Some Q's for the women on here about confidence.

[Ross_K]

Well I've seen some okay places in Brignorth which is a nice area which cost £400 a month rent. I'm sure with enough looking I could find somewhere suitable which is £300 a month rent.

[burning 4 revenge]

And that's another thing. It's cheaper here.

[SmoochieFace]

I've always really wanted to move over to America for that very reason, I'd do anything to live over there, it seems to be a lot more my kind of place, the people also seem to be a lot more my kind of people as well.

 

Yeah, well, America is quite expensive too. You're gonna need more than a minimum wage job here if you wanna stay out of the ghetto.

[dgiirl]

Did you realise I suffer from social anxiety, and maybe also depression?

 

Seems like you forgot about that.

 

Your post screams of ignorance, unwillingness to understand and coldness.

 

Would you kick someone out of the house because they don't have any legs either?

 

No i havent forgot about that. But why dont you re-read walk's post? Seems she suffers from social anxiety too, yet she doesnt let it defeat her. And yes, I suffer from social anxiety too, and I also was depressed. So I know how it feels and I ALSO know how to get out of it. And you will not get out of it by just sitting there. You will not get out of it by being babyed. And you will not get out of it if your first reaction whenever anyone challenges you is to throw a "poor me I suffer from depression" to get sympathy. You actually have to do something, no matter how small it is, but you have to do SOMEthing. Someone suggest that if you dont have a job, you should be OUT side atleast looking for a job. And I agree completely. Maybe you are not ready to look for a job, but you should definitely NOT be staying at home surfing the internet 8 hrs a day that just enables you to live like a hermit and avoid your fears. You need to get out of the house, even if it's for a 10 min walk at first.

 

Let me ask you something. You said you had a life up till 26. What changed at 26 to lead you to where you are now?

 

It's interesting how you pick and choose what to respond too. How come you never answer direct questions that actually might help you in being proactive, yet are willing to attack others who dont show "compassion"?

[littlekitty]

Well I've seen some okay places in Brignorth which is a nice area which cost £400 a month rent. I'm sure with enough looking I could find somewhere suitable which is £300 a month rent.

 

Ahhh that's good then. It's cheaper up your end of the country!!

[SmoochieFace]

And that's another thing. It's cheaper here.

 

Yeah, if you wanna live in the crime and roach infested projects or if you wanna live in the middle of the desert. A houseboat on the Great Salt Lake might be a possibility too.

[Ross_K]

No i havent forgot about that.

 

Then I don't think you're looking at this with the right amount of intelligence.

 

But why dont you re-read walk's post? Seems she suffers from social anxiety too, yet she doesnt let it defeat her.

 

Did you realise people are different?

 

Just because she doesn't let it defeat her doesn't mean that I have the same strength to do the same myself.

 

And yes, I suffer from social anxiety too, and I also was depressed. So I know how it feels and I ALSO know how to get out of it.

 

Then you really should be more compassionate, it wouldn't be as bad if you didn't understand what social anxiety and depression is like...

 

And you will not get out of it by just sitting there.

 

I'm not just sitting here, seems like you need some reading lessons, missy.

 

You will not get out of it by being babyed. And you will not get out of it if your first reaction whenever anyone challenges you is to throw a "poor me I suffer from depression" to get sympathy.

 

Ah, the tough love attitude eh? How many times have I experienced this before?

 

Let me tell you, this attitude, does not help people in the slightest. Lose it and you'll find you'll become a more likeable person.

 

Anyway, so what're you saying, that I should say I'm perfectly fine? That'd sure help wouldn't it?

 

I'm explaining my situation which includes me having depression, to try and get help on here. If I could already 'deal with it' and take on the challenges, I wouldn't be asking for help/advice on this forum, in fact if everyone was like that these forums wouldn't exist.

 

 

You actually have to do something, no matter how small it is, but you have to do SOMEthing.

 

Um, that's what I am doing. I think you need to read through the topics thouroughly this time. If you have any problems along the way, just let me know.

