your thoughts appreciated

[Guest]

Hello there,

 

My husband and I have been having an awful time of late and it's coming to a head now. He, like a lot of stressed people, is like a bomb. He's been exploding in the most terrible way and I can't believe some of the BS that comes out of his mouth (I am the devil, I am nothing, I am an animal etc). All of it is (usually) totally blown out of proportion. Now - I am no angel but I have done my utmost to be a good wife and support him as best as I can.

 

Now - 2 nights ago we had a little fight. He and all of his friends were having dinner at our neighbours house. I was invited of course and he told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't want me there. I said OK and left him to it. yesterday when I was at work he phoned and I said (very calmly and carefully) "baby, that hurt me a little yesterday. i would have liked to have been a part of the dinner. i just wanted you to know how it made me feel".

 

He.Went.Beserk.

 

Over the course of the next 2 hours I received 4 terrible phonecalls from him (despite me repeatedly asking him in the past not to call and behave like that when I am at work). He told me to ring the agency and give notice on our apartment. I said "no. you do it if you want but i dont want to lose us and therefore you cannot expect me to make such a call". he said "i dont have the number". So i texted it to him (hoping i was calling his bluff). he didnt call the agency thank god. He called me later and said "i dont love you anymore and i want a divorce" (he has said this before). He then said "thats what you think anyway isn't it??". He is great at mind games and always manages to twist things around. I DO love him and i dont want a divorce.

 

Last night I stayed in a hotel - I couldn't face going home. He texted me at 2am "where are you". I responded an hour later "hotel". Total silence - he wasn't even concerned that at 2am I didnt message back (if it was me i would have been frantic with worry that something had happened to him).

 

I called him today to tell him that I am going to stay in the house and that if he wants to move he can move. He said "oh you are telling me this because you really want me to leave but you are not brave enough to say it. you have never called me like this before, your voice is different so i know it really must be finished for you". (usually I am in tears begging him to stay with me). I explained that i lost a lot of respect for him after yesterday and that I couldnt believe his reaction over something so small (me outlining my feelings). I told him again "i dont want you to leave but i am also not going to stop you anymore. everything is up to you". He said "fine, i will find somewhere to sleep tonight - i have no money blah blah but obviously you dont want me there blah blah". Its not that - i DO want him home. Indeed - i DO want him (as stupid as it may sound). He thinks I am banning him from the house despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not. And now I am wallowing in guilt and i feel really sorry for him.

 

I'm at work at the moment and my telephone keeps looking at me and asking me to call him and ask him to come home tonight. However, I really feel that I need to make a stand and break this cycle. if he wants to be with me then i want to start getting some respect.

 

What should I do? Remain silent and let him come to me? He is possibly the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life and I know that if I dont call him - he won't call me. even if he wants to.

 

Help! any advice from a woman sitting at her desk unable to concentrate on her job?

 

[FlyingHigh]

Why would you want a man who treats you with disrespect in front of his friends and neighbors?

 

When he did the "I don't love you anymore" speech...and not show any concern about you being gone is a guy who could very well be having an affair.

 

Don't even bother asking him if he is having an affair because the answer will be to deny it. Based on his temper, he'll go nuts.

 

So for starter, start looking for clues, but don't obsess with it:

 

If he's obsessed with his cellphone....leaves it in the car or turns it off at night....that's a sign.

 

If he says he'll do a quick errand but won't come back until hours later....that's a sign

 

If he all of a sudden changed his password to his email or cell phone account....that's a sign.

 

If he starts taking more time to get ready than he used to...it's probably a sign.

 

if he doesn't call you when you're gone to show concern....that's a sign.

 

The first clue was the "I don't love you anymore...speech...

 

Most importantly....you need to respect yourself. Once you do, you won't allow him or anyone to disrespect you the way he has.

[dgiirl]

yesterday when I was at work he phoned and I said (very calmly and carefully) "baby, that hurt me a little yesterday. i would have liked to have been a part of the dinner. i just wanted you to know how it made me feel".

