Please lend a hand

[Adam]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 6 years now. I am 22 and a Senior in college and she is 23 and has been out on her own for 1 year now. She lives by herself and I have two roomates.

 

She is a great girlfriend that I enjoy being with, but sometimes it feels like she is smothering me lately. This has been going on for probably 3 or more months now. She calls everyday at least once, usually 2-3 times, she randomly comes over maybe two times a week whenever we don't have anything planned, etc. I believe since she lives by herself and she doesn't really have a hobby, she just doesn't have anything else to do but to see me. I, on the other hand, love doing things on my computer and doing things with my rooomates and friends.

 

I don't know if I should feel this way or not. Since we have been going out for such a long time, it seems like I should be glad that she wants to spend so much time with me, but I don't. Is this wrong? I want my space. However, I want to see her because I do love her and we have a fun time together, but I would just like those times to be a little farther apart. I would like maybe 3-4 times a week to see her. Do you think that I am selfish?

 

I have not told her this because I am scared. She has been having some problems with our relationship in the past month and she has tried to break up with me twice now. She would come over and tell me that it is over, then I would start crying and convince her to stay. We did this twice this month and this is the reason why I don't want to tell her this. I am afraid that we will break up. I, myself, don't think that I want to do this and go through all of post break up trauma.

 

Could anyone lend a helping hand and possibly give me some insight on what I should do here? I really do think that I need to tell her how I feel, but since I am not that good with words, I will probably make things worse and make her feel horrible.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated..

 

Thanks.

 

Adam

[Adam]

I have been looking down the forum for any situations that could be related to mine, but I haven't found any. If you guys remember a particular thread that had a situation similar to mine, let me know. I would love to read over it.

[Tony T]

I think you're pretty selfish.

 

What you have posted here is YOUR problem with the relationship...not wanting to see her as often. You say absolutely nothing about the problems you are having that drive her to want to break up with you. She has TWICE tried to break up with you. Just why is that?

 

I don't understand. She comes over randomly. Obviously wants to be with you a lot...you say you love her and have lots of fun with her...and yet she wants to break up with you. Is it me or is something seriously missing from your post? Is she coming over a lot to try to break up with you? Is this girl stable emotionally? What's the case?

 

The real kicker here is you say "I am afraid that we will break up. I, myself, don't think that I want to do this and go through all of post break up trauma." So you don't want to break up with her because of the post break up trauma? Have you ever thought that part of love is considering the other person? Have you ever wondered why you would want to keep someone around who wants to break up with you...who doesn't want to continue their relationship with you?

 

Now, to be fair, I know there's something strange here but I don't want to guess about it. So if you will give more details about why she wants to break up with you, I will be glad to address your problem. But when you're at the doctor's office, leaving out important details about your condition can be fatal . I'm not about to tell you how to gain space from a girl who doesn't want to be with you at all but who is crowding you anyway until I have a lot more details...and please try to give her side...or at least what she is telling you and what she sees the issues to be. The case is wholly bizarre.

[Ed]

I don't think it's a good idea for two people to spend all of their free time together. However, it is generally the nature of long-term relationships that the couple will spend the majority of their free time together. I'm not saying that it should be this way or that it has to be this way. That's just how it is most of the time.

 

You have to figure out for yourself what you feel comfortable with. If your girlfriend is not satisfied with the amount of time you want to spend with her, then it is her decision on how to deal with it. She will adjust to it, even if it means breaking up with you.

 

Just because the two of you don't have the same thing in mind doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, but it may mean you two don't have or no longer have what it takes to hold together a working relationship.

 

If you are being true to yourself and your feelings and you are not playing games or trying to manipulate her, then whatever she chooses to do will be easier for you to deal with. I say easier, because loosing someone you care about is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. But, if you two are not compatible, for whatever reason, then maybe it is best that each of you go your separate ways.

 

Six years is a considerable amount of time to be with the same person. I believe it is ample time to find out if you want to be with someone for a longer period of time. Many marriages don't last close to that long. Consider your achievements together to this point a success.

 

To keep someone hanging around just for the sake of having them around is selfish. If you know they want something different than you do or if they have clearly stated what they want and you can't or won't give it, then be honest with them and let them make the choice that they think is best for them. From what you described in this post and your other recent posts, it seems she is ready to move toward a different phase of her life. A phase which includes more committed relationships that will inevitably require spending more time together...not less.