 

Someone suggest that if you dont have a job, you should be OUT side atleast looking for a job. And I agree completely. Maybe you are not ready to look for a job, but you should definitely NOT be staying at home surfing the internet 8 hrs a day that just enables you to live like a hermit and avoid your fears.

 

Did I say that I sit at home surfing the net 8 hours a day? I don't think so.

 

You need to get out of the house, even if it's for a 10 min walk at first.

 

I do sometimes, how the hell do you think I get my hair cut, buy things from the shops, see the doctor to get a new script for medication, ect?

 

Let me ask you something. You said you had a life up till 26. What changed at 26 to lead you to where you are now?

 

I moved to this area, where all the bullying is. I also just feel unhappy here anyway, and I really don't fit in up here.

 

It's interesting how you pick and choose what to respond too.

 

Do I? I've never noticed to be honest.

 

How come you never answer direct questions that actually might help you in being proactive

 

Are you sure you're not just making all this up? I do answer the majority of questions, whether they help me to be more proactive or otherwise.

 

yet are willing to attack others who dont show "compassion"?

 

Well, does it surprise you when someone doesn't take too kindly to the attitude of 'get over it'?

 

Like I said, lose the 'tude.

[littlekitty]

It's interesting how you pick and choose what to respond too. How come you never answer direct questions that actually might help you in being proactive, yet are willing to attack others who dont show "compassion"?

 

Actually Ross, even I noticed you didn't answer all my questions, especially the ones asking what you proactively doing....

 

I know you feel defensive here, but it's worth looking at the points people make.

[burning 4 revenge]

Actually Ross, even I noticed you didn't answer all my questions, especially the ones asking what you proactively doing....

 

I know you feel defensive here, but it's worth looking at the points people make.

Now LK, you're already on John's blacklist.

[littlekitty]

Now LK, you're already on John's blacklist.

 

Ahh well....!! I'm not sure I'm that bothered!!

 

I'm blunt, what can I say? If they don't like it, they don't have to read it!

[SmoochieFace]

Then I don't think you're looking at this with the right amount of intelligence.

 

Oh, that's nice. Attack someone's level of intelligence. That will most definitely help you 'win' lots of friends.

 

 

Did you realise people are different?

 

Of course, but that doesn't give you any sort of licence to treat people who are trying to help you like ****.

 

 

Just because she doesn't let it defeat her doesn't mean that I have the same strength to do the same myself.

 

Self-defeating attitude again...

 

 

Then you really should be more compassionate, it wouldn't be as bad if you didn't understand what social anxiety and depression is like...

 

Oh, just stop it already! There are plenty of people who have 'issues', Ross. Guess what? I have 'issues' too. Everyone has them! What sets them apart from you apparently is that they aren't looking for 'handouts'. They have self-respect. They have dignity. They pick themselves up when they stumble and they try again. THAT is how you build up confidence in yourself - not constantly whining about how 'pathetic' you are. They WORK on themselves.

 

Good God... WALK even told you that you are attractive based on your pic! You should be smiling since now you know that your 'belief' that all women find you 'ugly' is obviously wrong. Right?

 

 

I'm not just sitting here, seems like you need some reading lessons, missy.

 

Ross? THIS is the sort of attitude that turns people off. People, in general, do not like to be 'put down' like that. Once again, that behaviour is not attractive.

 

 

Ah, the tough love attitude eh? How many times have I experienced this before?

 

Tough love can actually be a good thing IF you have the right attitude about it. You take everything so personally therefore you will lash out at those who are simply trying to help you. You cannot be helped if people only tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes a bit of 'tough love' can be a powerful motivator.

 

 

Let me tell you, this attitude, does not help people in the slightest. Lose it and you'll find you'll become a more likeable person.

 

Actually, you should be taking that advice for yourself, Ross.

 

 

Anyway, so what're you saying, that I should say I'm perfectly fine? That'd sure help wouldn't it?

