Under what circumstances would you take your ex back?

[silentcharon]

You know, a very good question was raised in one of my threads. Under what circumstances would you, as the dumpee, take your ex back? And under what circumstances, would an ex, as the dumper, ask you back out again?

 

There isn't that many posts where both parties get back together, but it does happen.

 

For the dumpee:

 

I believe that it depends not so much the circumstances of the break up- but rather, the stages of grieving where the dumpee is in when the ex comes back.

 

For example, if the dumpee is in the second stage of anger- would it be likely for the dumpee to take back the ex without second thoughts? No. The dumpee probably would pause, and question, "What makes it any different this time anyway? What makes me think he won't just leave again?"

 

What about when the dumpee has already moved on? No doubt, the dumpee loves the ex, but by this time, the dumpee has already gone through the stages of grief, there is a questionable chance whether the dumpee will also take back the ex without second thoughts. Most often, it's, "I love the ex, but am I willing to do this all over again?" If the dumpee answers No to that question, the dumpee has moved on. Even if the dumpee did decide to take the ex back, the question, "What makes me think he won't just leave again when things get tough again?" will always be there. I don't mean to assume, but it often seems to be the case.

 

Now. The cirumstances:

 

A) The ex cheated on the dumpee, and is responsible for the demise of the relationship, and comes back later on:

-If the dumpee is in the stage of anger, there is no bloody way the ex can come back after what happened. If the ex truly means it, there is a lot of hard work involved trying to get the dumpee to take the ex back. Be prepared to deal with a lot of anger, and be prepared to accept the dumpee's terms.

-If the dumpee is, in, say, the stage of, acceptance- the dumpee will either have already moved on and won't be interested at all- or the dumpee will already have forgiven. Not to say that there won't be a lot of work ahead, but the dumpee will likely take the ex back in this stage than if the dumpee was still in the anger stage.

 

B) The ex just wanted out, needed to find themselves, and all that jazz, no cheating or anything like that, but the dumpee still feels abandoned and blames it on the ex.

-Stage of anger: The dumpee will go through a lot of questioning one self because this is really the grayest area of break ups. "If the ex wasn't in love with me anymore, why is he in love with me NOW?" For example. The dumpee probably won't be as mad as the dumpee would be if the ex cheated, but the pain is still there. The anger is more directed to the ex abandoning them, and again, the dumpee will question, "What makes me think the ex won't just leave again?" It's a real iffy time to be asking the dumpee to come back when the dumpee is still in this stage, as there will be a lot of questions to be asked that weren't answered at the time of the break up. Real iffy.

 

-Stage of acceptance: The dumpee will already have internalized all the questions, and either forgiven or moved on. The dumpee understands the ex's reasons for leaving, and accepts that the ex had to do it. This is the best time to come back- but keep in mind, there will still be a lot of work to be done on the relationship.

 

In all cases, the ex has to let the dumpee know that the ex is willing to put in 100%, because most often, dumpees don't want to go through it all over again. The ex has to show that the efforts are geninue, because the ex is the one who betrayed them in any cases, by cheating, abandonment, etc, it's betrayal one way or another.

 

It's all about the stages, the circumstances pertaining the whole thing, just adds fuel to the fire.

 

I don't mean to assume, but most of this is based on reading the other posts, where I have formed my opinion. This isn't meant to be a guide either, so don't take me for my word. I have been thinking about this for several days now, since my last thread where one poster asked that question.

 

I will get into the question of under what circumstances would an ex as the dumper ask the dumpee back out later. That is a whole other thread to be made later.

 

Feel free to reply- I'd be interested in hearing your "second chance" stories. You took your ex back, why? What was the cirumstances of the break up, and the circumstances of when the ex came back? Where were you in the stages of grief when the ex came back?

 

I'm off to school now, have a great day, fellow LS'ers!

[superconductor]

Four circumstances, none of which are negotiable:

1. Lose the excess pounds and keep it off;
   
2. Control your emotions;
   
3. Learn when to shaddap; and,
   
4. Vigorous, hearty sex a minimum of 3 times per week.
   

[simon_uk]

 

I don't mean to assume, but most of this is based on reading the other posts, where I have formed my opinion.

 

Ok so you dont mean to assume, but you are assuming.

