Some Q's for the women on here about confidence.

[lindya]

Thanks for the advice KMT, but there's no point in me putting the cart before the horse.

 

Well said, Ross. I get the impression you're fairly realistic about the best way to approach this difficulty. It's true that building up confidence requires a person to slightly overface themselves in terms of the challenges they take on...but not to the extent that they're setting themselves up for a string of failures that will only result in them sinking further into an abyss of despair.

 

So rather than getting tanked up and racing round every pub in town with a list of chat up lines, it's probably more useful for you to set yourself small goals then review how each attempt to reach that goal went. How you felt when it went well, how you felt when it wasn't so great. What beliefs about yourself are reinforced by each episode - and how you can start changing the less positive beliefs.

 

Say there's a girl your age working at a corner shop you go to. You could go in there and buy a newspaper, and make a conversational opener about the headline (provided you don't have a queue of people waiting behind you). She might have a brief conversation with you, or she might just stare back at you in slack-jawed disinterest. Neither approach is unusual response for all of us to get in our day to day interactions with other people.

 

A slack-jawed response from someone you try to speak to doesn't mean you're some kind of weirdo....it might just mean that the other person's social skills aren't great and they don't really know how to make conversation. The trick is to enjoy the conversations that go well, and shrug off the ones that don't.

 

How about just setting that as a task for yourself. It's not about engineering a conversation where you'd ask that girl out on a date - or even having some kind of flirtation with her. The more you practice exchanging brief pleasantries with strangers the more normal it will become for you to do it. Then you move onto the next step of creating rapport that can lead to lengthier conversations.

[Jizzosh]

Hey man, I'm kinda for what KMT said yet against it as well. Has there been anything that you've done before that you didn't want to do but eventually did anyways? For me it was football. I wanted to play, yet dreaded going. I kept going to it and within the first week everything was normal to me and I didn't mind going to it anymore. This is the same thing man.

 

Look, you want to desperately talk to girls yet when you get the opportunity you clam up or want to pull yourself out for fear of embarrassment. I've been there, with more situations than just a hot girl. You're a man, I'm sure you have a ballsack. Now's the time to prove it. Sometimes things are just learned via experience. Before you even want to hit on a girl, you have to feel comfortable, or at least know what it's like talking to one. I'm not gonna say you'll feel comfortable talking to a girl after you try it 10 times. You might, you might not. But you at least have to get a feel for it. You can listen to all of the stories on LS and get all the google advice in the world, but you won't know **** if you don't actually get out there and try it, feel me?

 

Now with that being said, you don't want to make yourself look like a total fool. Write down a list of topics to talk about, compliments, small talk, conversation starters whatever and memorize a lot of them. You don't have to ask every girl each question in the same order, but the objective is to have a list of topics at your disposal freshly thought about when you talk to that girl so you don't have to think about what topics to ask. Trust me, this makes it so much easier. I often times have trouble talking to people, so before I go to school I'm always thinking of things to say when I meet them. Now it's pretty much instinctual, I don't see it as sad at all. Like, one of my friends I'll be thinking of all the things to say about last night's football game or whatever, and another I'll be ready to talk about how they did in track. Also, when it comes to girls when you have a large list of ideas already thought of then you won't start to clam up and things will be much easier. You won't rush as you'll be prepared.

 

You don't wanna wait forever, you're already what? Close to 30 or something? I'd say start preparing a list tonight or tomorrow and set out for your first couple of girls. Then analyze the situations and make note of what you should do better next time. Also, it helps that you're not in school. Keep telling yourself you'll never see them again anyways, so it won't even matter if you have to.

[magichands]

The point in asking this thread is so I can get the information I need and then try and work on my general confidence so there's more of a chance I'll attract a woman when I'm ready to even talk to one comfortably.

Bravo, Ross. It has been more than a fair discussion, thanks (in part) to your continued input and reflection.

How about just setting that as a task for yourself. It's not about engineering a conversation where you'd ask that girl out on a date - or even having some kind of flirtation with her. The more you practice exchanging brief pleasantries with strangers the more normal it will become for you to do it. Then you move onto the next step of creating rapport that can lead to lengthier conversations.

Sounds like a plan to me. A much more balanced and constructive plan than I could have come up with.

 

I can give you tips on being caustic - but then that never got me anywhere, haha. (A slap on the face is better than nothing, though.)