 

No, you should acknowledge that you have 'issues' and that you sincerely want to work on them.

 

 

I'm explaining my situation which includes me having depression, to try and get help on here. If I could already 'deal with it' and take on the challenges, I wouldn't be asking for help/advice on this forum, in fact if everyone was like that these forums wouldn't exist.

 

Well, people are going to be less inclined to help you if you throw **** in their faces when they give you advice. You've been doing that and it's quite distasteful.

 

 

Um, that's what I am doing. I think you need to read through the topics thouroughly this time. If you have any problems along the way, just let me know.

 

Deja vu... more of the same.

[dgiirl]

Then I don't think you're looking at this with the right amount of intelligence.

 

First of all, I never once started to attack your intelligence, named called or character assassination so I would appreciate the same respect. If you have nothing better to reply with than childish tactics then please do not respond.

 

Did you realise people are different?

 

Just because she doesn't let it defeat her doesn't mean that I have the same strength to do the same myself.

 

Nor does it mean you do NOT have the strength. You seem to believe that just because you have this disorder means you have carte blanche to not do anything. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your mother to actually fix your life.

 

Let me tell you, this attitude, does not help people in the slightest. Lose it and you'll find you'll become a more likeable person.

 

This forum is not about popularity contests, so I can careless if you like me or not. But are you actually here for advice? Or just find people who will tell you everything you are doing is ok?

 

 

I'm explaining my situation which includes me having depression, to try and get help on here. If I could already 'deal with it' and take on the challenges, I wouldn't be asking for help/advice on this forum, in fact if everyone was like that these forums wouldn't exist.

 

Since you've been on here, what have you done with any of our advice? You can ask till the cows come home, but if you dont DO anything with the advice, then you are not doing anything and just wasting our time that could be used for other people.

 

I do sometimes, how the hell do you think I get my hair cut, buy things from the shops, see the doctor to get a new script for medication, ect?

 

Awesome, glad to hear it. Now push yourself a little further. Have you joined any social activities/classes/hobbies? As another poster suggest, what about some martial arts? I think karate or even tai chi might be good for you. It's the first thing my pscyhologist told me to get into to handle my anxiety.

 

 

I moved to this area, where all the bullying is. I also just feel unhappy here anyway, and I really don't fit in up here.

 

Sorry, I dont buy it. You dont go overnight from having an active social life with friends, job, home, to burying yourself at mom's feeling intimidated by the world.

 

 

Do I? I've never noticed to be honest.

 

yep

 

Are you sure you're not just making all this up? I do answer the majority of questions, whether they help me to be more proactive or otherwise.

 

No, you respond to things that are vague or things that require a lot of future planning, nothing in the immediate future. ie, looking for an apartment, and moving to america. You went on and on about that. Why? I believe it's because it doesnt require any immediate action, it's something you "might" do in the future, but requires absolutely no commitment from you right now. About looking for a job? Hmm, you cant do that because you might actually GET a job. It might actually require you to commit to something right now, today. And it might actually force you to get out of the house.

 

 

Like I said, lose the 'tude.

 

Again, read the very first paragraph I asked of you.

[Ross_K]

Actually Ross, even I noticed you didn't answer all my questions, especially the ones asking what you proactively doing....

 

I know you feel defensive here, but it's worth looking at the points people make.

 

I'm sure everyone doesn't answer every single question people have asked in a 5 page or over topic. I either forget, or just find something to hard to explain.

[lindya]

I do think you'd like it better here. I know I'll get flamed for this, but the UK has long had a reputation of having a bully culture among many of the working classes (oh boy, i'm sure i'm offending some people). That whole hooligan thing isn't a part of life here. We have our ghettos with gang problems but most of the country isn't like that at all. It's more relaxed I think, then it is over there. I think you'd feel more comfortable in some small American city or college town.