 

lol Are you sure you said this calmy and carefully? Cos I know I wouldnt have!

 

Besides that, you obviously know all the reasons why you shouldnt be with him. You are quite aware of how he treats you and how disrespectful it is. And yet, you're feeling guilty? You've got this hollywood fantasy picture running through your head of the phone looking up at you saying to call him? I think you're all caught up in the drama and the fantasy of how you'd like things to end. Couple falls in love, then fights, dishes throwing all over the place, they break up, both miserable, finally they run into each other and man professes how life is nothing without her. So romantic on the big screen. Nothing like that in real life tho. You need to take a real hard look at yourself and ask you why you would settle for crumbs. He aint that romantic character on the big screen. He doesnt want to be around you so he treats you like crap. Why would you want to be with someone who does this to you? Who uses you only to make them feel better?

[Guest]

Thanks for your thoughts... yeah, I have thought about that greatly over the last 6 months. And to my fault, I did question him on it. He swears black and blue that there is no-one and "how can I even ask that question".

 

Funny thing is - I believe him (wishful thinking perhaps?) - even though he does all of what you list. He says he doesn't trust me which is why he is secretive with me now.

 

He says the reason why he doesn't trust me is I had him locked up in April. He beat me pretty badly and I called the Police who locked him up for the night. Now this is going to make you laugh - I immediately felt a huge wave of guilt and asked the officers to take me too. They refused, told me to go inside make a cup of tea and see him in the morning. They refused to take me. So I said "I know how I can go with him", officer said "how?" so i pushed the officer in the chest and as a result, was immediately arrested (result). I wanted to go through what my husband was going through as a way to try and appease him (as I knew what the fallout was going to be). I wanted to suffer with him if that makes sense. Absolutely pathetic I know. He is my drug and I don't know how to kick him. I sound very weak don't I? Normally no - with him,

 

Its been 5 hours since we spoke and he hasn't called. I am dreading going home - I dread to see him yet I dread him not coming home too (he probably won't).

 

I know how pathetic it all sounds. I want to get off this roundaboat but I don't know how to make it stop. I love him so much but I feel like i'm flogging this dead horse. I want to force him to make a decision once and for all and perhaps my silence can achieve that? I'm sike of pandering to him and begging for love and forgiveness.

 

I have no family here and only reasonably new friends.

 

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to write to me.

[FlyingHigh]

Guest,

 

Are you currently working full time with medical insurance? If you are, get some counseling----PRONTO!! The fact that you assaulted a cop so that you can join your abuser in jail to "share" the punishment is not something that any person with an ounce of sense would dare to inflict on him/herself.

 

Call your insurance for referral and usually you are entitled to five counseling and if your C feels you need more, s/he will request for more up to about 15 sessions total. Usually cost about $30 per visit.

 

You may be suffering from something deeper than anyone on this board is qualified to help you. I'm thinking along the line of depression and codependency.

 

Seriously----do this for yourself. If you think he's an addiction, only you can kick that habit. But you may need some pro help.

 

Good luck and don't do anything more stupid as that. No man is worth keeping. This guy is not capable of loving you the way you want and need to be loved. He's only in it for himself.

 

Take care of yourself. Keep us posted.

[Guest]

Hi DGiirl, thanks for your thoughts, as a lurker i've follwed your posts in the past and am grateful you took the time to respond...

 

i left my country for my husband and am 18,000 miles from my family.

i wish i did have a "hollywood" view on things - at least it would all seem a little more rosy . to be honest, while i thank you for your comments, you seem rather dismissive of my post - like how im somehow enjoying being caught up in all of this. yeah, its a ball here right now.

 

perhaps the reason for me being so caught up "in the drama" is because i dont want to walk away so easily on my marriage given the trek we have had to get here. i'll start by saying that everyone here has had and is having, the ride of their lives - this heartache is one of the biggest learning curves we will ever have and god willing most of us will benefit from it.

