any mothers out there?

[fishstar]

...if so please explain to me why you have a child if you are to ignore them all their life.There's this woman. I hate her. And I hate hating. I don't know how to explain what I'm going through but I'll try. I have never had a good relationship with my mother. It started when this woman, her friend, came into her life about 20 years ago, I was about 6. My mum was a lot younger than the woman and has over the years been strongly influenced by her. I feel she has never been there for me. Through this friend she learned to drink, go out to parties without my dad, go on holidays to Greece etc, and she even had an affair which is still to this day going on. She met the man through this friend and the friend has always tried to split my family apart. She does this by poisening my mum against my dad but my dad is not aware and does nothing about it. The friend makes my mum feel sad by constantly telling her her life is crap, when it is not. When the woman is not around we have such a good time. This woman has 3 sons and no daughters and is also jealous of my relationship with my mum, which I am constantly trying to improve. For years during my childhood all I remember is this woman constantly being in our house all week. She turns up still at dinner time just to stop us having a family dinner and makes more work for my mum. On weekends she and my mum go shopping and to trips to London and leave me out. My mum ignores me and it hurts me so much. Even now the woman turns up at the house uninvited. She makes me feel uncomfortable, has always made snide comments to me, and never looks me in the eye. Me and my mother constantly argue because of this. No matter what I do I feel I cannot win. I have tried to speak to my mum about how I feel over the years but she doesn't listen. When I was little I used to be sent to my room. She says I am making it all up and that I have to accept this person. She feels she cannot live without this woman, but she can.She doesn't know what I go through and that this woman makes comments to me. My mum is very weak and despite her affairs I love her very much. I feel I have been fighting my whole life because of this woman who is always around and makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to lose my relationship with my mother but my mother's refusal to respect my feelings is driving me to despair. I am an adult anyway and I know I should just get away, but I feel this woman will then win. That is what she wants, for me and my mum to lose our relationship. For years we had a bad relationship, and now that I try to make things better and want to spend time with her, it is just as it used to be - the woman gets in the way. I feel so sad, and don't know what to do. I wanted my mother in my life.

[phyrespryte]

I'm not a mom. Sorry.

 

I don't think there is much you can do about your mom's "friend". This woman sounds awful, but to be honest your mom isn't behaving too well either. She's acting like some teenage girl. If it were me, I'd probably say something nasty to that lady, your mom and the man your mom is having an affair with.

 

But that could have some bad results. I don't know. Anyways, I think if you're going to be set on having a relationship with your mom...you need to accept this other woman. I mean she's been around for 20 years.

 

Maybe you could try to talk to your mom again about how you're feeling, but don't focus on the friend? Because I think she will get really defensive of her friend and not hear you. Let her know that you want her in your life, but would rather spend more time with her without the friend? And if that woman is ever around and says something rude to you in private...you should really say something back to her. What's she going to do? Tell on you? Feh. She has no business saying crap to you.

[fishstar]

Thanks - yes she does act like a teenage girl. Probably cos she got married at 17, and this woman made her think she has missed out on life. She was very happy until she came along, she even told me that once. But somehow this woman has some kind of hold on her, and has made her think that she can depend on no one else. This is not the case. My mum has lost contact with a lot of her old genuine friends due to this woman. The old friends I liked, they never made me feel uncomfortable and cared about the whole family. When this woman comes around, she just looks at my mum, and not talks or looks at anyone else. She argumentative with me and my father, and causes problems. I can't keep fighting for mothers affection. I feel I have been doing this all my life. I can't say anything to anyone. If I say anything to my dad, he just says no I should not speak disrespectfully of others. I wish they could just tell her that i love her and wish she would understand my feelings but she doesnt care what i say. If it were me, I would chose not to lose a daughter.

[nancyleeh]

I agree that you are trying to win a losing battle in seperating your mom from her friend. Like you said, she has some kind of hold on your mom and you are not going to change that by fighting with her. You said you are an adult but I assume you are still living at home? and if I'm correct, you are living there in hopes of keeping a relationship with your mom. Perhpas you should move out of the house and start a new life of your own. I doubt that your moving out would put an end to your relationship with your mother. It may do just the opposite because you could plan times to be with your mother, invite her to do things with you, free from the other woman's grasp and begin enjoying your time together again. Invite her to go shopping or invite her to spend an afternoon with you and make a meal together or what ever you can think of to get her away from that woman and alone with you. And don't worry about what that other women is saying or trying to do, just focus on building a relationship with your mom outside of her and your dad's home. I wish you well.

