Sand&Water Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 My organs; guts; blood; fibres are seeping out of me. God, and heaven knows the amount of torment I have been experiencing for the last few weeks. Yes. I'm struggling with maintaining No Contact with a certain male. I want to so badly message him. So badly -that it is eating me up inside. I know it is not, easy to do No Contact. I understand the dimensions of it's limits, however, I sincerely hope the end result will outdo the excruciating misery. He is going to be having surgery within a few weeks. I want to send him a small -just a brief, nice -message to check up on him. Is this wise? Someone stop me, now! Share your stories. There are tons of awesome people with NC stories. Thank You, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 I don't know your story as I just joined here last month. I've struggled through NC myself and it's hell in its purest form (or at least it seems that way). If you're in NC it must be for a good reason. Remind yourself of that over and over. Make a list of all the reasons why you should be in NC and refer to it repeatedly. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 I don't know your story as I just joined here last month. I've struggled through NC myself and it's hell in its purest form (or at least it seems that way). If you're in NC it must be for a good reason. Remind yourself of that over and over. Make a list of all the reasons why you should be in NC and refer to it repeatedly. Ditto! good advice and those reminders are doing wonders for my. I just keep asking myself, would I want to go back to the misery she caused me and chance this crap over again? NOT! Link to post Share on other sites
Bogun Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 He is going to be having surgery within a few weeks. I want to send him a small -just a brief, nice -message to check up on him. Is this wise? Someone stop me, now! Depends what the surgery is I guess. If its to put implants in his butt, I wouldnt bother. If its serious surgery for his health then yes go ahead and send him a message wishing him well. If nothing else it will leave a nice impression on him and you won't spend your life wishing you'd sent him a message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sand&Water Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 Thank you Jane_Doe, Rooster_DAR and Bogun for your replies! He is going to be having a minor surgery. Nothing too serious. Nonetheless, I care about him. And, want to wish him well. So, if I don't message him I might regret it later in life. I know, I have to be strong. I deeply want this feeling to go away. I don't want to hurt anymore. I have been doing NC for 2 weeks, to be exact. It is not long, compared to others. But, everyday I think of him. I left him. I WAS the ONE who chose to do this situation. He prefered I would stay. He wanted to pursue an honest bond with me. Pointless to friend him? I think, it may be too late. I want to at least go back, and just lightly bond with him. I want to at least be friends, on a normal level. I just don't know. What the heck, was I thinking! Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 If you broke it off with him...it's unfair to offer a little contact to ease his heartache. Of course if he choses to contact you, I sincerely hope that you can be open and not be aloof or shut him off either but remain humanly compassionate as one would show concern to another they at one point cared for. But if you initiate contact it will confse and mislead him. Don't let your ego and what you want manipulate or toy with his heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Hey, He is going to be having surgery within a few weeks. I want to send him a small -just a brief, nice -message to check up on him. Is this wise? Someone stop me, now! Oh, not me. I'd say, send it! Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sand&Water Posted October 2, 2006 Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 Thank you, In Sync and Ariadne for your replies! I am going to send him a short, nice message. The last time I talked to him [i.e. when I left], he said a few things that really hurt me. He accused me of not caring about him. He accused me of not being open with him. He accused me of putting up a barrier, and not telling him precisely what's going on in my life. I'm not contacting him, so that I can somehow ease his heartache. I'm going to contact him, because I still care and wish the best for his health -and life. Deep down, I want to be good friends with him; have an advanced friendship. Right before I left... He said: Whenever you want to talk, I'm here anytime. What does that mean? Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 You're being fishy here...you broke it off from him. Something motivated that. Apparently he felt you were uncaring, not opened, and he said you put up a barrier in your life. Obviously he felt these things in order to say them..and then you ended it? Hmmm. now that it's over you want to reopen his wounds? Why? If you weren't able to be there for him before now you want to offer him friendship. And you don't see that initiating contact is exploiting his feelings? I suspect if you contact him... he will build his hopes up. And if that is your desire do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Hi, He said: Whenever you want to talk, I'm here anytime. What does that mean? To me that means, don't hesitate to talk to him if you want to. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sand&Water Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 Your post, In Sync, makes tremendous amount of sense to me. I understand. I totally do not want to exploit his feelings. It may seem I am, from an outsider's point of view. But, that is something I would not do. I'm just so uncertain about him, about me specifically and what I can offer. I told him from the start I can't offer much. To me that means, don't hesitate to talk to him if you want to. Thank you, Ariadne. I know, he cares. Not only that, but right as I was leaving he told me "You are making a mistake". This is the message, I want to send him: _________________________________________________ Dear________, You did say, you’re going to be having surgery –or rather minor surgery, soon. Let me know how it goes, as well as the aftermath. I wish you luck, and hope you are in good health. Thank you. Warm regards, Sand&Water _________________________________________________ What do you think of the message? Add/delete anything? Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 What do you think of the message? Add/delete anything? It's perfect (Why do you tell him thank you? You are funny) Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
neiu Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 I don't know if I would use the word "aftermath" though. I feel that it's a word reserved for wars and other destructful events. My feelings on it is that you're dealing with something not so good after the fact sort of deal. Maybe using a more gentler word. I would give you one but i'm way too tired to play synonyms at the moment but thats my only concern on that for the moment. Yeah the thank you might need to go, don't know why you are thanking him, unless it's from a prior convo. anyway best of luck to him and you. try not to get too hung up over him, the best you can do is live your life for yourself and be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 That message shows nothing about being a friend or caring. If you really cared about this man... minor surgery or not...You'd go visit him after the surgery if he is in the hospital. Or go to his place and help him there. I'm sure he's in need of assistance getting around...I've had major and minor surgery and trust me you're body is not strong so any help is greatly appreciated. In other words. the e-mail you are sending is all about you and not letting this man heal properly. You want to keep his head twisted over you. And anyone with enough smarts can see through the "good deed." Why does every one think sending an e-mail is a replacement for actually physically being there. You care get off your butt and show it by doing something selfless...and tend to him. Otherwise it's all fake this should I send it or not stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Amour77 Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Right before I left... He said: Whenever you want to talk, I'm here anytime. What does that mean? Sand&Water It simply means that he loves you with all his heart and is ready to have you back anytime! In Sync, you've hit the nail in your previous message! Link to post Share on other sites
johnnytable Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 You need to leave this person alone. Seriously. Contacting him with some email is all about YOU and will not make HIM feel any better. It will just give him false hopes, mislead him, or confuse him. He might feel happy at first for the attention, but it will likely backfire and make him feel bad later. You broke up with him. He said that you can contact him at anytime, not for friendship IMHO, but because he wants to leave the door open for you to come back. This is a common thing to do when dumped. Are you trying to get back together with him? If not and you truely care about him, why not just let him be? Let him move on. When somebody dumps another person, the dumpee goes into denial. Sure they know that the are no longer together, but they don't feel it. You have to back your dumping up with actions as well. You have to show that it is really over by leaving them alone and not contacting them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sand&Water Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 He replied! [i sent him my message early this morning] Am I happy to hear from him? Yes. And, no because his reply is not good news. Ariadne & Neiu, (Why do you tell him thank you? You are funny) & I don't know if I would use the word "aftermath" though. Hahahee. The thank you was for reading my message, and partially understanding my circumstances. But, I deleted "Thank You", and "Aftermath". In Sync, Why does every one think sending an e-mail is a replacement for actually physically being there. Oh I wish, In Sync, I wish. He doesn't live close to me, so I can't be physically there by his side. I understand what you are trying to express. I wanted to add to my message, that I missed him; care for him; how badly screwed my life is right now. But, I held back for the sake of him. Amour77 & johnnytable, You need to leave this person alone. I'm still in the stages of brutual analysis. I have not come to a final decision. So, his reply to the message. He wrote: i just don't get it. you don't want to talk to me and then you do? which is it? i've had it [i.e. surgery] and fine thankyou. What does this mean? When I read his reply, I could feel his pain; his hurt; frusturation; the way he wants to push me. Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 It means that he feels like you're toying with him. Why did you break up with him to begin with? You've never said (or either I missed it). Link to post Share on other sites