 

my husband is a proud muslim. we met in and subsequently stayed in his country for 3 years. in one almighty swoop overnight my life had changed forever. no i wasnt a covered woman but i adhered to the way of life. i learnt the language and did all i could to love this man - and he was wonderful.

 

he has a very good job and was one day offered the chance of a lifetime and so we came here - a country i am a citizen of (through parentage) but not born of. but thats ok (despite the distance between me and my blood) - i took a great paying job and started to mix back in with the more "westernised" way of life - im able to go out for drinks with my girlfriends after work, take in shows, etc - i effectually have become my old self again and more independant. and i am loving it.

 

2 years here and the cracks are everywhere. his job is uber stressful and the hours are long. we just cant seem to get it together. the big problems we face day to day (stereotypes, ignorance) dont seem to phase us but the tiniest of things set him off and it all kicks off

 

i went out for dinner tonight with friends. i have just come home (its 2am) and, as suspected in my earlier post - hes not here.

if i had to give myself advice it would be to leave - i am well aware of how pathetic i sound. i guess i have just used this place to vent - like an annonymous diary as it were. but as i am sure a lot of you know, its just not that easy to get out of a situation that you know is just so wrong.

 

but for you dgiirl, whilst i know your intentions are real - to suggest i am loving the whole fantasy side of it and that i dont understand "real world' is just plain offensive.

 

 

my heart goes out to all of you feeling unloved, unattractive and unwanted. whilst we can "whoop whoop" all we want and say "hey im gonna get through this" - there are times when its just so dark. its ok to wallow and feel like ****. at least it makes you appreciate the times you feel good.

 

mx

[FlyingHigh]

Hi DGiirl, thanks for your thoughts, as a lurker i've follwed your posts in the past and am grateful you took the time to respond...

 

i left my country for my husband and am 18,000 miles from my family.

i wish i did have a "hollywood" view on things - at least it would all seem a little more rosy . to be honest, while i thank you for your comments, you seem rather dismissive of my post - like how im somehow enjoying being caught up in all of this. yeah, its a ball here right now.

 

perhaps the reason for me being so caught up "in the drama" is because i dont want to walk away so easily on my marriage given the trek we have had to get here. i'll start by saying that everyone here has had and is having, the ride of their lives - this heartache is one of the biggest learning curves we will ever have and god willing most of us will benefit from it.

 

my husband is a proud muslim. we met in and subsequently stayed in his country for 3 years. in one almighty swoop overnight my life had changed forever. no i wasnt a covered woman but i adhered to the way of life. i learnt the language and did all i could to love this man - and he was wonderful.

 

he has a very good job and was one day offered the chance of a lifetime and so we came here - a country i am a citizen of (through parentage) but not born of. but thats ok (despite the distance between me and my blood) - i took a great paying job and started to mix back in with the more "westernised" way of life - im able to go out for drinks with my girlfriends after work, take in shows, etc - i effectually have become my old self again and more independant. and i am loving it.

 

2 years here and the cracks are everywhere. his job is uber stressful and the hours are long. we just cant seem to get it together. the big problems we face day to day (stereotypes, ignorance) dont seem to phase us but the tiniest of things set him off and it all kicks off

 

i went out for dinner tonight with friends. i have just come home (its 2am) and, as suspected in my earlier post - hes not here.

if i had to give myself advice it would be to leave - i am well aware of how pathetic i sound. i guess i have just used this place to vent - like an annonymous diary as it were. but as i am sure a lot of you know, its just not that easy to get out of a situation that you know is just so wrong.

 

but for you dgiirl, whilst i know your intentions are real - to suggest i am loving the whole fantasy side of it and that i dont understand "real world' is just plain offensive.

 

 

my heart goes out to all of you feeling unloved, unattractive and unwanted. whilst we can "whoop whoop" all we want and say "hey im gonna get through this" - there are times when its just so dark. its ok to wallow and feel like ****. at least it makes you appreciate the times you feel good.

