No Contact: The Struggles Of Coping

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

i just don't get it. you don't want to talk to me and then you do? which is it? i've had it [i.e. surgery] and fine thank you.

 

I do want to talk to you. I have missed you a lot. I miss seeing you. I miss touching you. I miss you baby. I'm so glad to hear you are feeling fine. S&W

 

Ariadne

[johnnytable]

You help him by letting him heal ON HIS OWN like he needs to. You cannot help him heal. You can only slow down his progress.

 

It sounds like you have some issues to deal with about yourself. You need to focus your attention away from him and towards what is going on with you that prevents you from wanting to have somebody who cares so much for you.

[Sand&Water]

IF he is able to provide miniscule bits and pieces of friendship -I will accept. It doesn't have to be full-blown friendship or romance.

 

Ariadne:

I do want to talk to you. I have missed you a lot. I miss seeing you. I miss touching you. I miss you baby. I'm so glad to hear you are feeling fine. S&W

 

Thank you. That is sweet, Ariadne. I could use a few parts of the message.

 

Johnnytable:

Thank you, for the post. I understand what you are trying to suggest. I believe, the implications of my uncertainty/issues will most likely devour the whole situation.

 

This is the REPLY message:

Dear T,

 

I know you are frusturated, and probably didn't expect me to contact you. You may have already long forgotten about me. But, I need you by my side. I need you part of my support system. After the car accident, I picked myself up. 2 weeks later, when I thought things were getting better and calmer, I get a health scare. You may think it is bullsh*t, but it is the truth. I want to talk to you, again. And, glad to hear you are fine.

 

Warm regards,

Sand&Water

 

I don't want to sound desperate. What do you think?

 

Sand&Water

[johnnytable]

Let me give you a rough translation of what this letter likely means to a dumpee, and what it means to me. The dumpee may not know it yet, but eventually they can and will think this way. That is when they cut you off completely for their own good.

 

---------

I know you are frusturated, and probably didn't expect me to contact you.

 

So why are you contacting me? You are acknowledging right here that you know this bothers me, yet you are doing it anyway. You are not respecting me. You are just being selfish. You know this is wrong yet you do it anyway. Where is your empathy?

 

You may have already long forgotten about me.

 

Everybody knows that I haven't forgotten you. I will never forget you, that doesn't make sense. I remember all of my exes. You just want to hear that I still care about you. You want me to say that I haven't forgotten about you. You are being needy.

 

But, I need you by my side. I need you part of my support system.

 

ME ME ME! Again this is all about you. What about what I need? What about what I need to do to heal? You dumped me and there are consequences for those actions. Deal with them.

 

You may think it is bullsh*t, but it is the truth.

 

You clearly have no idea what I think, so stop pretending. Its my business anyway.

 

I want to talk to you, again.

 

That's nice, but what about what I want and need? Why is this all about you? Frankly it isn't good for me to be hearing from you. We are broken up. You left. You can't have somebody who "cares so much" for you, let you still want to keep me around to talk to me? Go talk to somebody else. You are being selfish and needy.

 

glad to hear you are fine

 

It doesn't sound like you really care. If you did you wouldn't be contacting me when you know that it bothers me.

---------

 

To be honest, I'm not sure what kind of response you can give which won't be confusing or looked at as manipulation. This response is trying to make him be your friend and to have things YOUR way. Trust me, if he actually wanted to be your friend, then he would be your friend. You can't convince or guilt him to do it. It isn't right.

 

How should you end things? I'm not sure. I wish that you wouldn't have sent that initial email which started this all. Perhaps saying something like, "I'm sorry, I've been selfish in contacting you. I'm going to stop this and heal on my own."

[Sand&Water]

Thank you for the clarifications, Johnnytable.

 

I remember when I last talked to him, he seemed so cold when I informed him the news. He hasn't in a good mood. All he wanted, was for me to leave. Just leave, and not look back. It was scary.

 

I am determined to work things out, adjust myself, and the parameters of the situation.

 

Yet, that is not how I invisioned the interpretation. The message was not meant to imply "ME, ME, ME". However, I see where the faults are in my message.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure what kind of response you can give which won't be confusing or looked at as manipulation. This response is trying to make him be your friend and to have things YOUR way. Trust me, if he actually wanted to be your friend, then he would be your friend. You can't convince or guilt him to do it. It isn't right.

 

It is ironic, how you mention being "selfish, and needy". I have never been a selfish, and needy person. In reality, I am always the one giving, caring, and showing sympathy towards others. This agrees with his mentality. The last thing he said to me "You can't have it YOUR way". I can't deny it, but also can't be in agreement.

 

I believe, there is a lot of misunderstanding and misinterpretation between him and I.

 

How should you end things? I'm not sure. I wish that you wouldn't have sent that initial email which started this all. Perhaps saying something like, "I'm sorry, I've been selfish in contacting you. I'm going to stop this and heal on my own."

