The "Importance of Personal Confidence" Thread

[riobikini]

It just keeps coming up, again and again -that "confidence" issue- so I figure it's big enough, and important enough, that one more thread on the subject probably can't hurt.

 

Below I've typed in a few of the categories turning up often in the site asking for advice related to confidence.

 

Since these seem to be the ones appearing most frequently in LS that are most likely to have questions concerning personal confidence issues, I'd like to see this thread used to discuss each of the categories within the respective context.

 

1. Teens who are beginning to date.
    
   
2. Young adults who have had little dating/relationship experience, want to be more successful with it, but feel unsure or intimidated by it.
    
   
3. Those of any age who have been in some kind of meaningful relationship (to them) where they were rejected, and that ended.
   

 

Of course, I realize there are probably more categories that could be developed, but these are just the ones I see most.

 

Generally speaking, I think personal confidence *is* important -the results of a confident personality are displayed in everything from your wardrobe to your vocabulary; your friendships to your romantic life; your choice of recreation to your career and income level.

 

I also believe that personal confidence is built -block by block- over time, through your perception and handling of experiences with others.

 

It has a great deal with how (and by whom) you were brought up, and the people who were close enough to you to have influence.

 

Maybe you didn't realize it then -but how your family communicated (or failed to communicate) -or how each of them stood up for, and defended their personal boundaries (or didn't) -had significant impact on your own communication skills and boundary development, and which now impact your personal confidence quotient.

 

What does communication skill and boundary development have to do with personal confidence?

 

A lot.

 

In order to have either one of them, you have to overcome a milestone of, at least, some level of fear, and/or intimidation (remember standing up to your big brother, or winning the gold cup in track at your high school?) -and being successful with that (even in the tiniest increments) causes the formation of that first important seed of confidence: the one that says you are important enough to be acknowledged, heard, understood, and respected as a human being.

 

And, in a family, especially -all that is related to the degree of caring between each of it's members. You learn to reciprocate it, and rely upon it.

 

Then you take it to the big world outside.

 

There, it's different.

 

Because not everyone has the exact same experience to date, as you, in regards to how their confidence was developed and fostered, it may feel like you are starting over.

 

Actually, you're only building on what you've learned so far.

 

And if what you've learned so far has failed to produce a pretty good sketch of a well-rounded, well-perceived picture of your self-worth, your past demonstrated ability to contribute, as well as skill to draw from your past good experiences in being successful in coping with intimidation and fear- you'll probably encounter some mild-to-major problems.

 

Withdrawing (or "giving up"/ "quitting") isn't the answer -doing that only boxes you in, stumps you, frustrates you or makes you sarcastic or bitter, isolates you, and robs you of far better life experiences.

 

I think it's best to start over -start from square one, where the seed of confidence didn't get planted in deep enough, or was never nurtured- and in some cases, was malformed, long ago.

 

That may mean digging up old hurts and sifting through that ever-growing pile of much-less-than-ideal experiences that you've been trying to ignore, and having to truly face them, once and for all.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean confronting face-to-face those whom you believe contributed to your impairment, but it does mean that you have to acknowledge where the problem first began.

 

Because true personal confidence is something that is so crucial to how successful we are in all aspects of our lives (relationships, lifestyle, financial, etc.) it is not something we can ignore for very long -it directly affects how happy we are.

 

Building a healthy confidence is something that starts as a seed and takes a lifetime to grow.

 

Hope this helps someone and I look forward to checking back for responses.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[Ross_K]

So you're saying that to build general confidence (and this is what women are attracted to right?) means facing up to intimidating situations and being succesful with them?

[noxnoctisangela]

I have read that in many books in facing what you fear and over coming them really does help you out alot but what about those who have already boxed themselfs up b/c their friends and family has pretty much abondon them?

[riobikini]

I think it's best to start small, Ross -then you work up to things that are more challenging.

 

Do you drive? There's a good example.

 

The first time anyone tries anything new, they are dealing with an unknown (to them) experience.

 

You muster up the "nerve", you take the challenge, you examine your results -then you analyze your experience and what knowledge you've gained.

 

You embark upon the next step: challenging *yourself* -what you've learned- and you attempt to build upon that.

 

-Rio

[Ross_K]

No I don't drive. I was taking driving lessons at one time though.

 

So, for me to get general confidence I guess I'd need to start doing things which are challenges where I know I've got a decent chance in being successful (otherwise if you keep falling flat on your face surely it'll just lower your confidence even more)

 

The thing is I can't really think of any challenges where I need to muster up ther nerve and where I know there's a really decent chance I'll be successful.

[riobikini]

Ross, in building confidence, it helps to have a good "mentor", or role model.

 

Some people have confidence problems that stem way back to a much earlier time in their lives when such a "mentor" (parent or other) was not available (or did not do such a good job as a role model) to generate and nuture the seed of confidence that starts building at a very, very young age.

 

(I personally believe that much more than we want to admit actually begins in the womb).

 

And by the way -while you may not drive, yet- you are pretty good at communication (Smile).

