Am I his OW? Is he my OM?

[naughty_n_nice]

Hi all, I am new here and i need to get something off of my chest. I am not really sure what type of situation I am in, and whether or not it's classified as cheating or just innocent mumbo jumbo but here goes...

 

About a year and a half ago, I met this guy at work (as the story always goes...). Things started out by me noticing him noticing me. Stares from him here and there. So one day I looked up his email account and sent him a message just saying hello and if he knew who I was. He replied and that's what started our blooming "friendship".

 

We mostly did the email thing. Never anything sexual, just nice comments here and there and saying hello. Every time we saw each other I felt an extreme chemistry with him. He would always come right to me when he saw me and his face would just light up with a smile every time he saw me. He always stared into my eyes when he talked to me and all of this just really gave me butterflies in my stomach - which hasn't happened since high-school (it felt really nice).

 

So anyhow, between all the flirting and emails, his B-day came up and I asked him what he would like for his b-day. He mentioned that it would be nice to go out for drinks. The topic was always brought up but never actually happend. Mind you he's married with 2 kids and I am in an attached 8 year "so-called" relationship with someone and have 2 kids (although we aren't really emotionally connected any longer - my mate and I - our relationship is actually very toxic with mental abuse and others toxic stuff).

 

So anyhow, I kept trying to push the subject because I thought a night out would be fun with my crush. Nothing ever happened and our emails and flirting kind of subsided.

 

So, I tried to move on with my life since I had been transferred to another end of the building not seeing him anymore. Then one day out of the blue, my crush came to my worl station to say "hello" and was wondering why I wasn't at the meeting (he wanted to see me and know what time my shifts are). Please note that he came all the way to my side of the building (which is HUGE) and came a route that is "out of his way" to say hello and to see me.

 

This made all the feelings I thought were gone for him come back to life, only 100 x worse than before. Cuz now I have in my head that he has thought about me during the many months I hadn't contacted him and it just makes me want him even more than ever!!!

 

I can't get him out of my head and I have such lustful thoughts of him about sex and other really passionate things that it's killing me! I really feel like I am falling either in love or lust with him that I don't know what to do!

 

When he came to see me all I could think about was his beautiful blue eyes and everything around me became blurry except for him.

 

So, anyhow enough of my daydreaming. He brought up the "going out for drinks" thing and actually wanted to go that night. I couldn't of course. But he does for sure want to go. He has a business trip in Chicago this week and he told me that he will contact me once he gets back to "discuss when to set the date".

 

So, I just want to know, am I putting myself in troubles way here or is this just innocent stuff? I know that this is a "slight" Emotional affair, but it seems even more real now that he has gotten himself back into my life.

 

I also want to know why he went through the trouble of getting in touch with me again all of a sudden??? I honestly thought he was over me that's why I quit contacting him.

 

I just want to touch him and feel him. He makes it hard not to think of him. He knows how I feel about him, although I never really came out and said I want him but i have told him that he's been on my mind. I am almost at the verge of spilling my gutts to him... pandora's box is almost unlocked!!! He just makes it soooo difficult to keep it shut!

 

He knows that I am in an unhappy relationship, he has never really brought up his wife though. Just her career. But never talks about her. So I don't know where they stand.

 

Please help! Am I having an affair?!? How do I get him out of my head?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. So, I just want to know, am I putting myself in troubles way here or is this just innocent stuff?

 

2. I also want to know why he went through the trouble of getting in touch with me again all of a sudden???

 

3. He knows that I am in an unhappy relationship, he has never really brought up his wife though. Just her career. But never talks about her. So I don't know where they stand.

 

4. Please help! Am I having an affair?!? How do I get him out of my head?

 

1. You are putting yourself directly in trouble's path here. This is not an innocent friendship. Put it this way - would you two share your friendship as it is (including all your flirtations) openly in front of your SO's? Thought not.

 

2. Because he knows you are receptive to an affair. You are ripe for the taking and he intends to do some taking.

 

3. Where he stands with his wife is beside the point. I imagine his affair with you has nothing to do with his wife or their relationship.

 

4. Yes, you are having an emotional affair. The only way to get him out of your head is to exorcise him through 'no contact'. That means no phone calls, no visits, no emails, nada and to work on either making your own relationship better or ending it. Have you considered counseling or getting your SO some help for his behavior?

