The "Importance of Personal Confidence" Thread

[Ross_K]

Ross, it might help to look at it this way. Those who make fun of you probably are quite insecure themselves and their behaviour is a reflection of THEM, not YOU.

 

Mockery is a tactic employed by those who have 'issues'... don't allow their 'issues' to become your 'issues'. Don't sweat it.

 

Yeah but it is a reflection of me. Because I'm sure this kind of thing only happens to complete losers so if it's happening to me than I must have some total low social status or something, I must come across as a complete loser to everyone. An easy target to be made fun of.

[Ross_K]

Rejection happens to each and everyone of us. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen to anyone else. You need to have the confident attitude. Whenever the next time occurs that you get rejected by a girl, you need to say to yourself "its her loss" and continue on. After the rejection, think about how you approached her and think about what you may have done to decrease your chances to talk to her more and learn from those errors and try again with the next girl. There is nothing wrong with rejection. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

 

Like I said though, it's not really the rejection, it's the way I've sometimes been rejected.

[Pyro]

Like I said though, it's not really the rejection, it's the way I've sometimes been rejected.

 

I can guarantee you that we all have some horror stories in terms of rejection. Honestly though, I use to fear rejection as well, but just remember that there are tons and tons of women out there. Some will reject you and some will not. You can't please them all. Just think of a rejection as a hurdle to get over in order to get to a woman that will not reject you.

[stoopid_guy]

I'm not just talking about them not returning the interest, it's the being laughed in the face part or being looked at like I'm crazy to even think I'd have a chance with them part that hurts.

There's a lot of women you don't have a chance with, just accept it. As Riddler said; "It's their loss." And let them laugh. Who cares?

 

You don't want to be "cold," but you shouldn't care so much about what they think. The thing is, somewhere out there is a sweet lady who will appreciate you, and she might be wondering why no nice guys ever approach her. You're job is to brave the dragons until you find her.

[Ross_K]

I guess. It just doesn't seem like it's possible for any woman on the planet to want me though.

 

I will try when I've sorted myself and my life out more first. In fact I'll try everything and anything.

[riobikini]

re:

 

SG: " ...somewhere out there is a sweet lady who will appreciate you, and she might be wondering why no nice guys ever approach her. You're job is to brave the dragons until you find her. "

 

One of the nicest, truest observations made in this thread -and great advice to anyone waiting, wondering when their moment will happen.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Pyro]

I guess. It just doesn't seem like it's possible for any woman on the planet to want me though.

.

 

You sound just like how I use to.

 

As you throw yourself out there more and more, it will be easier for you. I assure you, and like SG said, why care what the women think that reject you? You don't have to worry about talking to them again, so pay no attention to them.

[SmoochieFace]

Yeah but it is a reflection of me. Because I'm sure this kind of thing only happens to complete losers so if it's happening to me than I must have some total low social status or something, I must come across as a complete loser to everyone. An easy target to be made fun of.

 

Why are you 'sure' that this only happens to 'losers'? Please explain how you came to this conclusion.

[Ross_K]

That's what I need to do. To just try and not give a **** about how people treat me. I'd probably have 90% of my problems solved if I could manage that.

 

I just wish I knew how.

[Pyro]

That's what I need to do. To just try and not give a **** about how people treat me. I'd probably have 90% of my problems solved if I could manage that.

 

I just wish I knew how.

 

For me, it just came with the experience as I got older and I talked to alot of different people and they all basically told me the same thing along the lines of life is too short to worry about what complete strangers think about you, especially ones that you don't have to deal with.

[SmoochieFace]

That's what I need to do. To just try and not give a **** about how people treat me. I'd probably have 90% of my problems solved if I could manage that.

 

I just wish I knew how.

 

You need to quit caring about what others think of you. Quit being self-conscious and just live your life on your terms. Do what YOU want to do... nothing wrong with that as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others.

 

Listen, the way I live I don't give a rat's ass what others think. I am a nonconformist and I do my own thang. If others don't like it... whoopie ****!

 

You have to find something(s) about yourself to like and be happy about. Once you do that you can build upon it.

[dgiirl]

Oh it's happened with girls from about the age of 15 to their early 20's, I don't know if older ones would do it because 've not really been on a night out or socialised since the age of about 24.

