About recovering my relationship?

[Guest]

I am a 50 year old man who has been in a partnership with the most beautiful woman (inside and out) I've ever seen, never mind been with, for four years or so. I'll call her Kay.

 

After the first six months of our relationship, things got really tough and as much as I loved her, I couldn't deal with the fights, which she tells me were about my lack of commitment to her. But instead of finishing it (I didn't finish it because she is not only the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, she also has a heart of gold, she's extremely generous, kind and the sex is the best I've ever had), I started seeing other women in an attempt to find someone who I could everything I had with Kay, less the fights and the mood swings.

 

I slept with three of them over the course of three years. None of these relationships were serious, I only saw the women for a few dates and, although I slept with three of them, I didn't see any of them more than five or so times. However, Kay came round to mine one night unexpectedly, and caught me with one of these women - it was only dinner, we didn't sleep together, although Kay has no way of believing me. Kay questioned me about her and I made stuff up about who she was and I promised that I wasn't seeing anyone else. I did this so she wouldn't be more hurt or do something silly if she really knew who this woman was.

 

So, three years into my relationship with Kay, I had a huge revelation about my feelings for her (she did something amazing and it stunned me) and I stopped seeing other women. Kay though has remained incredibly suspicious and she snooped. She found out about the other women and she found out that I'd actually had sex with some of them. She was absolutley heartbroken. At the time she found out, she behaved with incredible dignity. It made me love her even more. But since then, she has been less and less forgiving, more and more suspicious, even though I haven't done anything bad this year.

 

Kay is asking for reassurance in five different ways, all of which I feel unable to give her as I feel so wary of her, so defensive about the whole thing, I feel that I'm being forced to do things, I'm not being given the chance to dothem of my own free will. But Idont' want to loose her, she means so much to me.

 

Please would you advise me. Many thanks.

[catgirl1927]

She obviously doesn't mean anything to you, because you were cheating on her. She is right not to trust you, you have proven that you can't be trusted.

 

What you need to do is do her a favor and get out of her life so she can find someone who deserves and appreciates her.

[Annacabana]

I agree with Catgirl, she has every reason not to trust you at all. If you loved her you wouldn't have cheated and wouldn't have lied to her about it. I say move on with a lesson learned.

[typical]

(she did something amazing and it stunned me)

 

I am sure it didnt take much

 

But since then, she has been less and less forgiving, more and more suspicious, even though I haven't done anything bad this year.

 

 

Note: THIS year.......next year, though, thats a different story....actually, you failed to mention the word "yet"...there are still some months to go, and I am sure you will live up to her shining reputation of you.

 

Kay is asking for reassurance in five different ways

My curiosity is officially piqued. Please, do tell.

[Guest]

I am sure it didnt take much

 

 

 

Note: THIS year.......next year, though, thats a different story....actually, you failed to mention the word "yet"...there are still some months to go, and I am sure you will live up to her shining reputation of you.

 

 

My curiosity is officially piqued. Please, do tell.

 

Well, it was quite a lot I thought. She completed a very arduous expedition under incredible circumstances.

 

She wants me to show her my cell phone, I've deleted all the numbers of the women I was in contact with already. And, under duress, I showed her the phone.

 

 

She wants me to contact one of the women who I didn't sleep with, am just friends with, and tell her I don't want to be in contact with her any more, and tel her about Kay. Although she does already know, but Kay needs proof.

 

She wants me to delete my profiles off dating sites I'm on - again I have no problem with this, I haven't looked at them for nearly a year.

 

She wants me to give her a key to my house, I have no problem with this either.

 

She wants a zapper (to open the electric gates to my house), again I have no problem.

 

My only problem is that Kay is demanding this of me, I'm given no choice and I don't like that. I want to give her those things (and more) of my own accord.

 

and yes, to the previous posters, you're aboslutely right. I did the dirty, unforgiveable, I know that. However, I will, in no way, do those things again to Kay. I've learnt my lesson. I love her.

