confused about why he does this to me

[pitlover]

I have been seeing this guy for 3 months now and a couple of weeks ago I told him that I cared about him the first words out of his mouth were you knew I did'nt want a girlfriend.I never asked him to be, but that is not the point. So we get into this huge fight and he says its cause he has been hurt in the past and thats why. This does not make sense to me. He calls me everynight and even comes and stays the night at my house every weekend. Were really good friends, but at the same time I'am not looking for him to be my friend and he knows this, but still he comes around. After the huge fight he apologized to me and told me he likes me, but had to remind me once again he don't want a relationship. So I told him well stop using me then for sex if all we are going to be is friends and he said that he was never using me and if I think that then we'll stop. My question is he ever gonna wanna be my boyfriend or is he gonna continue to drag this out and end up with someone else in the long run ?? Cause I think if he knew how I felt and he did not feel the same way he should just leave me alone.

[Rachel]

There are several things that are soooo similar to my relationship that ended a year ago, and here are some things I learned from it:

 

1. Listen to what a guy is saying, in other words if he is saying he does NOT want a girlfriend, or does NOT want a relationship, then he doesn't....

 

Most women, we fool ourselves, because the relationship is good in so many other ways, into thinking that he will change his mind. Listen, he's telling you already he is NOT interested in a girlfriend....

 

2. Waiting will not change his mind. Eventually YOU will be tired of waiting, after one two or three years and then the relationship will start going downhill.

 

3. What are you needs?

 

Don't you think you deserve to have your love reciprocated?

 

We are all human beings and when we say to someone we love them or we care about them, it is absolutel natural to want to hear that back..... think about it.

 

4. This man consciously or sub-consciously is using you. And friends don't have sex with friends.... now he is GUILTING you into saying I will stop having sex with you if you think I am using you.

 

Don't fall for that BS.

 

YOu deserve better, much better.

 

And ending a three month relationship is a L-O-T easier than ending a 1 year or two year relationship. Trust me, Been there.

 

 

 

I have been seeing this guy for 3 months now and a couple of weeks ago I told him that I cared about him the first words out of his mouth were you knew I did'nt want a girlfriend.I never asked him to be, but that is not the point. So we get into this huge fight and he says its cause he has been hurt in the past and thats why. This does not make sense to me. He calls me everynight and even comes and stays the night at my house every weekend. Were really good friends, but at the same time I'am not looking for him to be my friend and he knows this, but still he comes around. After the huge fight he apologized to me and told me he likes me, but had to remind me once again he don't want a relationship. So I told him well stop using me then for sex if all we are going to be is friends and he said that he was never using me and if I think that then we'll stop. My question is he ever gonna wanna be my boyfriend or is he gonna continue to drag this out and end up with someone else in the long run ?? Cause I think if he knew how I felt and he did not feel the same way he should just leave me alone.

[clia]

You say...

 

"I'm not looking for him to be my friend and he knows this but he still comes around." and "Cause I think if he knew how I felt and he did not feel the same way he should just leave me alone."

 

It would be great if the world worked this way, but it doesn't. Of course he continues to come around. He probably likes hanging out with you, talking to you, and sleeping with you. You guys probably have a great time together and are great friends.

 

However, the bottom line is that he doesn't want a relationship. BOTH of you know this. Yet, you continue to stay around as well. I agree with what Rachel said that as women, I think we sometimes tend to get deluded and think that if a guy is hanging out with us that he really does like us and eventually those feelings will change. It's not all his responsibility to leave. Heck, he's getting exactly what he wants right now: a little companionship and a little sex. Why would he leave?

 

You are the one who ISN'T getting what you want, so YOU need to walk away. You have complete control over this. It's not all up to him.

 

You also say, "He had to remind me once again he doesn't want a relationship." and "I told him to stop using me for sex."

 

This guy has told you numerous times that he doesn't want a relationship. You know he doesn't want a relationship. Therefore, I don't see how he could be using you for sex when you are an active participant in the sex, despite knowing how he feels. The problem here is that you are having the sex and getting emotionally invested and starting to really care for him, and he doesn't feel the same way.

 

I think guys decide rather quickly whether or not a girl is "relationship worthy." Oftentimes the words "I don't want a relationship" mean "I don't want a relationship with you."

 

If after three months, spending all this time together, etc., this guy still says he doesn't want a relationship with you, he likely doesn't. And chances are, his feelings in this area won't change. You should probably try to find someone who wants the same thing as you do and walk away from this situation before you get hurt.

 

I have been seeing this guy for 3 months now and a couple of weeks ago I told him that I cared about him the first words out of his mouth were you knew I did'nt want a girlfriend.I never asked him to be, but that is not the point. So we get into this huge fight and he says its cause he has been hurt in the past and thats why. This does not make sense to me. He calls me everynight and even comes and stays the night at my house every weekend. Were really good friends, but at the same time I'am not looking for him to be my friend and he knows this, but still he comes around. After the huge fight he apologized to me and told me he likes me, but had to remind me once again he don't want a relationship. So I told him well stop using me then for sex if all we are going to be is friends and he said that he was never using me and if I think that then we'll stop. My question is he ever gonna wanna be my boyfriend or is he gonna continue to drag this out and end up with someone else in the long run ?? Cause I think if he knew how I felt and he did not feel the same way he should just leave me alone.

