So if a guy is

[PWSX3]

man do I ever see myself in this long thread.. I only wish I would have known all of this 5 years ago when things started going down hill ... and that my W would have seen this place before she decided to leave.. (or see it now) ... but she s computers.. so that'll never happen.. just like I don't believe she'll ever return.. after I treated her "like a queen" (so I thought).. I guess I've been wrong all along.. I wasn't meeting her emotinal needs.. and I guess she wasn't meeting mine.. because of me

Here is an example in my relationship. My W would plant a couple tomatoes plants in the back yard. She was doing it because she loved me and she knew I liked tomatoes even though she didn't like tomatoes.

I would see it as her wasting money because I would tell her; your wasting money because you will never take care of them and they will die.

Sure they will die because I didn't give her the support or confidence for her to take care of them, so they would die and the next year she tried it again and I told her the same & the same thing happened. Her giving gifts (such as the tomatoes) is not something I saw as her loving me so I didn't see it as her doing something for me. (Now I do)

 

I feel just because you do something for someone doesn't mean that they will notice it as being done out of love. (or maybe it was just me)

 

I also have to agree with a4a and I never met the emotinal needs of the W. Now that I look back I can tell when she was happy because she would talk up a storm and that included just driving up to the mountains together.

 

I think for woman just talking one on one is very important even if it's just about things that have happened during the day.

[ilmw]

 

I think for woman just talking one on one is very important even if it's just about things that have happened during the day.

 

Yup I agree to this as well... I too had no idea how important it was for my DW to just talk to me... It was natural in the begining... but I had no clue how much she... and apparently women... need this... just to be listened to instead of talked to and have their problems fixed at that moment.... the act of listening FOR HER... was alien to me.... geeesh:o ... I have learnt allot... and am still learning...

[a4a]

I learned to look outside myself for once.... and see how I effect others... and appartently I did effect others.. other than my wife too... huge reality check:confused: !

 

Well my H is on the brink of learning that. His job went down the crapper for this very reason..... said he was going to be there but did not show up on time...... but I have yet to figure out why he does this.

 

For Valentines day said he made plans..... did not show up until 8:30 at night, I ate mini wheats for valentines, he picked up flowers and a card at the last minute on the way home. "because if I did not get something I knew you would be upset".

 

My b-day he said he was planning on getting me some diamond earrings... but something came up so he did not.

 

For our Anniversary we were supposed to have dinner at our favorite restaurant his idea, his offer...... something came up..... so no dinner out.

 

So for X-mas this year I said I would like a tree....... I really don't think there will be one unless I just go get it by myself. He knows how much I love Halloween...... I don't think any quality time will be spent on that day either.

 

Now before you say it is because he is stuck at work...... no not true. He can certainly take off when his dog broke her leg to meet me at the vets office to decide what treatment to provide her. Money..... no, he can afford to buy his race tickets........ and buy them months in advance. (planning on his part)

 

I tell ya that does hurt. It really really does. It screams "I don't care about you" loud and clear. I am giving him a chance to learn and make things right.

His choice.

 

I hope maybe others can avoid this by seeing how much these types of actions or non actions really do hurt others......not just spouses or partners but even your friends and family.

[ilmw]

Well my H is on the brink of learning that. His job went down the crapper for this very reason..... said he was going to be there but did not show up on time...... but I have yet to figure out why he does this.

 

Your H sounds just like I have been.... very similar... in what he has/has not done.... I for the longest time had no idea why I acted this way... I always regreted it after the fact.... always!

 

Your huband might be going through something inside... his head... I did/was..... I had no clue what was wrong with me... Turns out I had way more issues than I ever thought I had... I actually thought I had none... Now that I have recoginised that... I am not perfect... and that we all have our issues.... they don't bother me anymore... Also... cause of these issues... the stress of my job got to me... because "The issues" weakened me... and my ability to cope.. that compiled with the daily stress of married life.. bills... kids...etc... I became lost in my "cave" It all sounds like a pile of crap... and looking back on what I have just written ... to an outsider... it would like a cop out.... but that is what happened to me....

 

It may be happening to yur hubby? Like I said... he may not even realise he is going through something....?

[Mz. Pixie]

It's so totally not about money to me either.

 

I'm content with a sweet text message on my phone or a note left on the mirror at home.