[Guest]

I really don't see why escorts degrade women. If anyone is being degraded it's themselves, and even then it's down to opinion, like lindya says. I think only if someone feels like they're being degraded, then they're being degraded.

 

But even then, if that is how an escort feels, there's still no reason for me to feel guilty because she obviously thinks it's worth it for all the money she's making, she can easily quit and get a different job if she wants too.

 

She's a perfectly capable adult who can think for herself.

 

I didn't say she was degrading herself. The porn industry, escorts and prostitutes are not degrading themselves they are degrading their gender.

 

Its really selfish of them actually, they get all the money while the rest of the women in the world get the lowered respect level.

 

Anyway, thats not up for debate on this thread I was just telling you why you are unattractive in this womans eyes, not all women.

[Guest]

I don't see why anyone would shoot you down for that. It's a perfectly fair way to feel. On the other hand, to establish whether a prostitute is being degraded by the way she earns her cash, do you go by whether she personally feels degraded by the situation - or do you rely on the fact that you find it degrading and therefore see her as being devalued as a result?

 

My own view tends to be that if a situation makes a person feel worthless, but they continue in it when they have the choice and opportunity to escape, then yes that's degradation. Sometimes, though, people will be fine about a situation they're in...and the only confusion stems from society's disapproval.

 

I don't like porn. Am I qualified to tell the men and women who participate in porn, and those who watch it regularly, that it degrades them? I don't think so. I only know that I personally have felt degraded by the occasional film I've seen. Whether or not others in society think I should or shouldn't feel that way is irrelevant to me - if I don't like it, then I'm not going to watch it. Doesn't mean that I don't realise it serves a valid purpose in many people's lives.

 

In a similar way, I don't see how anyone other than Ross or the escort can really decide whether a sex for money arrangement degrades either or both of them. If they did feel degraded by it, then it would certainly be one of life's bleaker transactions. I just can't see that anyone other than Ross and the escort can really decide how they feel about being involved in a situation like that.

 

Just wanted to say my last response was for both quotes too darned lazy to post twice.

[quietintrovertgirl]

Ross,

I"m so glad you're "trying" to get out of your Incel bubble and get more healthy nonincel opinion.The incel group isn't helping you but hurting you.

[burning 4 revenge]

Hey Ross if this is really bothering you all that much, I mean really, really bothering you ,then i'll put on a wig and some lipstick and let you knock one out.

 

You have to pay my airfare though

[Ross_K]

I didn't say she was degrading herself. The porn industry, escorts and prostitutes are not degrading themselves they are degrading their gender.

 

Its really selfish of them actually, they get all the money while the rest of the women in the world get the lowered respect level.

 

Anyway, thats not up for debate on this thread I was just telling you why you are unattractive in this womans eyes, not all women.

 

Well, it's all down to opinion really, I don't see porn and escorts degrading their gender, and I think the majority of people would agree with me.

 

I really don't think most people respect women less either, I know I don't. There's no reason for why an escort or porn should reflect on a woman who doesn't do that stuff, and if it wasn't for porn or escorts, I don't think I'd even be aware that women are sexual creatures, which would just make women seem less attractive in my eyes and there'd be even less incentive for me to get one. I mean, there's already a lot of men who're surprised to hear women saying they like sex.

[Ross_K]

Hey Ross if this is really bothering you all that much, I mean really, really bothering you ,then i'll put on a wig and some lipstick and let you knock one out.

 

You have to pay my airfare though

 

Only if you wear a dress as well.

[Moai]

Man, I feel for you.

 

Earlier on, you mentioned that sometimes it is even difficult for you to leave your house. Why? Is it because of the fear of what people will think of you, or that you'll have some interaction that will go badly?

 

People don't think nearly as much about you as you think they do. They have their own probelms to worry about, believe me. Beyond that, who cares what they think? What is so special about them? Nobody is perfect. Everyone is a jerk or a geek (or a hero and suave) at some point. I have been lots of things all in the same day. That's what life is all about.

 

The fact that a woman has never been into you before may or may not be true. All you know for sure is that no woman has ever LET YOU KNOW that she was into you. Just based on the law of averages there has to have been a woman who looked at you and thought you were cute. She may have been passing you on a bus, or seen you in the store, or whatever, but it has to have happened.

 

It also seems that you have elevated the female opinion equal to god's or something. If a chick doesn't dig you, BFD. Why is one woman's opinion important at all? The greatest ladies' men in the world have been rejected at one time or another. But they didn't dwell on it and moved on. In fact, what makes them great ladies' men is that they don't care. If you approach a woman with the confidence that you are cool with her digging you or not, you get way more action. That is what confidence is.