joriel Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 So, his reply to the message. He wrote: i just don't get it. you don't want to talk to me and then you do? which is it? i've had it [i.e. surgery] and fine thankyou. What does this mean? When I read his reply, I could feel his pain; his hurt; frusturation; the way he wants to push me. Sand&Water He's telling you to make up your mind. Stop talking to him when you want to and then not. At some point the dumpee gets sick of hearing the dumper say, "We're not together but I still care about you." Frankly, I don't think saying that means a whole lot and that's essentially what you were saying with your message. I understand that you're trying to figure your own stuff out right now but you had a choice to either include him in your soul searching or not, you chose not. Now you have to deal with it. He replied! [i sent him my message early this morning] Am I happy to hear from him? Yes. And, no because his reply is not good news. If you honestly sent this message for him and not for you then all you would care about is that the surgery went fine. I apologize for seeming harsh but, that's just how I've interpreted this thread... Link to post Share on other sites
johnnytable Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 So, his reply to the message. He wrote: i just don't get it. you don't want to talk to me and then you do? which is it? i've had it [i.e. surgery] and fine thankyou. What does this mean? When I read his reply, I could feel his pain; his hurt; frusturation; the way he wants to push me. Do you see what I mean? Your email is not helping him. If you are confused and undecided, deal with that on your own. Don't drag him through your confusion. Don't involve him in it. Let him go and let him be. He will be in pain, but he will be in *less* pain if you aren't sending him emails like you did which confuse him. People on the both sides of dumping read a lot into emails. They interpret them in ways that you may not intend. Figure this stuff out own your own. Frankly I don't think that a dumpee truely cares that the dumper "cares" about them when they are still sitting there dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 I still have contact every so many days with my last gf and whenever we have it it's vicious and painful. I'm going to ask her to block my e-mail address. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 S&W, I don't know the whole story why did your break it off with him? And are you still in love with him? Link to post Share on other sites
DaZed&CoNfuSeD_L0vE Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 hey i dont know your story either but i know how it feels with the no contact thing...yea its hard but i wouldnt do it because then you will start to feel for him again Link to post Share on other sites
bchlvr Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 SW You have said that you want an honest bond, a light bond, an advanced friendship with your ex. I'm not sure what these mean but..... You have also stated that you're not sure about him or you but you know that you are not capable of giving him much. There is a big difference between what you want and what you are capable of doing and sustaining. It seems to me that even on a friendship level, you are not clear about what that friendship would look like. And that's okay but I wonder if in the meantime you are sending your ex mixed messages. At a time when he's not 100 percent (surgery) a mixed message or hopes that don't come to fruition is the last thing he needs. Try to think about how your actions are affecting him. Be honest with yourself. Perhaps you need time to figure outDevelop that first honest bond with yourself and if you are feeling confused, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sand&Water Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 Thank you: Jane Doe, joriel, johnnytable, burning 4 revenge, pricillia, DaZed&CoNfuSeD_L0vE, and bchlvr. Great insight from all! Jane_Doe: Why did you break up with him to begin with? These are the factors, that caused me to leave: (A) He wanted to get to know me better; to delve and create a good bond. He wanted [prefered] me to talk more openly -heart to heart. I was too scared to open my heart to him, for fear of getting hurt. I shut out -majority of everything. I couldn't deal with someone having so much care for me. (B) There are several important, restrictive, and tough things I am dealing with, as of lately. I informed him that, I couldn't handle him and the stress of my life. He was interferring with my search of better days, and I didn't want to lead him on, anymore. © As a result, of my personal barriers I was afraid of falling for him. I didn't want to fall for someone -who couldn't be near me. I didn't want to get attached to this "something special", and realize that I will have to let go later. So, I decided to let go early on for -I knew- my feelings for him would grow more fond as the day grew longer. Joriel: If you honestly sent this message for him and not for you then all you would care about is that the surgery went fine. Your words were not harsh, joriel. I sent the message for him. I wanted to make sure he was doing fine, and to show to him, that I care about him, and am still thinking of him. Sadly, he probably misunderstood it for "toying with him" . Johnnytable: Do you see what I mean? Your email is not helping him. Yes. I know what you mean. How do I help him? and, I guess myself too. Pricillia: And are you still in love with him? I don't know if it is love. All I know, is that I have feelings for him. I need him by my side, I do know that now. I need him in my support system. What do I say to him [i want to establish a great connection again]? Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
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