[Sal Paradise]

Yes you're emotionally cheating.

 

 

Mind you he's married with 2 kids

 

Why don't you mind that fact and back off?

 

 

I am in an attached 8 year "so-called" relationship with someone and have 2 kids (although we aren't really emotionally connected any longer - my mate and I - our relationship is actually very toxic with mental abuse and others toxic stuff).

 

No matter how bad the relationship you're never justified in cheating. If it's that bad get out of the relationship. Also you should think of the example you're setting for the 2 kids (yes they probably will find out if you continue this behavior).

 

 

So anyhow, I kept trying to push the subject because I thought a night out would be fun with my crush.

 

So basically you're pursuing this affair. You knew how you felt about him. So you wanted to go on a date with him. That's out right cheating any way you look at it. If you had gone on the "date" there is a good chance this emotional affair would of become physical. Especially when you consider that alcohol would of been involved. Perhaps that why you wanted to go. You needed the courage/excuse of alcohol to allow you fully act on your desires.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh but you must realize that nothing just happens. The actions we take (however small) dictate the path our lives take. Even though the date hasn't taken place yet you've already stepped over a line and committed infidelity by even considering going out with him under the circumstances of how you feel about him. There is nothing innocent about it.

 

 

This made all the feelings I thought were gone for him come back to life, only 100 x worse than before. Cuz now I have in my head that he has thought about me during the many months I hadn't contacted him and it just makes me want him even more than ever!!!

 

I can't get him out of my head and I have such lustful thoughts of him about sex and other really passionate things that it's killing me! I really feel like I am falling either in love or lust with him that I don't know what to do!

 

The fact that you feel this strong about him should tell you there is no way you can go out with him. If you do you will sleep with him. It won't be a 1 time thing either. Don't think for a second that you merely need to get it over with and get it out of your system. Once you go down that path you will be involved in a full physical/emotional blown affair.

 

 

So, I just want to know, am I putting myself in troubles way here or is this just innocent stuff? I know that this is a "slight" Emotional affair

 

There is no such thing as a slight affair. It's like being a little bit pregnant. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one. You're having an affair. The fact that you're trying to downgrade it to a slight emotional one shows the level of your denial.

 

Also I find it interesting that you would ask if it's innocent stuff in the first sentence then in second sentence you say you know it's a slight emotional affair. What that tells me is you deep down that you're having an affair you're just scared and too selfish to admit to yourself.

 

 

but it seems even more real now that he has gotten himself back into my life.

 

It was real all along you were just too busy enjoying the fantasy of the affair to realize the reality of the affair.

 

 

I also want to know why he went through the trouble of getting in touch with me again all of a sudden???

 

He knows you will sleep with him and see's you as easy pickings for a little fun. He isn't interested in being in a relationship, he just wants some sex on the side. He will probably tell you otherwise but why would you trust someone who would cheated on his wife with you? Someone who do that to the mother of his children (as you're doing to the father of yours)? This man probably tells his wife every day he loves her, he lies everytime he says it. He's living a lie, and so are you.

 

 

he has never really brought up his wife though. Just her career. But never talks about her. So I don't know where they stand.

 

That should be your first clue that he is using you. Secondly what he thinks of his wife is irrelevant. It sounds like to me that you want to know they're unhappy, that she is a bad wife so you won't feel so guilty when you sleep with her husband. If you can't stop yourself for your own husband and children (too selfish) then put yourself in her shoes. She doesn't deserve this, neither does her kids. Don't be a home wrecker. You have complete control over the situation. There is no excuse or reason to take this further unless you want continue to be selfish human being who puts her own fleeting needs above everything and everyone else.

 

 

Please help! Am I having an affair?!? How do I get him out of my head?

 

You know you're having an affair. You said it yourself. You need to wake up out of the affair fog and realize what you're doing. You're having an affair. You're on the verge of taking an emotional affair to a physical affair. If you meet him on this date there is a 99.9% chance that you will physically cheat on your bf/husband.

 

To get him out of your head you should go no contact. That means no email, no instant messages, no phone calls, nothing. If you can transfer to an area of your job where you will never (and I mean never) encounter him in any capacity you need to that. If you can't then you need to find another job. It's as simple as that, if you don't do that you will never get over these feelings.