[Guest]

I should have said, I do, honestly, love this woman and am more sorry than I could ever say that I screwed up so royally. Please help me to give her the reassurance she needs to feel ok with me without me loosing my sense of self. I feel that I'm being beaten up, emotionally, the whole time and I really want to get over this, but I do want to help Kay too, I just don't know how.

[Annacabana]

You can help her get over this by doing those five things she wants from you. If you can't give her that, then it is time to move on. It will probably take a long time to heal from this, betrayal is hard to get over.

[whichwayisup]

You want her? Then go to couples therapy and do all that she asks of you. People who cheat on their spouses lose the right to be upset when the betrayed one asks them to do certain things - Like all that you mentioned in your previous posts. If she wants you to end it with ALL the OW and not be friends with them, do that. If she wants to ask them questions, let her. If she wants you to go for blood tests for STD's, DO that. Re-assure her that you are going to work on yourself, gain her trust and respect again.

 

The fact is, you also need individual counselling too. You gave in to other women because the ONE woman who was perfect for you had some mood swings and some fights. Why at that time didn't you consider talking to her, going to counselling then, working it out? Why did you think it be OK if you sought other women?

 

Kay deserves better, and you broke her trust, as well as her heart. You chose to cheat on her and now she doesn't trust you at all. Hate to say it, but now you have to suffer the consquences of your actions and choices...Even if you're not cheating now, how is she really to know that? You lied, made a fool of her for so long - How can she trust you now, because of your word?

 

Only way to gain her love, trust again is DO what is necessary to fix the relationship. You're lucky that she's willing to give you another chance. You take the crap she throws your way! Her whole life has been turned upside down! She is upset, pissed off, hurt, angry at you BIG TIME! Let her deal with her emotions, be supportive, loving and let her know that it's your fault, you screwed up. Don't blame her for being angry at you or for her to ask you to do what you listed.

[Cyndi]

After the first six months of our relationship, things got really tough and as much as I loved her, I couldn't deal with the fights, which she tells me were about my lack of commitment to her. But instead of finishing it (I didn't finish it because she is not only the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, she also has a heart of gold, she's extremely generous, kind and the sex is the best I've ever had), I started seeing other women in an attempt to find someone who I could everything I had with Kay, less the fights and the mood swings.

 

It does seem like you are (or at least you were) struggling with making a real commitment to Kay, and that is why you decided to start dating these other women on the side and then slept with some of them. Most men who have a problem with committing to a relationship behave this way once the relationship begins to seem too 'permanent'. It doesn't matter how beautiful or wonderful their real love interest is, they will still cheat because they feel scared and suffocated. It sounds like you are very much in love with Kay and that she makes you very happy on every level, so you need to ask yourself why you're running away from someone who makes you happy. Why are you fighting a normal relationship so much? It sounds like you have some issues that need to be addressed.

 

The way I see it, if you are not willing to make a full-fledged commitment to Kay that includes complete honesty and NOT seeing any other women(friend or otherwise), then you owe it to her to set her free. It's cruel to get involved with someone and not be able to give them a real and true monogamous relationship. It's perfectly normal that Kay feels jealous and suspicious having learned of your sexual transgressions with those other women. How would you like it if she dated and slept with several guys behind your back? You would probably be more than just a little upset about that.

[Guest]

Thank you, people. I needed to hear all that. I better get my act together!

[Cyndi]

Thank you, people. I needed to hear all that. I better get my act together!

 

Yes, it's time to stop playing games with her. Give her the commitment she wants. Give her the reassurance she needs. And talk of detailed plans to make your relationship solid. Not romantic fuzzy talk, but real concrete plans on your future together. Where you are planning to be with her a year from now, two years from now, etc. Move toward changing your attitudes/fears about commitment. Having a close, monogamous relationship is a beautiful, wonderful thing, not a bad thing. Good luck to you.