 

Statistics seem to back up what you're saying. I found figures that suggested a total of almost 2.5 million violent offences recorded in England and Wales in the period 2004 - 2005. Figures I found for Scotland suggested 16,500, but there seems an unlikely discrepancy there. I'm assuming one relates to all complaints and the other to actual convictions. It wasn't altogether clear from the sources...or perhaps I was just too lazy to pay close heed. I understand that the figures for violent crime in the US over the same period were about 1.4 million - and your population is about five times the size of the UK's.

 

Whether people are more likely to report such offences (which include domestic violence) over here, I don't know. There is, I think, a horrific drinking culture here, and perhaps use of drugs is also more widely spread. On a Saturday, combine the factors of people getting tanked up and their favourite football team playing a hated rival, and you have a recipe for violence. The idea of being "hard" is something that unfortunately a lot of people on the bottom few of rungs of society here take a great deal of pride in.

 

All in all, Ross's safety concerns are pretty realistic.

[Ross_K]

First of all, I never once started to attack your intelligence, named called or character assassination so I would appreciate the same respect. If you have nothing better to reply with than childish tactics then please do not respond.

 

Yes but you started being nasty and harsh towards me when I've never treated you badly.

 

There's was nothing childish about the so called tactic. If I can't stick up for myself in real life then I'm sure as hell going to at least want to on a message board.

 

Nor does it mean you do NOT have the strength. You seem to believe that just because you have this disorder means you have carte blanche to not do anything. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your mother to actually fix your life.

 

If I had the strength I'd have a life and would be 'dealing' with any challenges.

 

This forum is not about popularity contests, so I can careless if you like me or not. But are you actually here for advice? Or just find people who will tell you everything you are doing is ok?

 

I never said the forum was about a popularity contest, but sure, if you don't mind alienating yourself form people on the forum, then carry on being nasty with people who have problems.

 

And I'm on here looking for advice not to be kicked when I'm down. Surely you realise this, or was I right about your intelligence?

 

Since you've been on here, what have you done with any of our advice? You can ask till the cows come home, but if you dont DO anything with the advice, then you are not doing anything and just wasting our time that could be used for other people.

 

I've taken it on board and it has helped me feel better, I've even saved the pages to my PC. This kind of stuff does make it feel more easier for me to cope and to take on the challenges.

 

Awesome, glad to hear it. Now push yourself a little further. Have you joined any social activities/classes/hobbies? As another poster suggest, what about some martial arts? I think karate or even tai chi might be good for you. It's the first thing my pscyhologist told me to get into to handle my anxiety.

 

That wouldn't be at my pace, too fast.

 

Sorry, I dont buy it. You dont go overnight from having an active social life with friends, job, home, to burying yourself at mom's feeling intimidated by the world.

 

I've always had SA and I think depression, but fine, if you don't believe me then don't believe me. What I don't understand is why do you think I'd lie?

 

No, you respond to things that are vague or things that require a lot of future planning, nothing in the immediate future. ie, looking for an apartment, and moving to america. You went on and on about that. Why? I believe it's because it doesnt require any immediate action, it's something you "might" do in the future, but requires absolutely no commitment from you right now. About looking for a job? Hmm, you cant do that because you might actually GET a job. It might actually require you to commit to something right now, today. And it might actually force you to get out of the house.

 

Oh well if I have I have, I'll just take your word for it.

 

Again, read the very first paragraph I asked of you.

 

Which post?

[dgiirl]

Yes but you started being nasty and harsh towards me when I've never treated you badly.

 

Not true at all. I've been supportive throughout this now 13th page thread, and many of your other threads. But after offering advice, and reading other people offer advice only to have you rebut _every single one_ of them that asks you to be proactive, people tend to lose patience. And even after ALL of that, I was not nasty or harsh. I simply challenged you.

 

 

There's was nothing childish about the so called tactic. If I can't stick up for myself in real life then I'm sure as hell going to at least want to on a message board.

 

There is a difference between standing up for yourself, challenging another's opinion and agreeing to disagree, and resorting to name calling. I never once assasinated your character, but you seem to believe that if I do not agree with your opinion or do not follow your rules of conduct that I have a lack of intelligence.

