Should I or Shouldn't I?? Would YOU?

[amaysngrace]

Hi. I'm completely baffled, a common occurence for me these days.

 

I've been involved with a guy I care deeply for. I keep breaking it off because I say he isn't good for me. But the truth is, I love having him in my life. I'm very happy to be around him and enjoy him like I've never enjoyed anybody before.

 

Trouble is, he's an alcoholic. I do think this is what I've been sensing all along, which is why I keep tossing myself in and out of this relationship. He doesn't ever hold it against me. He's very understanding in that regard of making sure my head is where it needs to be. We've both been through a lot and have each gotten divorced in this past year.

 

Yesterday I went to an Al-Anon meeting, and I plan to do it regularly. I have been working on detaching myself emotionally from his issues, but keeping my heart open to him all the same.

 

I feel as though I can handle his alcoholism. Not to make him change it, but to accept it about him. I know I'm not responsible for it...he was like this way before I ever entered the scene.

 

And to my question...has anybody ever made a choice to become involved or stay involved with an alcoholic?

 

I really think I am able to handle it. I know, or think I do, what I'll be giving up if I choose to stay with him. Some of my emotional needs will have to be met by me and not him. And truly, I like this guy that much, and am fully prepared to accept this as my reality. I will accept his bad with his good, without judgment.

 

Am I being completely irresponsible to myself and stupid in thinking this could possibly have a happy ending?

[bluechocolate]

I guess he's a functioning alcoholic otherwise you wouldn't be with him at all.

 

I feel as though I can handle his alcoholism.

 

Really? There is a difference between handle & tolerate.

 

I think you are setting yourself up for a fall. You may think at this moment that you can handle it, you may feel that your love will let you work through this but you're already showing signs that you're finding this difficult. For example:

 

I keep breaking it off because I say he isn't good for me.

 

He doesn't ever hold it against me. He's very understanding in that regard of making sure my head is where it needs to be.

 

hmmm.... Perhaps he doesn't hold it against you because, like most active alcoholics, he is married to the drink first.

 

If you honestly believe that you can handle this then good luck to you. IMO a good relationship is hard enough to sustain in the long term between two healthy functioning adults, nevermind one where one party has a serious substance abuse issue which is known about from the get-go.

[amaysngrace]

IMO a good relationship is hard enough to sustain in the long term between two healthy functioning adults, nevermind one where one party has a serious substance abuse issue which is known about from the get-go.

 

 

I know this BlueChocolate. I'm still on the fence about it all. I've had no contact with him since Sunday, and asked him to give me time to sort things out, and he hasn't called. Which I am glad about, actually.

 

I miss him though.

 

It's like I think I can handle it, but in a way I'm not so sure I really understand what I'm up against. I know he's gonna need me at times to babysit him, and I think I'd want to help him there. I'm not seeing it as a hassle like I did before.

 

I really care about this guy.

[Touche]

Ok, this is a tough one. But I'm going to go against the tide a little bit on this one. I wouldn't automatically say to forget this man. I'd aske myself a few questions first.

 

First of all, does he get abusive in any way when he's drinking? I'd ask myself how it affects the relationship...does it? In what way?

 

How often does he drink? Do you resent him a lot for it? PM me if you want as I have experience with this but would rather discuss it privately.

[Adunaphel]

First of all, does he get abusive in any way when he's drinking? I'd ask myself how it affects the relationship...does it? In what way?

 

I think this is a very good point.

 

Is your bf the very same person when he is drunk as when he is sober?

 

Also... is he planning to do something about his alcoholism problem?

Or he is fine with it, with no intention to give up drinking?

 

You said you went to A Anon meetings... did you go with your bf, or did you attend them on your own?

[amaysngrace]

First of all, does he get abusive in any way when he's drinking?

 

Never. And has displayed no signs of being an abuser, only to himself.

 

I'd ask myself how it affects the relationship...does it? In what way?

 

It was affecting me a little, because I was expecting him to meet certain emotional needs of mine. Which I now know is unrealistic of me to think he possibly could. I've learned how to meet these needs for myself. All relationships are give and take anyway.

 

How often does he drink?

