konfuzd Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 I have a male friend (I have a major crush on, but he's healing from a LTR that recently ended). We met about a month ago. In the beginning we would talk 2-3 times a day and saw eachother every day for about 2 wks. Then I went back home for 2 weeks. I saw him a couple days before I left, he asked me to call him on my last night in town, although I was busy packing and stuff, I made time for a quick 5 minute phone call and everything was great. The day after I arrived, he txt'd me to make sure I got there alright, I replied. We talked on msn once while I was away and everything seemed fine. He normally works 7 days on 7 days off, he told me since I was out of town, he would just work through his normal days off. I got home friday night, tried calling him saturday to let him know I was home, and never heard back from him until this morning. Very odd considering how much we talked before and he had all day saturday off. He said he was really tired, so I offered to have him over for dinner tonight (I was having a few friends over anyway). I thought it would be nice for him to have a good, homecooked meal. He said he had a lot to do, so he would hussle to get it done so he could come. I then asked him to call me later, to which he replied, "Will do". He was on msn all day, so I messaged him at 4:30, "dinner is at 5:30, or you can just come for dessert at 6:30 if you want". It's now 9:20 and I have heard nothing from him. I had gone out of my way to make an extra portion of dinner and an extra dessert for him. I'm kind of upset right now. This is not the first time this has happened to me (different guy though). I don't understand it, why do guys do that? Why could he not just call and tell me he can't come? Is it really that hard to pick up a phone? His msn has been set to 'online' all day, and he couldn't even send a quick note? Do I confront him on this? How do I tell him I think he was very rude without coming off as being a nag? Link to post Share on other sites
Lights Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 That is pretty damn rude of him. I've been stood up before, but this definitely was a lot of effort on your part. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you. Unless this was a serious extenuating circumstance, I can only say I wish you good luck in finding men who are more respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 Thanks Lights. I appriciate your input, but I'm still confused. I didn't hear from him all day monday, then first thing this morning (tuesday) I get a txt message, just pretty much saying "good morning". No mention about dinner on Sunday. I haven't replied, not sure if I should mention anything. I don't think it's a big enough issue to end a friendship over, but I still want to let him know that I didn't appriciate his actions without coming off as being possessive or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 Ok, so he called and apologized... Lame excuse about being tired and running errands, at least he knew he was in the wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Thanks Lights. I appriciate your input, but I'm still confused. I didn't hear from him all day monday, then first thing this morning (tuesday) I get a txt message, just pretty much saying "good morning". No mention about dinner on Sunday. I haven't replied, not sure if I should mention anything. I don't think it's a big enough issue to end a friendship over, but I still want to let him know that I didn't appriciate his actions without coming off as being possessive or anything. I would not mention it, just play it cool, maybe his is afraid of being around other people that are close to you, or maybe he just wants to get to know you better and is taking it slow... Link to post Share on other sites
moman Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Ok, so he called and apologized... Lame excuse about being tired and running errands, at least he knew he was in the wrong. What he did was wrong. Give him another chance but mention that he better not blow it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Almost Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Yeah that's weird, he should have called and said he couldn't make it. He probably wanted to come but was too busy and for whatever reason didn't call. Sounds like he's just wrapped up in whatever else is going on and is a little too self absorbed. I kind of do that sometimes, but usually what happens is I show up late. If its a group party its no big deal, but if its just you and him and you're waiting, that's bad. I've learned to call and say if I'm going to be late or if I can't make it. He needs to realize that other people's time is just as valuable as his and its rude not to call, or to make plans and then just blow them off. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Sorry to be kind of blunt but you only ever forget to call someone when they don't mean all that much to you. I'm not saying feelings with this guy can't grow over time, but at this moment you feel WAY more for him than he does for you. Link to post Share on other sites