 

If I had the strength I'd have a life and would be 'dealing' with any challenges.

 

Not true at all. We all have challenges in life, no matter how strong we are. Nothing comes easy for any one of us. Once again, you seem to think you are so totally different than the rest of us, that somehow you are so unique that you dont possess what we have. Again, it's egotism that lets you believe this, whether positive or negative.

 

And I'm on here looking for advice not to be kicked when I'm down. Surely you realise this, or was I right about your intelligence?

 

I AM giving you advice. I simply refuse to hold your hand while you sink further and further down the rabits hole. Once again, why are you bringing up my intelligence? Why are you trying to make a jab at me? It's childish and I would appreciate it if you would stop.

 

I've taken it on board and it has helped me feel better, I've even saved the pages to my PC. This kind of stuff does make it feel more easier for me to cope and to take on the challenges.

 

That's great! I would even suggest that you write up a separate list of activities people have suggest you to do and prioritize them from easy to hard and start tackling the small ones.

 

 

That wouldn't be at my pace, too fast.

 

Ok, then what do you think should be the next step?

 

Oh well if I have I have, I'll just take your word for it.

 

Please, dont just take my word for it. Actually re-read what I said and reflect on it. I had a very valid point about your avoidance about commitment. And i think it's important that you actually contemplate it for more than a mere 10 seconds.

[Ross_K]

You know something I really can't be bothered going back and forth copying and pasting and arguing, I mean, whatever I say is just going to go over your head and you'll just come out with more BS like I'm throwing eveyones advice back in their face just because I'm not able to do the things they suggest, so whatever, maybe I'll reply properly someday if I ever feel like it.

 

Usually I'd just keep going and never let up until I get the last word. But I just really can't be bothered right now.

[SmoochieFace]

You know something I really can't be bothered going back and forth copying and pasting and arguing, I mean, whatever I say is just going to go over your head and you'll just come out with more BS like I'm throwing eveyones advice back in their face just because I'm not able to do the things they suggest, so whatever, maybe I'll reply properly someday if I ever feel like it.

 

Usually I'd just keep going and never let up until I get the last word. But I just really can't be bothered right now.

 

What a cop-out.

[Island Girl]

I can't help how I am and how others are towards me.

 

Yes you CAN help who you are.

 

YOU are the only one who can 'help' who you are.

 

You are the only one who can commit to doing DIFFERENT things in your life.

And then sticking to your commitment and MAKE different choices to MAKE your life different.

 

It is a fact that when you behave differently, people will behave differently toward you.

 

But at least I'm trying to overcome my problem by trying to change myself, and part of this is coming on here for advice.

 

Yet everytime someone suggests something you could do to change your situation - you come up with an excuse NOT to. The excuses you provide seem to be excuses to NOT EVEN TRY.

 

For instance, when someone says, "get out - overcome your social anxiety disorder a bit at a time"

You reply: I am different. I can't do it. You don't understand me.

 

YEP you sure are different. And everything you are writing states you want to be more like everyone else. Yet when these people tell you how to do things to be like them, you refuse for what ever reason you find that applies.

 

So you are stuck. You are stuck constantly lamenting about your situation. It will not change AT ALL unless you decide to change it.

If you want to continue on the path you are on -- then go to support groups where all of you guys talk about how hard it is, etc. but steps aren't proactively made to make changes.

 

These changes are about forcing yourself to do it. It is about knowing you have to do and making yourself do something because you do not want to be stuck where you are anymore. ----- The way you respond to this challenging viewpoint (and I fully expect that I am next to hear it from you) is like a member of some exclusive club. 'We all couldn't possibly understand' (every person on the planet has dealt with fear of situations, rejection, or whatever). 'It is not that easy' (nothing worthwhile ever is!).

 

Your answers to anyone who tells you to, just stop complaining about it, get off your behind and DO SOMETHING are patronizing and pretentious.

