What's wrong with me ? ? ?

[debilou]

Quick overview, married 18 years, STBXH moved out on his 40th birthday. Didn't see it coming. That was almost 2 years ago. We did MC. I did IC. I've come a LONG Way! Not the same person that was left with 2 boys to finish raising.

 

STBXH wanted his cake, ice cream, party hats, the whole shabang and I said NO thankyou. He was a big mistake in my life, I'm better off without him. No question there.

 

But, I still rejection when I hear about or see evidence of his new life. We were together for about 22 years. And I guess he decided he wanted to see what he was missing out on.

 

The question here is that --- "am I wrong for feeling betrayed when I hear about him buying "my" friend a beer at a bar?" This man hurt me in more ways than one. Financially devastated me, broke - no - ripped my heart out and put it in a blender, dissolved my family. I could go on and on but I won't. I try to put myself in her shoes but can't begin to see it. She's really young.

 

I have issues, I'm in counseling. My immediate response to these situations is "I just want to get far away from him and his life". I don't want to hear about him. Then I shake my head and say to myself "what's wrong with you?. He's a loser, you're better off without him." I know that's the truth but sometimes I feel like a stick in the mud. That maybe all these years I was holding him back. Whatever!

 

Just need to vent and hear that I'm ok. Deep down I KNOW I'm ok.

 

Thanks, Debilou

[Gunny376]

You're OK, and what you're going through is prefectally normal. Its just withdraw sympthoms.

 

Go down to a pond and throw a couple of rocks into the water,and watch the ripples. The ripples are you emotions from the relatioinship, they like the ripples will dissipate with time. With each passing day, you will think less and less of him, and one day you will have to work hard to even think of him

[dgiirl]

Hey Debilou,

 

First of all, if _your_ friend is accepting drinks from your ex, I'd question your friendship. I'd be totally pissed off. That's something I would never do to my girl, and I'm totally aware of the temptation for it to happen, and I'd withdraw myself from ever being in that situation in the first place. So i think it's normal for you to feel a little bit angry and hurt and jealous.

 

Also, hearing about your ex's new life kinda keeps you stuck in the past. I think it's really important for you to disassociate yourself from his life as much as possible and this might involve you asking common friends to NOT discuss him around you. Of course you'd feel hurt and betrayed and crappy when all you hear is about your ex's life. And even tho we mostly only hear the good things, that's because he'll only tell us how great his life is, we'll never hear the crappy things, but trust me, they are having some crappy times too, we're just not privy to them. But it doesnt matter. You need to refocus onto you. How are YOU going to make YOUR life better and make this decision the best thing to ever happen to you?

[FlyingHigh]

Completely agree w/Gunny and dgirl.

 

You have very right to feel the way you do. But, remember, healing begins with you the minute you decide to move on.

 

Everything you see or hear about your ex and your "friend" is on the surface...all show. Rather than allow it to hit you hard, turn it around to empower you to move on. You know you're better off without him. And once you convinced yourself with that notion, you still have to decide HOW you will allow it empower you in a positive way.

 

The way I see, there is only one way. Success is a sweet revenge. You don't have to move away to find success. To succumb to moving away, you've let them "win". Stick around and show them what you're made of. Children or no children there are so many single mothers who done well for themselves. Be a positive example for your kids.

 

You know you can do it. Don't let your fear or feeling of rejection dictate the next step in your life. Get to know yourself and your strength. It's there. In time, you'll be the one smiling while your ex is still drinking the same old beer at the same old place.

[debilou]

Thanks everyone! I just need a pat on the back now and again. By the way, I deleted my "friends" number after I spoke to her again that night. She's only 22, I'm 43, we used to make the joke that she was my adopted daughter. I don't have any animosity for her. She lost her mom when she was 13. Remember, I'm co dependent so I have to struggle to stop saving everyone I meet.

 

Anyway, I deleted her number, I felt proud of myself. When the separation/divorce started (2 years ago), I had 4 friends I talked to about my life. Now I have 2. Two very good friends who I trust. That's ok with me. These two friends have a higher moral standard than the other two I let go by the wayside.

 

I'm growing. I still have days of tears. I'm still trying to understand how I got into this position. I'm learning to respect myself. To set boundaries.

 

Debilou

[Gunny376]

I'm still trying to understand how I got into this position. Debilou

 

The No. # 1 leading cause of divorce throughout the world is marriage!

