LOVE AND DESPAIR :'(

[EbonyIvoryWalsh]

I REALLY need comfort, advice and whatever else you all can contribute.. I have been in an "on again off again" relationship for the past 3 years w/ a beautiful, guy who just happens to be white and I black. Yeah, another case of "Interracial Love." And in a new millennium, its like I took 10 paces back to the 60's! My Boyfriend (sorry, ex) and I broke up today, and I think for the last time due to his fathers racial views. For the longest time he hid the fact that his dad was the initial factor of our many breaks ups. But a few months ago, he came clean w/ the truth. Now his father has damaged us beyond belief and now my ex thinks things can't be repaired.. Which makes his dad gloat in honor, because his dad now wins the battle of a lifetime that he tired so hard to win.. My ex has been struggling w/the issue of "family" for the past 7 months, and I think because we "were" to the point of 3 years is getting too serious, it must be time for "marriage", all of the "chatty catty's and busy bodies" were (Grandma makes 2) gave him nothing but grief for being w/ me.. His grandma, even offering to pay him off to leave me in the beginng stages of our dating 3 years ago. It's hard when someone is pressured so hard, by people who he "respects" (well what the heck about respecting me?)to follow his true sense of heart and telling those w/ the issues to deal w/ it. He just told me the other day that it's none of there business who he's w/.. But he let them break his spirit and non verbally forced him to make a choice. He's tried so hard to be "strong" about this, many times coming back to me in tears, because he knows he loves me. But w/ the rampid racism that strikes those close to him, he loses his nerve. I dont know what this post is suppoed to say, because im really hurting right now.. I just wish there was a way to make him strong enough to deal w/ the racisim his family brews in.. Its like I lost my best friend.. I Love him so much, and I know he loves me too! If only he were adult enough to stand up for "US" and be strong enough to deal w/ society. I keep trying to relay to him that "WE" are stronger than the word "THEY." And for everytime I can convince him, his dad throws a glitch in our hearts.. And now my ex is to the point where hes been drinking a little to freely (and he's NOT a lush) but "FAMILY" is forcing him into a different venue because he can't deal w/ all of this. He suggested counseling at one time for us to reconcile and fix our relationship, and when I mentioned it two days ago he said he didn't know anymore.. How can I convince him (more like de-program) his ways of mind poisoning that his dad through the months created?.. I'm sure this post no longer makes any sense (it's hard to make sense when one is distraught) but neither does his racist father.. What can I do to lift my ex back up?

[Angel]

It is really so sad. I am sorry that society has to behave so stupidly.

I REALLY need comfort, advice and whatever else you all can contribute.. I have been in an "on again off again" relationship for the past 3 years w/ a beautiful, guy who just happens to be white and I black. Yeah, another case of "Interracial Love." And in a new millennium, its like I took 10 paces back to the 60's! My Boyfriend (sorry, ex) and I broke up today, and I think for the last time due to his fathers racial views. For the longest time he hid the fact that his dad was the initial factor of our many breaks ups. But a few months ago, he came clean w/ the truth. Now his father has damaged us beyond belief and now my ex thinks things can't be repaired.. Which makes his dad gloat in honor, because his dad now wins the battle of a lifetime that he tired so hard to win.. My ex has been struggling w/the issue of "family" for the past 7 months, and I think because we "were" to the point of 3 years is getting too serious, it must be time for "marriage", all of the "chatty catty's and busy bodies" were (Grandma makes 2) gave him nothing but grief for being w/ me.. His grandma, even offering to pay him off to leave me in the beginng stages of our dating 3 years ago. It's hard when someone is pressured so hard, by people who he "respects" (well what the heck about respecting me?)to follow his true sense of heart and telling those w/ the issues to deal w/ it. He just told me the other day that it's none of there business who he's w/.. But he let them break his spirit and non verbally forced him to make a choice. He's tried so hard to be "strong" about this, many times coming back to me in tears, because he knows he loves me. But w/ the rampid racism that strikes those close to him, he loses his nerve. I dont know what this post is suppoed to say, because im really hurting right now.. I just wish there was a way to make him strong enough to deal w/ the racisim his family brews in.. Its like I lost my best friend.. I Love him so much, and I know he loves me too! If only he were adult enough to stand up for "US" and be strong enough to deal w/ society. I keep trying to relay to him that "WE" are stronger than the word "THEY." And for everytime I can convince him, his dad throws a glitch in our hearts.. And now my ex is to the point where hes been drinking a little to freely (and he's NOT a lush) but "FAMILY" is forcing him into a different venue because he can't deal w/ all of this. He suggested counseling at one time for us to reconcile and fix our relationship, and when I mentioned it two days ago he said he didn't know anymore.. How can I convince him (more like de-program) his ways of mind poisoning that his dad through the months created?.. I'm sure this post no longer makes any sense (it's hard to make sense when one is distraught) but neither does his racist father.. What can I do to lift my ex back up?