 

nancyleeh

[fishstar]

Thanks again - yes it's a good idea moving out and I will be soon. I was actually away from home for 9 years, studying or working in other places. I just moved back about 7 months ago for a bit of a bak and to try and rebuild some sort of relationship with my mom after a long time of not knowing eachother. It doesn't seem to be working though. I think good relationships with parents maybe have to be built right from the beginning, when the children are young, and maintained. Problem with mine is, this woman has been around practically whole life so it has never been normal and I have always been struggling. It really hurts when I see moms and daughters shopping as I've never had that. I will take your advice and move out, but when I go, I will be going to another country far away hopefully (I'm looking for jobs abroad at the moment) so that I can be away from all these bad memories. Then I will never see her much anyway and the woman can have what she wants.

[mogster]

I will take your advice and move out, but when I go, I will be going to another country far away hopefully (I'm looking for jobs abroad at the moment) so that I can be away from all these bad memories.

 

Dont go too far at first. Another country has a whole load of other issues for you to address and its horrible being lonely AND thousands of miles from home.

[Stardust06]

I'm a mother - a widowed single mom of a 14 year old son. For the life of me I cannot understand how some mothers ignore and abandon (or dump) their children like this.

 

I've got friends who've grown up in situations like yours. Their mothers had revolving door boyfriends or were in abusive marriages and one friend who's mom just decided one day she didn't want to be a mom anymore!

 

My husband died when my son was 2 months old. I got involved recently with a guy who couldn't accept my son - he viewed him more as a threat of another man wanting my attention. I got rid of him.

 

My child comes first - because your mother hasn't put you first is not YOUR problem - it's hers. She'll regret it.

 

Let me speak to you as a mom. It is not your fault your mother acts the way she does - she's basically not a good mother and is screwed up. You can accept this and move forward with your life and focus on making yourself a success but what you need to do is cut the umbilical cord from her and let her go. She's not going to change.

 

I'm a mom so here, let me give you a hug. You're a good person and you deserve to be happy. Stop tolerating the way you're being treated and demand respect.

 

My mom died and my dad remarried the biggest bitch on the face of this earth. She stole my dad away and I let him go. He treated me the same way your mom treats you. I cut ties and refused to suck up to him or the bitch because that relationship was wrong (she was a gold digger and took all his money). My dad died and now I don't have to deal with any of it and I've moved on.

 

You seem to truly love your mom and you shouldn't have to beg for her attention. She's lucky to have you as her child! She'll regret all this one day!

[fishstar]

Sorry for the delay replying. I was going to try to pm you but I don't know how to. Stardust - I feel you are a good mother. I'm not saying moms should not have friends/boyfriends (latter not while still married!) and lives of their own. But when I have children I will put their feelings first especially if they feel upset. That would be key to making them into strong, confident people.

 

I have always been pushed aside by my mom and undermined. That I wouldn't mind - if it wasn't aside for a horrible trouble-causing, jealous woman-friend. All I wanted was a mom who I could go shopping with, learn cooking from, talk with and trust. I can do none of these things. She does all these things with the friend while I just sit in my room. I'm fed up of trying. So I won't try anymore, I will, as you said, focus on my own success and cut the umbilical card.

 

How hard will this be? I wonder how I will feel if I do this. Did you feel after your father's death, that some weight had lifted? I have no idea what to expect from a life without thinking about my mom. She and her friend has caused me so much pain. I'm worried that when I leave, the friend will think she has won, and this is what she has wanted for over 20 years....Anyway, I want to thank you for caring. thanks.