 

Ross, this is your problem right here. You are making assumptions on your luck with women based on experiences that happened when you were a kid. Kid's are cruel. But you cannot be afraid of rejection based on what a child would do. They didnt have the knowledge or experience to realize how their actions can affect other people. I highly highly doubt any woman over the age of 25 will laugh in your face or call you ugly. She might not be interested, but if she has ANY class, she'll let you down gently. You cannot live in the past, and although it was hurtful, you have to let it go. You have no clue if women are interested in you or not because you havent even tried! You are making assumptions on atleast 6 years old data, and as people get older, they become more compassionate and wiser.

[SmoochieFace]

Ross, this is your problem right here. You are making assumptions on your luck with women based on experiences that happened when you were a kid. Kid's are cruel. But you cannot be afraid of rejection based on what a child would do. They didnt have the knowledge or experience to realize how their actions can affect other people. I highly highly doubt any woman over the age of 25 will laugh in your face or call you ugly. She might not be interested, but if she has ANY class, she'll let you down gently. You cannot live in the past, and although it was hurtful, you have to let it go. You have no clue if women are interested in you or not because you havent even tried! You are making assumptions on atleast 6 years old data, and as people get older, they become more compassionate and wiser.

 

Correct.

 

Ross, you need to try chatting up women closer to your age... 30 or so. Stay away from women younger than that as they will possibly live up to your 'negative' expectations. Sure, you will still come across lousy ones even in your age group but they will be fewer, hopefully.

[Ross_K]

Ross, this is your problem right here. You are making assumptions on your luck with women based on experiences that happened when you were a kid. Kid's are cruel. But you cannot be afraid of rejection based on what a child would do. They didnt have the knowledge or experience to realize how their actions can affect other people. I highly highly doubt any woman over the age of 25 will laugh in your face or call you ugly. She might not be interested, but if she has ANY class, she'll let you down gently. You cannot live in the past, and although it was hurtful, you have to let it go. You have no clue if women are interested in you or not because you havent even tried! You are making assumptions on atleast 6 years old data, and as people get older, they become more compassionate and wiser.

 

I do have a clue if women are interested though, from the experience I've had since when I was a kid until know.

[Yamaha]

Ross,

Do you truly believe your ugly?

 

 

If I say your a handsome guy will you believe me or the girl who called you ugly? ( by the way. I'm not gay so don't think I'm hitting on you. )

[Ross_K]

Ross,

Do you truly believe your ugly?

 

 

If I say your a handsome guy will you believe me or the girl who called you ugly? ( by the way. I'm not gay so don't think I'm hitting on you. )

 

I don't know what to think of my looks.

 

In the mirror I think I look attractive, sometimes I think I look very attractive, but if I look at a reflection of my reflection (so I see myself the right way round which is how I'll look to everyone else) my face and head looks very assymetrical and ugly.

 

On photo's there's ones where again I think I look atractive to very attractive and ones where my face and head look very assymetrical and ugly.

 

I've also been told by people that I'm 'minging' (ugly) and other words to describe how I look ugly, and I've also been told by some people that I'm good looking.

 

Then there's also the fact that no woman has ever acted interested in me.

 

So I honestly don't know what to think of my looks. It's weird, because usually ugly people know they're ugly and nice looking people know they're nice looking.

[dgiirl]

There's more to a relationship than just the physical attraction, and my bet is it's more your manner and lack of confidence that scares women off than your actual physical looks.

 

When you see a woman that you are interested in, what goes through your head? What is your internal dialogue? Do you tell yourself she cant be interested because you're ugly?

[Lights]

Hi Riobikini. Thank you for having taken the time to write that thread out. This thread seems to have taken a form appearing to be more of a dialog between you and Ross_K; I will assume that since it is a public post that others are welcome to jump in. I would like your opinions.

 

A lot of your post is incredibly well-put, and describes a LOT of my life experience.

 

I understand your idea of building confidence block by block over time, but what does one do when one is stuck in a situation where one doesn't know how to make those blocks in question?

 

For an example, I can control quite well how much I might lift in the gym over time, and as a result I am confident in my ability to generate results as long as I choose to put in the time there. I do not, however, have any such abilities in my social life; most people will neither respond to me nor proactively strike up conversations, and I do not know how to build anything up to a point where I can have a reasonable expectation of success.

 

Regarding intimidation, I still do have significant fear of rejection, but I do actively go against it. Nevertheless, I don't ever seem to be getting any better at it or more confident about it. What would one do about this?

[riobikini]

re:

 

Lights: " I understand your idea of building confidence block by block over time, but what does one do when one is stuck in a situation where one doesn't know how to make those blocks in question?