 

You will never get any confidence at all unless you get out there and get rejected. You should go out and strive to get rejected ten times a week, at least. It will be freaky at first, and you'll be nervous as all get out, but soon it will be no big deal.

 

I would also agree that your incel group is probably holding you back as well. You are all dealing with tthe same issue, and while yo uare getting support for your situation nothing is happening to change your sitation. It is just wallowing.

 

A therapist will only tell you t go out and start doing small things to get you more social. Why wait and let time go by when you can start right now, all by yourself?

 

Do not be afraid to let yourself fail. There are no books you can read, or behaviors you can emulate that will fix what you have going on. You need to get out there and fall on your face--a lot--and then suddenly you'll notice that it is happening less and less. Every guy on the face of the planet had to learn how to get girls. You are atarting way late, but it is never too late until you are dead.

[Ross_K]

Man, I feel for you.

 

Earlier on, you mentioned that sometimes it is even difficult for you to leave your house. Why? Is it because of the fear of what people will think of you, or that you'll have some interaction that will go badly?

 

It's mainly about an interaction that'll go badly, I'm not sure if I care what people think of me.

 

You see, the thing is, is that I'm always getting made fun of or harrased by young people whenever I go out on my own, this can be anything from a couple of thugs calling me a ****ing nobhead, a pair of 14 year old girls staring me out and not moving out of my way when I'm walking past them so I actually have to walk off the pavement and onto the road around them, being purposley bumped into by some 14 year old kid looking at me with a smirk on his face, and even getting approached infront of my house by a couple of kids and one had a golf club in his hand which he was holding in an intimidating way as though he was going to hit me with it, they were only like 10 and 12 years of age.

 

I'll only go out with my mum because it never seems to happen then, and usually I'll get a taxi to go to where ever I go.

 

This is mainly why I don't have a life.

 

In my old area where stuff like this hardly ever happened, I was no where near as bad as how I am now. I always had friends, I could get a job, I could go out feeling quite comfortable on my own.

 

It also seems that you have elevated the female opinion equal to god's or something. If a chick doesn't dig you, BFD. Why is one woman's opinion important at all? The greatest ladies' men in the world have been rejected at one time or another. But they didn't dwell on it and moved on. In fact, what makes them great ladies' men is that they don't care. If you approach a woman with the confidence that you are cool with her digging you or not, you get way more action. That is what confidence is.

 

I don't actually mind if a chick doesn't dig me, it's that no chicks dig me.

[Ross_K]

So what do people think about this? What could I do about this?

 

Is it like this for anyone else in their area?

 

This is what is mainly holding me back, unless it's just me, and I should just not give a **** about it.

[SmoochieFace]

I should just not give a **** about it.

 

You just answered your question, dude. Quit taking everyone and everything so seriously and you'll do fine.

 

If some girl rejects you - so what? Try again. And again.

 

You're not gonna build up any confidence unless you allow yourself to fail AND deal with failure constructively. Failure is what helps build confidence... hard as it is to believe.

[Moai]

Go off on them. If 14 year old girls won't get out of your way, tell them to move.

 

If 14 year old boys are threatening you, tell them you will beat the crap out of them. Simple.

 

I doubt you will ever have to fight a 14 year old. It would seem that your lack of confidence is oozing out of every pore on your body. And people pick up on that, even children.

 

When you walk around, consciously think, "I own this street, I own this town, and everything in it."

[Ross_K]

Yeah but if you try and fight back they then get older people onto you.

 

Whenever I do try to stick up for myself I always fail miserably anyway, people always seem to be able to say something where I can't think of anything to say back to it, or other people will end up taking their side. And usually I just never have enough guts to stick up for myself anyway.

[ilmw]

Go off on them. If 14 year old girls won't get out of your way, tell them to move.

 

If 14 year old boys are threatening you, tell them you will beat the crap out of them. Simple.

 

I doubt you will ever have to fight a 14 year old. It would seem that your lack of confidence is oozing out of every pore on your body. And people pick up on that, even children.

 

When you walk around, consciously think, "I own this street, I own this town, and everything in it."