 

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Thought: make a list of things you *are* good at.

 

Then advance them.

 

-Rio

[Ross_K]

Lol, okay.

 

Btw, what do you mean by advancing them?

[riobikini]

If a kid begins learning to ride a bike with training wheels, there's usually a day ahead when he'll feel confident enough to remove them.

 

After he has practiced. After he has learned he can actually survive a tumble or two.

 

That's advancement.

 

-Rio

[Ross_K]

Ah right, I get what you mean.

 

That's actually a good idea. I'll look into it.

[riobikini]

Actually, Ross, I've looked through a number of your threads/responses, and I think you are much more confident (and certainly more intelligently perceptive) in regards to the issues you bring up.

 

I think you are doing much better than we think.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Ross_K]

Yeah, I'd definatley say I'm confident in almost everything I've been talking about on this site.

 

Thanks, rio.

[stoopid_guy]

So, for me to get general confidence I guess I'd need to start doing things which are challenges where I know I've got a decent chance in being successful (otherwise if you keep falling flat on your face surely it'll just lower your confidence even more)

A key to confidence is also learning that failure is not usually a big deal. It doesn't make you a lesser person. Half the people who play chess loose. People still play chess and have fun at it.

[Ross_K]

Yeah but what if you fail in a bad way?

 

When I was thinking of failure I was thinking of things like trying to chat a girl up and ending up making a fool of myself. Or going out to a club hoping to end up getting a girl only to get made fun of or get told I'm ugly.

 

Things like this have happened before.

[stoopid_guy]

Yeah but what if you fail in a bad way?

 

When I was thinking of failure I was thinking of things like trying to chat a girl up and ending up making a fool of myself. Or going out to a club hoping to end up getting a girl only to get made fun of or get told I'm ugly.

 

Things like this have happened before.

And you're still alive, and a little wiser. You don't want to fail in a bad way if you're learning to walk a high-wire, or mix explosives, or parachute, but with women? You're not going to impress them all, but the ones you don't impress aren't going to throw rocks at you or anything either. Go for it!

[Ross_K]

I just can't go through those kinds of negative situations, you don't understand what they do to me inside, a big part of why it makes me feel bad is because it makes me feel like a total loser, because it seems like this sort of stuff doesn't happen to most other people, only people with really low social status's. I think this is the main reason why I have social anxiety, I'm scared of experiencing these kinds of things.

[stoopid_guy]

I just can't go through those kinds of negative situations, you don't understand what they do to me inside, a big part of why it makes me feel bad is because it makes me feel like a total loser, because it seems like this sort of stuff doesn't happen to most other people, only people with really low social status's. I think this is the main reason why I have social anxiety, I'm scared of experiencing these kinds of things.

It happens to everyone, and will always happen. Yup, it hurts when you show interest and they don't return it, but it feels great when they do!

 

What's the difference between being alone because you can't find someone and being alone because you won't look for someone? The difference is that "can't find" is will eventually find, where "won't look" will never find.

 

Don't be afraid of failure, be afraid of not trying.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

I don't buy the idea of confidence being fostered by external factors.

 

But, I do believe that when children are: important enough to be acknowledged, heard, understood, and respected as a human being... they turn out to be better adjusted and independent.

 

(I know my son keeps getting kicked out of guilds in the World of Warcraft for not complying to the rules and taking sht)

 

Ariadne

[dgiirl]

When I was thinking of failure I was thinking of things like trying to chat a girl up and ending up making a fool of myself. Or going out to a club hoping to end up getting a girl only to get made fun of or get told I'm ugly.

 

Things like this have happened before.

 

Ross, how old was this girl who made fun of you or told you you were ugly? Were those her exact words, or have you over-exagerated what she said to you? I find it really hard to believe someone would be so cruel to another person. And this says a lot more about the person who SAID it than the receiver. If this was said in your past, let it go. There are a whole bunch of different people out there and you just got unlucky and ran into a really mean person. Dont take what she said to heart. You're allowing her to ruin your life because you are repeating her words over and over and over again. She's probably doesnt even remember the situation now, and yet you're picking up the pieces, punishing yourself and being cruel to yourself. Remember, not everything is about you! Sometimes other people are the ones with serious problems, not you.

 

There's a difference between telling a guy "Sorry, I'm not interested" and purposefully making fun of a guy and cutting him down in size in public. We ALL get rejected, we all at one point or another have feelings that go unreciprocated. In fact, as we speak, I have a feeling I'm getting stood up for a date I was suppose to have tonight. Oh well, c'est la vie The trick is not to allow those "failures" to define us, and still keep on moving. Because of this one dude, should I live my life in solitude? Self-confidence is allowing yourself to believe that you're still a good catch, even if it's not for this person. Even if it seems naive and foolish, sometimes we are allowed to indulge in self-praise.

[SmoochieFace]

Ross, it might help to look at it this way. Those who make fun of you probably are quite insecure themselves and their behaviour is a reflection of THEM, not YOU.

