Should I take a shot at it and risk losing her friendship?

[blue16]

I've known this girl for over a year, and i've always had kind of a crush on her...but wasn't interested for reasons which I won't get into. Anyway, I've always thought she liked me but I never made a move. She has been single for a while, and so have I to be honest, I don't date that much.

 

So anyways this weekend this party we went to, this guy totally picked her up and they made out and everything. I was so jealous I could hardly stand it, in fact i almost left because it was hard to take. I kind of realized that I have feelings for her otherwise i wouldn't have been so jealous. Anyways, I ended up making out with her best friend...and then finally the girl i like came back after having been with the guy the whole nite. She was being very touchy feely, and said the guy was from out of town (phew for me) so it wasn't going anywhere. We kissed a little bit, she soon after found out i had hooked up with her best friend (who i am also friends with). Then we went with our group and she was still kind of all over me.

 

I've decided I wanna go out with her and give it a shot. I'm not sure what to do tho...cuz i don't know if i should be all like "hey do u wanna go out and see what happens?" or just kiss her and see how she responds, and then play it by ear. I don't know if she likes me or would go out with me, but i wanna take a shot and i'm willing to risk losing the friendship we have.

[mibs]

Ask her to dinner and movie and see how she responds.

[Yamaha]

but i wanna take a shot and i'm willing to risk losing the friendship we have.

 

So, what's the problem? If your willing to ask and handle what transpires then just go ahead and tell her you like her and would like to see her on a romantic level.

[magichands]

So, what's the problem? If your willing to ask and handle what transpires then just go ahead and tell her you like her and would like to see her on a romantic level.

I thought you were going to say that there is no escape from the friend zone. How refreshing.

[Yamaha]

I thought you were going to say that there is no escape from the friend zone. How refreshing.

 

Hey. I have no problem asking a friend out. He is willing to risk the friendship and that is refreshing.

[magichands]

Hey. I have no problem asking a friend out. He is willing to risk the friendship and that is refreshing.

Sorry...I must have been projecting my problems onto you. I need to stop doing that. Thanks for the bucket of water over the head.

[blue16]

Ok so I guess just straight up ask her if she wants to be more than friends and see where it goes is what i'll do...

 

I don't FEEL like i'm in the friends zone, but I hope it's the actual truth and not just wishful thinking. Also, I'm fully prepared to initiate no contact if she wants to be 'just friends.'

[magichands]

Good luck! And I have never thought that the "friend zone" is a real phenomenon, haha.

[blue16]

Update: Well I spilled the beans today...and I think I am getting the run around. Said she would really love to BUT...etc. She also mentioned that she thought I liked her best friend, which I did my best to deny and reassure her that there was nothing going on between us. Apparently she needs a day to soak it all in and think about it and then presumably she will let me know.

 

But I think she's already made up her mind...this is probably it for the two of us.

[magichands]

Well...I bet you're going to enjoy the next 24 hours. These are the risks we take - but there really wasn't an alternative.

 

I know you're not thinking too positively, or getting your hopes up - good luck, anyway.

 

Out of interest, do you like her best friend??

[blue16]

Out of interest, do you like her best friend??

 

Nah. I had entertained thoughts in my head about maybe going out with her, but I never really seriously considered it nor was I legitamately interested in a relationship with her. I can understand how the girl I like would think that I liked her best friend, given how we would hang out evey week and we did kiss last weekend, but there was nothing more than friends going on.

[blue16]

Second update (for all those interested): Of course I failed to mention that I work with this girl (part-time job). I saw her today, and it was slightly awkward at first but after a while we were cool again and everything was all good. She never mentioned anything about how I asked her out, so it was obvious her answer was a "no" but everything was still ok with us - laughing and joking like usual.

 

Then she asked if I was going out with her tonite (we had planned a few days ago to go out to the club with some friends - mostly hers, but I kind of know them too) and I told her no i wasn't, and that I couldn't be 'just friends.' I could tell she was extremely shocked, and she said like "So no more hanging out?!?!" and i said "not now, down the road maybe but not now because it will be too hard for me." After hearing that she kinda fraked out and just turned around and pretended to get some coffee or something, i said a couple things but she just totally ignored me. For the rest of the nite she was blatantly ignoring me, there was tons of tension between us. I asked asked her what was up, because obviously she was ignoring me and she just said "oh i'm cool."

 

So looks like we're no longer on speaking terms. Fortunately I only have to see her once next week, so I'm hoping that in time things will work themselves out.