 

mx

WOW! Guest...it really put things in perspective. I think I have a better understanding of the "why"s (a little) it's not so difficult to escape... having studied/worked and lived in Istanbul for a few months...

 

I guess the medical insurance won't work then...

 

Only you can decide what's best for you personally regardless of your background. You seem to have a little more appreciation of the "western" culture in that that women have an "equal" say on their behalf.

 

Keep in mind that whenever you post on public forum as this, you will receive all kinds of response based on individual's life, status, experience, political/religion/economic beliefs, etc.

 

Continue to use this forum to vent out. You will find many people who will give you sound advice and a pat in the back when you need. So don't be discouraged.

 

Remember, GROWTH IS OPTIONAL.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

growth is optional - me likes

 

its very true. i'm sure we all feel we could step outside of ourselves sometimes and give ourselves the proverbial kick up the jacksy.

 

i feel more resolved about our situation - i just feel so sad and its hard to start the long trek up the mountain. its awful deciding when enough is enough and i wish i could fast forward a few months.

 

i've put so much into my marriage and i hate feeling like its all come to nothing. what a waste. i'm very thankful though that we have no children involved. i cant imagine how terrible that must be. i guess you've got to find the positives where you can right?

 

thanks again

 

mx

[dgiirl]

Guest, I appologize for offending you, but I am only responding to the things you type. You have a very dramatic and creative flare to your words and thus I believe it is showing us a little into your current frame of mind.

 

The phone does not look up at you and ask you to call him. When you wrote this, I got a hollywood movie scene into my head. You pushed an officer so that you could be arrested with your husband. You talk about him being your "drug" and not knowing how to kick him. Again, all very dramatic descriptions.

You also tend to make light of these situations, thinking they are slightly funny. They are NOT funny at all, and are very very serious. You are in an abusive relationship. I know when we are in the most worst darkest places of our lives, the only thing we can do to keep a float is to look for the positives and make light of whatever we can. But at some point, we have to start swiming otherwise we'll drown. You need to stop making excuses for your husband. No matter HOW much stress he is going through, none of it ever justifies abuse. And maybe I'd be more compassionate towards your husband if he showed just a little bit of remorse of his actions and actually did something to remedy it, but from your own words, he has absolutely no remorse at all and it sounds like he doesnt even have a CLUE he did something wrong.

 

I know how much it hurts to realize that our marriage has failed. I know how it feels to have the strength and commitment to want to make your marriage work because you made a vow to yourself, your god, your family and friends. But you are in an abusive relationship. He makes you feel guilty about anything you want in this relationship. He beats you up, you defend yourself by calling the police and HE IS ANGRY??? Let's switch roles! You beat the **** out of your husband and he calls the police. Are you going to be angry with him? Are you going to think you had the right to beat him up and that he had no right to call the cops? Or would you think you got what you deserved and should be very thankful that's the LEAST that happen to you?

 

You are way too caught up in yourself and your own guilt to realize what is really going on in this situation. Put away your own guilt and look at the facts of your situation. Dont reminisce about the past. Dont fantasy what you want the future to be like. And dont make excuses for your husband. Do you have any kids? If this was happening to one of them or one of your closests friends or sisters, what would you tell them? If your advice is any different to them than what you are doing yourself, you have to ask yourself why? Why would you think of yourself less worthy than other people in life?

 

I know your situation isnt a bed of roses, so maybe you should stop colouring it that way. If this offends you, then maybe that's good. Maybe if it offends you enough you'll ask yourself why a complete stranger would say such things to you? What is she seeing about my situation that I'm not seeing? If you dont want to be seen as someone who's loving the situation, then do something about it. If this makes you angry, then good. Use that anger, be proactive and change your situation. No doubt it will not be easy. But the first step is to stand up for yourself and realize you dont need to take any crap from some stranger on the internet and you definitely dont need to take it from your husband.

[Lor]

to be honest, while i thank you for your comments, you seem rather dismissive of my post - like how im somehow enjoying being caught up in all of this. yeah, its a ball here right now.