 

Some people's love language is gifts. Mine is affection and the expression of that.

[a4a]

Your H sounds just like I have been.... very similar... in what he has/has not done.... I for the longest time had no idea why I acted this way... I always regreted it after the fact.... always!

 

Your huband might be going through something inside... his head... I did/was..... I had no clue what was wrong with me... Turns out I had way more issues than I ever thought I had... I actually thought I had none... Now that I have recoginised that... I am not perfect... and that we all have our issues.... they don't bother me anymore... Also... cause of these issues... the stress of my job got to me... because "The issues" weakened me... and my ability to cope.. that compiled with the daily stress of married life.. bills... kids...etc... I became lost in my "cave" It all sounds like a pile of crap... and looking back on what I have just written ... to an outsider... it would like a cop out.... but that is what happened to me....

 

It may be happening to yur hubby? Like I said... he may not even realise he is going through something....?

 

Yeppers he was or is going through something but he refused to address it for months. That is when the Fork came out. Maybe a little here or there at first. But it is a pitch fork at this point and if that is what it takes to help him, me, and us......... I will stab him in the head with that damn fork multiple times! I cannot force him to address it though in the end. I can clearly show him the consquences if he does not and attempt to support him without enabling him during this time. That is what I am doing.

 

Now I believe I will go out side and play with my new little hairy white ass that is braying like a Donkeyzilla.

 

Thanks ilmw....

[Gunny376]

Your typical woman uses 4000 to 5000 words per day compared to your typical man who only uses 2000 to 3000. A good book on this You Just Don't Understand ~ Genderspeak.

 

Another good example is one the ads for the new Volvo commerical, where this guy is picking up his daughter, and she's she's little thing, but just talking a milie a minute non-stop.

 

Of course there are excpetions and the only absolute when it comes to making genralizations about individuals is that there are no absolutes.

 

A4A ~ you're husband is a procrastinator just that plain and simple.

 

Couple of things I use to preach to my Marines

 

The Six "P's" Proper Prior Planning Prevent Poor Performance!

 

Procrastnation is like masturbation ~ sooner or latter you realize you're just screwing yourself!

[ilmw]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: ...nice one Gunny!!!

[a4a]

well how do you break a procrastinator?

 

Although I think it goes deeper than that. He had zero relationship role models when growing up either.

 

Just friggin shoot me! This is far too frustrating to continue with

[ilmw]

well how do you break a procrastinator?

 

Although I think it goes deeper than that. He had zero relationship role models when growing up either.

 

Just friggin shoot me! This is far too frustrating to continue with

 

The thing is... if he does not see something is wrong... he may not think there is something wrong....

 

All I can say is... sit him down.... (maybe you have) but keep on him... maybe you can get through to him... (once again sorry.. but I dont know if you have done all this..already)...

 

I just hate to see another marriage break down... cause one party was ignorant to the damage they are unknowinly doing to their marriage...

 

Best of luck.... and I mean that for the both of you:)

[Gunny376]

well how do you break a procrastinator?

 

Although I think it goes deeper than that. He had zero relationship role models when growing up either.

 

Just friggin shoot me! This is far too frustrating to continue with

 

 

I'm headed out the door to work ~ so I post some ideas when I get home and off work.

 

But for now ~ when the teacher called Daddy and told him I was a procrastinator. Daddy told her, "Well, Ma'am! I don't know what that is, but you just send his little azz on to the house ~ and I promise you he won't be one come Monday morning!"

 

And I promise you ~ come Monday morning I wasn't! I also could hardly sit down!

[Gunny376]

Procrastination isn't a deadly illness that can't be overcome, We all can fall to it from time to time.

 

To be honest with you A4A, you came across wrong to me, but now I'm starting to see what your beef is.

 

Some of us men had good role models, and some of us didn't. You've stated that your DH didn't, I believe that is more often the case than not. Therefore while some women are lucky to find a good man and husband straight out the gate ~ most have to go out and find the raw materials of one. You've got to get rid of all that societial and cultural fallacies about what a man really is and is suppose to be, and how he is suppose to act, and feel, and get down to the core of who and what he is as a human being. Then you've got to get rid of al the crap his Mom and Dad ~ as if most of them ever had a clue. In short you've got to break him down and re-build them from the ground up. Men see themselves as the great husbands they have the potential to be while women see them for the great husbands they aren't. With that said, most of us didn't have a clue until the wife hits the door handing us our hearts and ass as we walk out the door. Standing there like little boy with our pants down around our knees, and that look on our face, saying "What? What did I do?"