[elijahBailey]

blue, dude, I'm a little confused. Didn't you say somewhere that you two kissed? Or maybe it was just a kiss on the cheek?

[blue16]

Hey EB, good to see you again Ya we did kiss a little bit on the lips, and she kissed me on the neck a few times.

 

Well...it looks like there has been a change in plans. I was on the computer at like 2 AM and out of the blue I get this call from a number I don't recognize (I deleted her number from my phone today) and it was her...lol. She was drunk, and basically spilled her guts. She said she really likes me, and wanted to make sure that I didn't like her best friend before she said yes or no. Also she mentioned that i really hurt her feelings because i just threw away our friendship just like that, and that's why she was blatantly ignoring me. And also she said that she was afraid of things going wrong, losing the friendship etc...then us having to work together blah blah blah.

 

Anyways after talking for an hour, we finally decided to give it a go for real..take it slow and see where it goes. Funny how it works out...

[Yamaha]

And also she said that she was afraid of things going wrong, losing the friendship etc...then us having to work together blah blah blah.

 

Glad you stuck to your guns. It is hard to put a friendship on the line but when you want more than being friends it is a necessary risk.

[elijahBailey]

Hey EB, good to see you again Ya we did kiss a little bit on the lips, and she kissed me on the neck a few times.

 

Well...it looks like there has been a change in plans. I was on the computer at like 2 AM and out of the blue I get this call from a number I don't recognize (I deleted her number from my phone today) and it was her...lol. She was drunk, and basically spilled her guts. She said she really likes me, and wanted to make sure that I didn't like her best friend before she said yes or no. Also she mentioned that i really hurt her feelings because i just threw away our friendship just like that, and that's why she was blatantly ignoring me. And also she said that she was afraid of things going wrong, losing the friendship etc...then us having to work together blah blah blah.

 

Anyways after talking for an hour, we finally decided to give it a go for real..take it slow and see where it goes. Funny how it works out...

 

 

Now that makes more sense.

 

I don't mean that your writing is incoherent. It's just that if you get to kiss a girl on the lips, the relationship is no longer "just friends", if you know what I mean. So I was a little surprised when she started ignoring you at first.

 

And yeah, I was suspecting that her friend was complicating things. If they're really close, she wouldn't wanna risk their friendship. But I'm glad you two decided to give it a shot. Good luck and keep us posted.

[blue16]

Things are not going good at all. We had another fight again last nite, the second run-in in the past week (we never had one argument before last Friday).

 

Bottom line is that I feel she doesn't want a relationship with me. I still think she likes me, and is attracted to me...but there is no urgency to go out with me. The reason why I say that is because in the year that we've known each other, we've both been single. Altho I've dated a couple girls here and there, it was never anything serious and she never even saw me with them. There was nothing that made her say "hey, I better go out with this guy quick before someone else snaps him up" kinda thing.

 

And 3 months ago if she had asked me out, even tho I kind of liked her...I would'nt have said yes because she was always single so there was no voice saying "go out with her before she's taken!" I could always keep her on the backburner, and if I didn't find anyone else I could come back to her. It wasn't till I actually saw her with another guy till I realized how I felt, and that I better make a move now or lose her for good. Until she sees me with another girl, and realizes that she might have lost me - this isn't going to get off the ground.

 

I think she's just happy being friends. She was content to forget that I even asked her out, and just go on like nothing happened. It wasn't till I said i didn't wanna be 'just friends' that she missed me and told me how she felt. But even tho she said she liked me, was interested etc...she didn't seem to excited about us 2 actually being in a relationship. That is clearly not the indication of someone who wants to go out with you.

 

So I guess right now I gotta move on to other girls. I suspect that if I DO meet someone else, she'll suddenly realize how she feels but it will be too late. That's just a wild prediction, tho.

[moman]

So I guess right now I gotta move on to other girls. I suspect that if I DO meet someone else, she'll suddenly realize how she feels but it will be too late. That's just a wild prediction, tho.

 

Probably right. I went out with this girl I'm interested in last night and she wanted to see all the pics on my camera so I let her look. There was a picture of me with two HOT girls I had taken the other night. She specifically commented on it and suddenly I received a lot more attention. Coincidence? Who knows but it didn't seem to hurt.

[Sand&Water]

Blue16,

So I guess right now I gotta move on to other girls. I suspect that if I DO meet someone else, she'll suddenly realize how she feels but it will be too late.

 

I believe, that is the best thing you can do for yourself -as well as for her.