 

It's a valiant effort and a well thought out post but it is just as you say an assumption.

 

Just for your research, my ex left me because she felt scared and confused. This doesnt mean she doesnt love me or fell out of love with me. It means her needs for herself were greater or more important than mine.

 

Under what circumstances would I take her back? If she came back and said I have had my space and I now know what I want then I would take her back.

 

SImon

[Moai]

I wouldn't take any of my exes back under any circumstances.

 

The hard and fast rule is, if you cheat, we're done. Not negotiable, etched in stone, no other option but breakup.

 

I wouldn't break up otherwise unless I was bored, in which case I don't think she could do anything to make herself less boring to me.

 

I also have never been dumped. I have been the "dumper" exclusively.

[silentcharon]

Ok so you dont mean to assume, but you are assuming.

 

It's a valiant effort and a well thought out post but it is just as you say an assumption.

 

Just for your research, my ex left me because she felt scared and confused. This doesnt mean she doesnt love me or fell out of love with me. It means her needs for herself were greater or more important than mine.

 

Under what circumstances would I take her back? If she came back and said I have had my space and I now know what I want then I would take her back.

 

SImon

 

Aw, yeah, I suppose this post is more like an exploratory post. There are too many factors to discuss, and since no answer is the right answer, I would have to assume sometimes. So, yes, you're right, I am assuming.

 

Hmm, you'd take her back when she said that she was no longer confused and had her space. Would you question her motives, like, what makes you think she won't get confused and leave again? Would you truly be able to accept her reasons for leaving you in the first place?

 

I only ask because sometimes those questions acts as a hinderance for the dumpees to take their exes back.

[silentcharon]

I wouldn't take any of my exes back under any circumstances.

 

The hard and fast rule is, if you cheat, we're done. Not negotiable, etched in stone, no other option but breakup.

 

I wouldn't break up otherwise unless I was bored, in which case I don't think she could do anything to make herself less boring to me.

 

I also have never been dumped. I have been the "dumper" exclusively.

 

Then this post isn't quite for you, as this is focusing on dumpees taking their exes back. But thank you for your input. Interesting...

 

If you were the dumpee, under what circumstances would u take your ex back other than cheating which you already have stated. Humor me

[silentcharon]

Four circumstances, none of which are negotiable:

1. Lose the excess pounds and keep it off;
   
2. Control your emotions;
   
3. Learn when to shaddap; and,
   
4. Vigorous, hearty sex a minimum of 3 times per week.

 

You're being sarastic, right?

[mental_traveller]

If the reasons for the breakup were no longer an issue.

 

For example, my longest relationship ended because I got sick of arguments, temper tantrums etc. If she stopped doing that permanently, and I was single, I'd consider it because apart from that things were very good.

 

Another ended because she wouldn't consider a threesome with her extremely hot younger sister. So if she changed her tune, then....nah, I'm just kidding about that one

[simon_uk]

Hmm, you'd take her back when she said that she was no longer confused and had her space. Would you question her motives, like, what makes you think she won't get confused and leave again? Would you truly be able to accept her reasons for leaving you in the first place?

 

I only ask because sometimes those questions acts as a hinderance for the dumpees to take their exes back.

 

Hi

Well obviously I would question her motives and obviously I would need a LOT of reassurance that it wouldn't happen again. I don't know how I could ever have the trust to believe her though. It would certainly require me to put a lot of faith into her.

 

It would really depend on what she said. I mean I wouldn't just jump straight back into things with her without considering all the facts.

 

Would I truly be able to accept her reasons? Well yes I think so because I accepted them as soon as she told me so.............

 

Having said all that it is purely hypothetical because she hasn't even attempted to come back to me so............who knows?

 

SImon

[niko1999]

Under what circumstances? Maybe if we were the last people and the human race depended on us getting back to together simply for procriation(did i spell that right?). Awhile ago, I could have come up with some stuff, but Im TOTALLY over him, and wouldnt trade in the guy Im with now for ANYTHING, and certainly not ANYONE.

[silentcharon]

Under what circumstances? Maybe if we were the last people and the human race depended on us getting back to together simply for procriation(did i spell that right?). Awhile ago, I could have come up with some stuff, but Im TOTALLY over him, and wouldnt trade in the guy Im with now for ANYTHING, and certainly not ANYONE.