 

Most men think, speak and listen from the minds, while most women think, speak, and listen from their hearts. I suggest that part of what is going on is your speaking and he's not hearing you ( I didn't say he wasn't listening ~ just that the transmitted message isn't getting through)

 

Part of your frustration, IMHO comes from what issues your trying to address are intuative to you ~ but they're not to him. To you ~ its just plain old common sense ~ while to him ~ well he doesn't have a clue. He sounds as though he's trying to get on board, but the train left that station and he's running behind it trying to catch up.

[Mz. Pixie]

I just started reading "For Women Only- what every woman should know about men" by Shaunti Feldhahn.

 

It's interesting- and very insightful. Explains alot and I'm only through the first several questions.

[Flyin in Clouds]

who is bashing men at all??

 

Uh, did you not say "Men are retards"? and isn't your favorite past time sticking a fork in a certain guys head? May the fork be with you...

 

Actually the poster was bashing the hell out of me...... look at the underlined personal digs throughtout the post.......

I'm sorry you take it that way cause they weren't meant that way. I was trying to get you to see that maybe, just maybe, there was another point of view than yours.

 

How could you miss that in all my posts that not all women or men are alike?

Depends on what you mean by "alike". Of course all men and women ARE alike. We all bleed red. We all have blood. We all have a heart that pumps the blood. We are all human and have human needs, including emotional and sexual needs.

 

And honestly people leave people because just like in my case my needs were not being met. They may not communicate them, they may grow apart or change their needs... but if everything was done most people would not just pack up and leave for some vague reason. Or just because they got the urge to move out that day.

So if a woman no longer is willing or able to meet her husband's sexual needs he should dump her for a younger, sexier, woman.

 

In other words any need not being met is a reason to either cheat or divorce.

 

If my wife doesn't put the cap back on the toothpase that would be a reason to pack my bags and leave. If she brought me flowers, when what I want is sex, that's a reason to be unhappy and leave.

 

And maybe you were busting your nuts, but maybe, just maybe you were busting your nuts trying to fulfill the wrong need? Are you sure you were treating your wife in a manner in which she needed or desired?

Some people are damn near impossible to satisfy. They're never happy no matter what one does. As my friend said, "he put his wife on a pedistal and all she did was use it as a platform to spit down on him".

 

Advice to men: Avoid women like the plauge that demand you put them on a pedistal.

 

There is no possible way any person is so perfect that they can say "I did everything right, and he/she still left me". Nobody would want to leave a person that was so damn perfect and able to fulfill their needs.

What on earth gave people the idea that marriage is about fulfilling all their needs? The divorce rate is above 50% because we have a bunch of spoiled brats that say "me first, my needs must be fulfilled or you partner are not doing your job..." A guy cheats on his wife because she isn't fulfulling his needs or vice versa. How childish.

 

My friend with his wife on the pedistal, had to work 60 - 80 hours in a high stress job so he could provide the big house, a boat, vacations in Tahiti, 3 kids in private school ($12k, per kid per year), and lots of expensive jewlery for her, her ring had to be a huge rock of course, and then he was the bad guy because he was never around. When you work 80 hours and travel how could he be? She would treat him like dirt, in public, in front of our mutal friends, saying nasty things about him. Our families vacationed together. The monday after we returned from renting a cabin in the mountains I asked him why he put up with the abuse. He simply said he loved her. I never asked again. But 10 years later, after continual abuse, he had an affair. Then several. Their story is a long and sad one, but probably not all that atypical.

 

And a4a, this is not bashing you. It is what I see looking from the outside. From your posts, IMO elements in your personality are similar to my friend's wife. ex-wife. I am not saying you are the same, as in identical. But you were both "demanding" if I can say it that way.

 

I think it is great if partners can communicate honestly and come to a compromise that satisifies their needs as much as possible. Fulfilling each others hopes and dreams and wildest fantasies. But beware of demanding too much, of insisting that you get your way as much as you think you deserve.

 

unless the person is afflicted with some severe mental issues they would not just pack up and boogey out the door without a reason.