sexy_T-Bear_ny83 Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I think your making to big of a deal over this. you said the man just came out of a relation ship right? also this was'nt some romantic evaning between just the two of you, you said other people would be there right? also you said he doe'nt evan know how you feel. you are most defenatly Over reacting. You are just frinds at this piont and only have been friends for like a month you need to take it easy. and if you really want to get it off you chest than just make a Lil sarcastic remark about it to see what his reaction is. thats about the only safe way to do it? But i dont recommanded it. just play it cool. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Why didn't you just call him up and ask "what happened last Saturday? I thought you were coming round." From your perspective, it was a nice meal in a relaxing environment (your home) with relaxing company (your friends). He mightn't see it as such a chilled out prospect if he doesn't know your other friends very well and had just got home from working 7 days on the trot. On the other hand, I agree that it was rude of him not to phone up and cancel if he couldn't/didn't want to come round. Link to post Share on other sites
Loserdude Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 It's now 9:20 and I have heard nothing from him. I had gone out of my way to make an extra portion of dinner and an extra dessert for him. I'm kind of upset right now. This is not the first time this has happened to me (different guy though). I don't understand it, why do guys do that? Why could he not just call and tell me he can't come? Is it really that hard to pick up a phone? His msn has been set to 'online' all day, and he couldn't even send a quick note? Do I confront him on this? How do I tell him I think he was very rude without coming off as being a nag? I myself am guilty of exactly that. And you know when I do it? In either of two situations: 1) the woman gives even the slightest bit of pressure; or 2) when i feel obligated to call and I don't want to (I realize these are roughly the same). I know it's stupid, but this is why, IMHO, women should not ask guys out more than once, and maybe not at all. The best dating relationships i have had are with women who don't call me unless I call them, and when I do, I do the asking. Sounds stupid and illogical I know, but it's how it's been. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Thank you all for the input. I decided to take the advice of the majority and let it slide. All I mentioned was that we had a great night, and it was his loss for not coming, and that I enjoyed his portion of the dessert... Things seem to be okay, we hung out the other night. He was totally sending out all kinds of flirtation vibes, (finding excuses to touch me, asking me to stay after his other friends left, etc..) but I just kept it all on a very low key level, and ignored the signals, it was tough, but I think it's for the best, at least for now. Men can be so frustrating! Link to post Share on other sites
Lights Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I know it's stupid, but this is why, IMHO, women should not ask guys out more than once, and maybe not at all. The best dating relationships i have had are with women who don't call me unless I call them, and when I do, I do the asking. Sounds stupid and illogical I know, but it's how it's been. I couldn't disagree more. I think it's irrelevant who asks whom out, or even whether there's a romantic interest of any kind between anyone. If someone makes a time to meetup of any kind wherein individual absences cause critical loss of utility (e.g. throw a party of 50 people and it's no big deal if 5 don't show and 10 come late even without any notice. If two out of four people on a road trip are mysteriously missing, the trip loses a significant amount of its value. If one's date stands one up, the event is pretty much ruined.), it's just plain ordinary courtesy in my book to warn the other(s) ahead of time if one cannot show up. Konfuzd, I'm sorry I can't offer any real advice, but I guess you've been doing what you can about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 it's just plain ordinary courtesy in my book to warn the other(s) ahead of time if one cannot show up. That's very true, but in the last few years, I've discovered that common courtesy is lacking in today's society. It kind of dissapoints me, as I was raised better than that. It's too bad, but also refreshing to know there are people like you, and some of the other posters who still feel this way. Maybe one day I can find one outside of cyberspace... Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I have to say that EVERY SINGLE TIME I took the intiative with calls, asking guys out etc, it ended up being major disaster. They would half heartedly agree at first only to dissapear within weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Almost Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sorry to be kind of blunt but you only ever forget to call someone when they don't mean all that much to you. I'm not saying feelings with this guy can't grow over time, but at this moment you feel WAY more for him than he does for you. That is mostly true, but simplistic and not the whole story. Part of it is often something like what Loserdude says below. The guy might be subconsiously sabotaging the relationship for some reason, such as lack of self esteem or something. I myself am guilty of exactly that. And you know when I do it? In either of two situations: 1) the woman gives even the slightest bit of pressure; or 2) when i feel obligated to call and I don't want to (I realize these are roughly the same). Link to post Share on other sites
