Ex-Contacts me after 8 years

[sbmhome]

I found this website because I have something on my mind and this is a really touchy subject for me. I'll try to be as descriptive as possible and right up front, I really appreciate any advice.

 

My ex contacted me after 8 years of NC.

 

Background Info:

We met when I was 24 and she was 17 1/2. We stared dating when she was 18 and then finally were intimate when she was 19 and I was her 1st.

We were together for a total of 5 years (her being 22 and me being 29 when we broke up).

 

During the time that we were together, we were very deeply in love. We rarely argued and saw eye to eye on many things. Family, friends, everyone thought that we were going to get married.

 

Then it happened, she met someone lets just say very well off and well known. Arguements started to happen after weeks of them meeting. After 8 few months, we were done! I broke it off because, she was hurting me really badly and I knew it was coming to an end anyway.

 

3 years after we broke up, I find out that she and that guy is married and it confirmed what I suspected, that she was interested in being with this guy.

 

Note: She NEVER came across as a golddigger and I never considered her that even to this day. She was always very generous with whatever she had. So I don't think thats why she was acting weird on me.

 

Note: I've dated a lot since then and I've had a few semi-serious relationships but I've never been in love since then and I thought about her frequently. Over the last 4-5 years, I've really accepted the fact that I need to find another person, and I need to move on.

 

Ok, fast forward to 2006, 8 years later. She calls my mom and said that she thought she saw me walking in NYC (I used to live out there). So she decided to call. She gave my mother her phone # and asked her to give it to me. My mom told me to call her and I waited about 1 month to call. When I called, it was ALL small talk, I didn't ask her about her husband and she didn't say anything.

 

1 month later she sends an email with her and her nephew pics attached, we talk again briefly, again all small talk.

 

1 month after that I find out that she filed for diviorce from her husband!

 

I initially was both surprised that she called, but also wondering WHY she called, but now I know she was going through a stressful time.

 

It has been 4 months since she intially called me, but she hasn't really "followed up" and called a lot. She will call me if I call her and email me if I email but other than that, the only email I get is a distribution email to her friends and family giving them an update to her travel (she travels a lot)

 

Now she is a very attactive woman and well off....and can easily get ANY guy for sure...I'm just an attractive guy, nothing special. When she 1st called, I didn't think much of it, but recently, I've really been thinking about her a lot and I can't get past the thought of us getting back together.

 

I think she felt guilty about us breaking up, because she was in the wrong. During our last convo, I told her that I was mad at her for a bit and asked her if she knew that....and she agknowleged that she knew and understood. She told me that I have a lot less to be mad about and she will tell me soon...I have no idea what that means.

 

Ok, now the questions.

1. Am I in a dream world and just getting me hopes up to be let down?

 

2. She hasn't been contacting me like I thought she would from the inital contact...why not? Is she waiting for ME to call her?

 

3. How can I find out her intentions, without making myself look like a fool?

 

ANY help will be great...thanks!

[amaysngrace]

Ok, now the questions.

1. Am I in a dream world and just getting me hopes up to be let down?

 

2. She hasn't been contacting me like I thought she would from the inital contact...why not? Is she waiting for ME to call her?

 

3. How can I find out her intentions, without making myself look like a fool?

 

ANY help will be great...thanks!

 

 

The best thing you can do is decide that whatever happens between you two, it isn't going to change your life.

 

Live your life the way you've been, and if it's meant to be it will be. You seem to be getting extremely emotionally attached to her again, and this could be a bad thing for you because hurt could follow if it doesn't pan out the way you hope it does.

 

You need to keep your head focused on what is, rather than what you wish for. Because your wish may not be granted.

 

If she is going through divorce, chances are she was considering leaving the marriage when she made the initial call to your mother. Perhaps for validation from you, perhaps for a relationship with you, or perhaps just to re-live some good memories you two share. Who knows? The important thing is to realize she is going through an emotional phase right now, even if she is the one to initiate the divorce.

 

Remind yourself that you are not dealing with her at her best. Divorce is a confusing time for all of us. Personally I think it's unfair of her to involve you, especially after 8 years.

 

I would step back and not read too much into anything she says or does. Practice detaching yourself from her, because it sounds as if you're getting in deep. Remain friends and don't cut her off, but don't plan your life around her and what you hope for deep down inside.

 

She's not playing with a full deck right now, emotionally, so make sure you are. Put yourself first.

[Guest]

1. Emotionally she should be shot to pieces right now because of the divorce and therefore she will be looking for any security she can get, even if it means defaulting to you. You sound like you are getting your hopes up which is quite normal but I dont think this is about "you and her". This is about her.

 

2. No she is not waiting for you to call her. She just needs to know that there is an emotional crutch available as and when she needs it. Dont call. Although she is having a tough time and you are fond of her dont forget that she rejected you. Face it. Remember the pain. In her eyes you just weren't good enough. Dont take this badly, it has happened to us all. The result is that if she wants you SHE must come and get you not the other way round. You are the prize not her. If she does step up and says "I Want you back" then you can work from there but be careful, dont be a rebound victim.

