really they do not have a solid understanding of what they are doing .. so they end up being emotional and ineffectual manipulators ....

 

 

the moral or ethical issue that these people are worried about is if you are trying to force someone to do something against their own will, controling them, or manipulating them into doing something *bad* ...

 

manipulating someone into liking you more, or loving you more is not inherently a bad thing because at the core, this will succeed only if you first manipulate YOURSELF into being the person that your lover (or ex) will LOVE .. and then manipulate them into seeing it )

 

PS .. another piece of unethical advice .. if you know how to search P2P networks, you'll find copies of almost all books, ebooks, workshops, seminars etc about relationships FOR FREE!! including the book on reverse psychology

 

 

just wanted to add that reverse psychology is just one tactic that can be used in influence and persuasion (which is what relationships are all about, c'mon be honest)

 

there are tons of other books out there on NLP and influence strategies .. one of them i'm reading right now is Sleight of Mouth by R. Dilts ..

 

here is some more info.. "Sleight of Mouth involves clever language patterns which can have a huge impact in the mind of the listener.

 

The concept was devised by Robert Dilts who observed Richard Bandler (the co-founder of Neuro-linguistic programming), who always seemed to win arguments. By breaking down the methods, Dilts came up with 14 (sometimes stated as 16 or other) patterns. The persuasive power of someone who is well-versed in Sleight of Mouth is nothing short of amazing."

 

and here is an example of how SoM works (theoretical arguement between a couple??)

 

nagging wife or g/f: You're late again, which means you don't love me.

 

possible responses using SoM:

Intent: I'm glad you care enough about me to be concerned about that.

Consequence: You're just trying to get me to always fit within your timetable.

Another Outcome: Would you have preferred me to cancel our dinner, if I knew I was going to be late?

Counter Example: Have you ever loved someone, but still been late?

Apply to Self: An accusation like that makes it sound like you don't love me.

Reality Strategy: How did you come to that conclusion? Has someone accused you of something similar in the past?

Model of the World: I'm guessing that it's not so much that I'm late, but you're concerned about me not focusing on the little things in our relationship.

Meta frame: Where did you learn that being on time equates to love?

Change Frame Size: Most people are late for meetings every day ... are you saying that none of them care?

Hierarchy of Criteria: Isn't it more important that I actually made the effort to get here, in spite of everything that happened along the way?

Chunk Down: What about all the times I have been on time?

Chunk Up: You're judging an entire relationship based on time-keeping?

Metaphor/Analogy: Isn't that like saying if you don't cook for me every time, you don't love me?

Redefine: You're saying a small delay defines an entire relationship?

 

 

SoM claims to be about *belief* change.. so from the example above you can see how the henpecked (but psychology educated husband may be able to reframe his wife's argument in many different ways ...

i'm still very much a novice but the little i've used on friends and family (during casual banter) .. its been nothing short of AmAZiNg because I can pick the most logical (and emotionally neutral) reframe from one or more of the above *patterns* and the person who I'm having a casual argument with is more often then not left speechless!!!

 

let's look at the above arguement again:

 

nagging wife or g/f: You're late again, which means you don't love me.

 

husband responds using SoM:

Model of the World: I'm guessing that it's not so much that I'm late, but you're concerned about me not focusing on the little things in our relationship.

 

this opens the dialogue into deeper relationship issues rather than focusing on the symptom of anger @ his being late

 

if husband responds with Counter Example: Have you ever loved someone, but still been late? and the wife will realize just how lame her accusation was in the first place

 

obviously the application of SoM (and any other psychological tactic) is situational and would require some amount of thought, emotional control and experience ...

[tangerine trees]

ok what should I do in this situation, i think its a little different:

 

So in my situation, this guy really cared about me and really pursued me. He said he didnt think I liked him when we initially got together. Things were really good for a while, but then all of a sudden, he stopped responding to my calls and blowing me off. Now I haven't heard from him in a month.

 

I have done no contact; I sent him one message that said "Have I done something wrong? Sorry to keep bothering you mith messages and phone calls, I just miss you." and after he didnt respond to that, I gave up.

 

 

I didn't understand what went wrong. I accidentally saw him and a friend in a coffee shop, and he was polite but cold. I asked his friend later if he knew WHY this had happened, and his friend said that he mentioned something about my mom yelling at him. Granted, my mom DID freak out at his family, calling his mom multiple times, probably screaming at her. I think other factors must have played into it too though, such as him being away at school.

 

If this is really the reason that he ended it, does that mean theres more of a chance of reconcilliation?

 

Also, would it be bad to send him a brief letter along with a CD he left in my car? You know, something like "Remember [insert memory]? I really liked you. Hope we can be friends again some day." Because you know, some people are saying pour your heart out once, and I never poured it out at all.

[Ukwizard]

Heyduh! That was a really informative post. Its like an addition to youngchase`s post from last year. I absolutely agree with you Sleight of Mouth approach.

 

SoM sounds like softening an argument, but being constructive at the same time. It gives positive feedback, without the harshness of a typical argument.

 

Its like avoiding the argument itself!

 

nagging wife or g/f: You're late again, which means you don't love me.

 

husband responds using SoM:

Model of the World: I'm guessing that it's not so much that I'm late, but you're concerned about me not focusing on the little things in our relationship.

 

this opens the dialogue into deeper relationship issues rather than focusing on the symptom of anger @ his being late

 

if husband responds with Counter Example: Have you ever loved someone, but still been late? and the wife will realize just how lame her accusation was in the first place

This is fab! Why havent you posted before about this. I m impressed.