Other women

[stellaf]

My fiancé is often looking at other women.

He claims he doesn’t know why he does this and says it is meaningless and harmless.

But it bothers me a lot.

 

It's like I'm competing with so many other women and, if they do look better, it makes me think he would rather do it with them.

He may never act on it, but the sexual desire (or at least attractiveness) is definitely there!

 

I know most of people would tell me to just ‘get over it’, but it’s not that easy.

I tried hard to accept this, I really did.

I tried therapy a few times.

But it keeps lingering in the back of my mind, makes me ‘uninterested’ and I feel I’m loosing ‘joy for life’.

At the end, it actually pushes me away from him.

 

How can I accept this without feeling resentful or discontent?

Any comments will be highly appreciated.

[ChaoticAlisha]

Everyone looks at other ppl once in awhile. It is all a part of being a human being..but there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. I think this wouldnt be an issue if your fiancé would have some respect for you, and not do it in front of you...or bring it to your attention. People forget when they are in a relationship, it is no longer a single "no one cares what i do but me deal." Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you feel disrespected. I dont think you have a huge problem, but he def should not being doing that bs in front of you.

[RecordProducer]

Stell, you have to make it clear to him that he MUST STOP DOING IT IN FRONT OF YOU. Really this is all about respect, not sexual interest in other women. Tell him as many times as necessary that you won't tolerate this and that he should stop. This moment!

 

There is no alternative to this. You won't get over it and it costs him nothing to NOT do it before you.

 

He can look when you're not around. Who cares what entertains his eyes when you are blessed with ignorance?

[nicki]

Yes, it needs to stop. It's disrespectful and makes you feel insecure, which it does all women. We want to make sure we have the attention of our mate, and that they won't leave us for another woman. It's biological and protective behavior.

 

Hey, most guys look a little, but they don't get caught. That's the best behavior. We know those guys are showing us they prefer us.

 

A quick glance at a women who is already in a guy's sight line is okay, but staring or turning around for a better look is just plain disrespectful. A guy should be paying attention to you when he's with you. Not putting out signals to women he's interested in them.

 

Tell him if he keeps it up, you might start thinking he isn't that interested in you and that maybe you should check out YOUR options.

 

Next time he does it, just say "If you want to be with me, you don't do that." Then act a little cool towards him. Maybe walk away and make him follow you.

 

He needs to train his attention to be on you. So, when you are together and his attention looks like it could wander, ask him to do something for you. That will take his attention off of staring at another women and put it back on you. Say, "Oh, Baby, will you hold my purse, my water, check my shoe, etc." (Screw this idea if he doesn't try to work on it himself, too.)

 

If you want to, check out a hot guy yourself. Make a big show of it, turn around and look back so you can see the guy's ass. When your boyfriend calls you on it, say "What? You do it all the time. I thought maybe I should give it a try." Then smile and say it's all so very innocent.

 

It probably sounds petty to do that, but that's how I broke a guy of that kind of behavior. He didn't like ME doing it one bit. He said it made guys think I was single....to which I replied, I might be, very soon....

 

Really, it's low behavior. If your guy doesn't curb his roving eye, you might want to consider looking for a more attentive guy. They are out there.

[Guest]

Don't get married until you have seen he will choose to stop doing this in front of you. Once you are married it will continue. Look at this like a time when he is showing you what you are in for with him.

 

It took me 10 months of bitching to get him to stop. Even now I can't believe he really did. I don't know what yours says, but mine would always deny deny deny, and even accuse me of accusing him of nothing. That really screwed with my head.

 

Nicki's advice is really good. in fact I have to remeber to do the "attention on me" trick when we are in an enclosed place with beautiful ladies around.

And you have to catch him when he does it. I used to wait and bring it up later because I was embarassed that the other girls knew they got one over on me if I reacted in the moment.

 

The best advice i ever got was act up act up act up because the denial will kill your relationship faster, and he has to change it. Also be clear with yourself what is acceptable.

 

Glancing up or looking when someone is in his line of sight is okay, long lingering stares or repititive head turning or jerking his head to the side for a last look is not. Anything that gives the other woman an obvious signal "hey I'm looking at you" in front of you is not okay.

 

See if you can train him now, the cool off directly after he does it is good too. It is like training a pet, the backlash must be swift, men react more positively to that then the long drawn out whine session later. Hopefully you are not like me, holding it in for fear of other girls seeing me reacting.

[Beebit]

My fiancé is often looking at other women.

He claims he doesn’t know why he does this and says it is meaningless and harmless.

But it bothers me a lot.

 

It's like I'm competing with so many other women and, if they do look better, it makes me think he would rather do it with them.

He may never act on it, but the sexual desire (or at least attractiveness) is definitely there!

 

I know most of people would tell me to just ‘get over it’, but it’s not that easy.

I tried hard to accept this, I really did.

I tried therapy a few times.

But it keeps lingering in the back of my mind, makes me ‘uninterested’ and I feel I’m loosing ‘joy for life’.

At the end, it actually pushes me away from him.

 

How can I accept this without feeling resentful or discontent?

Any comments will be highly appreciated.

 

Stellaf, Control your insecurities, especially around your fiance. You could possibly push him into having an affair. You seem to bring on too much attention to something that is so natural for all males. We simply like to look. It does not mean we want to jump on any females bones we come across. Plain and simple WE APPRECIATE A GOOD LOOKING WOMAN!

 

If your fiance is showing disrespect by openly flirting with the opposite sex, maybe you need to realize he may not be the one for you. He may just not be a match. Do not try changing someone into something they already are. You will be looking at divorce along the lines.

 

Do yourself a favor and work on your insecurities and stop fussing over something that is just part of human nature.

[catgirl1927]

This is probably bothering you more because it's so disrespectful and rude than because you think he wants one of those women. Demanding to be treated with common courtesy does not make you "insecure."

 

You don't have to change who you are. What you really need to do is find a man who cares enough about you to have a little respect for you.

 

Don't let people tell you it's "natural" for men to gape at other women and you just have to accept him doing it. Because the next thing they will tell you is that it's "natural" for men to have affairs.

 

I don't recommend marrying this guy. He learned something he was doing was hurting you, and he blew off your feelings as unimportant. Why on earth would you marry someone who cares nothing for you? You deserve better. There are good men out there, don't sell yourself short.