[Angel]

Listen to Rachel and Clio --- outstanding advice. LISTEN to their words; LISTEN to his words not your heart. Good luck.

You say... "I'm not looking for him to be my friend and he knows this but he still comes around." and "Cause I think if he knew how I felt and he did not feel the same way he should just leave me alone." It would be great if the world worked this way, but it doesn't. Of course he continues to come around. He probably likes hanging out with you, talking to you, and sleeping with you. You guys probably have a great time together and are great friends. However, the bottom line is that he doesn't want a relationship. BOTH of you know this. Yet, you continue to stay around as well. I agree with what Rachel said that as women, I think we sometimes tend to get deluded and think that if a guy is hanging out with us that he really does like us and eventually those feelings will change. It's not all his responsibility to leave. Heck, he's getting exactly what he wants right now: a little companionship and a little sex. Why would he leave?

 

You are the one who ISN'T getting what you want, so YOU need to walk away. You have complete control over this. It's not all up to him. You also say, "He had to remind me once again he doesn't want a relationship." and "I told him to stop using me for sex."

 

This guy has told you numerous times that he doesn't want a relationship. You know he doesn't want a relationship. Therefore, I don't see how he could be using you for sex when you are an active participant in the sex, despite knowing how he feels. The problem here is that you are having the sex and getting emotionally invested and starting to really care for him, and he doesn't feel the same way. I think guys decide rather quickly whether or not a girl is "relationship worthy." Oftentimes the words "I don't want a relationship" mean "I don't want a relationship with you."

 

If after three months, spending all this time together, etc., this guy still says he doesn't want a relationship with you, he likely doesn't. And chances are, his feelings in this area won't change. You should probably try to find someone who wants the same thing as you do and walk away from this situation before you get hurt.

[velvet]

And if by chance, after you tell him your getting emotionally invested do fall for his BS if he starts saying things you want to hear. Things like he understands the way you feel. Or if hes says well let me try to give you a r/s, your my best friend, and I'll miss you if we dont do this anymore.

 

I have been there. Everytime I backed off he would come at me with beautiful words or make himself look like he was attempting to give me what I wanted. Which was a r/s.

 

Anyway after two years of pain, I told him I couldnt do it anymore, even though the attraction was intense. I have to look at him everyday of my life, we work together, and he is close with my family. The pain is always within me, but some days are better than others.

 

Just dont let him talk BS to keep you around! He does not want a r/s. PERIOD!! No matter what elese comes he says.

 

Listen to Rachel and Clio --- outstanding advice. LISTEN to their words; LISTEN to his words not your heart. Good luck.

[yes]

Get a diff-t job so u dont have to see him? At least for a while? Maybe a long business trip?

 

Also, u can ask your family to be considerate and avoid bumping you two into each other.

 

it just sounds like u'r around him way too much for u to heal.....

 

best of luck,

 

-yes

And if by chance, after you tell him your getting emotionally invested do fall for his BS if he starts saying things you want to hear. Things like he understands the way you feel. Or if hes says well let me try to give you a r/s, your my best friend, and I'll miss you if we dont do this anymore. I have been there. Everytime I backed off he would come at me with beautiful words or make himself look like he was attempting to give me what I wanted. Which was a r/s. Anyway after two years of pain, I told him I couldnt do it anymore, even though the attraction was intense. I have to look at him everyday of my life, we work together, and he is close with my family. The pain is always within me, but some days are better than others. Just dont let him talk BS to keep you around! He does not want a r/s. PERIOD!! No matter what elese comes he says.

[pitlover]

I told him that if he could'nt be there for me the way I wanted him to be then I'am not gonna stick around. I told him I'am only 20 and if he did'nt want to be with me I'am sure there are plenty of guys that do!! He tells me now that it is not that he does'nt wanna be with me it is just every relationship he has had every girl has cheated on him and putting me in the category as a girlfriend makes me prone to cheating on him. I told him to either get over it or leave me alone. I told him when he gets his sh*t together someday maybe we can talk, but for right now I'am done with him..

[Pitlover]

I thank you for your help. I just think maybe I'am to immature to be getting into a relationship with sex involved. I get to emotionally attached. It is just hard to believe that you find someone so compatible and have everything in common with and to have them screw you over like that.I dont even know what to do now, I thought that if we had a good friendship that it would be a good foundation for a relationship, cause I do consider him one of my best friends, but the only thing is.. I cant talk to him about is relationships. Because he goes into great detail about every ex cheating on him and how I would do that too. I dont even think a friendship will last out of this because if he cant trust me then I am wasting my breath and time..Friends dont hurt there friends intenionally.

[Rachel]

Good for you!

 

You should be very very proud of yourself!

 

I told him that if he could'nt be there for me the way I wanted him to be then I'am not gonna stick around. I told him I'am only 20 and if he did'nt want to be with me I'am sure there are plenty of guys that do!! He tells me now that it is not that he does'nt wanna be with me it is just every relationship he has had every girl has cheated on him and putting me in the category as a girlfriend makes me prone to cheating on him. I told him to either get over it or leave me alone. I told him when he gets his sh*t together someday maybe we can talk, but for right now I'am done with him..

[Tony T]

Good for you. And don't wait for him to get his sh*t together, it's doubtful that will every happen.

 

It's good you are developing a strength that is required in dealing with all people. You must always be strong in eliminating people from your life who are not positive and who do not contribute in someway to a mutually rewarding exchange of some nature.