 

There is no time better than the present for you live your life the way you want to live it and make choices for yourself instead of leaving the decisions up to someone else. Be active and deliberate, not reactive and victimized.

[ok]

The basic problem is that she loves you and wants to get closer, you know, move the relationship to a new level. And you want more time to play video games and hang with your friends.

 

You two are in different places right now. Unfortunately, this could be a deal killer for the both of you.

[Adam]

As stated by Tony, I will try to give some details on why she wanted to break up with me.

 

She thinks that I am selfish sometimes, I would rather do things with my friends than I would with her. She thinks that I am not ready for committment and that she can't wait as long as I would like to to get married. She says that we are on two levels in our life and she does not want to wait forever to get her life started.

 

For the most part, she is right about the whole committment thing. Even though we have been going out for 6 years, I still want my freedom. I do not have any other girls in mind, but I still just want to be able to do my own thing often. I don't want to have to "report" to anyone if I decide to have a few beers after work, for example.

 

Also, whenever she comes to break up, she has her mind set and lets me know this. However, we have an emotional talk about things and she always changes her mind. That leads me to believe that she is too unstable in the fact that she would be willing to break up with me and then automatically change her mind after 1 talk. That is another thing that I really hate. She seems to use breaking up as a weapon and for that reason, it has gotten me scared to tell her my true feelings.

 

Ultimately, I need to tell her how I feel. This would make me feel much better, I believe. I then would have to face the consequences and see what she does. Unfortunately, I believe that it would be the end.

[Tony T]

This lady is ready to settle down and you are a long ways from it. The timing is just wrong. You admit you are selfish and that's something you'll grow out of in five to ten years. Meanwhile, it won't make for a good long term relationship.

 

Do yourself an favor and let her break up like she wants to so she can find someone she's more compatible with.

[Adam]

I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes I think that it would be better for us to break up and other times, I think that I could enjoy us being together. I am too damn wishy washy! I would tell her that we are not compatible and let her go, but I do not know for sure if this is the case.

 

I am not 100% sure that that would be the right thing to do and that is why I always think twice about breaking up. I suppose if the time comes up again that she wants to break up, I will not put up a fight. I have done this too many times and if she really wants to break it off, then I suppose she will be happier.

 

I will see how it goes, but right now, I don't know.

 

Thanks all for the advice.

[Angel]

She is at a completely different place than you are. There is nothing more hurtful to a woman than to be with a man that long and for him not to want to marry her. You are a very young man and if you are feeling that you need space, you should break up so that she can move on. And, oh yes indeed it will be extremely painful, for both of you. That is part of growing up. Don't hurt yourself or her by remaining together. Good luck with your decicion.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 6 years now. I am 22 and a Senior in college and she is 23 and has been out on her own for 1 year now. She lives by herself and I have two roomates. She is a great girlfriend that I enjoy being with, but sometimes it feels like she is smothering me lately. This has been going on for probably 3 or more months now. She calls everyday at least once, usually 2-3 times, she randomly comes over maybe two times a week whenever we don't have anything planned, etc. I believe since she lives by herself and she doesn't really have a hobby, she just doesn't have anything else to do but to see me. I, on the other hand, love doing things on my computer and doing things with my rooomates and friends. I don't know if I should feel this way or not. Since we have been going out for such a long time, it seems like I should be glad that she wants to spend so much time with me, but I don't. Is this wrong? I want my space. However, I want to see her because I do love her and we have a fun time together, but I would just like those times to be a little farther apart. I would like maybe 3-4 times a week to see her. Do you think that I am selfish? I have not told her this because I am scared. She has been having some problems with our relationship in the past month and she has tried to break up with me twice now. She would come over and tell me that it is over, then I would start crying and convince her to stay. We did this twice this month and this is the reason why I don't want to tell her this. I am afraid that we will break up. I, myself, don't think that I want to do this and go through all of post break up trauma. Could anyone lend a helping hand and possibly give me some insight on what I should do here? I really do think that I need to tell her how I feel, but since I am not that good with words, I will probably make things worse and make her feel horrible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated..

 

Thanks. Adam