 

For an example, I can control quite well how much I might lift in the gym over time, and as a result I am confident in my ability to generate results as long as I choose to put in the time there. I do not, however, have any such abilities in my social life; most people will neither respond to me nor proactively strike up conversations, and I do not know how to build anything up to a point where I can have a reasonable expectation of success."

 

 

 

First question first.

 

Lights, everything I've written here has come from either personal experience -or personal observation.

 

With that said, here's what I think concerning your question:

 

You start with the smallest things -just like when you first began to weight-lift, you certainly didn't start with the heavy stuff.

 

Begin by aiming for a non-spectacular kind of positive interaction with just *people* in general.

 

The best way I've found to create a positive, casual, and (possibly) forward-moving acquaintance with someone, is to say something appreciative of some talent, or skill they possess, or an effort made by them to do what's actually kind of expected, but rarely is appreciated -or a kind/polite gesture they've made that they think no one has noticed.

 

Everyone wants to be recognized and appreciated, even if it's in some small way, normally not expected to gain attention.

 

All it usually takes is a word or two -and a smile. Then you go on your way.

 

These small exercises sound insignificant and incapable of helping build confidence -but you only need to try them before you toss the idea.

 

No one is suggesting that you make a total goof of yourself by chatting it up for any length of time to a absolute stranger.

 

What I *am* suggesting, is that you practice *giving* a small bit of your positive self, in order to *get* something positive back.

 

Say "thank you" to somebody -earn a smile.

 

Smile a "thank you" to someone without saying a word.

 

Move your book from the seat next to you so someone can sit down; say "you're welcome" when he/she thanks you.

 

Practice.

 

You don't have to go overboard with it -as a matter of fact, you don't even have to have a large vocabulary to accomplish this exercise.

 

And -after whatever length of time it takes you to become comfortable with it- move up to using a sentence or two to advance the exercise.

 

Chances are, by the time you are comfortable with what you are doing, you'll be feeling something different from the people you have chosen to use as "practice" models -a kind of ease you never expected- and a surprise, especially with the way others are willing to be the one to start up a light conversation with you![/B]

 

That's because, your attitude will have begun to change and naturally signal to others how comfortable you are with what you are doing, and how you are responding.

 

So the whole focus becomes not so much on your previous anxiety in approaching others -but rather- how good you are feeling about the responses you are giving.

 

It's best to practice on storekeepers, salesgirls, anyone who holds a job they aren't used to being appreciated for. Try giving that bus seat to a pregnant mom, or someone with physical problems -they'll be more likely to respond in kind.

 

What can kill your success with this -and your progress?

 

Being too hasty to move on to the "babes" -targeting them for your "practice" way too soon for you to be doing so.

 

And that could set you way back -defeat you- and cause you to retreat.

 

Take it slow. Build up slowly. And don't let your excitement over your success cause you to stumble.

 

Next question:

 

re:

 

Lights: " Regarding intimidation, I still do have significant fear of rejection, but I do actively go against it. Nevertheless, I don't ever seem to be getting any better at it or more confident about it. What would one do about this?"

 

The answer to this is actually all about choosing a method that works best for you in getting over the threshold of initial fear of rejection -and you may try out many before you find one that really does a better job than the rest.

 

Some people say taking deep breaths and "psyching" yourself up (adrenaline) helps -but I think having taken the time to plan where you're going, whom it is possible to encounter there, and having practiced no more than a few polite words and a nice, casual exit, works best.

 

There's no need to be flamboyant here, and certainly no need to set the world on fire with your passionate speech.

 

I believe having a strong, supportive, and understanding mentor is also important -someone to keep you grounded, give advice, and keep the pressure low.

 

If he/she has a sense of humor that can provide an appropriate, and much-needed laugh or two, now and then -that would be worth it's weight in gold to you with all of this.

 

Someone to make you see humor where there is truly humor; and someone who knows when the silence is best.

 

Lights, I hope I have answered your questions -I have certainly tried. I want you to know that this thread is, indeed, open to anyone. I am only a poster here, and get far more than I contribute to this site.

 

But if what I -or anyone else has said helps you, then I guess it's serving a pretty admirable -and quite unexpected- purpose.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[fatty]

Hey,

 

I am try to take this topic in a different direction. I do not beleive in having my confidence or validation of my confidence coming from external factors. This was mentioned by a previous member.

