Toni_no12002 Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Well i have a bf who ive been with for nearly 3 years now.Where not getting on very well at all really hes always moaning at me and i think sometimes i dont want to be with him.I think the reason that stops me leaving is because of our kid and the house. I go out at weekend with a friend and i find myself flirting all the time with men.I try and stop myself because i know i have a bf and i sometimes flirt too much. I feel really down at the moment and the only time i feel happy is when im getting attention from other men.It may sound nasty but im being honest.It makes me feel wanted. I just want to know what advice everyone would suggest because i dont know what to do.I dont want to take things too far because i dont want to hurt my bf but he makes me feel so miserable.Can anyone help??????? Link to post Share on other sites
mejigirl Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 This is pretty clear cut to me... you have 2 options: 1. Stay with your bf and risk cheating on him. If you choose this option (and if you end up cheating) you will not only be with a man that you are probably not crazy in love with, but you will also have to live with the fact that you've cheated on him (guilt, shame, etc). This sounds like the easiest option to me. OR 2. Break up with him and start a new social/romantic life for yourself. If you choose this option you will have the face the fear of changing the financial as well as familial ties that you have with him. I assume you have this fear based on what you said in your post. This really sounds like the hardest option. It requires that you challenge yourself and take a risk. Although, I think in the end (if you are NOT truly in love with you bf) it will be the smartest thing to do. Before you go and do ANYTHING, though... I would strongly suggest that you tell your bf how you feel. It would be shame to later find out that all he really needed was to know that he should pay more attention to you in order to save a relationship in which the 2 people involved are very much in love with each other. Communication seems to be the area of improvement here. If it's hard to do this, think of the fact that you have child together, and she/he deserves that the two of you handle relationship problems in a loving and responsible manner. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Option 3 - GO to couples therapy and work it out. For your kids sake. Whatever the problem is hopefully can be fixed. Maybe you two need a getaway, a different routine instead of the day in and day out, everythings the same. Don't cheat on him, whatever you do. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Personally I would just end it, you aren't happy together. If you are not going to spend the next 40+ years of your life happy with this guy, then why prolong things? Your flirting is IMO a sign you are getting ready to move on. Do it the honourable way, bite the bullet and tell him it's over. At least then you acted with integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 Toni, it's sad that you feel miserable with the one you love and want to find the attention and affection you want from him - elsewhere. I think a few good, soft conversations in bed may help. You're going through a crisis right now and it affects your love for him. A relationship can make you feel miserable in many aspect, but what's comon in all cases is that the closeness is missing. So you re-build the closeness. Talk to him about your problems, needs, desires and let him know what would make you happy. Try to make HIM happy and ask him what he wants from you. Talking helps a lot, but not hostile, argumentative discussions. You should feel like you're in the same team. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 4, 2006 Author Share Posted October 4, 2006 thanks for all your replys To make things worse i asked him for a break abit ago to see if things would work out but he said if i left hed kill himself.I said that isnt fair on our child but he said he wouldnt want to live without me.Also he said if i left because we will always be in contact with each other for the kid,if he found out i was with someone else he would make my life hell. Also im scared he would take my kid off me.I look after our child all the time i gave up work and my bf works 39 hours a week.He said hed fight me for kyle and tell the courts that i go out drinking and things.Surely he cant have a leg to stand on in that area because yes i do go out at weekends mainly on a saturday night but 1.surely having a child doesnt mean that my social life has to stop altogether 2.i always leave kyle with a responsible adult like his dad or my mum. 3.i never drink when i have my kid. Also he brought up the things in my past about cutting myself and being anxious and things and about seeing counsellors.Now to me i went to see those counsellors by my own choice so i must have made a responsible desicion to try and sort things out.Also i have never hurt my kid. Its like hed try and make me sound like im a bad mum if it went to courts.Hes saying that i wouldnt have a leg to stand on because i drink and have had problems in my past. What 21 year old doesnt go out and have fun though? Sometimes i think that if it did go to court that id lose.I told him that if i looked after the kid because he worked he could see him anytime he wanted i wouldnt stop him because its not fair. Am i the one in the wrong here because i really dont know.He always says things are my fault and to be honest maybe i am a bad mum im not sure.Am i supposed to spend every single day in because i look after my child? Can anyone help?any advice would be appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Just because you were young when you had a child and made a committment doesn't mean you're obligated to stay in that relationship. It's your son's interests that are the main concern here, what's going on between you and your boyfriend is not good for him. You're a parent, you can't go out and have a lifestyle like a lot of childless people your age, but you shouldn't be expected to continuously be the sole caretaker of your son. It sounds like you and your boyfriend were like a lot of young people who went into a relationship, not able to prepare for the bigger responsibilities of parenting. Your boyfriend, though, is emotionally abusive and manipulative of the situation. His suicide threats are just that, threats in order to get you to accede to his decisions. He's using your son as a tool in this as well. You've got tough decisions to make, but staying with your boyfriend in order to appease him and stop his threats won't make things better. Can you move back in with your mother, another family member or a friend? Take your son and do so. If you feel you cannot notify your boyfriend of moving out without avoiding a major confrontation, do it in when your boyfriend will be at work. Speak to a solicitor who has experience in family law and custody issues about your situation. Be honest about what is going on, including the threats your boyfriend has made. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Toni, you have a right to leave if you don't want to live with him. He is wrong about everything, plus you're young and still learning. No mom is bad and no mom is perfect - not in our category (not talking about abusive mothers, drug addicts, etc.). He can lie at court so you'd have to prepare yourself to backfire. Does he have the money to take you to court? Do you? Have you thought about how you would support yourself and the child? Would you go back to your parents and start working? In any case, don't stay with him, because he is threating you or whining. Do what's best for you. If you're afraid that leaving him would make your life hell then your life is already hell. Perhaps talking to a social worker and telling them that he threatens you would help. They might be on your side if things get to court. Don't underetimate the authorities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 We dont really have the money to take it to court where just scraping by as it is.I suggested that i get a job to him as ive been offered one with a friend but he wont let me.It would help alot and we could do with the money for christmas.I thought maybe we argue so much because was because we havent got much money.I dont know.Im just confused. Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Instead of this cycle of almost cheating and making yourself feel wanted do a trial seperation. Sleep in different beds/rooms and don't bring someone home if you do find someone you want to be with. Most of all be honest with your husband. Also just because you flirt and they flirt back doesn't mean they love you and they could just be looking for a one night stand. This will leave you feeling even worse. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 We cant sleep in different rooms because we only have two and our child sleeps in the other room.I dont want to mess things up and even last night we had a arguement and he said he was goin to kill himself. Link to post Share on other sites
mejigirl Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Toni! I didn't realize the state of mind that your boyfriend is in. I agree completely with "Guest" about your boyfriend being emotionally abusive and manipulative. He needs a lot of help, sounds like he is depressed. Clearly, it's affecting you very much. I can also say without a doubt that your son is also being affected in some way, as minimal as it may be. This is not a problem that you will be able to take on by yourself completely. Please tell someone that you love and trust about the suicidal threats he has made. It is very important that he seek professional help and that you get to a safe place in the meantime. As was mentioned before, it would be in you and sour son's best interest if you can go to your mother's (or father's) or a friends house when he is not threatening you and your son. The fact that you are flirting should be the last of your worries, you need to get away from him for your own as well as your son's safety. I could get into each of the comments he has made and how seriously abusive those statements are, but I think it would be more useful for you to seek help in your area ASAP. Please tell someone (i.e. a professional in the mental health field) about your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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