 

You should also tell your bf/husband. He has a right to know that you cheating on him emotionally. Coming clean will also make it easier for you to get past the other man since it will be exposed to your partner and it will make it more difficult for you to continue this behavior. If your partner wants to stay in the relationship (if you want to as well) you need to enter couples couselling and fix the relationship.

[typical]

he has never really brought up his wife though. Just her career. But never talks about her. So I don't know where they stand.

Well, I am pretty sure they stand as "married" which is pretty much the same thing as "off limits". Besides, doesnt that tell you something, the fact that he never talks about her?? If you get caught up with him, he will never talk about you either.

You know, this post started off benignly enough, seemingly with you being "confused" as to exactly what was happening between you two. Then I get to the third or fourth paragraph:

Mind you he's married with 2 kids and I am in an attached 8 year "so-called" relationship with someone and have 2 kids

and realize that this situation is really not so benign after all.

Quit acting like a hormonal teenager. I am pretty sure the both of you are too old for that anyway.

Leave other peoples lives alone.

I am bang on with Sal and Lucrezia.

[Naughty_n_Nice]

Well, actually, I am 25 and he's 34. I am NOT married. My so-called mate and I are not even in love with one another coming from both ends. We are with each other for the house and kids. We don't get along much. He has a porno fetish and I think it's disgusting. He knows I've seen other guys in the past... he doesn't even care. I work in a hospital and this co-called b/f of mine has even gone so far as telling me to find a rich doctor to scruff money off of. Our relationship is NOT normal so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't classify him as my husband, that really offends me.

[mejigirl]

wow, I don't disagree with the earlier responses, but DAMN that is harsh. truth be told, sometimes it's necessary to be talked to that way in order to stop yourself from doing something you'll regret. however, i can imagine that you are feeling pretty guilty (you have admitted in some ways), otherwise i doubt you would have written the post. first, you are not a bad person, you're just at the precipice of a dangerous situation. right now you can either end this and avoid the shame that will come with an affair or you can make a mistake (by going out for drinks with him, and face it dear... you are going to have sex). let me tell you what we would find if we could read this guy's mind:

 

"this is gonna be easy! she's not happy in her relationship, so it's not going to take a lot of work to get her to sleep with me. i'll just tell her a few sweet things and she'll melt in my arms. she knows nothing about my relationship with my wife, so she'll never be a threat to it. when i'm done, i'll just go back to my end of the building and we'll never have to see each other again"

 

i can imagine a scenario in which he was in a rough spot with his marriage and he started to flirt with you, things got better for him and his wife and so he was not interested in flirting for a while. but now things have gotten ugly again and he's going for the kill this time!! by the way, this is the cycle that MOST affairs are in. one married person is unhappy but unwilling to leave his/her spouse, so when they are in a fight with the spouse, they cheat with you. once the couple has the resolved their issues, the cheating spouse is "good" again and stops the cheating with you until there is a fight between them again (and then he comes looking for you to have sex with and to vent about the marriage). the whole time, you'll be investing your emotions in an unhealthy and immoral relationship (i.e affair) that depends on the problems of someone else's marriage. your feelings for him don't really have center stage here... the marriage does, your affair with him would be a by-product of his cowardliness.

 

just take a look at some of the posts in the OM/OW sub-forum (Dating forum)... many people have been in your shoes. learn from their experiences.

[whichwayisup]

I am NOT married. My so-called mate and I are not even in love with one another coming from both ends.

 

So, why are you still with your so-called mate? Why not end it? Why cheat on him? If you're so unhappy, do the brave thing, break up with him!

 

Our relationship is NOT normal so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't classify him as my husband, that really offends me.

 

Again, if it's so bad and you don't even consider him like family, a husband or a life time partner, WHY are you two together???? DO NOT STAY in a relationship because you're afraid to be alone. DO NOT STAY in a relationship JUST for security reasons...It's unfair to both of you.

 

I'll add too, the MM is OFF LIMITS to you and any other female because he has a wife. If he wants to flirt and cheat on his wife, he's an idiot. Just think of the type of person he is, to cheat on his wife...Boy, what a winner!

