New relationship same problems!

[Tennman0204]

To give everybody a little background....I'm 30 years old and I've been divorced twice. I've been the one to do the divorcing. My first wife and I basically just started going our own ways and no matter how much counseling we did, it just didn't seem to work and come to find out she cheated on me a couple times while we were married. My second wife stole eabout $20,000-$25,000 of my money and cheated on me with someone on the internet. That's the little history.

 

I've been divorced for a about a year now and I've met someone who I thought to be completely different than anybody else I've been with. She's successful, has had the same job for more than 10 years, has her own house, not in debt up to her ears, etc. She's been divorced for about 7 years and has dated A LOT in that time.

 

After being together for a few months, we started talking about being together for the long hawl! Marriage, combining incomes, etc. She asked me to move into her house and I thought we were doing great. Well, come to find out, she has a real hard time telling people that she's in a relationship with me. I think it's because she's been single for so long that she kind of doesn't want other people to know and ruin....heck...I have no idea. Well, after moving into her house she was getting text messages from ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, etc. and she would never admit or tell them she's in a relationship. Now she wouldn't get freaky with these guys on the internet or the phone texts, but again she wouldn't admit it either, so they would just keep texting or calling without knowing. We've had a lot of discussions about it and how it bothers me, but it's still happening. It's slowed down a bit, but not much. Another thing, I could tell she's been hiding things on her computer, and one day I just had to know. I found out she's been IMing with guys on yahoo and again she would never tell them she's in a realationship after they want her to get all freaky nasty with them.

 

How am I supposed to feel? Is what she's doing completely wrong or should I just brush it off. She's told me numerous times that she loves me and she does want to marry me. We've also gotten into heated discussions about what I've seen and what she's doing. I feel like the world's biggest *ss for doing those things, but I feel like I don't want to be caught off guard like the last two times I was married because what she's doing is exactly what my other two wives did.

 

Just recently though I found out that she password protected her phone and her computer. I told her a while back that we have a trust issue between us and she agreed. I personally don't see how password protecting your cell phone and computer is supposed to help build that trust. I know everybody is entitled to their own proviacy, but with these issues between us, I feel doing this isn't the best thing to do.

 

What should be my next move? Should I pack my bags and find someplace else to stay or give her time to feel more comfortable with our relationship? We've been together now for almost 6 months. I love this girl more than anything in the world, and I don't want to leave her!

 

HELP!

[Bryanp]

Your next move should be to move out and don't look back. Good grief - you have been married twice and they both have cheated on you. This current woman is giving you all of the signs of a cheater. Do you think she would accept such crap from you? I would strongly suggest that you get into counseling and try to understand why you pick the women you do. Red flags are flashing everyway. She clearly does not respect you or your relationship. It is a lock that she will cheat on you based on what you have written.

[norajane]

I agree with Bryan completely.

[bluetuesday]

Your next move should be to move out and don't look back. Good grief - you have been married twice and they both have cheated on you. This current woman is giving you all of the signs of a cheater. Do you think she would accept such crap from you? I would strongly suggest that you get into counseling and try to understand why you pick the women you do. Red flags are flashing everyway. She clearly does not respect you or your relationship. It is a lock that she will cheat on you based on what you have written.

 

yeeeees, this is exactly what i would have said.

 

man, you have a great opportunity here to learn how NOT to repeat a pattern that has caused you a load of misery twice over. grab it with both hands and get the hell outa there.

 

this woman is trouble. guaranteed. and you are trouble for picking a cheater again. take a good, honest look at why you've hooked up with a series of women who've treated you badly. the signs are always there. always.

[IzzyisDizzy001]

Bright red flags are everywhere... this woman is ethier cheating already or likely will in the future. I would bet my paycheck on it. I agree with the others. Move out and figure out (with the help of a good IC) why you keep ending up picking cheaters. There are lots of good women out there, you don't need this crap!

[narcist_ave]

wow, sounds familiar. My advice would be that since this is obviously hurting you, perhaps you should turn back and part ways before it 'gets too late'.

 

wow thats so much easier said than done. It's hard to understand why someone could be that way to someone they claim to love but past experiences have taught me that she may either be cheating, or keeping or 'book' open?

 

how ever, she did ask you to move in, which indicates she must be somewhat serious?

 

Rather to me, it seems as if she is keeping you a secret and secrets are only kept for one reason. My goal would be to find out why.

 

Look, if a woman loves a man a woman is proud of the man. and it seems to me the prife isnt there which makes me wonder is the love?

 

it could be that maybe she is just nervous or confused? if i was you and wanted to pop some sense into her head i would tell her that i love her and want to be with her, but right now living together isnt working. its time to move out, have space and see what does or doesnt get better.

 

Let her know you are serious: it hurts and it is not ok.

[Tennman0204]

Thank you everybody for all of your replies. I have contemplated just packing my stuff and leaving. There are just some things that just don't make sense. Here's a girl who is pretty successful, not much baggage or bills, divorced for 7 years, her family loves me, and is just an all around stable person....almost perfect!

