Help me please

[Joey]

Hi, im a teenager and my g/f is great. i am a little curious of a couple things though. whenever we are doing anything, nothing too serious just touching and stuff, i do all this stuff to her then she is aprehensive to do anything back to me, even when i tell her i want it bad. today she told me about when she was abused as a child and that is why it makes it hard for her when we do stuff. Now i feel really bad and i dont even like kissing her for more a minute or i feel like im bringing back her memories...is there anyway to get past my fearful thoughts? or should i just hold off for abit and make sure she makes every first move from now on? i did sorta ask for her to stuff to me with her hands, but i feel bad afterwards b/c i have to ask for it, i dont see why i need to ask for it, she doesnt ask me for anything..... any advice would be wonderful, thanks.

 

Joey

[velvet]

Who abused her? Does she still live under the same roof with that person? Does she need to see a therapist?

 

Shes young, and as a young teenager she is not ready to be sexual. You should not make strong sexual advances towards her. Eventually with age and time that will change with her.

 

Pay attention to whats more comfortable with her.

 

As far as the fears you have while kissing her go. Dont take kissing any further out of her comfort zone. If kissing too longs makes her uncomfortable, stop. Talk to her dont pressure her.

 

Hi, im a teenager and my g/f is great. i am a little curious of a couple things though. whenever we are doing anything, nothing too serious just touching and stuff, i do all this stuff to her then she is aprehensive to do anything back to me, even when i tell her i want it bad. today she told me about when she was abused as a child and that is why it makes it hard for her when we do stuff. Now i feel really bad and i dont even like kissing her for more a minute or i feel like im bringing back her memories...is there anyway to get past my fearful thoughts? or should i just hold off for abit and make sure she makes every first move from now on? i did sorta ask for her to stuff to me with her hands, but i feel bad afterwards b/c i have to ask for it, i dont see why i need to ask for it, she doesnt ask me for anything..... any advice would be wonderful, thanks. Joey

[Tony T]

You'll need to proceed very slowly and easily with this lady. Early abuse can cause great damage in the relationship and sex area, particularly if the abuse was sexual. However, you should do whatever you care to...just get her permission first.

 

It takes a long time to recover from such abuse, if healing can take place at all. I'm very glad you're sensitive to this.

 

You don't need to have fearful thoughts about this at all. Communicate with your girlfriend as well as you possibly can and move slowly. That's really all you can do.

[witchbreed]

Hi Joey

 

Your gf is lucky to have a considerate young man like you. Sexual abuse leaves deep scares, a kid will feel guilty about it, because the abuser implants his own guilt into the kid (you wanted it) or will make them feel responsible (you are so sexy I couldnt help myself, the devil in you made me do this) or scare them to hell (if you tell anybody I will kill you, mum, myself and you will be responsible for all the misery).

 

Actually you are lucky that she, at that tender age, can even talk a little about it. Most abused children have so low self esteem later on, that they go from one abusive relationsship to the next, remember its all they learned in childhood, that their own feelings dont count at all. Over 80 % of female drug addicts and of prosititues (this percentages are from Switzerland but my guess is, that its the same allover the world) have been sexually abused as kids. So she does have self esteem left, must have had some love and support as a kid.

 

The best thing would be for her to go to counseling, a female counselor specialicing in sexual therapy would be best. And to give her all the time she needs and she will need more then your average girl. When you have wishes, do tell them to her, but make sure, that you only want her to do things, she herself feels comfortable about, she herself really likes and if there is things you would like and she isnt yet ready for, dont hold it against her or pressure her in any way. Pressure will bring back those memories and might destroy whatever you have. I think it might be good for you, to go for some sessions with a counselor too, because its a hard and slow progress your gf will have to go through and you will need help with your own feelings.

 

I wish you all the best and it would be nice if all girls with a past like your gf would find a partner as considerate as you are. Wish both of you all the best.