[Tony T]

I wish I could give you comfort...or hope...but all I have is information...hard, cold, cruel facts that you are now learning about life and about the world.

 

Relationships and marriage are difficult enough between two people of the same race. When the prejudices of friends, relatives and society play strong roles of influence in partnerships, the results are often deadly.

 

I don't think your problems here are limited to his family. He may be putting a lot of the blame on them but the decision is ultimately his own. There are just so many factors we're dealing with here while you are dealing mainly with your heart. I know it hurts.

 

Once your relationship got off the ground and everybody saw there may be a permanence to it, an offensive was mounted. I'm sure friends, coworkers, associates, acquaintances, and lots of others joined his family members in putting things in his head about this relationship. It became too much for him to bare. He didn't see an end to the talk, the put downs, the criticism, etc. He couldn't live his life with you knowing he would suffer this barrage of criticism for the duration.

 

It's hard. It's crazy. But it happens. Love cannot understand so you shouldn't even try now.

 

People love others because of the way they make them feel about life and about themselves. Over time, the pressure became so strong the relationship ceased to give him the kind of feelings required for enduring love.

 

This relationship was doomed from the start. You didn't see it, you didn't want to, you didn't have to. If your guy had lived alone, far away from his family and in a very large town...like New York City...it may have worked...or at least worked a bit better. But everybody wants to get into the act and put their two cents in where it comes to others pairing up. His friends were there...his family was there...everybody important in his life were there. They put their two cents in. They did their damage.

 

It will be very hard to put this back together. The pieces are all over the place. He knows that a lifetime with you will be a lifetime of alienation from almost everybody else in his life. And I'm sure he's been told that children from interracial marriages often have a difficult time as well, although things aren't nearly as bad for them as they used to be. It depends on where you live...in the north...in the west...or in parts of the south.

 

If I were you, I would see a counsellor to work through this. I would also resolve myself to start taking a hard look at the cruel realities of a situation before I took this kind of plunge with my heart again. The world is a cruel place, a downright mean place...but it can be bitterly violent given the right circumstances.

 

We have not yet evolved to a place where people can be colorblind. I'm not really sure if bigotry and prejudice can be eliminated through evolution. I really can't tell you exactly how it can be rubbed out or if it can be.

 

There are a lot of things I just don't know.

[witchbreed]

I feel with you and what Tony said, about all the pressure overbearing your bf is sadly true. Actually I can see your bf side too.

 

With my first partner, we were together for more then 13 years and have 3 kids together, I had that kind of pressure from my family too. It was not about race, it was about class and education and nationality. I come out of an intellectual family, father is a lawyer, and he was working class and a foreigner (I am Swiss, he is Italian - but grew up in Switzerland). My parents offered to pay me a year long trip to Australia, in the hope I would forget him and I declined the bribe. I moved to another part of the country, to have a little less pressure. They never were on Christian Names with each other. I still loved my parents, I knew they didnt do this to hurt me, but because they sincerly believed we were not right for each other. It hurt us all around and specially in times of crisis - and everybody has them - there is no family to talk to, because they didnt accept him and would just urge me to quit. I felt guilty towards my parents and my partner. Finally I did leave him, but that really had nothing to do with the above - we developped different, we started going out together when I was 22, he was 31 and in time there was less and less we had in common. But it was not the class thing. The bf I have now is working class too and a foreigner, he is Welsh. My parents would still like a white collar son in law, but now I have my life, my friends (choosen family :-)) and I guess I am used to it anyway. But it is hard to come to terms with things like that, we were all raised to respect our elders, to take our parents advice and so on ... Some people just dont have the inner freedom to put up with this kind of strain.