 

No one is dismissive of your posts, but you do seem to be dismissive of the advice. Sorry to be critical but, yeah, you are a heck of a dramatic writer...very good actually--ever think of becoming an author? And I mean that seriously. You do show the flippant side to the whole thing....such as the fact that you got yourself arrested to be able to experience his pain. Aw, c'mon! Are you this melodramatic in life, too? Cripes, if my H had been the sh*t out of me and I had to call the cops, last thing I would have wanted to do was to go with him, except to make sure Bubba got his number.

 

my heart goes out to all of you feeling unloved, unattractive and unwanted. whilst we can "whoop whoop" all we want and say "hey im gonna get through this" - there are times when its just so dark. its ok to wallow and feel like ****. at least it makes you appreciate the times you feel good.

 

Yes, its very dark and most of us that whoop whoop it have been thru the dregs of hell and have managed to claw our way back to the surface, thru all the filth and slime coating everything we touch. And since we have reached the surface, come back into the light and found some measure of peace, we can tell others that they are going to get thru the darkness they are in. We know this because we too thought we'd never reach the top, and someone reached in and held out their hand.

 

Being Muslim I'm sure cannot be easy at this time in history and that does explain a lot as to your way of thought on the whole subject. While you say it doesn't bother him, the little comments, I'm betting it does and that it builds up with time. Add that to the stress of the job, long hours...he's a powder keg ready to explode. I realize that you have a different viewpoint on your M and that is fine. If you'd like to come on here and just vent, then please do so, but if you want solid advice, you're going to hear all about abusive relationships and people telling you to get out, whether you want to accept the advice or not is up to you.

[amaysngrace]

 

You may be suffering from something deeper than anyone on this board is qualified to help you. I'm thinking along the line of depression and codependency.

 

 

 

I'm thinking you may be a victim of stockholme syndrome. I agree, you really should see a qualified professional to help you make sense between what you are wishing it to be and what it actually is.

 

A very common occurrence in abuse, BTW.

[Guest]

Thanks DGiirl and others for your responses - I don't mean to sound ungrateful for your words, indeed, I am taking it all in. Perhaps I may come across as being melodramatic - probably because my life has been full of all the dramas coming from my husband over the last year or so I have found myself caught up in all of it. My husband has been mollycoddled his whole life and he ha a lot of growing up to do. I think I found myself drawn in to his childish "throwing toys out of pram" way of dealing with things. Methinks its time to "act like an adult" even though I don't feel like much of a one at the moment!

 

The truth hurts.

 

Today has been a reasonably better day. I feel sad, rather than panicked and am feeling more and more resigned with each passing hour. It's been 2 days since we have had any communication and rather than getting upset, I'm beginning to feel rather indigant about the whole thing. He is in a big sulk and I just don't think I have the time for it anymore.

 

I probably don't need to point this out, but my husband is/was not a terrible terrible man - afterall, we married these people, obviously there were strong reasons for that at the time. But as many of you will contest to, its like witnessing the slow death of someone you love. They fade away and you end up tied to a husk of the person they once were. It suddenly dawned on me that my husband is long gone.

 

I feel a bit surreal at the moment. I feel OK which is something I'm not used to - I truly hope its because of slow realisations dawning rather than me kidding myself and busying myself with work.

 

Anyway, thanks again - I truly appreciate it (and attempting to also accept it).

Love and respect to you all...

[Guest]

He makes you feel guilty about anything you want in this relationship. He beats you up, you defend yourself by calling the police and HE IS ANGRY??? Let's switch roles! You beat the **** out of your husband and he calls the police. Are you going to be angry with him? Are you going to think you had the right to beat him up and that he had no right to call the cops? Or would you think you got what you deserved and should be very thankful that's the LEAST that happen to you?