 

Ah, so you're past the grieving stages where you have moved on. Why did you guys break up?

[laRubiaBonita]

if the ex won the lottery and promised to buy me things to make up for the fact that he lied and cheated in me twice.... i would take him back long enough to get some good stuff and for sex....... Then i would Dump his sorry butt ALL Over again! :lmao:

[niko1999]

Becuase he is a liar, and I couldnt trust him, and he put me down and made me feel badly about myself. Not only with the way tht I look(and Im not ugly or fat, but he thought I was too fat to have sex with and no longer found me attratcitve.), but also about my financial situation, about my schooling, ect. Not to mention the fact that i think hes gay. Seriously. Like really truly, gay. Need I continue? Its not that Im bitter, Im really not. I dont hate him, I dont dislike him. Im just over it

[silentcharon]

if the ex won the lottery and promised to buy me things to make up for the fact that he lied and cheated in me twice.... i would take him back long enough to get some good stuff and for sex....... Then i would Dump his sorry butt ALL Over again! :lmao:

 

Haha, I don't know if I would do that... damn morals

[silentcharon]

Becuase he is a liar, and I couldnt trust him, and he put me down and made me feel badly about myself. Not only with the way tht I look(and Im not ugly or fat, but he thought I was too fat to have sex with and no longer found me attratcitve.), but also about my financial situation, about my schooling, ect. Not to mention the fact that i think hes gay. Seriously. Like really truly, gay. Need I continue? Its not that Im bitter, Im really not. I dont hate him, I dont dislike him. Im just over it

 

Ahhhh.... I don't think I would take back an ex that made me feel the way you did. Not even if he promised to change.... did you tell him how you felt before you guys broke up? Did he promise you that he'd change or anything like that? If he did, and nothing changed, I don't blame you! It's great hearing that you're much happier with someone else

[laRubiaBonita]

Haha, I don't know if I would do that... damn morals

 

i reserve practicing my morals on those with Souls.

[niko1999]

Touche'. Why waste good morals on those who have no heart

[Diver012]

I would take my Ex back if:

 

1. Hell Froze over

2. Monkeys flew out of my butt

3. Pigs learned to fly

4. ect.. ect.. ect..

 

 

I gotta aske the question though, why ponder such possible or impossible circumstances in the first place? Id'e much rather spend my efforts living in reality than living in fantasy land...

[silentcharon]

Touche'. Why waste good morals on those who have no heart

 

This is just classic. People like us have faith, and we do it anyway. Women wanting to save wayward men, and men wanting to save self destructive women. Go figure.

[silentcharon]

I would take my Ex back if:

 

1. Hell Froze over

2. Monkeys flew out of my butt

3. Pigs learned to fly

4. ect.. ect.. ect..

 

 

I gotta aske the question though, why ponder such possible or impossible circumstances in the first place? Id'e much rather spend my efforts living in reality than living in fantasy land...

 

You've come a long way for yourself to be able to say that. I wasn't getting into those questions for the sake of reconcilation hopes, for myself or anyone, I got into this because I was curious about my fellow dumpees. I'd rather spend time in reality too, but sometimes, it's fun to let my mind wander and this is just one of the many subjects my mind touches upon. Only this time I felt like it'd be a good discussion.

 

Ask yourself this though; would you say the same thing about taking your ex back if you had just broken up with her? Would you take her back in a heart beat? I just want to see if my half ass'ed theory is half true, whethere where the stages the dumpee is in plays a factor in the dumpee's decision to take the ex back.

[joriel]

I just want to see if my half ass'ed theory is half true, whethere where the stages the dumpee is in plays a factor in the dumpee's decision to take the ex back.

 

Of course the healing stage of the dumpee plays a role in the possibility of a reconciliation. My ex gf broke up with me 2 weeks ago and up until a few days ago, I would have taken her back without pause. Now I would venture to say that we would have to start over again completely and she would have to prove that she wanted me and was willing to work together to make our relationship work. Who knows what I'll think two weeks from now....