[motherlode]

Once again, another story of somebody who has a lousy mother. I am sorry for you and know exactly how you feel. I have also never ever had a good relationship with my Mother and she has never ever been supportive. It does hurt very much. I think you need to tell this other weird woman exactly how you feel.. It seems that she is your Mothers instrument aof communication anyway What have you got to lose? Your Mother is selfish as hell. (sorry) I do know one thing for sure, this hurt will serve you well in your life in some form. I promise you .. take care sweetie

[Guest]

hi, I am not by no means saying this is true or not but just by the way you are speaking it can be taken both ways. first of all you mom is in the wrong for cheating on your father!!!! you said he does not know, but does he really or just knows and turns the other cheek? how has your father treated your mom? you see in a relationship it must be were each devotes time and effort to each other. not like my case where he comes home from work, no hi's no nothing watches tv ignores the kid and then says whats for dinner??? not how was your day nothing. then on top of that no sex and no touching like kisses or hugs or sitting by me nothing.

 

my daughter is five and we do not fight in front of her at all. as far as she knows everything is fine and no troubles. I keep it this way cause I was raised in a broken home and would rather live in misery than my daughter have to be broken cause she misses her daddy.(she is a big time daddy's girl) we do things as a family like go to the zoo, movies, etc but it is not like husband and wife more like friendship. if your mom has no life with your father and he does not do things for her or treat her like he loves her then she is bound to find it some where else if she is week.

 

as far as the friend goes are you sure from your heart of hearts that this woman is as bad as you say she is or is it jelousness from your part?? what I mean have you really thought about it. just because mom goes shopping and you stay home does not mean she does not love you. moms need mom time too. I go shopping not all the time in fact I hate to shop but do go out to the greocery or to the mall with out mine. it is not often but I do go and every one in a great while I may even go to dinner with my long time friend of 20+ years. her son is 9 and he will go to grandmas and I will leave mine with her daddy. although I do not drink and it is rare for me to drink. why because I got all that out when I was in my 20's. however if this woman makes your mom feel like she is young and that she is special and that she does matter it makes a world of difference.

 

also has she been through the change of life yet?? I am not quite there yet but close but I have an aunt that was married to her husban the only auncle I have ever known and ended up getting this wild hair and started parting and drinking and going out and all those things in which lead to a divorce. she now regrets it and her ex that she even admits that she messed up is now gone to a new life and remarried. I am not sure what to tell you except that you need to talk to some one about your feelings so you can speak them out loud, no one to be on either side someone to just listen. you may find it is not as bad as it seems. and if it is indeed the other way my suggestion in this is well this is what I would do.

 

I would first confront this woman. make sure she is at a place where she is in full view and I would tell her just how you feel and how she has distroyed your life and how she has effected your moms life. there are tackful ways you can do this. I see that the letters are better cause when you tend to confront someone in person to person things tend to get heated, and may lead to other things. she may walk out while you are telling her how you feel and you not get to finish which will cause even more turmol. so a letter will be addressed to her and she will read this letter!!!! it will not be thrown away because it is our mind that gets the best of us. we always want to know what is at the end of the letter.

 

she may tell you she did not read it but it will be a lie. she will probly read it then show it to your mom. this is where you need to rember not to beat around the bush just because she will show her you need to tell the whole truth all of what you are feeling!!!!!!!! then mom will know you are serious. not only will mom know but so will the woman. she will either want to talk to you or write you back or just ignore it but you will have said what you wanted and she will know how you feel. as far as in the letter you need to tell her you know about the affair and that she probly would have not even considered it but because (you moms friend ) introduced them it has happened and not only that instead of saying that is wrong she helps aid in this fling.

 

again it may not even be the friend cause children are never told the truth about the relationship between thier parents. why I am not sure I do it cause I want her to be happy and no worries no struggles happy child that I never got to have. I will tell you this children are jelious though!!!! if she devoted all her time and effort on you before the friend like what I say I eat sleep and breath my daughter. then of course you will inturn be jelious of her cause it is time you are not getting. really this is a touchy thing and I think for you to get some help by some one that is not on sides and will listen to what you have and really anilize(sorry for spelling not a strong point) how you are feeling.

 

therpy is good for anyone!!! I say it cleans the confusion cause you actually after a while her what you are crying for and you here what you are needing and you get it because you know how to. this board is one of the best and you really can get some help just by posting here. sorry for the book but just is really sad that you and mom is not doing well and I will say a prayer for you to get this worked out.

[Guest]

Dont go too far at first. Another country has a whole load of other issues for you to address and its horrible being lonely AND thousands of miles from home.

 

that is a FACT and lordie you are right.