precious99 Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Ok I think I'm crazy and I'm sure that my BF agrees but I'm looking for at least a second opinion to my insanity.... My BF is younger than I am - I am divorced with 3 kids - anyways we have been together 10 months and while I have had some problems with his friends, his family and I get along amazingly well. So this problem has caught me off guard and I think I responded more out of hurt and shock than anything else. Here goes...tomorrow if my BF's nephew's 3rd birthday. We (him, and I and my kids) were all invited to a birthday party at his brother and sister-in-law's house. So great right? I plan to go and even make arrangements with my kids dad to have them for the day (its his weekend) Then on tuesday night my BF comes over and casually brings up how this little party has now turned into a soiree for 30 + people (most of them being his sister-in-law's family) Then he says that they are very church oriented, judgemental people and seems uncomfortable with the idea of us going, although he does not come out and say so. I ask him if they would be judgemental about him dating a woman who has been divorced and has children and he says yes. I have had alot of previous problems in this same area with his friends accepting me as a part of his life and eventually it begins to wear on you. Since when did a failed marraige and 3 beautiful children make you undeserving to date again or find happiness. So, in frusteration and feeling like he was waiting for me to bail I told him that I wasn't going. Spending the whole day trying to live up to someone else's ridiculous expectations and live down whatever preconceived ideas they have come up with about me sounded like hell anyways. He said that if I wasn't going that he wasn't going either. However I encouraged him to go - it is his nephew after all. But he refused and in truth I would have caved eventually and gone just so he didn't miss it. But I wasn't given the opportunity because the next day I was talking to his mom and she told me how he was all excited about it and how disappointed she was that we were not going to be there. Well I asked him about it and he said that he had only told me that he wasn't going cause he thought that it would make me go!! What?? Am I being crazy here? He was over today and was supposed to spend the night but then at like six he just got up and said that he was going home. I don't get it. I'm not clingy, I have bent over backwards to make this work....oh and I should tell you one of the guests that will be at the party is his sister-in-law's little sister - and his ex-GF. I feel awful right now. When he left we kinda got into a fight and he said that I was being insecure and making him out to be a "bad" person but I don't really think that's whats happening (correct me if I'm wrong) I guess I'm just feeling hurt and disappointed. I feel like I'm a great person who has alot to offer anyone and I'm being made to feel like I'm an embarrassment and being left behind at his convienience. Anyone care to analyze?? Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Just out of curiosity, how old are you and how old is he? I don't really know what to make out of it, but something is definitely up. Do you think maybe he doesn't want to be in the middle of you and his ex girlfriend? Just a thought........I really don't know on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious99 Posted October 1, 2006 Author Share Posted October 1, 2006 I'm 30 and he's 26 Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Precious, You are being a DOORMAT to him. Please stop bending backwards to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 What? You are 30 and he is 26? What the hell is the big deal? That age difference is absolutely nothing. I am in a huge age difference. We are actually 40 years apart. I can't believe it either but it has been working for us in the past 6 months. A four year difference is again absolutely nothing. I agree stop being a doormat to him. He sounds like he is 26 going on 16. Time for him to grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Spending the whole day trying to live up to someone else's ridiculous expectations and live down whatever preconceived ideas they have come up with about me sounded like hell anyways. Right! So why would you worry at all? And if there are people who will give you a hard time or fake a smile in your face then gossip about you, why would YOU want to go? He went because it's his obligation to go. Men don't like conflicts, but ironically will turn any conflict into a huge drama. I suggest you just get this whole thing out of your head and imagine that he went to work and you didn't want to be there. Be bigger than them and show that to him. He will miss you there anyway. Don't poison your mind with unnecessary thoughts. Many couples have to endure the pressure of prejudices on their back. But you know what the secret is? To ignore them, not only as a couple, but also separately. I understand that it wouldn't have been a problem if he decided NOT to go as he initially stated. But what hurts you is that you think he is ashamed of you and doesn't want to show you off as an older girlfriend. This might be the case or he might just be insecure and not wishing to get nasty comments from his relatives. besides, you don't know the whole story about his family. My husband's family was presented to me as ideal harmony just for me to find out that they are a snakes' nest full of stinky crap. You don't know if he doesn't want them to see YOU or... he doesn't want you to see THEM. My advice: concentrate on your relationship only and forget the external influence. If you let things like this one break you from the inside, the age difference WILL become a problem. But it won't if you don't let it. Forget the whole thing and relax. Every time I reacted to things like this in one way or another, I regretted it. Whenever I remained a "lady" - I felt good about myself and the problem died before it was born. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleLady Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 My husband's family was presented to me as ideal harmony just for me to find out that they are a snakes' nest full of stinky crap. LOL! That's in-laws for ya! Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 What? You are 30 and he is 26? What the hell is the big deal? That age difference is absolutely nothing. I am in a huge age difference. We are actually 40 years apart. I can't believe it either but it has been working for us in the past 6 months. A four year difference is again absolutely nothing. I agree stop being a doormat to him. He sounds like he is 26 going on 16. Time for him to grow up. !!! So who's who? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 I am 59 and she is 19. Go Figure! Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 I am 59 and she is 19. Go Figure! Different strokes for different folks, I s'pose... Gotta wonder though... is this relationship based more on 'financial stuff' than anything else? Link to post Share on other sites
insomnie Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 I am 59 and she is 19. Go Figure! So do you hang out with her grandparents? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Her grandparents are too young for me to hang out with. Link to post Share on other sites
megnog Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 let me just say i'm 19 and i don't think i'd ever date a 59 year old. my parents and friends would freak. ........ unless you were like george clooney handsome then MAYBE haha anyway, precious - thats really confusing. it seemed like he didn't want you to go and then he tried to say he told you he backed out just so you WOULD go? he needs to get his story straight and tell you flat out what he wants and why. i personally don't like hanging out with bfs family but that just might be because i'm young. i'd take it as a blessing but the fact that his ex is going to be there would make me a bit nervous. i don't know what his relatives are like or if what he said has any truth to it but i'm sure hes not EMBRASSED OF YOU! thats crazy. if he was, he wouldn't have stuck it out with you.. right? his parents like you too which is a big plus. besides, 24 and 30 are fine. infact, he should feel lucky because older woman know much more and are experienced. if this continues to bother you, definately tell him you feel like hes embarassed by you and you want to know his feelings on the matter. its not fair to you for him to be dating you but at the same time embarassed by you! if you get along with his parents, he should have no problems showing you off to everyone else! if theres still a chance, maybe you should just go. see what his relatives think. if they don't like you, so wHAT. but they have to meet you at some point so it might be good to take this opportunity to meet them.. idk.. good luck though and keep us posted Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 I am 59 and she is 19. Go Figure! So what is it that she gets from you? Are you wealthy? Is she unattractive, but has the youth that you need? My MIL is 70 and her live-in BF is 47. She is not rich or anything, she owns a small apartment in the city and drives a Subaru. She has a doctorate and he is a carpenter that moved from another state to be with her. I hope he is with her for the right reasons... whatever they are. She is a wonderful woman, a true giver. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleLady Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Her grandparents are too young for me to hang out with. So you hang out with her great-grandparents? Just hope both of you are in it for the right reasons and if so, screw what everyone else thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author precious99 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 Hi and thanks for all the replies, support and advice. Well he went and I decided that rather than sit around all day moping I would go out and have some fun - so i went for a walk, to the library (I know I'm a dork!! ) and out to lunch with a friend. Then didn't he show up just after six like everything was fine. Well I impressed even myself with my response - rather than jump all over him and gouge his eyeballs out - I just played it cool - didn't even ask about the party and just kept myself at arms length. Then when he asked what was wrong I laid my cards out on the table - cooly and calmly. I can't say that everything is or will be perfect but I can say that he will never make that mistake again. He isn't embarrassed of me, I have concluded by the way - he just has a hard time dealing with two things going on at once - keeping his obligation to his family while at the same time feeling like he has to babysit me and make sure that no one is being mean or cruel to me. And the ex thing actually doesn't bother me at all - weird eh?? I guess I really am a goddess!! Link to post Share on other sites
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