 

The problem with that is when you are dependent on an external factor you completely handicap your ability to assure yourself that "I can do things on my own". When that external factor is gone you have no one else to depend on and fall even further into a depressive state. You try to fill that void by finding other things which will validate your confidence.

 

I beleive in gaining self confidence within yourself by failing smartly from actions. I have had not a great succes with this but I am trying as hard as I can to regain my self confidence. It is a tough and bumpy road but it is the on which will yield the best possible results.

 

I recommend reading the book "Fountain head" by Ayrn Rand. Great insight on idividualism thinking.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Fatty: " when you are dependent on an external factor you completely handicap your ability to assure yourself that "I can do things on my own". When that external factor is gone you have no one else to depend on and fall even further into a depressive state. You try to fill that void by finding other things which will validate your confidence.

 

I believe in gaining self confidence within yourself by failing smartly from actions. "

 

 

I agree with you, if what I'm reading from your post sounds like the comment below:

 

It's not confidence, at all, but rather silly pride and arrogance that's growing in you -and lying to you- if it was developed from relying heavily on *things* to make you feel good about yourself.

 

Confidence is having assurance -that even without the shiny car, material things, and other lifestyle "perks"- you'll be able to go to your mirror, peer inside, and think that's a pretty wonderful fellow (or gal) looking back at you.

 

Still, that kind of confidence *is* rooted in how successful you have been in some of your life experiences.

 

We simply *can't* get around how our environment, and the people we encounter are capable of contributing to the shaping of particular outcomes, or the formation of our ideals.

 

Human beings are (for lack of better description) like complicated processing machines and, since our DNA has pre-determined what we have to work with- the "processing" part will be different for everyone.

 

A lot of our disorders/illnesses -like some of those we talk about in this forum quite often- and the social problems we may have to deal with because they are present, may be followed directly back to our DNA.

 

The external factors I believe you are talking about ( like drawing "confidence" from things, or deriving a sense of assurance from social position, or relying too heavily on the ideas and influence of others), only complicate disorders/ illnesses and make them worse, even though those "external factors" were probably as attractive as Christmas lights on a tree to a 2 year old in someone who had DNA that pre-determined the presence of a particular social disorder/illness.

 

And it's kind of like having to figure out the old "which came first?" quiz, (the chicken or the egg) in regards to any problems that arise.

 

So, of course, the issue of building confidence (as well as, possibly, problems with other things) will be a subject of ongoing concern for those particular people.

 

Figuring out *why* we do the stuff we do, and trying to come up with a way to combat what's already been determined is something we've been trying to do for a long time.

 

Except that many years ago, we didn't know *exactly* what we were fighting.

 

Now, we know the "egg" has more to do with it -more answers- than we thought. (Smile)

 

Hope this helps.

 

-Rio

[Ross_K]

There's more to a relationship than just the physical attraction, and my bet is it's more your manner and lack of confidence that scares women off than your actual physical looks.

 

When you see a woman that you are interested in, what goes through your head? What is your internal dialogue? Do you tell yourself she cant be interested because you're ugly?

 

I'll just know there's no way she'd be interested in me, and I'd just wish I could have her.

 

There's only one girl recently where it feels like for some reason she may be attracted to me, but I doubt it.

[dgiirl]

I'll just know there's no way she'd be interested in me, and I'd just wish I could have her.

 

There's only one girl recently where it feels like for some reason she may be attracted to me, but I doubt it.

 

See, you dont know _anything_ for sure. You're simply making assumptions. And it's slightly egotistical to assume what other's are thinking without asking them. Not everyone is mean and judgemental, and the thing you fear the most you are actually doing to others. You are judging others and thinking they are mean spirited people without even giving them a chance. Like I said before, not everything is about you. You need to stop focusing so much on you and how others percieve you and start focusing on others, watch them and try to empathize with how they might be feeling. Most people are self-centered, and once you realize this, you'll realize that even IF you make a fool of yourself, someone might notice for 10 seconds, but they soon forget. So if they forgot, why would you keep rehasing it over and over and over again?

[SmoochieFace]

There's only one girl recently where it feels like for some reason she may be attracted to me, but I doubt it.

 

She may have been but you didn't give yourself a chance to find out. come to think of it... you didn't give her a chance either.

 

You gotta just let it go. Take some chances. If they say no, so what? You wouldn't have lost anything anyway.

[Ross_K]

It's just obvious to me though. And I don't see why that makes me egotistical.

 

And I'm not thinking everyone is mean spirited without giving them a chance.