Not true. They may just have gown tired of the same old routine. A man might leave because he just wants someone different. Eating fiet mingon every night ... gets boring. Variety is the spice of life. Why would it be any different with sex?

 

Being a good person and not drinking, gambling, yada yada ya ........ is not enough to fill the needs of every women or man on earth in a R. If one believe it is they are mistaken. IMHO.

OK, but what if (please don't tell me your H wouldn't. This is a hypothetical question) your H where to fulfill all your "planning" needs (and whatever else you need beyond grocery store flowers to demonstrate he really loved you), but he had a desire to, on occasion, sleep with Sally down the street. Deal breaker I'm sure. But see you can ignore his need for a litle variety with his women but his asking you to give up your needs for elaborately planned birthdays... well, you can't be expected to give up your needs... Men giving up their desire (need?) to have sex with different women is just expected.

 

I got an odd feeling that hurtful angry feelings are being projected onto me because perhaps I hit a hot button in some part of R's where the wife left for unknown reasons? I am being serious about this......stop and think about it for a minute.

This isn't about you per se. But then it's all about you isn't it. The whole world I mean. All I get from you a4a is "me, me, me". That is the similarity you share with my friend's ex-wife.

 

When you start using more "us, we, our" in your posts than "I, me, mine" then I think there will be real hope for your R. Otherwise I think you are headed down the same path my friends were. And that ended badly.

 

Mine which are not the generalized needs of most women, I see now, so perhaps more difficult to decipher for him or to understand even if clearly communicated.

I don't think your basic need for love and appreication is any different from any other woman's (or man's). HOW you want those needs met is what is different. Some women want flowers, you want planning.

 

And you want your H to speak your love language. But you are guilty of not understanding his love language. Isn't that true? It seems to me you are stone deaf to how he says he loves you. Don't you need to understand each other?

 

When he brings you store bought flowers, instead of being disgusted because it wasn't your "langague" maybe you could ask him what he meant. Maybe his answer would be, I brought you flowers to say I love you, appreciate you, wanted to brighten your day, and I was trying to get into your pants.

 

Maybe many people just cannot understand their spouses needs are different than what they think they are or should be?

Looked in a mirror lately? Maybe your H needs someone that isn't so in need of "planning".

 

All girls like perfume and flowers........no this one like gadgets and building things.

Maybe he can get you a "fork" gun for xmas. That would make it easier to stick those forks in his head.

[a4a]

Uh, did you not say "Men are retards"?

 

.

 

 

I am starting to wonder if that statement is true? At least in this case.

 

Quit the bitter nastiness and reread my why I said men are retards.... because you stated women are bytches....yeppers ya did. Except mine was stated to only make a point, certainly not because I think that. Well there are a few men that are indeed moronic indeed. So find a new statement to get your man panties in a bunch over and please stop this personal attack crap...... not what the thread is about.

 

Again sorry- did not read your whole post....... too much uesless babbling for me.

 

I am starting to wonder if you are not a reg. poster with a new name? hummm.

[a4a]

I'm headed out the door to work ~ so I post some ideas when I get home and off work.

 

But for now ~ when the teacher called Daddy and told him I was a procrastinator. Daddy told her, "Well, Ma'am! I don't know what that is, but you just send his little azz on to the house ~ and I promise you he won't be one come Monday morning!"

 

And I promise you ~ come Monday morning I wasn't! I also could hardly sit down!

 

Are you suggesting a spanking? He may find this as a reward tho! Just kiddin'.

 

He knows he is only hurting himself in the long run and says " I don't know why I do that" ...... ehhh. Like I said things are indeed getting better.

[a4a]

You've got to get rid of all that societial and cultural fallacies about what a man really is and is suppose to be, and how he is suppose to act, and feel, and get down to the core of who and what he is as a human being.

 

He is an awesome human being and that is what so impressed and attracted me to him. Kind, caring,...... we just are not speaking the same language..... but WE BOTH are learning how to. He is so very different from the many other men I personally know. I am so thankful of that......and of course if he weren't I never would have married him.

 

Then you've got to get rid of al the crap his Mom and Dad ~ as if most of them ever had a clue.

 

His mother died when he was a boy so never saw the roles of marriage......so in a way I guess I am kinda lucky he did not have bad role models. Just none.