[dgiirl]

lol gunny

 

Debilou, I see the progress in you, and I'm happy to see it. However, there comes a time where the "answers" dont mean anything and you have to stop asking how and why. In the beginning stages, it's important to question how we got into this situation, to reflect on what we could have done better, to see our flaws and to work on improving ourselves. But I know with myself, even after all this work I did on myself, I still kept asking how and why i'm here, how can i improve, what can i do differently. And for me, it only allowed me to stay stuck in the past. I was still connected to my exh, if only through negative thoughts, because it was scarier to just let things go. You didnt cause your husband to do what he did. You did not intentionally get yourself into this position, so you need to give yourself a break. Do you have faults? Sure, we all do. Can you improve on them? Sure. But you'll NEVER be perfect and sometimes we just have to say "fsck it. I'm this way, and if you dont like it, tough beans because I'm too fricken tired to be playing miss perfect all the time."

 

I'm still seeing you focusing on him, what he's doing with his life and what you did to cause HIM to do what he did. Fsck him! Seriously, just forget him! Your life is too short to be wasting it on thinking about him. You need to get some fight in you to realize you still have a good future if you choose to have it. Look at your situation from a 3rd perspective. Would you be proud of yourself if you sat here for 5-10 years still contemplating the demise of your marriage and jealous of your ex's "new" life? Or would you be proud of yourself if you took those 5-10 years, left the baggage behind and really did something extraordinary with your life? I've met a few people recently who've been divorced. They have moved on so much that they've almost forgotten their ex's names. I SO want to be there! "Ex-who? Oh yah! That dude I use to live with. Wild, that's such a long time ago, i cant even imagine what life would still be like with him. I've got this and this and this going on that my life is so much better now. hallelujah, praise the lord for kicking him out of my life!" Seriously, you might not have chose this decision, but you can still make it right. By turning your life around, you can make it the best thing that ever happen to you. It's your choice.

[FlyingHigh]

I'm growing. I still have days of tears. I'm still trying to understand how I got into this position. I'm learning to respect myself. To set boundaries.

 

Debilou

 

GROWTH is optional.

 

Keep yourself occupied. It's harder to knock down a moving target than a still one. Spend less time trying to understand how you got from point A to point B. Betrayal is betrayal. It hurts like heck. There is no rational behind someone who can consciously hurt those they love.

 

Concentrate how to get to point C ~ you, you, you and your boys. Everytime you start to cry, pick yourself up. Don't dwell on something you cannot change. I know that's easier said than done.

 

Did you work before you got married? If so, have you thought of going back to work even if it's just part time? If there a place in your hometown where it is convenient and flexible go in and talk to the manager and ask for a job. It can be done.

 

Like you, I have 2-3 great friends. All you need is one. Once you pull out of this and start living, you will find new friends. Trust in yourself.

[debilou]

I actually considered asking his mom "does he ask about me? has he changed? does he believe losing me was the biggest mistake of his life?". Where did that come from? Maybe because Sat is the 2 year anniversary of him leaving and his 42nd birthday.

 

Also, we have an 11 yo son who could be his clone. I work evenings, my MIL and mom alternate nights that he stays with them. Last night I had to work unusually late and it was MIL's night to have him. Ofcourse he was asleep when I picked him up. Maybe because he was at my MIL's house and his body is sooooo much like his dad's, it just brought it ALL back. I miss him, I love him. Just Tues I told my sister I hated him and I believed it.

 

My counselor's words come back to me when my brain plays tricks like it is now. I miss the fantasy of him, I miss my dream of a family. He has done and said such ungodly things to me and the boys how could I ever feel any good thing for him? Ugh!

 

Don't get worried, I won't do anything stupid, at least I don't think I will. I'm in a relationship but nothing takes away the life I had. It wasn't even a great marriage or relationship. I don't know what happens with other people but for me I still find myself saying "what the heck happened?????".

 

Does he miss me? Did he ever love me? My counselor says he's either narcassitic or has attachment disorder. I've learned alot in counseling, reading and journaling. I guess I have a long way to go.

 

Thanks Debilou

[FlyingHigh]

I actually considered asking his mom "does he ask about me? has he changed? does he believe losing me was the biggest mistake of his life?". Where did that come from? Maybe because Sat is the 2 year anniversary of him leaving and his 42nd birthday.

Don't ask! It only makes you look desperate. Let them be the one to tell you. Pretend (even though it hurts) like you've moved on. In fact, always look your best when you drop off/pick up your boy from his mom. It'll definitely will make your H want to be awake when you swing by.

 

Is there a way that you might be able to work during the day to allow you to spend more time with your son in the evenings?