[Diver012]

You've come a long way for yourself to be able to say that. I wasn't getting into those questions for the sake of reconcilation hopes, for myself or anyone, I got into this because I was curious about my fellow dumpees. I'd rather spend time in reality too, but sometimes, it's fun to let my mind wander and this is just one of the many subjects my mind touches upon. Only this time I felt like it'd be a good discussion.

 

Ask yourself this though; would you say the same thing about taking your ex back if you had just broken up with her? Would you take her back in a heart beat? I just want to see if my half ass'ed theory is half true, whethere where the stages the dumpee is in plays a factor in the dumpee's decision to take the ex back.

 

When we first broke up, for the first couple of months, I was a mess, but I still wouldnt have taken her back. I made a rule for myself a long time ago...

 

I do not do the Ex thing. The reason 2 people broke up in the first place, are usually still there.

 

heres the story behind the rule...

 

There was this woman I was attracted to. She was attracted to me. One night she invited me back to her place after a night of flirting and kissing... After about 15 minutes she suddenly freaked out and said she just couldnt do it and asked me to leave. I was shocked and hurt. The next day we talked and she said she just wanted to be friends. I basically said hey its cool and dropped it. It wasn't that difficult because there never was a relationship.

 

A few months later she announced that she was interested again. We went out, and painted the town. We went back to my place and, well, I suddenly realized that I really wanted nothing to do with her. She rejected me, and it changed the way I viewed her. We never really spoke again after that.

 

I guess what im saying is when someone rejects you, no matter how much you want to deny it, it changes the way you think of them. Sometimes people can fight past that and get it back together, but not usually without outside intervention, such as a counselor to resolve the issues that caused the breakup in the first place.

[smersh]

I just want to see if my half ass'ed theory is half true, whethere where the stages the dumpee is in plays a factor in the dumpee's decision to take the ex back.

 

I think it's absolutely true. A month ago I would've taken him back without question or hesitation. Just today, though, I played out the scenario in my mind... At this stage, I'd talk about it, but I'd have a lot of questions and conditions, and my immediate inclination is to be pretty hesitant. In another couple of months, I'm guessing I'll be where diver012 is.

[Joyvke]

Since my ex was a sweet and gentle guy, no abuse, no cheating and all. If he would, I say would, cause probably not, want me back I won't hesitate to say yes. However I wan't him to go full commitment than, cause if he might leave me heartbroken again that would be the end of or friendship as well.

 

My first 2 exes may burn in hell and no way, not even when they give me all the money of the world I take those bastards back! (abusive aggressive one (1st ex), Cheater since I didn't wanted to have sex with him he took his best friend o.O (2nd ex). Oh thanks guys for putting me through this so I always look suspicious to males . Yes I'm always afraid this will happen again ;_;/

[silentcharon]

Of course the healing stage of the dumpee plays a role in the possibility of a reconciliation. My ex gf broke up with me 2 weeks ago and up until a few days ago, I would have taken her back without pause. Now I would venture to say that we would have to start over again completely and she would have to prove that she wanted me and was willing to work together to make our relationship work. Who knows what I'll think two weeks from now....

 

Yes, exactly- Any way it goes down, the dumper will always have to prove that they want the dumpee back, and was geninue about their efforts to make the relationship work again.

 

I think it's absolutely true. A month ago I would've taken him back without question or hesitation. Just today, though, I played out the scenario in my mind... At this stage, I'd talk about it, but I'd have a lot of questions and conditions, and my immediate inclination is to be pretty hesitant. In another couple of months, I'm guessing I'll be where diver012 is.

 

I'm at that stage right now too, though I feel a bit bitter. I would definitely question my ex's motives if he ever wanted to come back. In a couple of months, I'll probably be where Diver is too. I would have taken him back if he asked me not long after the break up, but now, I'd question him. Who knows.

 

However I wan't him to go full commitment than, cause if he might leave me heartbroken again that would be the end of or friendship as well.

 

Well, that is kind of a different issue- if he came back, I would be happy enough to just date him, no marriage talk or anything like that. I think that the relationship should be worked on first, before bugging him about marriage or anything like that. I definitely agree with you though, if he ever broke it off again, it would probably be the end of our friendship as well. You know how that saying goes, fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you, at least it goes something like that. It sure applies to this sort of thing.

 

Break up's suck.