 

I dont think you have a real chance of working this out now, too much damage. But if you and him really do want another try, move away and get help from a councelor. It needs more strength, commitement and dediction to get a good relationsship going without the fundament of a loving family or supportive friends. Its possible, but it does take a lot more working things out and will. And both of you will need help for damage repair and to heal hurts. Your hurts of being dumped for racial reasons and him not really standing up for you - his hurt of loosing the support of his family and of having to alienate himself from them.

 

Whatever you do now, I wish you luck and strength and dont forget, our world is wonderful too.

[velvet]

I went through some troubles. I was the only whity who dated someone of a another race in high school.

 

He was big, black, and Varsity football. He was a hotty!

 

My parents didnt like it, but they didnt forbid me to see him, nor give me a real hard time about him.

 

As for my cousin, she dated a black guy probably around the age of 13. Shes 26 now and still with him. Their r/s has consumed the abuse and pain from her daddy. She hid him from her daddy for ten years or more. She would put on a front for her family. After she became pregnant, she feared to tell her daddy who the father is. She ended up lying to him, telling him she got pregnant from a one night stand. Six months after Taylor baby was born the truth came out.

 

Her daddy feel in love with the baby. Since the baby was born my cousins b/f is now welcome to her parents house anytime, including holiday dinners.

 

I dont know the answer to help you, but I agree that people with racial issues, have no wisdom. They have closed minds- and THAT IS NOT THE WAY OF LIFE!

 

You only broke up today, let him come back to you. I hope he does because other than you, he doesnt have family or friends.

 

I was engaged to a spanish man for many years. A few particular friends of my family whom I have known all my life had given my ex fiance a hard time. Even in my presence! They didnt like him for his culture. Even though my ex fiance and I have seperated, and I love the people who disagreed to my r/s with my ex I feel Ive lost some respect for them. Im not there for them anymore. I love them, I see them all the time, but at the same time I put up a wall. Even with my ex fiance out my life, I still burn inside from the way my familys friends treated him. My parents never showed that emotion towards him. But I think they did disagree with our r/s but kept it to themselves and their friends so there wouldnt be any hard feelings with me.

 

I feel with you and what Tony said, about all the pressure overbearing your bf is sadly true. Actually I can see your bf side too. With my first partner, we were together for more then 13 years and have 3 kids together, I had that kind of pressure from my family too. It was not about race, it was about class and education and nationality. I come out of an intellectual family, father is a lawyer, and he was working class and a foreigner (I am Swiss, he is Italian - but grew up in Switzerland). My parents offered to pay me a year long trip to Australia, in the hope I would forget him and I declined the bribe. I moved to another part of the country, to have a little less pressure. They never were on Christian Names with each other. I still loved my parents, I knew they didnt do this to hurt me, but because they sincerly believed we were not right for each other. It hurt us all around and specially in times of crisis - and everybody has them - there is no family to talk to, because they didnt accept him and would just urge me to quit. I felt guilty towards my parents and my partner. Finally I did leave him, but that really had nothing to do with the above - we developped different, we started going out together when I was 22, he was 31 and in time there was less and less we had in common. But it was not the class thing. The bf I have now is working class too and a foreigner, he is Welsh. My parents would still like a white collar son in law, but now I have my life, my friends (choosen family :-)) and I guess I am used to it anyway. But it is hard to come to terms with things like that, we were all raised to respect our elders, to take our parents advice and so on ... Some people just dont have the inner freedom to put up with this kind of strain. I dont think you have a real chance of working this out now, too much damage. But if you and him really do want another try, move away and get help from a councelor. It needs more strength, commitement and dediction to get a good relationsship going without the fundament of a loving family or supportive friends. Its possible, but it does take a lot more working things out and will. And both of you will need help for damage repair and to heal hurts. Your hurts of being dumped for racial reasons and him not really standing up for you - his hurt of loosing the support of his family and of having to alienate himself from them. Whatever you do now, I wish you luck and strength and dont forget, our world is wonderful too.