 

Those, 2 weeks, of No Contact really opened my eyes to a whole new world of perception and reality. I believe I did the right thing by sending that initial e-mail. Because, I don't want to end it. Although, I know it screams ME, there is no way to send an initial e-mail without having to deal with issues from both parties.

 

I just don't know what to write him.

 

Sand&Water

[johnnytable]

I'm confused. You say that you don't want to end it. End what? Didn't you already breakup with him?

 

It is a BREAK UP. That means that you no longer have each other by default. You can no longer rely on him by default. You can't have him in your support system by default. You can't talk to him by default. You are now *separated*.

 

When he says, "You can't have it YOUR way" he is right. In order to get the things that you want, he has to want them to. Friendship has to come from both sides. You can't force it onto somebody or convince them to do it. How many of your other friends in your life did you need to convince to be your friend? I would bet zero.

 

"you can't have it YOUR way" already says that you can't have what you want. Sorry, its just not happening. It doesn't matter if you don't agree to it.

 

He wants you to leave, but you aren't willing to do it. You aren't respecting his wishes. How is this not selfish? Believe me, it is very very difficult for a dumpee to tell the dumper to leave, yet he told you to leave. It is incredibly hard to close the door so don't always expect them to do it for you.

 

Working things out = getting your way. You are frustrated because you are not getting your way. Adjusting yourself and parameters of the situation to get what you want? This looks like pure deception to me. You are trying to project some image of yourself that will convince him to provide you with whatever tidbits and scraps that he can to satisfy you.

 

So as it stand, you are unwilling to accept that he wants you to leave. You are trying to conjure up some message that will allow you to get what you want. You are trying to manipulate or deceive him into providing you with what you need, his friendship.

 

Be honest here. If you *truely* cared about *him* and was willing to act in an absolute selfless way, you would leave when he asked you to.

 

You could have said, "I understand that you want me to leave and I'm going to honor your request. If you change your mind, feel free to contact me." Period, end of story, get on with your life and don't contact him ever again (contacting at anytime is just crossing his boundary). This would have ended things with respect for his wishes and left the door open if he wanted to contact you.

 

As I have said, it is essentially impossible to come up with an email that will be interpreted the way that you think or hope that it will be this close to a breakup.

 

I'm sure that you are a very giving and caring person. It is certainly not a bad trait. But this does not mean that you are not acting in a selfish and needy way right NOW. Some of the most giving and caring people that I have been involved with in my life turned out to be the most selfish and needy people that I knew as well... myself included at times. It takes a LOT to actually put the needs of somebody else before your own.

 

BTW, two weeks of NC is essentially nothing. I know it is difficult and seems like forever... but it is a very short time.

[Ariadne]

Dear T,

 

I know you are frusturated, and probably didn't expect me to contact you. You may have already long forgotten about me. But, I need you by my side. I need you part of my support system. After the car accident, I picked myself up. 2 weeks later, when I thought things were getting better and calmer, I get a health scare. You may think it is bullsh*t, but it is the truth. I want to talk to you, again. And, glad to hear you are fine.

 

Warm regards,

Sand&Water

 

-------------------

 

Yes! Yes! Yes!

 

Good luck ,

 

Ariadne

[Sand&Water]

Alright, hold your horses! There are a few things that didn't register correctly on this thread.

 

I sense that I didn't portray the issues at hand, with enough clarity. I think that is why you are getting ahead of yourself.

 

I'm confused. You say that you don't want to end it. End what? Didn't you already breakup with him?

 

Technically speaking, there was no definite relationship to start with. He expected, at the start -when he and I met, a lot of heart-to-heart spilling of one's life. It seemed, to me, like he couldn't get enough -he wanted me to be open. However, in reality, that didn't happen. He wasn't being open with me. He demanded a lot from me, but never showed the same in return.

 

It is a BREAK UP. That means that you no longer have each other by default. You can no longer rely on him by default. You can't have him in your support system by default. You can't talk to him by default. You are now *separated*.

 

I never said he is in my support system. I said I need him in my system. Hence, I will ask him to be by my side. IF he declines, that is fine.

 

By the way, he left the door open. A few months back, he was about to leave, but decided to stay.

 

When he says, "You can't have it YOUR way" he is right. In order to get the things that you want, he has to want them to. Friendship has to come from both sides. You can't force it onto somebody or convince them to do it. How many of your other friends in your life did you need to convince to be your friend? I would bet zero.

 

Again, I never said that I will force him to be my friend. I wrote, that I need [i.e. I need him in my life, for I have needs too, and am going to ask him] his companionship, friendship, care, opinion, and support in my life. These are desires. I am not going to chain him to me. He helped me before, it would be nice if he stayed, but I don't demand his attention.

 

He wants you to leave, but you aren't willing to do it. You aren't respecting his wishes. How is this not selfish? Believe me, it is very very difficult for a dumpee to tell the dumper to leave, yet he told you to leave. It is incredibly hard to close the door so don't always expect them to do it for you.