 

Umm... I wouldn't go around an tell teenagers you are gonna beat the crap out of them.... In my experience... (this may sound generalized...but) in my experience.... you "diss" some kids... they will get you back...(damage your car...etc. If they are pulling this crap in the first place... they may be one of those types... another thing you should be concerned about is... swarming... you go for the offending teenager... and all his buddies/mates... jump in and kick the crap out of the adult... seen the after effects of this on more than one occasion... also... teenagers (these kinds) tend not to have much fear of the law... well they dont here in Canada....as we have a pretty useless Act (The Youth Criminal Justice Act).... it has its benifits... but there is not much bite to it....

 

On the other hand... as Moai said...if you are able to walk around with an attitude... projecting it... that you will not take there crap... like the bullies they are... they should not bother with you...

 

They look for the weak.... and timid... Don't be a victim...!!

[SmoochieFace]

Yeah but if you try and fight back they then get older people onto you.

 

Whenever I do try to stick up for myself I always fail miserably anyway, people always seem to be able to say something where I can't think of anything to say back to it, or other people will end up taking their side. And usually I just never have enough guts to stick up for myself anyway.

 

I think the issue is HOW you stick up for yourself, Ross.

[Ross_K]

When I'm walking towards these types of people, they're usually staring straight at me, I may make eye contact for a few seconds and then break it. Do you think this makes me look weak, do you think this is what usually causes them to do something at me?

 

Should I just constantly stare at them instead, would there be less chance they'd do something?

[SmoochieFace]

When I'm walking towards these types of people, they're usually staring straight at me, I may make eye contact for a few seconds and then break it. Do you think this makes me look weak, do you think this is what usually causes them to do something at me?

 

Should I just constantly stare at them instead, would there be less chance they'd do something?

 

How about just ignoring them?

[ilmw]

When I'm walking towards these types of people, they're usually staring straight at me, I may make eye contact for a few seconds and then break it. Do you think this makes me look weak, do you think this is what usually causes them to do something at me?

 

Should I just constantly stare at them instead, would there be less chance they'd do something?

 

It is hard to fake confidence... unless you are an actor or something.... You could walk around these types and look pissed off... when you look away... you will look indiffernent... if you look away nervious... you look week.. and there bully sences..kick in ... like a pack of wolves... The thing with staring someone down is... you actually have to believe you can do something about the situation... or you will crumble.... You have to believe in your abilites... cause if they call your bluff.... Oooch!

 

On another note... you have allot of questions I have noticed about different situations regarding confidence... woman ... bullies..etc... I also noticed you are awaiting counselling.. correct...??

 

Why don't you be patient and wait for your counselling sessions... cause.. (no offence... but at the age of 30... you should have hopefully known the answers to allot of your own questions)... excluding... the issues with woman... that will be an ongoing journey for the rest of your life:lmao: ... as with all men:laugh: Man simple... woman is complex:p

 

Best of luck... and try not get your ass kicked...k

[SmoochieFace]

and try not get your ass kicked...k

 

...

 

30 y/o guys shouldn't even be concerned with what 14 y/os think and do... lol...

[Green]

Ross you disapoint me. stop being a baby already, comon your going to let teenagers scare you at 30. Teenagers litteraly look like babies to me. some 14 year old girls stop right in the midle of the street you say excuse me and they'll move if they dont its no big deal taking the two steps around them. its pittifull that you wrote it never seems to happen when your moms around like she's the protector of a mere man boy of 30. your a grown man if street kids atack you just call the police. You need a life coach, I'm guessing you never had a father, or your father wasnt good at all. Look I'm sorry for being so critical but damnit next time kids try to pick on you which is really weird because they generaly know better then to pick on a grown man you need to tell them to **** off, and where are there parents. Look get out of your house now, go and live. Your mommy cant protect you for ever. I'm telling you the world is not that bad. Of course no girls like you how would they even know you? I really hope this is one big joke because you have created a living hell for yourself with you paranoid dilusions of kids out to get you and girls who will never like you and the protection you feel when your with your mom.

[Ross_K]

I can't help how I am and how others are towards me.

 

But at least I'm trying to overcome my problem by trying to change myself, and part of this is coming on here for advice.

[Green]

you havent tried anything listen to me and go outside your house for atleas 9 hours a day. you have no job so you need to leave the house for atleast 9 hours a day looking for one and doing something. thats your first step do that and I'll agree with you your trying right now your doing nothing big time.

[SmoochieFace]

...kids try to pick on you which is really weird because they generaly know better then to pick on a grown man...

 

I find this strange too. Usually, teenagers tend to just pick on each other, not grown men.

 

Something doesn't seem 'right' here...