 

You know DGiirl, I have never thought of it like that and you are so so right. How is it fair? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander right? Our relationship is very one-sided and thats not a healthy thing. He swans about like he is this perfect creature. Says what he wants to me, does what he wants yet wobetide me behaving like that. He has this impressive way of justifying himself at every turn - and for a while there I believed him. I do love him but by putting up with his behaviour isn't helping our marriage it surely isn't helping HIM either right? He needs a few life lessons and by me standing up to him and saying "no more" just might help him along this track.

 

I don't want this relationship to continue (like this anyway).

[michelleryan]

Hello there,

 

My husband and I have been having an awful time of late and it's coming to a head now. He, like a lot of stressed people, is like a bomb. He's been exploding in the most terrible way and I can't believe some of the BS that comes out of his mouth (I am the devil, I am nothing, I am an animal etc). All of it is (usually) totally blown out of proportion. Now - I am no angel but I have done my utmost to be a good wife and support him as best as I can.

 

Now - 2 nights ago we had a little fight. He and all of his friends were having dinner at our neighbours house. I was invited of course and he told me in no uncertain terms that he didn't want me there. I said OK and left him to it. yesterday when I was at work he phoned and I said (very calmly and carefully) "baby, that hurt me a little yesterday. i would have liked to have been a part of the dinner. i just wanted you to know how it made me feel".

 

He.Went.Beserk.

 

Over the course of the next 2 hours I received 4 terrible phonecalls from him (despite me repeatedly asking him in the past not to call and behave like that when I am at work). He told me to ring the agency and give notice on our apartment. I said "no. you do it if you want but i dont want to lose us and therefore you cannot expect me to make such a call". he said "i dont have the number". So i texted it to him (hoping i was calling his bluff). he didnt call the agency thank god. He called me later and said "i dont love you anymore and i want a divorce" (he has said this before). He then said "thats what you think anyway isn't it??". He is great at mind games and always manages to twist things around. I DO love him and i dont want a divorce.

 

Last night I stayed in a hotel - I couldn't face going home. He texted me at 2am "where are you". I responded an hour later "hotel". Total silence - he wasn't even concerned that at 2am I didnt message back (if it was me i would have been frantic with worry that something had happened to him).

 

I called him today to tell him that I am going to stay in the house and that if he wants to move he can move. He said "oh you are telling me this because you really want me to leave but you are not brave enough to say it. you have never called me like this before, your voice is different so i know it really must be finished for you". (usually I am in tears begging him to stay with me). I explained that i lost a lot of respect for him after yesterday and that I couldnt believe his reaction over something so small (me outlining my feelings). I told him again "i dont want you to leave but i am also not going to stop you anymore. everything is up to you". He said "fine, i will find somewhere to sleep tonight - i have no money blah blah but obviously you dont want me there blah blah". Its not that - i DO want him home. Indeed - i DO want him (as stupid as it may sound). He thinks I am banning him from the house despite me repeatedly telling him that I am not. And now I am wallowing in guilt and i feel really sorry for him.

 

I'm at work at the moment and my telephone keeps looking at me and asking me to call him and ask him to come home tonight. However, I really feel that I need to make a stand and break this cycle. if he wants to be with me then i want to start getting some respect.

 

What should I do? Remain silent and let him come to me? He is possibly the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life and I know that if I dont call him - he won't call me. even if he wants to.

 

Help! any advice from a woman sitting at her desk unable to concentrate on her job?

 

Wow, that doesn't sound like the nicest situation. Honestly, you don't need to be with someone that manipulative that can't control their temper. If he says he wants a divorce, I'd be very cautious, because it might be just beyond the horizon.

[Guest]

Good morning

 

I rang him today and started yelling and screaming. Goddamit - it's a mistake. No matter how he's treated me, I shouldn't turn around and do the same back. I guess I am just hurting.

[FlyingHigh]

Good morning

 

I rang him today and started yelling and screaming. Goddamit - it's a mistake. No matter how he's treated me, I shouldn't turn around and do the same back. I guess I am just hurting.

What did you say and how did he respond?