 

Mockery is a tactic employed by those who have 'issues'... don't allow their 'issues' to become your 'issues'. Don't sweat it.

[SmoochieFace]

I just can't go through those kinds of negative situations, you don't understand what they do to me inside, a big part of why it makes me feel bad is because it makes me feel like a total loser, because it seems like this sort of stuff doesn't happen to most other people, only people with really low social status's. I think this is the main reason why I have social anxiety, I'm scared of experiencing these kinds of things.

 

You're never going to grow as a person if you persist in having this attitude.

 

Life is all about taking chances, failing once in a while, and picking yourself up and trying again. How do you expect to grow if you never allow yourself to take any chances?

[riobikini]

Ross, even for a person not affected with anxiety disorder, the accummulation of many disappointments and, either, real or perceived failures -one right after the other- in a short span of time can be devastating to confidence.

 

A person can be perfectly confident in regards to certain things he/she may *absolutely know* that they can acheive/do/or accomplish -but in other things -things that leave them like a fish out of water and gasping for their natural environment- they may experience a good deal of anxiety over confidence issues.

 

That anxiety may cause you to doubt having ever been "good" at anything, or cause you to question the worth and value of your past accomplishments, and discourage further attempts to try again by seeming to mock you, emphasizing your present state of emotion, and directing you to focus only on your fear of failure and, eventually, causing a deep, lingering withdrawal period from even the least challenge.

 

Conceding to failure or a perception of failure can only lead you downwards far below your normal confidence level.

 

And it's difficult to get back up on top of things -a real struggle- a battle to "take back" territory that you've already proven belongs to you.

 

They say you have "nothing to fear, but fear, itself" -and there's truth in that.

 

The fear is normally worse than any failure that could ever occur.

 

Assuming that someone suffering from anxiety disorder is on medications -and that they are being taken properly, and are working- some of the frightened feeling regarding the unknown outcome of a small challenge should be alleviated or subdued enough to make some headway past the threshold of the initial fear.

 

Coaching methods to help are available from just about any professional counselor or therapist.

 

I hope some of this has been helpful to you, Ross.

 

As for being told you were "ugly" -I was told I was "ugly" for most of my younger years (up until my sister gave me my very first compliment and told me I was pretty, when I was way past caring and in my teenage years).

 

Point: it takes someone who truly loves you, to see how beautiful you really are.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Pyro]

I just can't go through those kinds of negative situations, you don't understand what they do to me inside, a big part of why it makes me feel bad is because it makes me feel like a total loser, because it seems like this sort of stuff doesn't happen to most other people, only people with really low social status's. I think this is the main reason why I have social anxiety, I'm scared of experiencing these kinds of things.

 

Rejection happens to each and everyone of us. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen to anyone else. You need to have the confident attitude. Whenever the next time occurs that you get rejected by a girl, you need to say to yourself "its her loss" and continue on. After the rejection, think about how you approached her and think about what you may have done to decrease your chances to talk to her more and learn from those errors and try again with the next girl. There is nothing wrong with rejection. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

[Ross_K]

It happens to everyone, and will always happen. Yup, it hurts when you show interest and they don't return it, but it feels great when they do!

 

What's the difference between being alone because you can't find someone and being alone because you won't look for someone? The difference is that "can't find" is will eventually find, where "won't look" will never find.

 

Don't be afraid of failure, be afraid of not trying.

 

I'm not just talking about them not returning the interest, it's the being laughed in the face part or being looked at like I'm crazy to even think I'd have a chance with them part that hurts.

[Ross_K]

Ross, how old was this girl who made fun of you or told you you were ugly? Were those her exact words, or have you over-exagerated what she said to you? I find it really hard to believe someone would be so cruel to another person. And this says a lot more about the person who SAID it than the receiver. If this was said in your past, let it go. There are a whole bunch of different people out there and you just got unlucky and ran into a really mean person. Dont take what she said to heart. You're allowing her to ruin your life because you are repeating her words over and over and over again. She's probably doesnt even remember the situation now, and yet you're picking up the pieces, punishing yourself and being cruel to yourself. Remember, not everything is about you! Sometimes other people are the ones with serious problems, not you.

 

There's a difference between telling a guy "Sorry, I'm not interested" and purposefully making fun of a guy and cutting him down in size in public. We ALL get rejected, we all at one point or another have feelings that go unreciprocated. In fact, as we speak, I have a feeling I'm getting stood up for a date I was suppose to have tonight. Oh well, c'est la vie The trick is not to allow those "failures" to define us, and still keep on moving. Because of this one dude, should I live my life in solitude? Self-confidence is allowing yourself to believe that you're still a good catch, even if it's not for this person. Even if it seems naive and foolish, sometimes we are allowed to indulge in self-praise.

 

Oh it's happened with girls from about the age of 15 to their early 20's, I don't know if older ones would do it because 've not really been on a night out or socialised since the age of about 24.

 

And yes, those were her exact words.

 

A lot of fgirls where I live are very shallow and nasty, and will only be interested in 'cool alpha males' or someone who is inceredibly handsome.