 

The vibe I picked up from your story, is that she has already established a comfortable position as a singleton. She has been single for a long time, and as a result can't -or doesn't- want to place much effort into dating a man, right now.

 

Let her go. She has a lot of discovering, and soul searching to do. Oh, and next time be more confident about your decisions. Don't sway back and forth -grow a backbone for your future girlfriends [they'll like it].

 

Good Luck,

Sand&Water

[Yamaha]

When you've been friends some women have a hard time thinking of you in any other terms even if they do like you and find you attractive. She probably liked the relationship you have before and now things are tense because it is different. I believe you are right in that she is not ready for a relationship now and really wanted to be friends with you. The timing of relationships are very important and you have to look at where a person is at as well as your own interests. You want a relationship and it is not that important to her so it would be best if you look to other girls.

I would just let things ease with her and after some time you may be able to have a friendship with her (if you can handle that).

[blue16]

Thx for ur replies. I made two attempts to get together this week, only to have excuses (which were actually pretty legit) but no follow up or counter offer. She clearly doesn't want a relationship with me at this point. It makes it extra hard that she revealed she had feelings for me, but when I tell her we should give it a shot...she doesn't seem so enthusiastic. There is just a lot of tension between us...and after our run-in last night things are even worse. I agree with you Yamaha, I should just take it easy and let things cool down.

 

The only problem is that I work with her. In fact, I will definitely see her on Friday, which only complicates things. Ordinarily, at this point I would cease contact with her for a short while until things between us settled...then maybe go back to friends/play it by ear. But when I am seeing her twice a week no matter what, it really makes things difficult. I don't know how to act around her...

[Yamaha]

Just act as normal as you can. If you feel comfortable about it she will relax as well. Because you work together doesn't mean things have to be uncomfortable. Just don't go the ignore route. That will only make things worse.

[elijahBailey]

Blue, just be yourself. You can't deceive yourself that nothing happened between the 2 of you, so if you do feel uncomfortable, just let it be.

 

I agree with your take on the entire thingy. You're a smart fella. But do not obsess about this girl. The harder you try, the more she'll run. Just turn the other direction and start dating other women. That's one way to make sure that you're not at the mercy of one girl. But don't do that with the hope that she'll come back to you.

 

If you do nothing, you're gonna make yourself even more miserable. I think she likes you, but sometimes good vibes aren't enough to start a relationship. And remember, if you start obsessing about her, you will give off those vibes, and that's something you do not want to happen.

[blue16]

Thx for your guys' words of wisdom, I tried my best to take it to heart and it definitely helped this tough situation.

 

Well it looks like things have kind of reached a natural conclusion. I got home from a long day...all day at school then a shift at work in the evening, and she texted me saying that she was going for coffee with her best friend and that I was welcome to come (she even added a smiley face at the end). At the risk of reading too much into it...I just got the impression like she wanted us to be cool again and she didn't enjoy this tension going on. I thought why not...theres no reason to be a jerk and I'd rather things be cool between us for a) to relieve this awkwardness and b) the work place.

 

So I had some coffee and hung out with them for a couple hours, it was casual and fun...it was a lot like old times. Almost 0 awkwardness/tension..but I didn't feel the same excitement I used to for some reason...it was almost like I knew all this was all 'just friends' so there was no mystery or exhiliration. I had a good time, but I was the first one to leave...usually I end up hanging out with them/her till as late as I possibly can and leave very late in the night.

 

I'm glad that we're cool again...but I think the days of me hanging out with her 2x a week or so (not to mention seeing her at work that many times) are over. I refuse to be THAT guy who hangs around a girl secretly hoping that one day she'll change her mind and want to go out with him. It's strange, whenever she would msg me, text me...call me etc, I would always become excited and make every effort (never ditching any plans with other people, but I would rarely say 'no') to hang out with her because I really enjoyed being with her. But now, I really don't care as much - i don't see a point because I know that it's not going any further. I don't value spending time with her over spending time with my guy friends anymore.

 

In my head I've moved on tho, which I think is a good thing. I'm trying my best to meet other girls...not to make this one 'jealous' but because I need to move on. I'll always wonder why she said she likes me...and saying that it's different between us than her other guy friend (he's THAT guy)...but then she won't go out with me. But, theres nothing I can do about and the only thing I can do is keep my head up and move on...

[Yamaha]

You are correct in that things will not be the same between you. Your hopes were dashed and you don't have that same interest to hang with her. You guys didn't have the same goals for your relationship and it is hard to go back to the way things were before. You have the right attitude so continue, be friendly and some girl will catch you eye and your excitement will resurface all over again.