[Sal Paradise]

Well, actually, I am 25 and he's 34. I am NOT married. My so-called mate and I are not even in love with one another coming from both ends. We are with each other for the house and kids.

 

Still no excuse to cheat. There is no reason to stay together so leave him. You're not doing your kids any favor. If anything this could damage them emotionally. You may not even realize you're doing it. A house with no love but full of negativity, bitterness and resentment is no place to raise your kids.

 

He knows I've seen other guys in the past... he doesn't even care.

 

Wow you're setting a great example for those kids. I hope none of these guys you've seen before were in relationships or married. You've already helped one guy lie and cheat on his wife, no sense in helping ruin another woman's life.

 

I work in a hospital and this co-called b/f of mine has even gone so far as telling me to find a rich doctor to scruff money off of.

 

Well leave him. No one is forcing you to stay. You make him sound like a real jerk but the truth is you're not any better than he is. You're staying with him out of convenience and partly out of fear. You lack the courage to stand on your own two feet. Maybe you secretly hope some guy will come rescue you from the situation (like the married man you're cheating with). Why not rescue yourself? You got yourself in this situation, you can get out of it anytime you want to. If he is as bad as you describe and you two are that miserable together then you should be ashamed of yourself for exposing your kids to such an unhealthy enviroment.

 

 

Our relationship is NOT normal so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't classify him as my husband, that really offends me.

 

You didn't really specify what he was so I called him your "bf/husband" since I didn't know. So if you're offended it's your own fault for not being more specific.

 

And to be honest it doesn't matter if you are "officially" married or not. For the most part you are in every way except legally. You live together, you have a house together, and you have kids together. I'm sure at some point you even cared about the guy on some level or you wouldn't of had kids with him. If you didn't then you have no one to blame for this mess except yourself.

 

I'm not trying to be overly harsh but you need to take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming everything on your "partner". You're miserable because you have decided to stay in a situation that makes you miserable. That isn't his fault nor is it his responsibility. You're a grown woman, take control of your life.

[typical]

He knows I've seen other guys in the past... he doesn't even care

 

Well then, if you have indeed done this before, why are you on here seeking advice?? Is it because this guy is married that makes the difference, or were the other ones married as well.

 

Bottom line, there is no excuse in the world to become a homewrecker. This guy doesnt talk about his wife because he knows damn well she wouldnt approve of this. If they had an open relationship, or a relationship in which she didnt care, you bet your life he would be tripping all over himself to divulge that tasty morsel. The wife is unsuspecting in all of this, I am almost sure of it. Just as I am almost sure that this scenario:

"this is gonna be easy! she's not happy in her relationship, so it's not going to take a lot of work to get her to sleep with me. i'll just tell her a few sweet things and she'll melt in my arms. she knows nothing about my relationship with my wife, so she'll never be a threat to it. when i'm done, i'll just go back to my end of the building and we'll never have to see each other again"

 

i can imagine a scenario in which he was in a rough spot with his marriage and he started to flirt with you, things got better for him and his wife and so he was not interested in flirting for a while. but now things have gotten ugly again and he's going for the kill this time!! by the way, this is the cycle that MOST affairs are in. one married person is unhappy but unwilling to leave his/her spouse, so when they are in a fight with the spouse, they cheat with you. once the couple has the resolved their issues, the cheating spouse is "good" again and stops the cheating with you until there is a fight between them again (and then he comes looking for you to have sex with and to vent about the marriage). the whole time, you'll be investing your emotions in an unhealthy and immoral relationship (i.e affair) that depends on the problems of someone else's marriage. your feelings for him don't really have center stage here... the marriage does, your affair with him would be a by-product of his cowardliness.

 

will indeed play out. Try to justify your actions as much as you wish but you have to know that its just not right. Just because he is coming on to you, you dont have to fall for it. Let someone else be the lowlife homewrecker, it doesnt have to be you. Resist the temptation and instead of looking for distractions, either work on your relationship or work on getting the hell out of there. Your homelife doesnt seem so peachy, for the children as well.

[Guest]

You need to work on your relationship, or end it. Your saying he is almost like a babysitter/roommate. If you dont love him now, you never will. So insted of dragging it on, end it now.