 

Here I am divorced for a little over a year, still trying to regroup from the financial strain my ex put me in, I was renting a room in a house, my job is a great job but it's a contract job so it's a yearly thing, etc. You see where I'm getting at with this?

 

You would think that she would be weary of me right? I have talked to her about how I feel, and she agrees that she would feel the same way if the tables were turned. That's what just really boggles my mind. I've threatened to leave and say things just weren't working out, but she kept telling me that she loves me and she doesn't want me to go. I dunno. Just a very weird situation. I hate giving up on something I feel so strongly about thinking I might be making a big mistake if I do leave...or I could be making a huge mistake if I stay. Thoughts? Thanks again everybody!

[Bryanp]

Judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions speak volumes about how little she feels about boundaries, committment and hurting a significant other.

[Rooster_DAR]

Your situation echoes exactly what I have just gone through with my ex g/f. She did all the things you described, and after a while I just could not help to start questioning her motives. She also said she loved me very much, and we spent lots of time together on the weekends doing things we both enjoyed. But the other side, she would go out of town for months at a time on a work project, and when she returned she would be text messaging people I didn't know all hours of the day and night. After a while I mentinoned that it was bothering me that she was spending all this time on the phone with these male friends, while I just sat back and felt unheard and unneeded. She said she was talking to a female friend of hers that was having a hard time, and I believed until messaging got compulsive. I could understand a teenager doing these things, but a 33 year old woman in a serious relationship makes this really inmature.

 

After I was fed up, I did a little detective work and found out that she was talking to a guy she went on her last job with not a female, and she did this the whole time we were on a romantic weekend together. A year later this whole thing repeated itself again in the exact same cycle it did before, but with a different guy this time. She started distancing her self (quit wearing ring, hiding her cellphone) more and more while I was falling apart from the whole thing. The lies, secrets, and contradictions were just too intolerable, so I decided to move out from our new home. I finally cut off all communication so I could pick myself up from this mess, and I'm glad I did.

 

Judging by the context of your post, I would say you feel something is not right and that is a big red flag. Your gut feelings are usually right, so listen to them.

 

Good luck

[nicki]

Please consider what everyone is saying here. Down deep, don't you feel it's true? You just don't want it to be true. But that doesn't change the fact that she is acting very shady.

 

Maybe you repeatedly pick women like this because it's comfortable to you. The good news is that you are noticing it faster. You are learning. What took you years to see clearly now only takes months. Soon you will be able to spot it immediately.

 

Your next step is to leave a situation you KNOW looks like your bad marriages.

 

Consider dating women who act completely different from your exes. Ones who don't care if you look at their phone because they have nothing to hide. Ones who actually tell you the truth when you ask them a question. It's a good place to start. You may even feel bored because it's "normal."

 

Soon you will like "normal." Normal doesn't cheat on you, lie to you or make you talk yourself into a relationship. Normal is secure, consistent, open and trusting. Please consider get used to that instead of what you are currently accepting in your relationship.

 

Once people know better, they do better. You know more about her now than you did before, so you can make a new decision about being with her.

 

I had to learn this same lesson. Watch actions, not words. Change direction with new information. Expect good character and reject bad character once you see it.

[Rooster_DAR]

Excellent post nicki.

 

You sound like a person whom has their head on straight!

[arniebuteft]

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. An oversimplification, but appropriate here. She's unwilling to give up the attention she gets from her swarm of male friends, exbfs, etc. Don't you want someone who'd actually be proud to be in a relationship with you? That would tell everyone, sing it from the rooftops??

 

Even without the password protection on her phone and comp, the simple fact that she has a hard time telling others she's in a relationship with you, well, that speaks volumes. Do you really need to hear more than that?

 

Oh, and I'll bet ten bucks there's more than a few 'inappropriate' e-mails, text messages, or chat logs sitting on her computer RIGHT NOW as you're reading this message. Get out before you really get involved and hurt.

[Rooster_DAR]

I read alot of posts where people think you are paranoid, or wrong for wondering what your S/O is up to when their behaviour becomes secretive. Just like the last poster said, if you have a gut feeling something is not right and your S/O is being secretive or hiding something, you have every right to be concerned and express this concern. The fact that someone hide things like locking their cellphone, computer, or something of that nature just proves they are either up to no good, or don't care enough about the relationship to try to resolve any doubt of trust.

 

If you have nothing to hide, then there is no reason to go out of your way to protect anything you have. The only execption to this would be if somebody has proven over and over again that they are truly paranoid or have some serious issues.

 

IMO

[Island Girl]

She SAYS she loves you but she treats you as if you are a dirty little secret.

 

She says she knows you have trust issues yet:

 

1. She leaves the window open for all of her exes to contact her.

2. She closes up more of her life to you by password protecting her phone and computer.

 

You tell her the contact with the exes and them not knowing you are even around the picture let alone smack dab in the middle of it LIVING WITH HER bothers you but she doesn't do anything about it.

