sumdude Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 Just had another nasty argument with my sister. Or should I say I just took another load of abuse from her on the phone. At one point I just had enough and ended the call poorly with a "shutup b**ch" and hangup. This is NOT my standard MO with people at all. My sister has a point at which she loses her temper and snaps. Then the abusive language comes out, degrading, insulting you name it. Never an apology total guilt trips etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel guilty about how I ended the call but I'm at my last nerve. She asks me for help, I try to help but am wary of any involvement with her at all because inevitably I get a load of crap and a stomach ache. So she wonders why I don't jump at the chance to give her a hand when she asks? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 just draw the line with her watching. Tell her you love/care about her, but you're not going to put up with BS or drama because you're not interested in either. Then walk away from the scene, using your best judgement when she asks for help. When you do help, remind her that you're not going to put up with drama or BS, period. If it starts up, walk away. Eventually she'll get the idea that you're serious about not putting up with bad/poor behavior. just because they're relatives and you love them doesn't mean you have to put up with needless crap from them, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted September 27, 2006 Author Share Posted September 27, 2006 Part of me would like to have almost nothing to do with her at all. She's been this way as long as I can remember. It's not easy since we live within 2 miles of each other and my dad is right there too. My wife has completely had enough of sis. We all just went through a rough time. Lost my Mom 6 mos ago to cancer. The last 2 months were really hard since my mom required 24-7 care at home after 2 weeks in the hospital. My sister ended up providing a lot of it mainly because she doesn't work full time and the rest of us do. We all pitched in as we could but the resentment was soo intense that it made a hard situation even worse. The part that sucks the most is my dad is stuck in the middle of it., He wants more than anything for the family to stick together but it just can't happen right now. So my wife and I make plans with him alone and avois my sister. With the Holidays coming I don't have a clue what is goiing to happen. Believe me after 30 years of ruined holidays I would skip it but hate to hurt my dad. I try to avoid the conflicts or walk away but the message doesn't seem to get through. It's always somehow MY fault and me just being a bad brother who doesn't care about his family. The guilt is insane and the anxiety can be intense. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 you're right to limit your time with her ... no one can be around someone so toxic or negative or (in the case with my one brother) mentally unstable without being seriously affected by it. YOU are not the one in the wrong for trying to keep your sanity. Because in the long run, your dad/wife/kids will need you to be at your best when they need what only you can give. Don't feel so guilty that it makes the situation worse for you. I'm really sorry to hear about your mom ... if she was like mine, I imagine she pretty much was the oil that kept the family functioning smoothly. hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 just because they're relatives and you love them doesn't mean you have to put up with needless crap from them, you know? I can't tell you how much I agree with that statement! It always amazes me when people say, "but we're family", like somehow those words allow someone to dish out or put up with crap & garbage. My philosophy with family is that I will not tolerate behaviour that I would not tolerate from a friend or an acquaintence. And yes also to the rest of what quank had to say. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 My philosophy with family is that I will not tolerate behaviour that I would not tolerate from a friend or an acquaintence. I think we must have been separated at birth! my family gets mad at my so-called "attitude," but I figure life is short and I shouldn't have to be sucked in by a relative's bad behavior when I refuse to be sucked in by anyone elses. Maybe I'm holding them to a higher standard, maybe I'm just a b*tch, but hey ... I'm not as stressed out anymore since I decided I don't have to put up with stupid shxt. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 27, 2006 Share Posted September 27, 2006 my family gets mad at my so-called "attitude," but I figure life is short and I shouldn't have to be sucked in by a relative's bad behavior when I refuse to be sucked in by anyone elses. Maybe I'm holding them to a higher standard, maybe I'm just a b*tch, but hey ... I'm not as stressed out anymore since I decided I don't have to put up with stupid shxt. I don't think you're holding them to a higher standard, rather the same standard that you hold all of the poeple to in your life. What they seem to be expecting is that, when it comes to family, you should lower your standards. It is nice to know I'm not alone! Some people think I'm callous & hard-hearted because I happen to believe that, for the most part, blood is not thicker than water. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted September 28, 2006 Author Share Posted September 28, 2006 Well today I wrote an e-mail to her where first I apoloized for the way I ended the phone call yet made it clear that I was fed up. That the browbeating and insults weren't exactly great motivation for me to want to help her out and I that loved her but I wasn't going to take it anymore. Also that yes, I was reluctant to help her ( a big part of the load o' crap I was getting ) after being treated that way repeatedly. We'll see how this flies. Either some contrition or she'll just throw it back in my face. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 Either some contrition or she'll just throw it back in my face. If she throws it back in your face be sure to follow up on what you said, ie. not helping her. Othewise what you say is meaningless & she'll probably never take you at your word again & her behaviour towards you will worsen. She sounds a bit like a bully to me. This holiday is obviously very important, being the first one without your mother. In future though you should seriously consider trying to come to some sort of other arrangement(s). It is your holiday too & your wife's holiday. You have every right to have as peaceful & enjoyable a time as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
seven Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 sumdude--My sister drives me nuts at times too. But tonight I went to the wake of my friend's sister who passed away and was a bit overcome with emotion, life's meaning, etc. In any event, I give you credit for writing to your sister and trying to improve the situation. Maybe she feels she wasn't appreciated for all her caregiving [even though she may have been]. Hope her response to you is a positive and respectful one. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
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