Guest Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 I really dont know where to start, i started seeing this guy on the 2nd nov last year we get on great been to see him a couple of times great sex. But now i dont know what to do, how are we supposed to bring up a baby? Dont get me wrong i do love him to bits but i wish we could be alot closer. He has asked me to marry him, obviously i said yes but if anyone has any ideas bout solving pregnancy in a LDR then please get in touch Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 I almost don't know what to say to you. At least, I won't be able to put what I have to say in a one-line sentence. I know the last thing you want to hear is, "How could you wind up in such a dilemma???" But I'm going to voice my opinion (for whatever it's worth) on some of these silly, time-consuming, worthless, and dramatic long-distance relationships that people try to carry out. I expect negative feeback -so don't hold back, just state your own replies as frankly as I've expressed mine. (Smile.) So, "Bring it!" Almost none of the LDR's I have ever heard about, which were formed through virtual contact of the internet, were largely maintained by technological means, and severely limited in regards to physical contact, even came close to grasping realistic expectations of the here and now -much less the future of the relationship. Yes, -there are exceptions: people who have already formed relationships while in close quaters of each other, fell in love, and then circumstances separated them for one reason or another. And, to me, those long distance relationships are just fine; they certainly have a better chance of surviving the distance from each other until they are reunited. The thing I'm always shaking my head about with these LDR's that people are so excited about today -and pursue with fervor- is that they both allow -and rely on- so much *imagination* in regards to what the relationship consists of, in the first place. You can't possibly *know* someone unless you spend quality time with them on a frequent basis, -at least not enough so that you could even rationally consider it a relationship that could lead to marriage. It's hard enough, as it is, being in a relationship where you see your beloved everyday! Being in a LDR is somewhat like being "in love" with a wisp of smoke, or like falling in love with the picture of your favorite celebrity. In talking with one woman who was describing her boyfriend, I suddenly realized that the year-long love affair was not with someone she had even seen in person except for three all-day-long visits! All along, I had listened to the stories of how wonderful he was, how caring, and how much in love they were -then I realized she had met him via the internet, carried on hours-long conversations with him (by PC & phone) for months, and I was even more stunned to hear that he had proposed and they were talking "seriously" about marriage! To put it mildly, I'm floored by how deluded people can become with these types of long-distance relationships. To me, it absolutely defies reasonable human intelligence. Let's not even talk about the depression, the lonliness, the hours devoted to imagination of the "fairytale", the paranoia of wondering if he/she is being "faithful" in absence, etc. etc. It's downright "weary-ing" , for Christs' sake! Look, if you're going to go through all that for a relationship -why not find someone who lives close enough to you, so that you can have a better idea of who they really are on a day-to-day basis, and be better able to evaluate the *quality* of the relationship (see him/her, for instance) to know whether they are even *worth* it? How can you learn what a person is like -or how they deal with both routine and unexpected situational life occurrances and events- if you aren't together to witness their reaction (in-person) in regards to how they handle these very specific and telling things? Puzzling. And certainly something well worth your consideration. As for your dilemma with the pregnancy -since you may or may not have a "real" relationship with the father (I'm wondering how seeing him a couple of times and having sex twice can constitute a realtionship that has a chance of surviving, here) -I think it may be high time to face all the realities of your situation. You're pregnant, you truly don't know the father, and I seriously doubt -judging by the tone and details of your post, and despite your "love-confirming" statement- whether either one of you are "in love". Go to your phone book, look until you find a good counseling source and keep the appointment. This is your life -not a fairytale romance that stays between the pages of a book. Wake up and take charge of it. All I have said is no more than I would have said to someone close to me whom I care deeply about; it was all spoken in kindness and with respect to this type of situation with consideration to the details you provided (or didn't) and from my own personal point of view. Take care and good luck. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
sao2 Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 riobikini, I will bring it . . .not because I disagree with what you have stated. In fact I agree on most points . . .but the majority of what you have written does absolutely no good in the face of the situation and could have been placed elsewhere in this forum rather than in a direct reply to someone who already is in a difficult situation. She doesn't need you to give her a reality check . . . the baby is sufficient reality check. As for the situation . . . I don't think the internet is an appropriate place for you to find counseling. I think that you should seek from your family, a trusted friend, or a counselor. There alot of factors that need ot be considered including both your and your S.O.s living situation, and age. The fact that he has asked you to marry him shows that he values the relationship and that this is serious for him. Whether the two of you are ready for that I can't tell you, but I don't believe anyone is really ever ready for marriage . . . they just do it. If you two are going to get married and are of age then you have to solve the distance problem . . . whatever is the reason for the distance, whether it be school or work, is secondary. If it were me I would hold off getting married for a bit . . .and one of us, whoever is more flexible, would move to the same area as the other(try and get unpaid leave from work, that way I could go back if it doesn't work out). Get a six month lease (not living together) and DATE each other before getting married. Some would argue that is a drastic decision. It might also be argued that 6 months is not enough time to really get to know someone . . . but if pregnancy is already a reality then your life is already changed significantly. Again this is just what I hope I would do . . .this is your situation and only you can really know what is right for you. I really hope you seek counseling that is appropriate for you, whether it be professional, close friends, or family. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 re: sao2: "...riobikini... the majority of what you have written does absolutely no good in the face of the situation and could have been placed elsewhere in this forum rather than in a direct reply to someone who already is in a difficult situation. She doesn't need you to give her a reality check . . . the baby is sufficient reality check." Reflect to: riobikini: " I know the last thing you want to hear is, "How could you wind up in such a dilemma???"" " All I have said is no more than I would have said to someone close to me whom I care deeply about; it was all spoken in kindness and with respect to this type of situation with consideration to the details you provided (or didn't) and from my own personal point of view." sao2: " As for the situation . . . I don't think the internet is an appropriate place for you to find counseling. I think that you should seek from your family, a trusted friend, or a counselor. " Reflect to: riobikini: " Go to your phone book, look until you find a good counseling source and keep the appointment. This is your life -not a fairytale romance that stays between the pages of a book. Wake up and take charge of it." And I wouldn't change a single word of my statements. All take care. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
