Under what circumstances would you take your ex back?

[Joyvke]

I didn't mean to get married. I meant him putting effort in the relationship ^_^. I don't ever want to get married! But breaking up with me twice is bye bye me in your life . We're going a weekend away in the weekend of 14th october tho. So I'll keep you guys posted about it. We haven't seen eachother for over a month now. Hope I don't hug him to death ^^:

[silentcharon]

Just play it cool. Be fun, outgoing and upbeat!

[fireflywy]

If she wanted to come back now, I'd have a lot of questions.

 

I think the first thing I would think is that she went out and dated, played the field, and came back because she was lonely.

 

Basically, I would feel like second fiddle.

[woodenships]

My situation is sort of complicated...

[woodenships]

Hi, I've never posted a thread or even joined a chat site, but I feel like writing about what I am going through...it is sort of a tough and unique situation in dumper/dumpee land etc. Any interest in hearing about it?

[ImInPain]

I would take mine back no matter what as she is my heart. There would be some changes and some things we would need to address. She has lied, and treated me badly and I believe is cheating. But I love her and I know she loves me. She is also young and needs to get some therapy. I am not making excuses for her but I know she loves me and just needs time to get things straight in her own head.

[woodenships]

I would take mine back no matter what as she is my heart. There would be some changes and some things we would need to address. She has lied, and treated me badly and I believe is cheating. But I love her and I know she loves me. She is also young and needs to get some therapy. I am not making excuses for her but I know she loves me and just needs time to get things straight in her own head.

 

i went out for a drink with another guy while i was in a relationship w/my boyfriend who was very good to me and whom I was believe it or not falling in love with. Go figure why I would do something that risky. Anyhow, he found out/heard about it, and i couldn't bring myself to tell him about it when he asked. So I lied, that is the part he can't handle. He was crazy about me and i know i hurt him deeply and made him scared to trust me. i know i was wrong and am embarassed by my actions and wish i could do anything to take it away, but i can't now and just hope there is some chance i can gain his trust back. he broke up with me about a month ago and since then we have seen each other every week (not planned we keep running into each other when we go out). We have talked, had dinner one night, said some good things to one another, but i think he is afraid to give me another chance because what would make him think i'd be any different a few months down the road and not look around again. I think he feels very insecure now or as if I don't think he is good enough. I know i have some committment issues when it comes to being in long term relationships, i haven't physically cheated but it's just as bad I guess to even being thinking about ti when you have someone that is devoted to you. It is almost as if after 3 or 4 months i get scared when someone starts to get more serious w/me so i look for new options as a way out. i went to a therapist the entire time i was in this relationship because i really did like this guy and was trying so hard to prevent myself from getting scared, so i wanted to talk about it before it happened. I am continuing to go in order to deal with this issue...i think i have this tendency towards perfectionism which causes me to find fault with everything, (not just relationships) but i am working on it.

 

This really stinks because i know i was just being stupid and asserting my independence when there was no need for it. He was a good guy and I could have worked through it with him. Now I don't know if he wants to even try to work on it. I was happy, falling in love, and was scared, am scared and do very stupid things when i start to feel that way. anyhow, now he just needs time to figure out how he feels about all of this and keeps saying he just doesn't know what he wants. I think he wants to see if I mean what i say and am not just upset because we broke up...I think he wants to see if i will remain committed to building back his trust, and if i genuinely want to be with him and only him. I do more than anything and want to show him i am sorry and would like to start over.

 

do you/anyone have any recommendations for what i should do to not push him away further and how i can show him that i truly am sorry? I would like to show him that I want to work on gaining his trust back and show him how much i want him in my life and that i want to make things work. We had a good relationship, a really good one, until i freaked and did this behind his back. We just worked,we had a good connection on so many levels, want the same things, love the same things, have the same way of looking at things. We never really argued about anything, it was easy comfortable and just what i wanted. So why do you ask am I such an idiot?

He is one of those guys who doesn't fall very often or hard for a girl and i guess he really did with me and that is why he is taking it so hard. I think he is usually the one that does the running but this time the tables were turned and perhaps he met his match. I don't know. Trust is a big deal, i know this. I don't want to be unrealistic, but I truly think that if we can work it out together and he shows me that forgiveness is possible and second chances do happen, i can show him that I love him and only him and that I am ready to grow up and stop being so afraid (and so selfish and so stupid...).

[fireflywy]

Look him in the eye and tell him what you told us.

[woodenships]

you stated before in a reply to someone else this message:

 

"If she wanted to come back now, I'd have a lot of questions.

 

I think the first thing I would think is that she went out and dated, played the field, and came back because she was lonely.

 

Basically, I would feel like second fiddle."