So he never really saw Dad take mom out, or mom and dad argue,...... his father was damn near a saint though. Raised those kids right and on his own. I can certainly see where my H gets his good traits from indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

while to him ~ well he doesn't have a clue. He sounds as though he's trying to get on board, but the train left that station and he's running behind it trying to catch up.

True he had no clue..... not his fault but only becomes his fault if he chooses to ignore it or allows it to get to the point where it cannot be remedied..........it seems he can indeed run pretty damn fast!

[Flyin in Clouds]

..We owe ouselves happiness but to achieve it, do we not have to take responsibility for ourselves too and not blame the other for not providing it.

 

Are we not supposed to compliment each other, NOT be responsible for each other.....

 

CC

 

When my wife decided we could just be celibate without telling me she was going off the pill, and thus feared getting pregnant, I thought, when she rejected my advances, what she was telling me was she didn't love me any more, didn't need me, didn't want me. Rather depressing. She didn't explain why. She just stopped. And that left me feeling ... rejected. Which made me colder to her, which made her feel like I didn't love her anymore either and made her less inclined to have sex because it was only for satisfying my own "needs" and not hers and ... so things spiraled down.

 

She wasn't fulfilling my needs, not just sex, but having sex with the woman I loved as an expression of love for each other. I need someone to love. She was denying me that. And I didn't understand why. We had stopped communicating except on the roommate level. And that's what we were becoming - roommates - without benefits.

 

After suicidal thoughts because I thought I'd lost the love of my life, that I had blown it so badly that she no longer wanted me... I decide I had to "take responsibility" for not only my own happiness, but hers and our relationship. So we had long talks about what was going on, why she was had stopped wanting sex, why my desires weren't just about me but us.

 

So I disagree. While we complement each other, we both have to be responsible not only for our own happiness, but for each others happiness. My own happiness certainly isn't more important than my wife's. If anything hers is more important to me than my own. And I hope she feels the same way. But sometimes I think she doesn't much care about some of my needs or the way I wish to express my love for her and I'm probably not meeting all her needs either. So we have to keep working on it. I guess I take the attitude that failure is not an option and that means if I have to be responsible for both of us then so be it. Whatever it takes. If she drops the ball I have to pick it up. If I drop the ball I hope she picks it up. It is caring about each other that matters. If I know that my wife isn't happy, I have a responsibilty to do something about it, for her sake and mine. Likewise if I'm not happy I have a reponsibilty to do something about it, for her sake and mine. Ultimately our relationship isn't about my happines by itself, or her happiness by itself, but our happiness together.

 

I guess one could also look at it that I am very selfish or just satisfying my own needs because I have a big need to have a successful relationship and that family is very important to me. If I can't bring happiness to my wife then I'm a failure. And that is depressing. And sure I'd like her to fulfill my needs, but if I can't do it for her, well that means one of my needs doesn't get fulfilled. Unlike a4a that can do without a mate, I can't. Living without my wife would be really depressing. I don't think life would be worth living. I would "survive" but like a man living alone on an island such a life would hardly be worth living. There would be no one to love.

 

I don't think a marriage should be about what I need and what my wife needs, but focused on what we need - together, not as two individuals that happen to bump into each other in the night. I won't get all my needs met, my wife won't get all of hers met, but I hope we can meet enough of our needs to be happy.

[PWSX3]

Someone told me a good one today;

 

A HAPPY WIFE is a HAPPY LIFE!!!!

 

Now is that true or not is another question but I thought it was cute!

[Flyin in Clouds]

... But I don't need a man either I choose to have a man in my life, I can be content without one. ... I always want to do more. Because he is important to me.

 

But not so important that you just can't live without him. So just how important is he? I'm not bashing you, just trying to understand how you view this. he's important but not that important.

 

In return I would like the same treatment or partial return in a manner that also enhances my life. Which in turn makes me want to give him more.

We'd all like that. But if it's not reciprocal? How much of your perception that your H doesn't really love you is based on your own POV rahter than his true feelings for you? in other words is your POV reality or is it biased by your own feelings, needs, expectations, past hurts, etc? He doesn't express it the way you'd like, but does that mean he really doesn't care? Are you mis-reading him? He really might not care, but I doubt that is the case.

[a4a]

Unlike a4a that can do without a mate, I can't. Living without my wife would be really depressing. I don't think life would be worth living. I would "survive" but like a man living alone on an island such a life would hardly be worth living. There would be no one to love.

