The secret about chasing and being chased - I figured it all out!

[princessa]

Hahahah you can say that again

[whichwayisup]

And you don't just get bored of somebody you love.

 

This is true. Sooo true.

 

Couples may have boring moments, just like happy moments, but the relationship and the person in general isn't boring.

[Moai]

It depends on the sort of woman you want. If you want the women with low self-respect and low self-esteem then by all means act like an ass to them. If you want the good, smart, well-adjusted ladies then act like a mature grownup man. It's your choice.

 

It isn't "acting like an ass." I am nice to everyone, and in no way do I mistreat anyone. The women who apporach me, it seems, are the ones I have no romanitc interst in, that's all. I am cordial and nice, and listen when tey talk, but I do not pay them too much attention, nor do I go out of my way to make sure that they are emotionally "ok" or something. I am not sure what it is. If I was, I would be able to be that way to the women I want.

 

The women I do want I pay attention to, I call when I say I am going to, I make time for them, etc., and they take me for granted and/or "just want to be friends" with me. I don't think that it has anything to do with their self-esteem level or how mature they are. It is natural for humans to want what they can't have, and to value that which others want. Challenge and comeptition are healthy and cause people to "chase" what they want. When I like a woman I tend to give them what they want for free, for lack of a better term.

 

Every woman I have ever met is exactly this way. From all walks of life, and at every age. I hear about their relationships and see the men they are attracted to, and it is universal. In some women, it seems like they seek approval from these men, in others it seems like they are trying to solve issues they had with their dad through these relationships. It is never as easy as, "I love you, so therefore you will love me back." I wish it was, but it isn't.

 

In my most recent relationship, a friends ex and I started hanging out--csually at first, maybe once very couple of weeks. Then, once a week. At this time, I just really liked her as a friend (and she the same). Soon, a call every couple of days and a couple times a week hanging out. Now, we talk and see each other every day. It is assumed that we are going to do whatever it is we are going to do together. I am invited to family events. She comes by the house without calling. She sleeps over (on the couch) all the time. All of this instigated by her. I rarely call her, she always calls me. She seeks out my company constantly.

 

It used to be, when we would go out, it would always be to our usual haunts, where we know lots of people. Now, that is rare, we prefer to go to other places so we can be alone and talk. She makes plans far into the future for us, like trips and festivals and things. She gets jealous of my other girlfriends sometimes. Not ever in a bitter way where we fight, but she actually says, "I saw you talking to Heather, and I got jealous. I wanted to talk to you/be with you, etc."

 

At different times during our relationship I have pulled back, and she says that scares her because it makes her afraid that I don't want our relationship to get "deeper" whatever the hell that means. But I can't be that way for long, as I really like her and like sharing my feelings with her, totally. After these episodes we get closer than ever and our communication improves.

 

Basically, she is my girlfriend, right? Nope. Her ex, my buddy (they broke up over a year ago) still has her in his sway, mostly. She doesn't want to date him, nor does he her, but because he is aloof (always was) doesn't really care what her mood is or how she feels (never did) she still seeks out his approval. I can see it when she looks at him. She recently found out that he cheated on her when they were together, and that has changed her attitude about him even more--she has told me she thinks he is a jerk before that--but we'll see what's up. It is as if she doesn't quite have room enough in her heart for me because of him. He is (and was) a challenge, I am not.

 

I know deep down that if I made her chase me more, and if I weren't so available the dynamics of our relationship would change, but I can't bring myself to do it. Not out of fear, but out of not wanting to. I don't want to act differently than I am, and not act on feelings I have. I am not living in torture about the whole thing, as things will go how they are going to go, and I am happy, but I am not giving her the opportunity to chase me. And that's it.

 

She is leaving the country for about five months after the first of the year, and that will give her an opportunity to miss me, which is great. But she really wants me to fly down and visit her. She says it will be the highlight of her trip if I do. I feel weird about it, but I'll probably go.

 

This girl is by far the most together chick I have ever met. Never PMSes, always happy and eager to laugh, has goals in life, and is awesome with children. She is popular with other women as well as men, and is a great listener. I can't begin to describe all of her qualities--not to mention that she is a knockout. And she responds the same way to the challenge thing as everyone else.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm curious as to what it is about the women who approach you that makes you not interested. Is the fact that they are approaching you a turnoff? Would you rather be the one who initiates?

 

 

It is natural for humans to want what they can't have, and to value that which others want.

 

I dunno about this. This sounds like either herd mentality or commitmentphobia to me. I should think that if this were a universal attitude then we would all be alone pining after 'what we don't have'. We would never connect with anyone and have a commited and fulfilling relationship with that person.

 

It just sounds like something a commitmentphobe would say. JMO, of course.

[Great Gazoo]

Game, by definition, means on purpose, and implies that impure intentions are involved. And you don't just get bored of somebody you love.