CrushedOrgans Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 I really dont know where to start, i started seeing this guy on the 2nd nov last year we get on great been to see him a couple of times great sex. But now i dont know what to do, how are we supposed to bring up a baby? Dont get me wrong i do love him to bits but i wish we could be alot closer. He has asked me to marry him, obviously i said yes but if anyone has any ideas bout solving pregnancy in a LDR then please get in touch well, you can't "solve" a pregnancy, so i am not sure what you mean by that, but as for the other stuff... "i love him to bits but i wish we could be a lot closer" should have been your reaction a lot sooner in this so-called relationship, not when you find out you're bringing his child into the world. and once you found out about it, your first thought might have been "well, one of us will move" if you were serious about this. you've said yes to marriage, but yet you haven't discussed anything else concerning this complicated mess? "got on great", "love him to bits", and "been to see him a couple of times" is not a stable, loving relationship nor is an appropriate environment for a baby. i won't tell you what to do, but you should really consider your options... how old are you, by the way? Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 I agree with you, CO -the specific way that was phrased caught my eye immediately. And I also wondered -just like you- about the age of the poster. To me, it sounded that she may have been far too young to be handling this without a professional involved -but then, no one ahould be handling a situation of this magnitude alone at any age without some kind of reasonable, grounding, "outside" guidance. In addition, I want to post the following: re: sao2: "..The fact that he has asked you to marry him shows that he values the relationship and that this is serious for him." Not necessarily. It only appears, to me, that both of these people are making even more life-changing decisions based on emotions of fear, confusion -and probably, shock- that have gripped them in this unexpected situation. I'm voting for professional counseling for, at least, one of them, most definately. Guess which one. All take care. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 I don't understand your question. How do you solve a pregnancy long distance? You either have the baby and keep it or give it up for adoption, or you don't have it and get an abortion. There really aren't any other options for the pregnancy. As to whether you get married or not, you need to be living in the same place for that to happen. To get married and raise a child together, you need to be living in the same place. Since you've said yes to marriage, then you two need to be talking about who will move and how. As to whether you should get married...only you and your fiancee can determine whether that's the right thing. Why aren't you talking to HIM about all of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 I really dont know where to start, i started seeing this guy on the 2nd nov last year we get on great been to see him a couple of times great sex. But now i dont know what to do, how are we supposed to bring up a baby? Dont get me wrong i do love him to bits but i wish we could be alot closer. He has asked me to marry him, obviously i said yes but if anyone has any ideas bout solving pregnancy in a LDR then please get in touch I think Rio's advice was right on the money. Link to post Share on other sites
js97 Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 hm.. i didn't bother reading the rest of the replies... but.... did I miss something? you're getting married.. whats the problem again?. I'm not sure, but it doesn't sounds like you excepted his marriage proposal whole-heartedly. I think you should grow up and accept what you and him did and figure it out. If he is willing to accept the responsibility of his actions, you should seriously consider stepping up and accepting your part two. it really takes two to make a 'mistake' like that. Sorry that i didn't sugar coat it, but but a baby is a serious matter! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Don't rush into a marriage. Don't get married just because of the baby. Decide who is going to move so that the two of you are together and can start working on your relationship face to face. Get engaged if you want (although being engaged will creates pressure and you already have a lot of that with a baby coming - so you may want to think about that). Get to know eachother in person and really see if you are as commited and connected as you think you are long distance. Get counseling - also premarital counseling FOR SURE - that can bring up and allow you to discuss situations you will face in a marriage that probably have never come up. Be prepared you are going to have strong emotional feelings and you are going to swing like a pendulum - that part is normal. You're pregnant. And CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SammyFris Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 I really dont know where to start, i started seeing this guy on the 2nd nov last year we get on great been to see him a couple of times great sex. But now i dont know what to do, how are we supposed to bring up a baby? Dont get me wrong i do love him to bits but i wish we could be alot closer. He has asked me to marry him, obviously i said yes but if anyone has any ideas bout solving pregnancy in a LDR then please get in touch I know this is going to be hard but you really need to think about the baby on this one, go to see him and have a serious long talk because it sounds like hes proposed because hes maybe scared i know how your feeling because i am also pregnant from a long distance relationship but the father dont want to be there and maybe the father of your child does all i can say is congratulations to you and i hope it works out for you and you will always have your family for support if it gets hard Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 I really dont know where to start, i started seeing this guy on the 2nd nov last year we get on great been to see him a couple of times great sex. But now i dont know what to do, how are we supposed to bring up a baby? Dont get me wrong i do love him to bits but i wish we could be alot closer. He has asked me to marry him, obviously i said yes but if anyone has any ideas bout solving pregnancy in a LDR then please get in touch This is going to be a very difficult time for you both, a baby is a big step in a LDR you need to talk to him face to face about this, and i also think like everyone else yas both should leave marriage for a while and concentrate on deciding on how things are going to be for when the baby comes along i know how this must be for you and this guy im going through the same thing and i have to live with the mistake for the rest of my life and do it alone so if this guy wants to be around for the baby GO FOR IT at the end of the day its only you who can make the decision, its easy for people to say you should do this you should do that but they have to be in the situation themselves to know how hard it actually is and congratulations to you as well Link to post Share on other sites
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