 

yes ending up alone would hurt and be painful for awhile but you too will actually get over it. You make a choice if and when this happens to either be happy or dwell on the pain and hurt. You choose to move on and live your own life to the fullest. (kinda like the Amish in the news chose to forgive the shooter and embrace the the shooters family.......what good would holding onto all the hate and pain serve in the long run?)

 

I don't think a marriage should be about what I need and what my wife needs, but focused on what we need - together, not as two individuals that happen to bump into each other in the night. I won't get all my needs met, my wife won't get all of hers met, but I hope we can meet enough of our needs to be happy.

 

I agree........nobody has the right to expect another person to jump through hoops but they do need to hit the mark every now and again. Some needs must be met to maintain a M.

[a4a]

But not so important that you just can't live without him. So just how important is he? I'm not bashing you, just trying to understand how you view this. he's important but not that important.

 

Of course I can live without him. In my hopes and heart I would so hate to be without him, reality of course I can live without him, and he can live without me. Perhaps some people deal with loss or have had more experience with loss and the past experience of it allows you to know that I got over it before and I will again? Most likely one of us will die before the other. I would hope that he could be happy and could live without me. Just because you know that you will go on does not make you care less for a person.

 

We'd all like that. But if it's not reciprocal? How much of your perception that your H doesn't really love you is based on your own POV rahter than his true feelings for you? in other words is your POV reality or is it biased by your own feelings, needs, expectations, past hurts, etc? He doesn't express it the way you'd like, but does that mean he really doesn't care? Are you mis-reading him? He really might not care, but I doubt that is the case.

 

Of course he loves me. But not in the manner I NEED HIM TO.

Now he may come home and feed the horses. But to me that is not a matter of showing his love, that is a matter of doing what needs to be done. But in his mind, yes he may be thinking...... I will feed the horses so she doesn't have to because I love her.

 

Different ideas of how to show a person that they do matter.

 

Like a husband that so wants a wife to make love to him but she just does not think it is all that important in her mnd....... but to the H it would mean the world.

 

Or like my H actually spending quality time with me (not working on a project together)..... and doing so willingly now that he is indeed aware that it is so important to me.

 

I have already hashed this out with him, actually communicated it to him since FEB...... but he just was not getting it. He still believed because he liked or would like to be shown in a certain way that I would also like his way.

 

He did say reading about it from a third party did make the difference. Because he did feel like a failure when it came from me. But he did refuse to see the light until I threatened him with a divorce in the end.

 

He is the kind of man that his father never had to raise a hand to even as a boy. His father could simply say "son you have disappointed me" and that was enough to change his behavior..... my H is really an amazing person in so many respects.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

 

This whole attack on a4a started because she stated that for her, just because you are a good citizen, dont cheat, dont abuse, dont drink, and pay the bills, doesnt mean you will automatically have a successful happy marriage. These ARE basic things for her to even contemplate having a relationship with someone (regardless of gender), and I tend to agree.

 

Why when anyone differs with someone do they go into defense mode and assume it's an "attack".

 

So a man giving up the single life, - having lots of women, doesn't count for anything. No points for that. Earning a decent living isn't something to be appreciated it is just expected. and that is exactly why a lot of men feel used. They are just a walking paycheck and nothing more. Not in a4a's case. She's independent.

 

Yes, one can be appreciative of their spouse because they do work hard, but if they are not spending _any_ time with their spouse, how can you have a relationship? We each have a variety of needs that we want to be met. And just because you meet ONE of those needs really really well, doesnt mean you meet all of the needs.

OK, fine. Suppose your H one day says, I'm not working anymore, we'll have to live in a trailer but I'll meet all your other needs for companionship, etc. I'm just not going to be a paycheck anymore, or be sober... meeting the wife's need for a sober, faithful, paycheck husband aren't going to be met.

 

OK, that isn't quit saying what I want. Let me put it this way. You can't have all your needs met. You can only choose which one's your husband will meet. So what's more important? Faithfulness? Sobriety? Attentiveness? Planning (a4a)? Big Bucks? And what weight to you put on money (big house, european vacations, expensive jewlery), time spent together, sex of any kind, family, kids, pets, hobbies, drinking wine (my wife's big on that one... if she had to choose between me or wine I think I'd loose...) ... what are the priorities...

