Could this be jealousy or am I reading into it

[avoj]

Ok so you can read my story under or is he obessessed or am i repressed discussion.

Anyhow quick recap. I am living with my hearts desire. Actually she moved into my house b/c of financial problems. In the last 2 weeks we have cuddled in bed twice. Again she tells me she is emotionallly attracted to me, but isn't physically and only wants to be friends. (I'm still po-ed about having sex with her 4 times).

So I am trying my best to move on. I do not want to love this women anymore. All it does is cause me pain. So today I emailed her and asked if she wanted to go on a friend date this weekend. We are going to a haunted house. She also said that on Sat so and so invited her to a bthday party for so and so.

So I took my chance and said the following to her.

"i've been pretty miserable lately. i dont know if you noticed. ha ha i really want a g/f. i want a secure relationship, i don't like feeling the way i've been feeling. it sucks cause b/c i really yearn for someone to cuddle with. you know someone who wants me back. i want to be loved/hold hands/kiss and do romantic things like dawn is doing this week with jamie. i feel sad inside. but for some reason i can't find anyone who wants me. ughhh!!!

oh well...."

Her response. "anyway, what do you wanna gf for. they are a pain in the arse. heh, heh... i understand the want though. it is nice to have someone to cuddle and kiss. it's hard to find the right one. it's good to be picky. let's have fun on friday and not think about girls. heh, heh... :-) "

 

My response, "nope im done being picky. the first one that wants me is going to have me. no they are not a pain the arse and i am ready for a relationship. hopefully one that will last longer than 7 years this time. either that or i am going back to an old flame. anyhow i'm thinking about going to that party on sat night. i am feeling the need for lovins'. lol"

 

She respods with "heh, heh... sounds fun. i didn't hear about it.

sure it will be a blastorama. :-)"

 

So am I reading into crap? Is this jealousy? Or am I wishful thinking. This is so hard. I honestly do not think this friendship is going to last. I have been deeply hurt. Ive never loved so deeply before. dammmmmnit

[avoj]

Im back again. Well last night my hearts desire and I were chatting. I brought up the need for a relationship/g/f. ALl she can say is why do you want a g/f so bad. What do I want in a relationship? The look on her face is one that I have hard time reading. Like you know when you may feel a lil jealous, or like you have no control over something..that was the look. She wouldn't really look at me either.

She then told me she told her therapist about dating & relationships yesterday. (I thought that was ironic since I am the one that brought up that I want a g/f first). Her therapist told her that a relationship just wouldnt work righ tnow for her b/c it wont last. So she's going to wait until June to start dating, ect.

Then the phone rang. She asked who it was after I got off.

Again we cuddled in bed last night. It felt so good to hold her. Arghh!!

Please anyone...help....

[Guest]

if she wanted u that much then she would be with you.

[avoj]

I know this. In my head and heart I am aware of this. I really, honestly want to get rid of these feelings. NC is not an option. What does one do to get over unrequited love? Is that all it is? Do I feel this way b/c I can't have her? If I could have her would I actually want her? Has this ever happened to anyone? You wanted someone so badly. Felt you were in love with them. They give themself to you and you decide you dont want them.

I can't stand the feelings I am having. All I want is her. So I decided I am going to start dating. Maybe if I can find someoen else I will be done with these feelings for her. The thing is no matter how hard I try to find someone else, I'm just not attracted to them in any shape or form. Am I not ready? Is what I feel for my friend not real? Is it just a really deep friendship and I am confused?

I can't stand my emotions anymore and feel like I am going crazy.

In the heterosexual world is dating as hard as the homosexual world?