 

3. The best way to find out her intentions is do absolutely nothing. Sit tight, get on with your life. If she wants you she will call you. She knows where you are now. However, be very very careful and be prepared for the long haul. If she does come back to you again she must work hard to get you back. That way she will repsect you more. Also, dont underestimate her husbands efforts to a)hold the marriage together b)win her back over a period of time if they do actually get divorced. He may still love her regardless of the crap.

 

Dont let this consume you otherwise it will f*** you up again. Stay detached. Good luck!

[D-Lish]

It's interesting that you talk about never having loved anyone the same way you loved her- yet you've had 8 years to get over the relationship.

 

I recently broke up with someone who had unresolved feelings for his ex from six years ago. Like you, she left him after 7 years- and it was obvious he couldn't love another because he is still affected by her.

Do you think you'll ever get over her?

 

A divorce is a tumultuous time for a person- I know because I have been there. I think that if you truly want to reconcile, that you need to be patient. It took me a solid two years before I got my emotions sorted out.

 

Just be careful. And don't put your life on hold. By hoping for someone from 8 years ago to come back to you- you may be putting your life on hold, and you might just let a special person pass you by because you're waiting for the one that got away.

 

Good luck!

D

[dreamguy]

As other members previously said: She is still on the rebound and she is affected by her current divorce.

 

The best thing is to wait. If she is still interested after a while, you might consider making a carefully planned move.

 

I know you're worried that you might be too late if you refrain from going in as she is an attractive woman and any guy could ask her out.

Believe me, timing is crucial here.

If you wait you will gain 2 things:

1) You'll make sure she really wants you and you're not just a rebound.

2) You'll come across as someone in control of his feelings/life and you'll seem more atttractive.

 

You waited 8 years. What's another short waiting period ?

[Sup]

It's very possible that she was screwing other guy, whom she married but divorced. Did you ever have any suspisions about that? Any evidence? I wouldn't let her string you along, that would be a waste of your time and life. It looks like she's doing that to ya.

[sbmhome]

Thanks everyone for the great advice, it has really helped me put all of this into perspective. I have to admit that my mind has been running wild with thoughts of us being together lately and what you all wrote has really brought me down to earth.

 

I think I already knew that she was contacting me for herself and not "us", but I wasn't sure if it was just me just thinking that she was hurt and contacted me as a crutch and being pestimistic or that she was finally ready for us...I now know it wasnt the latter.

 

I'm glad that you said that I shouldn't contact her and let her chase me if she wants me, when the time is right. I suspected that also, but I wasn't sure if doing nothing was a good thing, because I thought that I might be missing out if I didn't make a move....but I totally agree. I think it will be ok for me as I now know thats the best thing to do.

 

I actually heard that her husband wasn't faithful, so she decided to end it.

I guess thats only re-confirming the fact that I'm not exactly her 1st choice also.

 

Thanks everyone. I'll lay low, keep my life going the way it has (which hasn't been bad :-), and I'll keep you guys informed, and I'll see if I can help anyone here also! Thanks again.

[Guest]

i honestly think u can do whatever u want rite now... she is emotionally weak rite now. she wanting to contact you doesn't necessary mean that she wants to get back with u. she may just started thinking about u so she contact u. it's very natural. when people go through break up, they tend to think about their previous relationship. i think u can do whatever u want rite now. just don't get ur hope up becuase that may not be what u r thinking... on the other hand... it's been 8 yrs.. she is a different person now.. u're too... u two were compatible back then doesn't mean u guys would be rite now... best of luck!

[mental_traveller]

I agree with the other posters that her contact doesn't mean much, other than that she is feeling lonely after her divorce, so naturally she reaches out to the next person she thinks can provide comfort.

 

I would however go way beyond what they advise, and say DON'T GO THERE. Look, if you were really her #1 priority, she would have chosen you in the first place. If you were always on her mind, she would have contacted you during the marriage, or at least during the rocky period leading up to divorce. The fact that she only got in touch *after* being divorced is very telling. It looks to me like you are in the role of fallback guy here. The fact that she hasn't intensely pursued you since contacting you also leads to this conclusion.

 

Her admission that she was in the wrong I think tells us what this might be about. Maybe she feels guilty and wants to assuage that guilt by contacting you and having you forgive her? Or she just feels bad about how she treated you, and wants to prove to you and herself that she's not a bad person. But look, if she really wanted you, she would be showing it much more obviously IMO.

 

Well, what you do is up to you, but don't get your hopes up. If anything, maybe you should be asking yourself why not move on after all these years? Just cutting contact and refusing to meet would be a good way to start that process. Or if you must, meet her and get some kind of closure. But don't be misled into thinking this is going to be some kind of fairytale reunion. Maybe it will, but you can't bank on that.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[sbmhome]

I've decided to not get my hopes up...and it actually hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...that said, I got another sign that I'm not her number 1 priority.

 

She said she was going to email me and explain what happened...she even told me that there is actually less to be mad at than I think...I guess implying that things didn't happen as bad as I thought they did. Anyway, that was 2 weeks ago! She just sent me an email on friday 10/6, saying that she hasn't forgotten...but I think thats lame. An email shouldn't take that long to write...especially if its something like this.

 

I'm not making any moves...none. I'm just gonna do what I normally do and not worry about it. I'll definetly keep you guys updated!