 

Maybe 3 to 4 times a week.

 

Do you resent him a lot for it?

 

Not so much, only like how I told you in the PM. BTW...thanks for that!

 

Do you go to Al Anon? I'm hoping I can learn how to keep myself separated from this as best I can, while being the companion to him he deserves. He is worthy of unconditional love.

[amaysngrace]

Is your bf the very same person when he is drunk as when he is sober?

 

Yes, absolutely.

 

Also... is he planning to do something about his alcoholism problem?

Or he is fine with it, with no intention to give up drinking?

 

He knows he has a problem. I don't know what his intentions are. I feel it is up to him to make the choice, for himself. I don't want to pressure him into quitting. Of course if I take the plunge with him we'll discuss it, but I have to make sure I'm fully committed to this relationship first. But I'm seriously leaning towards it.

 

You said you went to A Anon meetings... did you go with your bf, or did you attend them on your own?

 

On my own, but I let him know I was planning on attending. We haven't spoken since I went. I've only gone to one meeting, the other day.

 

Do you have experience with this as well, Adunaphel?

[Touche]

Well no one can meet your emotional needs 100% whether they're alcoholics or not. I don't think there's a connection there. I mean an alcoholic can still meet more of your emotional needs than a man who has NO drinking problem but is just emotionally closed off by nature.

 

I don't know anything really about Al-Anon. My view on that though is you either can accept the alcoholic how he is or you leave. I don't know what Al-Anon really does for a person. Do they teach you to live with the alcoholic and be happy with them? Not sure anyone can do that if you're already unhappy with someone with a problem.

 

Anyway, can't comment really on Al-Anon.

 

So what does he say when you tell him you're staying away? He seems ok with that. Do you tell him why? What does he say when you tell him. Does he acknowledge at least that he even has a problem?

[amaysngrace]

 

So what does he say when you tell him you're staying away? He seems ok with that. Do you tell him why? What does he say when you tell him. Does he acknowledge at least that he even has a problem?

 

I kind of approached it as "if you care about me at all, you'll give me time to sort through things and not confuse me by calling". Which he has and it's a sign of respect for me, actually. Especially if he's been drinking. Cause he loves to call me when he's been drinking and then he falls asleep on the phone.

 

He knows he has a problem. He may be addressing it right now...I have no idea what he's been up to these past few days. But before I asked for time, I let him know I had planned to go to Al Anon, but I pretty much said it was for my own sake, to discover why I'd have co-dependency to begin with. I gave the impression that this was my issue, rather than his.

 

I really want to call him. It feels like I haven't talked to him in sooo long.

[Touche]

Well then call him, grace. What's the point in staying away if you've decided to stay with him anyway? Maybe he IS addressing this. You won't know unless you call him, right?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he IS addressing this. You won't know unless you call him, right?

 

 

I think this is just what I'm going to do. Big hugs and many thanks to you, Touche!!

[Adunaphel]

Do you have experience with this as well, Adunaphel?

 

Not direct experience - but a couple of friends of mine have alcohol problems (one of them does not realize he has a problem - not even after he woke up in his a run-out-of-gas car in the country at 2.00 PM and his friends filled in him with the details of what he had done the night before).

 

Also, a girl I know was in a six-months relationship with a guy with alcohol problems - she tried to use this very same approach

I feel as though I can handle his alcoholism. Not to make him change it, but to accept it about him. I know I'm not responsible for it...he was like this way before I ever entered the scene.

but did not succeed to.

Well, actually she did not find it a problem at the beginning of their relationship -also because he was being very careful with how much he drank since he did not want to make a bad impression - but the more involved she got , the more of a problem it became.

Her ex bf, though, on the contrary of your bf, became a totally different person when drunk -at least in the last months they were together. From affictionate and caring to excessively jealous and abusive.

 

I'm asking you a couple of questions - please take no offence if they sound bad.

How much in love are you with your bf? Or perhaps I should ask, do you think you could get more in love than you are now with him, and start worrying more about your bf's alcohol problem? (like happened to this girl)

Or ...any chances you are still in that honeymoon phase where all your SO's traits seem minor ones, and his problem might start to really bother you in a while?