 

Also, love involves giving up power to some degree. In a mutual loving relationship you shouldn't feel the need to hold back so as to "not let the other one have power over you". It's very bitter to interpret a situation where the BF is not meeting the GF's needs as him being bored or enjoying having power over her. It's sad that you can't imagine how two people are able to have good intentions towards eachother.

 

"what I can't change, I accept peacefully and what upsets me, I'll just let go and not care"... Not caring implies a weak / superficial character. And if everybody just accepted what they thought they couldn't change, this world would be a sad sad place

 

 

I agree with some of this but at the same time a person comes to a point that if something can't be changed they must decide how to handle it. Everyone is different and wants different things from life and deals with things in different ways. I had to come with a understanding of this myself. Somethings can't be changed and you learn to deal with it and move on, either that or life is going to run you over. If it can't be changed then a person finds their own solution to live with it. I would say if everybody thought they could change everything then everyone would be depressed and feeling low. We adapt and cope the best we can.

[Steph21]

I hate these kinds of games. They are so stupid and immature. Usually I chase the chasee just for the hell of it, just to humor him. Like you're an idiot--I am just doing this while waiting for someone better to come along. But then I got into a situation where I actually cared and so now it's like you're an idiot but I like you anyway. It makes no sense.

[Almost]

I just saw the movie "The Tao of Steve" on DVD. The taoist rules of dating are:

 

1. Be desireless.

 

2. Be excellent.

 

3. Be gone.

 

Translation:

 

Be desireless meaning don't be too eager, too desperate, etc. Be patient.

 

Be excellent meaning you have to do something impressive and/or cool in front of the person you are chasing, to gain their interest.

 

Be gone, meaning then temporarily leave or go away, leaving them wanting more and interested to get to know more about you. Let them chase you.

[Tony T]

I just saw the movie "The Tao of Steve" on DVD. The taoist rules of dating are:

 

1. Be desireless.

 

2. Be excellent.

 

3. Be gone.

 

Translation:

 

Be desireless meaning don't be too eager, too desperate, etc. Be patient.

 

Be excellent meaning you have to do something impressive and/or cool in front of the person you are chasing, to gain their interest.

 

Be gone, meaning then temporarily leave or go away, leaving them wanting more and interested to get to know more about you. Let them chase you.

 

This is good stuff. Not to get off the subject, but was the movie full of this kind of wisdom?

[Almost]

This is good stuff. Not to get off the subject, but was the movie full of this kind of wisdom?

 

It's what the movie was basically all about, although in story/movie form.

 

It was actually a good movie, kind of a romantic comedy about a guy 10 years removed from college, who used to be a thin jock and ladies man. Now he's fat, but he's still good with the ladies because he has these rules/system down. Then he meets this one gal he thinks is real special and is a tough challenge for him. I don't want to give the ending away of course. Along the way he coaches this younger guy who isn't so great with the gals on how to follow the rules.

 

It's set around Santa Fe New Mexico with a lot of great views. An independent film that came out around 2000. Look it up on Amazon.com.

[RecordProducer]

Game, by definition, means on purpose, and implies that impure intentions are involved. And you don't just get bored of somebody you love.

 

Also, love involves giving up power to some degree. In a mutual loving relationship you shouldn't feel the need to hold back so as to "not let the other one have power over you". It's very bitter to interpret a situation where the BF is not meeting the GF's needs as him being bored or enjoying having power over her. It's sad that you can't imagine how two people are able to have good intentions towards eachother.

 

"what I can't change, I accept peacefully and what upsets me, I'll just let go and not care"... Not caring implies a weak / superficial character. And if everybody just accepted what they thought they couldn't change, this world would be a sad sad place

You still have a lot to learn... You think love is what you see in movies. Grow up first, princess, then talk!

[RecordProducer]

Anyhoozes, if you guys can't handle psychological analysis without taking it as an instruction for a model of behavior then I am referring to the wrong people. If somebody states that men like pretty women, it's not a suggestion for women to be prettier or HOW to be prettier. It's just a general conclusion about what men like.

 

The general conclusion is that running away from someone induces chasing... or giving up in some way. One of those two, for sure. Dumping IS giving up. Trying to work on the relationship while the other one ignores you IS chasing.

 

If some of you think that when one of the partners feels deprived from affection and attention will continue acting in the same way as when things were great, then you're really unique - either in your behavior or just in your way of thinking.

[JackJack]

Just out of curiosty RP, was this a post just in general about chasing and being chased? Or are you missing or wanting to be chased? Is there something lacking and you just wanted opinons on why you might feel the way you do? And I'll go ahead and cut you to the quick, so NO I'm not trying to be a smart ass by asking that, I was just curious.