 

You are looking at a list of qualifications with checkmarks next to them but you are forgetting the ones in bold at the top that for you MUST be checked off "yes"

1. She is open and honest.

2. Rule number one ALWAYS applies.

 

Move out. You guys are never going to have what you wish for and you definitely are repeating a pattern of setting yourself up to be cheated on.

 

If you do not leave you will begin acting more desperate and clingy with each passing day. It will be like holding on tightly to an ice cube. The harder and more tight your grip the faster it melts - and then there is NOTHING.

[Rooster_DAR]

She SAYS she loves you but she treats you as if you are a dirty little secret.

 

She says she knows you have trust issues yet:

 

1. She leaves the window open for all of her exes to contact her.

2. She closes up more of her life to you by password protecting her phone and computer.

 

You tell her the contact with the exes and them not knowing you are even around the picture let alone smack dab in the middle of it LIVING WITH HER bothers you but she doesn't do anything about it.

 

You are looking at a list of qualifications with checkmarks next to them but you are forgetting the ones in bold at the top that for you MUST be checked off "yes"

1. She is open and honest.

2. Rule number one ALWAYS applies.

 

Move out. You guys are never going to have what you wish for and you definitely are repeating a pattern of setting yourself up to be cheated on.

 

If you do not leave you will begin acting more desperate and clingy with each passing day. It will be like holding on tightly to an ice cube. The harder and more tight your grip the faster it melts - and then there is NOTHING.

 

Ditto island girl, I could not have said it better myself!

[Island Girl]

By the way Tennman0204 -

 

One thing to really think about.

 

You have had 3 relationships including 2 marriages that have ended and which had a commonality of cheating, or likely behavior.

 

The only person present in all 3 of these relationships is you.

 

Something tells me you are seeking relationships with this type of woman for some reason still unknown to yourself.

 

If you do not find out what within you causes you to be attracted to this type of woman, you are doomed to repeat the same mistake.

[Tennman0204]

I just wanted to thank everybody for their posts. It really has helped me in what I'm about to spill. This past week with my gf and I has been nothing but hell. We've done nothing but argue the whole week and just when I try to think that everything is ok, she gets a dozen roses at her work from somebody. Anyway, she decided she wanted her space and asked if I could find someplace to rent.....BUT STILL DATE?! I told her if I move out, then it's the end of our relationship.

 

She couldn't understand for the life of her why I would end the relationship if I just had another place to live (so much more to the story...but I'll leave it at that). To make a long story short, I did move out and I did end the relationship. We both cried, but in the end I know it's the best for the both of us.

 

My question is this, why in the world would she cry and be sad over this? I saw her today and she looked like she's been crying all night. She's so tore up over it, she didn't even go into work! Why do I feel so bad even though everything she did to me was horrible? Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. Thanks again to everybody for all their posts. Take care!

 

Nate

[Bryanp]

She cried because she is the ultimate cake-eater. She likes to be adored and have lots of men on a string. She likes being in control. She enjoyed have a steady boyfriend and doing who knows what with other men. When you finally broke up with her she was no longer in control and the queen bee. She is a player who enjoys having a steady boyfriend and being close to other men. She has no clue what a relationship really means. Don't waste your time on a person like this because she will only continually hurt you. Good luck.

[Rooster_DAR]

I just wanted to thank everybody for their posts. It really has helped me in what I'm about to spill. This past week with my gf and I has been nothing but hell. We've done nothing but argue the whole week and just when I try to think that everything is ok, she gets a dozen roses at her work from somebody. Anyway, she decided she wanted her space and asked if I could find someplace to rent.....BUT STILL DATE?! I told her if I move out, then it's the end of our relationship.

 

She couldn't understand for the life of her why I would end the relationship if I just had another place to live (so much more to the story...but I'll leave it at that). To make a long story short, I did move out and I did end the relationship. We both cried, but in the end I know it's the best for the both of us.

 

My question is this, why in the world would she cry and be sad over this? I saw her today and she looked like she's been crying all night. She's so tore up over it, she didn't even go into work! Why do I feel so bad even though everything she did to me was horrible? Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. Thanks again to everybody for all their posts. Take care!

 

Nate

 

This is exactly what my G/F did when I left because of her dispostion. She was crying terribly, and sad too. I'm in the same boat as you, and my G/F wanted her cate and eat it too as well.

 

Regards,

[lovelorcet]

Another point to think aobut is that you moved in with someone only after knowing them for 6 months... Do you think that was a bit fast??

[BorrowedLove]

What I think is this. You should get your answer from the simple title of your post. "new relationship SAME PROBLEMS" If the same things are happening to you that happend in your previous relationships, then dont you think you will get the same outcome from this current relationship? She is password protecting her computer because she knows that you are probably gonna snoop in it because she knows that you have been cheated on before, and when you have suspicions of someone cheating you most likely snoop. She is hiding something. Something that she doesnt want you to know. Get the hell out of there and dont second guess it for a minute!