 

I am afraid that is what my ex is thinking...also I wrote him a really well thought out long letter that I dropped off at his house telling him i was so sorry for breaking his trust as well as telling him all the things about him I love etc. I wanted to reassure him of so many things that I didn't think he knew I felt about him. He loved the letter but i don't think it has changed anything yet...i know it will take time. He has told me he thinks about me all the time and doesn't want to be with anyone else. He also said he is jealous. So what will it take? Time? Seeing that I remain single and don't date anyone else while we are going through this?

We both want to settle down and get married and are looking for someone that could be this person but I think we are both afraid of making mistakes and getting hurt. Now I feel like I am the one being hurt by him. I guess I deserve it. Should I just leave him alone and wait for him to make up his mind? I think what he believes is that I want to be single and go out and be able to date. That sounds good when I am running scared, but in reality is not what I want. Not when the person i hurt and was with was what I want. Before him I was in a dysfunctional relationship for 3 years. I have only been with the guy I am speaking of for 4 months, but those 4 months have been so real and so much more than what I had in those 3 years I barely know what to make of it. I guess I was in relationships for so many years I thought it might be a good thing for me to date other guys, but there is noone that remotely compares to the guy I hurt.....again, I know I was wrong but if he really cared about us he would give it another shot. I hope. But not if he just thinks I want to be with him because I don't want to be alone.

 

This writing down my thoughts actually helps me feel better. Helps to get it out of my system! Who knew?

[fireflywy]

Well, I only said that in relation to MY ex. Everyone's different. My ex and I also haven't had contact since the break almost 5 months ago except a letter from me and a simple hello and thank you from her.

Your situation is different. It's not like you disappeared, played the field for months and months, kept silent, and THEN came back to your boyfriend. You've told him what the situation is, and how you feel correcct? So now it will come down to time.

 

Don't pressure him too much. All you can do right now is make yourself clear and let him decide. If he decides he wants to be with you, then awesome. If he doesn't then there's nothing you can do about it except learn in the future. However, you should not also wait forever, wait yes, but not perpetually. Yes he may be hurt right now but don't let him also keep you in limbo forever. That's not good for you either.

 

I don't know if that helped.

[woodenships]

Hi,

Yes that helps, thanks for the advice. Good to hear an outside perspective. One last thing before I go...what would you assess is too much in the way of letting him know I am thinking of him etc. I am not callinig, but was thinking of sending him a text tonight that just says i'm thinking about him and good night (reassure I am not w/anyone etc.) and i think about him before i fall asleep. I would also like to see if he'd like to get together sometime soon to grab dinner or something low key and NOT talk about the relationship...

The last time we saw each other was Sunday night, it was a very social setting and drinking and so forth. Is that too much pressure or contact? I have not called him at all. Right after break up we texted a bunch but nothing more. He had me over for dinner a week after we broke up and all went well until I brought up us and getting back together etc. He sort of did a 180 and got very defensive saying the whole not sure what I want right now, neither do you, you lied to me etc. thing...

He is going away next week and I have a business trip the following. Then it will be almost 2 months since he ended things. Am I letting too much time go by so that he will start to forget about me or is it still pretty fresh. I am afraid he will try to move on

I know I know---not much I can do about that. I am just a strong believer in if you have really strong feelings they can't/don't just go away.

 

I definitely won't be waiting forever. I just don't want to date anyone right now but him and I want him to know that. He seems to think I have all these new dates and guys I am going out with???? He even was surprised that my ex (dysfunctional 3yr. relationship) and I didn't get back together!!! No chance of that but poor nice guy that dumped my stupid butt is so insecure about my feelings for him now he thinks so many thoughts that are not remotely true. Jealousy can be a monster that keeps growing and growingonce you plant the seed of doubt (my fault for planting, I know...)

 

Thanks again!

[fireflywy]

Honestly, I couldn't tell you about what the limit of you showing him your affection is. I've never had anyone pursue me once it was over so I don't know how it feels or what exactly would make me feel uncomfortable.

 

Perhaps others here can offer more advice.

 

As for the ex's insecurities, of course he may feel that a bit right now because of you. However, if he feels that all the time and flings his anger at you even though you're trying to make ammends, that is also toxic and something I believe you should be wary of in the future. I believe that there should come a point when he makes his decision. However, if he makes his decision and it's to be with you, he's also got get past the insecurities that he has and show you that he TRUSTS you as much as you show him you CARE. If he doesn't, you're in for a long and hard road.

 

In my opinion, there's also a limit to what you should consider from him on his end as well. Him expressing a little bit of anger is okay, but if he does it all the time then he's being a jerk regardless of what happened in the past.