[anna13]

there is absolutely nothing wrong with you . does he know this is your friend he is buying the drink for ?If he does know this maybe this is a way for him to get into your head again ? since you are moving on and forward. Of course you would be distressed by him buying your friend a drink , i mean your friend is a part of your life and shouldnt be a part of his . is this a mutual friend between the two of you ? I would absolutely have a sit down with your friend and explain to her that this is really something that bothers you and that you hope that she makes it clear to him that she is not interested. that is one option. the other is to completely ignore the fact that he bought her a drink to show that you are moving on and are not concerned with his attempts to get into your head. If you talk to him dont bring it up . If your friend persues your ex in a more then a friendship sort of way I would seriously consider leaving her behind too . I dont know her but i have had the experience where someone i thought was a great friend of 20 years totally stab me in the back ( non-relationship issue). your feelings are natural and like you said you know you will be ok , I think you will too. just consider this an annoyance.

[debilou]

Monday I'm supposed to start a new position with new hours, fingers crossed. I work 2 part time jobs. The new hours will be 1:30pm to 6:30pm. I've worked 2 years at this job, it's part time with full time benefits. Most people work there for the benefits. UPS! A great job. One day I will probably drive. That's where the real money is but it's loooonnnggg days.

 

I deleted my "friends" number the night I called her to tell her how I felt like the one left out. Crying ofcourse. Let me reiterate, she's young, only 22. And yes, he is doing it to get to me. Everything he does is to get to me. I've been through so much.

 

My stbxh is a real mental case. You wouldn't believe the things he's done. Completely unacceptable behavior.

 

I miss the man I married not the man he turned out to be. He's unworthy of me.

 

Maybe I didn't make it clear earlier. My stbxh and I have no contact. He has his own house. In court HE requested his mom's house be the neutral drop off for our son. I agreed. He's been unreasonable and difficult throughout this entire process that HE started.

 

Let me explain that my H kinda wigged out all at once. Before he left he strongly urged me to get a job with benefits. I knew that meant he was checking out on us. He moved out shortly after that, 4 months after he moved out he quit his job. He started his own business about 4 months after that but didn't hold it together to make it work. His life is going down the tubes. He got a DUI the weekend after mediation. Refused the breathalizer and lost his license. But he bought a BRAND NEW truck about 2 weeks ago. No job, just rental income from HIS inheritence that I wasn't entitled to a penny of.

 

No victim here. I'm better off without him. He doesn't see out youngest son on a regular basis. My son calls him to ask if he can come over. He spent the night one time in 10 months. He's supposed to spend the night tonight. This is my last Friday evening to work, hopefully. Tomorrow is his dad's 42nd birthday and the 2 year anniversary of him moving out.

 

I don't know what triggers the feelings of loss. Or love. My life will only get better. I am a good, hard working, intelligent, trustworthy, not bad looking, soon to be divorced woman.

 

Oh yes, this will crack all of you up. He's covered under MY insurance. Mediation was 9/1/06. 6 1/2 hours of emotional torture. Long story short. I agreed to stay married to him until 2/07 so he can have the surgery he needs to correct the colostomy he got in April.

 

With his colostomy he's a regular at the bar and has one night stands. Go figure. I know, what kind of ho bag would want to go home with a man with a bag? ? ? Bar flies I guess.

 

It amazes even me when I put it on paper (or computer). Yuck, what a loser. But he is the father of MY kids. Sad for all of us. Time will tell.

 

Thanks Debilou

[FlyingHigh]

Debilou,

 

Good luck w/UPS! Crossing my fingers for you too!

 

I know exactly how you feel towards your "loser" H. Ditto for me! I detest him beyond belief. I cannot stand the sight of him much less hear his voice. You and I are far better off without men like them. We know NOT ALL men are like our XH to be.

 

You have a kind and loving heart especially keeping him on your medical insurance. Boy and he's really livin it up, ain't he? A DUI, pending colostomy surgery....oh yeah, a "girl" young enough to be his daughter...yeah, he really is living it up! Maybe, you can get the girl to pay for his medical insurance? I'd call the chick and tell her she'll be paying for his medical insurance so that you can use the money to pay your bills! You no longer owe him anything! He certainly hasn't cared for you that ba$tard! And then he turns around and buys a brand new truck without a job?!! Girl, get him OFF your medical insurance and put it into your kid's college fund! If the jerk can play hookie with a 22 year old in a brand new pick-up truck and has his W pays for his medical insurance, he's got it made! Take yourself out of this equation! Make his inheritance pay for it! Not YOU!

[anna13]

he is probobly full of regrets about what he did since he sees that you are stronger than he thought you were and you are doing sooo well without him he is probobly squirming with envy. regardless. . I am soooo happy that you are doing great and your life will be so good from now on .Its so sad that your XH has become the person he has but obviously this is something within himself and not caused by you. GL with your new job and keep your head up . your definitly a survivor