 

While dismissing any advice along these lines you also venture to say they should change their attitudes. They shouldn't be ingenuous with you because tough love doesn't work, etc.

 

It is truly amusing considering that these very people have the things in life you say you seek. Some of them have even overcome the very psychological complications you describe having. But you are telling them how to be.

 

I am not afraid to go outside - because I do it on a routine basis. I am not afraid to talk to strangers. I do it all the time. I have been in some pretty bad areas of the country, but I did whatever I had to do - and I made it through it. I know these sometimes uncomfortable or frightening situations happen, so I keep my head together and get out of it.

 

The point is we all face things everyday - the more you face your fears the more their intensity disipates. While you repudiate, you pay the price not us. We're out there living it while you waste your life wanting it.

 

By the way -

 

You say:

I can't help how I am

and also:

But at least I'm trying to overcome my problem by trying to change myself

 

These are diametric statements.

 

People who can't help how they are would be, for instance, handicapped. They can't help being in a wheelchair, or on crutches, etc.

They can't help it -- there is nothing they can do that will effect their condition.

 

You CAN help how you are. You can change attitude, willingness, openness, acrimoniousness, etc. But you have to actually do it. You can't just ask people how to do it just to repudiate all ideas. that does nothing.

If you just want prople to say, "Awww, poor guy. That is so sad." endlessly, you have a support group for that. And if that is all you want, then your problem is solved! You don't need any advice from all of the well-meaning people out here living your dream.

[Ariadne]

Hi Ross,

 

I have read some of your posts and I find you to be very confident, and very attractive.

 

I think you just haven't found the right girl and that's all there is to it.

 

Some people just have it harder than others.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I guess I'm going to have to do some research on 'believing in yourself and inherent worth', so I can find out what they mean and whether I posess these two qualities.

 

This reminds me of an online friend of mine, someone that posted here under the name "fusangite" that had similar troubles. This is what he had to say about that:

 

------------

 

I know I have things to offer someone and he'll be lucky to have me.

 

It sounds like you have an objective theory of value. I need one of those. What I mean by that is: something is worth what people are willing to pay for it. In economics, the thing that creates value in a product is someone's willingness to pay for it. If nobody wants to buy it, the product is worthless, no matter how much it costs to manufacture. So, my theory of value is subjective -- value is defined by whether someone wants the thing, not the thing's intrinsic qualities.

 

In conclusion, reminding yourself that you have great things to offer someone and they'll be LUCKY to have you (not the other way around) should bring you confidence

 

People know what will make them happy, what they need and want better than I do. I have trouble believing something without any evidence. I have no evidence that I would be a valued addition to most women's lives. I admire people who can believe things without evidence but I'm not one of them. If I actually had the qualities that would make women lucky to be with me, they would notice this because they know what these qualities are better than I do. To be attractive is to attract others. I can't sustain the belief that I'm attractive if I don't attract anyone. My beliefs require an evidentiary grounding. If I could figure a way around this, I'm sure my life would improve.

 

If you can suggest any hints for how to structure my beliefs so that I believe myself to be attractive without evidence, I'm all ears. I've spent a fair bit of energy reading on this subject but I haven't had any luck so far. And I can't really understand why anyone would be lucky to be with someone they weren't even attracted to.

 

-------------

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

The thing that gives me satisfaction is achieving something really hard in a video game, and that's it I think.

 

The thing that gives me satisfaction is watching the ducks at the park .

 

Ariadne

[SmoochieFace]

Tha thing that gives me great satisfaction is being blown... preferably in the '69' position.

[Ariadne]

Awww.....

 

I've never said that I just want to bang a girl. Even though that'd be amazing on it's own, I also long for intimacy, skin to skin, cuddling, giving and recieving physical touch. I feel like a dying plant that needs water.

 

So cute!!!

 

Ariadne

[SmoochieFace]

I'm sensing a 'Love Connection' here... where's Chuck Woolery when you need him?