Almost Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I have to say that EVERY SINGLE TIME I took the intiative with calls, asking guys out etc, it ended up being major disaster. They would half heartedly agree at first only to dissapear within weeks. Well now you know what it's like to be a guy! Hey, it's a numbers game, you just have to keep trying and not get so down because one guy doesn't work out or rejects you. It's his loss. There are a lot of other fish in the ocean. etc, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 Thanks Almost. I just don't think I'm going to do much asking out anymore. If a guy likes me he will have to do the pursuing. I guess some girls have naturally dominant personalities and do well in the role of pursuer. I'm not one of them. But if I like a guy, I will make it very obvious and extremly easy for him. I don't play games or play hard to get when things are progressing naturally. It's only when I sense some resistance from the guy that I can get defensive. Also when it comes to dating, simplistic view is usually the best. When you overanalyze things you tend to see what you want to see, when in 95% of the cases things are very clear cut and there is no need to complicate them. Link to post Share on other sites
Loserdude Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I couldn't disagree more. I think it's irrelevant who asks whom out, or even whether there's a romantic interest of any kind between anyone. If someone makes a time to meetup of any kind wherein individual absences cause critical loss of utility (e.g. throw a party of 50 people and it's no big deal if 5 don't show and 10 come late even without any notice. If two out of four people on a road trip are mysteriously missing, the trip loses a significant amount of its value. If one's date stands one up, the event is pretty much ruined.), it's just plain ordinary courtesy in my book to warn the other(s) ahead of time if one cannot show up. Konfuzd, I'm sorry I can't offer any real advice, but I guess you've been doing what you can about this. It's totally relevant who asks whom out - maybe not in every situation but it has to do with how we are made up - biologically and socialized. It's my opinion but it for sure is relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Loserdude Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I have to say that EVERY SINGLE TIME I took the intiative with calls, asking guys out etc, it ended up being major disaster. They would half heartedly agree at first only to dissapear within weeks. Exactly. It has to do with how men and women view the whole dating thing. I used to like when girls would ask - but then, in cases when I wasn't interested, they wouldn't stop and it would get really bothersome which is why now, I just don't like it at all. It's like the book (sort of), "He's just not that into you" If a guy likes you, you'll know. Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 oh man, is that such a guy thing [sorry about the generalization]. one of the things i have noticed about 'the forgetting to call problem' is that, it is ususally not done on purpose - but is partly a result of the transition from being single to being in a relationship. sometimes we guys think that the 'common courtesy' switch we had in past relastionships is still on, then when you are single for a while, and accountable only to yourself, you forget that it gets turned off - in most cases one or two reminders to the bloke that HELLLO! THIS IS A RELATIONSHIP HERE! does the trick. i have been guilty of this in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 I talked to him online today, and as much as I wanted to see him, I didn't ask him out. I thought I'd take all your advice, I just left it with, "call me later, or tomorrow" His response "Will do!!!" So, now I play the waiting game... oh joy... Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 Good luck Konf. Remember, if he is interested he will call, if he is not you don't want him. You deserve better than settling for someone who has "barely there-meh-maybe-half baked" interest in you. And speaking from experience you can waste a LOT of time on those types of guys. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I used to like when girls would ask - but then, in cases when I wasn't interested, they wouldn't stop and it would get really bothersome which is why now, I just don't like it at all. Well in my case ,I was never flat out rejected. The guy would agree, go on a few dates with me and just put NO effort into anything. I would have to do 90% of the calling, organizing etc. Then when questioned they would just say that I sort of forced them into going out with me and they weren't that interested in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
Cheshire Cat Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I think you handled the situation in a really cool way. (and I agree with other posters that it is just common courtesy to warn ahead of time if you are not showing up *expecially* if someone has been doing extra cooking work for you!) Let us know if he calls you. If he "forgets" to, perhaps it's your turn to forget. Him. Link to post Share on other sites
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