 

No. He wanted me to stay. He prefered that him and I work on improving the situation, and share more about each other. He said to me, straight out, that I'm "making a mistake by leaving".

 

Working things out = getting your way. You are frustrated because you are not getting your way. Adjusting yourself and parameters of the situation to get what you want? This looks like pure deception to me. You are trying to project some image of yourself that will convince him to provide you with whatever tidbits and scraps that he can to satisfy you.

 

Again, no. I'm not deceiving him. What I said, earlier, declares that I am going to work on improving myself, and he should do the same. He isn't perfect. He has said a lot of hurtful things. So he isn't sketched in "good light", per say.

 

So as it stand, you are unwilling to accept that he wants you to leave. You are trying to conjure up some message that will allow you to get what you want. You are trying to manipulate or deceive him into providing you with what you need, his friendship.

 

Again, no. I am trying to restore most of the trust that was lost. Or rather, build a foundation in which trust can grow and flourish do that a friendship can be sustained. He seems to want more than friendship, yet when I ask him about his flirting -he denies it.

 

As I have said, it is essentially impossible to come up with an email that will be interpreted the way that you think or hope that it will be this close to a breakup.

 

I believe it is possible. However, it will take considerable amount of thought, and energy to convey the right idea.

 

BTW, two weeks of NC is essentially nothing. I know it is difficult and seems like forever... but it is a very short time.

 

I know, 2 weeks isn't much. Nonetheless, I needed that time to thoroughly think about the entire situation. It was beneficial.

 

So, now I just have to come up with an e-mail. Or, a better worded/expressive e-mail than the one above.

[Sand&Water]

Ariadne,

 

Yes! Yes! Yes!

 

Good luck ,

 

Ariadne

 

Thank You!

 

Sand&Water

[neiu]

Alright, everyone just ease up a bit. If you want my honest opinion, to me it appears that he has been waiting long enough and has just had enough of it. I think you have to realize that he's not just going to be like "oh sure you can have me back like that and we'll be back to how we were." Things unfortunately don't work that way. Rebuilding even the smallest relationship with some sort of meaning will take more than the pixels that pop up on his screen. I think most people don't realize that email has set us back so far in terms of etiquette. Now I realize you had said that meeting in person is not possible due to distance but picking up the phone and taking the time to dial a few numbers to have a real conversation where you can convey your feelings properly is a lot more appreciated I think. With email, you can be manipulative, misunderstood and those are the last things you want to be seen as. Unfortunately we all know that talking on the phone is hard sometimes cause you can't hide away if something goes wrong and really the key to any relationship is communication. You lose that you lose everything. You can type I miss you a million times but that doesn't work out other deeper underlying issues that are there. Talk it out instead of playing email tag games and you'll realize that it will solve a lot more. Plus, wouldn't it be nice just to hear his voice anyway if you do miss him that much?

[Sand&Water]

Thank you, Neiu, for the input.

 

"oh sure you can have me back like that and we'll be back to how we were."

 

I believe it can happen -but not without a few consequences.

 

Good news! He, finally, replied!

 

I wrote:

I'm sorry, I've been selfish in contacting you. I know you are frusturated, and probably didn't expect me to contact you. You may have already long forgotten about me. But, I need you by my side. I need you part of my support system. I've been missing you. After the car accident, I picked myself up. 2 weeks later, when I thought things were getting better and calmer, I get a health scare. You may think it is bullsh*t, but it is the truth. I want to talk to you, again. and, I'm really glad to hear you are fine. I would like for you to at least reconsider. I miss you.

 

Warm Regards,

Sand&Water

 

His reply:

 

He wrote: i told you its your choice, just surprised since it was you that wanted to choose that path

 

He wrote: well sorry to hear so much has happened to you

He wrote: you don't have to ask [i.e. for him to reconsider] so don't be silly

He wrote: i don't have to reconsider

He wrote: i already told you before you'd left

He wrote: but if you were to do it again, then you might be stuck

I am happy! It is settled. Well, somewhat. It is [he] is not the same, though. The interest, excitment, and jokes are missing [busy life; stress]. However, in due time, things will improve.

 

Sand&Water

[Ariadne]

Woohooo!

 

I am happy! It is settled. Well, somewhat. It is [he] is not the same, though. The interest, excitment, and jokes are missing [busy life; stress]. However, in due time, things will improve.

 

Good job there Sand&Water .

 

And he is just weirded out with the email, but in no time he'll be back with the jokes, excitement etc.

 

You got lucky he was still available, phew.

 

Well, now enjoy the night of passion :love:

 

Sighhh....

 

Ariadne

[Sand&Water]

Thank you, Ariadne!

 

And he is just weirded out with the email, but in no time he'll be back with the jokes, excitement etc.

...You got lucky he was still available, phew.

 

I believe so, too. I am trying to be more cheerful around him.

Oh, and he has been available for long time [from what I gathered].

 

He said he was some sort of celebrity. I don't know if he was joking or not. Would it be rude to ask him about it?

 

Sand&Water