 

Also.... one of the things that worried me about this girl is the fact that she drank quite a lot herself when she was with her bf... more than she normally would. She'd tell me they spent sundays at home recovering from saturday's hangover... out of character for her. And once she would have driven home while very drunk - well, she did, but luckily there was another guy in the car with the two of them. Again, very out of character of her.

You don't really sound like the kind of person who'd start drinking because her SO drinks....you are not, are you?

[blind_otter]

hmmm.... Perhaps he doesn't hold it against you because, like most active alcoholics, he is married to the drink first.

 

This is dead-on 100% correct. Alcohol always comes first, for the alcoholic. Relationships, loved ones. HAH! They come a very very distant second.

 

Facilitate your attraction to emotionally unavailable men. I can't validate this line of thinking. Love does not and never will "conquer all"....but hey it's your life. No one can talk you out of something you've already decided to do.

 

I ruined many people's lives when I was an acitve user/alcoholic. Most especially those who tried to make a romantic committment to me. when I think back on all the people who said pretty much the same thing you said in your first post...I'm ready to take this on, I can handle it....

 

It's called white knight syndrome. You'll only hurt yourself in the end, though.

[Touche]

I think this is just what I'm going to do. Big hugs and many thanks to you, Touche!!

 

You're welcome grace. Let us know how he's doing ok?

[Touche]

This is dead-on 100% correct. Alcohol always comes first, for the alcoholic. Relationships, loved ones. HAH! They come a very very distant second.

 

Facilitate your attraction to emotionally unavailable men. I can't validate this line of thinking. Love does not and never will "conquer all"....but hey it's your life. No one can talk you out of something you've already decided to do.

 

I ruined many people's lives when I was an acitve user/alcoholic. Most especially those who tried to make a romantic committment to me. when I think back on all the people who said pretty much the same thing you said in your first post...I'm ready to take this on, I can handle it....

 

It's called white knight syndrome. You'll only hurt yourself in the end, though.

 

I'm not trying to "facilitate" anything. All I'm saying is that not ALL alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. I've met PLENTY of sober men who were emotionally closed off and I've met and known some alcoholics who were NOT.

 

Only grace can look at all the issues and ask herself all the questions and decide for HERSELF if this man is worth it to her. Can she accept that at times his drinking WILL come first? Hey, for some men GOLF or some other thing sometimes comes first.

 

Look, I realize that my views on this are controversial but I don't think ALL alcoholics should be written off as incapable of loving or being in a loving relationship. I don't believe that.

[blind_otter]

Look, I realize that my views on this are controversial but I don't think ALL alcoholics should be written off as incapable of loving or being in a loving relationship. I don't believe that.

 

I don't think they are incapable of loving either. Hell, I'm an alcoholic.

 

But I do think that the way that alcoholics love is always twisted. Because alcoholism is fundamentally a self-centered disease.

 

I have spent the last year making amends to people I injured. And let me say that I've had some conversations that were...humbling. To say the least.

 

I know that I tried, with what flawed tools I had available to me -- to love the people who loved me. But the process of alcoholism destroyes the alcoholic. And by extension, those who love them.

 

Because the alcoholic never truely realizes how their dependence on alcohol hurts their loved ones -- they continually wound the people who love them, unintentionally, but even unintentional wounds can kill.

[blind_otter]

I read this and the above post came off sounding strident.

 

I feel very guilty, now, for what I did to people when I was using. I feel so bad. I remember how many men wanted to save me, or prove to me by being with me that they could handle it. And I know personally that a few of them were literally destroyed by what I did. Not to them, but to myself.

 

And I never knew. I never noticed. I was so caught up in my own disease process.

 

The thought of getting involved with an alcoholic, now -- makes my skin crawl. Because I know exactly what it is they do. Because I did it to other people.

[Touche]

I do understand what you're saying but the fact of the matter is that not ALL alcoholics hurt those around them.

 

Also, you say they love in a twisted manner. I don't necessarily agree with that either. Take away the alcohol and those same people very often, STILL love in a twisted matter.

 

Everything you've said DOES apply to MOST alcoholics though. I will concede that. But there ARE exceptions. There really are.