 

 

... For men, if your wife was a very good housewife, did all the chores and kept the house spotless, that might meet one of your needs, but then she wont sleep with you.

I don't care about any of that housewife stuff. I'll hire a maid for that. In fact I'm perfectly happy if the house is messy. But no sex... now, that's a problem.

 

But here's the thing. I like to hike. I want to hike to the top of Mt. Whitney. I want her to come with me. Because I want to share that experience with someone - in particular her. I also want to make love to her on top fo the world so to speak. But she isn't into hiking.

 

She's not willing to meet my need. Should I rent a subsitute wife for the hike?

 

 

... You might have an amazing sex life, but then she spends all your money and keeps the house filthy. ...

Sounds great to me...

 

I think some of the men on here are attacking a4a simply because they dont want to take any personal responsibility. It's easier to point blame at the person who walked and play victim.

How many walk without doing everything they can to resolve the conflicts?

 

As I see it, far to many (both spouses) are too focused on themselves and the relationship is not the top priority. And it's just far easier to walk away than to do the hard work to fix the relationship.

 

The problem is that some women demand it all. The big house and lots of attention. And sometimes that is simply impossible.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

I need you to make me feel like you want me. I need you to show me in a manner in which I understand. ...

 

And his coming home and sleeping with you every night, instead of staying at Sally's down the road, doesn't make you feel he wants you? OK...

 

It is now your choice to decide if you want to make our marriage work or not.

And how will you react if someday he says something similar to you? Will you be angry? Or will you accept what he says?

 

.....he was clueless and me beating around the bush with diplomacy did not get through to him.

Can you state what you want without a fork in your hand?

 

If your wife said that to you what would you say....... I already do enough for you?

no, I'd say "Well honey I've only got 24 hours in a day and we need money and a roof over our head, and you like travelling and ... so you want me to spend less time working and more with you? What are you willing to give up, because I can't do everything. I've only got enough time to pick up flowers at the grocery store and if you want me to spend more time ... well I have to cut back some place else. What is it you really want dear?

 

Oh, and BTW, why don't you ever meet me at the door when I come home in thigh high stockings, a sexy teddy, with a martini for me in your hand? hmmm? "

[Flyin in Clouds]

I'm not the stick a fork female on this post, that's A.

 

I now that, but it's becoming a common aphorism.

 

There's a big difference between honesty and just being arrogant and mean to your partner- such as what you're stating above.

Isn't denying a sexual experience to a parnter being mean? It is a serious question. A woman on another forum said she wanted to try it but her husband didn't so she decided she had to go outside her marriage for that. Was she wrong? And how is it being mean and arrogant to discuss that? Of course I didn't put it to my wife in those terms. But that's the choice isn't it? If she doesn't want to "meet one of my needs - one of my sexual needs", is if fair for a woman to say no, and her husband is then expected to go without? If so, then it is just as reasonable for a man to totally ignore his wife's needs, never be inimate with her if he chooses not to and to expect her to not have sex with anyone else.

 

The point is how to you resolve such a problem? He (or she) wants something, she (or he) doesn't want to give? What are the choices? Divorce? Cheat? Go without? Bullet to the head? What?

 

My husband and I communicated our sexual desires and wishes to each other before marriage. But if he came up with something new he'd like to try I would do my best to meet that need. He'd already done the threesome thing before and he has no need to do it again (his words not mine)

But what if you want one, and he doesn't. How do you resolve it when your desires are in conflict.

 

But yeah, I expect him to be honest with me.

But if he knows something is going to tick you off should he be honest?

"Honey does this dress make me look fat"? Come on, how can I guy answer that honestly if the answe is yes and not get clobbered?

 

Yes, couples should be honest. But what if my wife knows telling me something would hurt me terribly. Should she keep it from me? Would it be better to save my feelings and spare me the pain?

 

And you know, you were right when you said that the dating stuff is alot of hard work- but so is marriage!!! Each partner needs to keep up some effort to keep the other interested. Do you not agree?

Yes. But my wife doesn't. She thinks that because we are married we shouldn't have to do all that work. We should just be comfortable with each other and secure knowing, because we are married, that she loves me, without having to try to seduce me. I'd like a little seduction now and agian. But 32 years into the marriage it's kind of like old comfortable shoes.