[Moai]

I think that people ahve issues with the word "game". But that is exactly what it is. I have read that dance is more correct, though...

 

Everyone plays games all the time. People don't see it as a game because it is so integrated into everything happening, but it is happenng.

 

People who attract the opposite sex are better at it than those who don't. Can you learn how? Maybe, maybe not.

 

I know a guy who gets so many women it is scary. He is thin and reasonably good looking, but it is the way he treats women--not always nicely, by the way. They flock to him and pine over him. Why? Because he is a challenge. I have seen it happen. Of course, once the infatuation wears off and the women realize that he has no real emotinoal depth--or rather, he REALLY doesn't care about them--they usually bail, but he has gotten what he wants. Sex.

 

As he has gotten older, though, he has noticed that when he meets a girl he actually likes he has a difficult time taking it to the next level. I don't think that he has ever dated a woman longer than six months--and never exclusively, even though she thought they were.

 

In my case, I am way better at the realtionship part but not so much the courting part. The courting part is the chaser/chasee part.

 

I know a woman who has men flocking around her, and she is very attractive, but she also plays the game well. She hints that there will be more and that she will be exclusive with one guy, but she does that to lots of them. Shes says just enough to keep them interested. When she is around one guy, he is the be-all and end-all. And then she cuts it short. She does not do this on purpose at all, it is just the way she is. She has not had a relationship last longer than six months or a year, either. She also can't seem to cross that line into relationship mode.

 

In both cases, I think a lot of it has to do with the people they pick, but that is another thing all together.

[RecordProducer]

Just out of curiosty RP, was this a post just in general about chasing and being chased? Or are you missing or wanting to be chased? Is there something lacking and you just wanted opinons on why you might feel the way you do? And I'll go ahead and cut you to the quick, so NO I'm not trying to be a smart ass by asking that, I was just curious.

As I stated initially, it was a thought I had the night I smoked pot. If it was something that was on my mind subconsciously, it's another thing. But I didn't make any plans to be chased or to chase or not chase someone. Actually, now I am thinking, when we're chased, we just want to be left alone. I disagree with myself that the chasee enjoys being chased!

 

Good post, Moai!

[JackJack]

As I stated initially, it was a thought I had the night I smoked pot. If it was something that was on my mind subconsciously, it's another thing. But I didn't make any plans to be chased or to chase or not chase someone. Actually, now I am thinking, when we're chased, we just want to be left alone. I disagree with myself that the chasee enjoys being chased!

 

Good post, Moai!

 

 

Ahh ok I must have missed the part about the pot.

[everlong]

I hope I am not offending anyone with this comment but i truly don't understand why two people play games in a relationship - to me that is unhealthy and speaks volumes about what two people understand about relationships. I can see this happening when you are in grade school but when adults do it is sounds like arrested development, levels of maturity. Some reach it sooner than others. For example: everyone has done this once in their life, ususally in grade school, where you have a 'crush' on someone but are afraid to ask them if they like you as well, so you ask a friend to ask them and get back to you. This happened to my daughter when she was in grade 4. her friend asked her to ask a guy if he liked her. so, she did, he said yes he did, so she went back to her friend and replied, yes he likes you. and her friend replied, kewl, now i am going to play hard to get. and, remember now, my daughter was only 7 at the time, and she looked at her friend in shock and said 'if u like him, and he likes u and you both know that, instead of playing games, why don't you both just have fun together. amazing eh!

[RecordProducer]

And again, you don't understand that these games are NOT played on purpose!!!!!!!

 

When I do my own thing, my husband wants to spend time with me more than when I suggest we do something together. I don't do my own thing for the purpose of playing a game, but for some reason it turns his instinct for chasing on and he starts missing me. At those times I just want to be left alone, not chased.

 

Speaking of children, my son had a girlfriend who was chasing him, asking him "Do you like me?" every day, etc. At first he was flattered, but then he was turned off by her excessive attention and the "us" talk. Finally he stopped liking her when she turned out to be bossy and nasty.

[princessa]

You still have a lot to learn... You think love is what you see in movies. Grow up first, princess, then talk!

 

Before telling me to grow up, perhaps you could back that up with a logical explanation, or shall we debate why is it that you think that a smart-assed comment will overshadow your unability to back up your arguments?

 

Also, why do you speak in such a manner as if every statement of yours was a fact which was merely not being properly grasped by everybody else on the forum? This is a place for debate and argument, not restating the same point until others stop posting.

[RecordProducer]

Before telling me to grow up, perhaps you could back that up with a logical explanation, or shall we debate why is it that you think that a smart-assed comment will overshadow your unability to back up your arguments?

 

Also, why do you speak in such a manner as if every statement of yours was a fact which was merely not being properly grasped by everybody else on the forum? This is a place for debate and argument, not restating the same point until others stop posting.

Because you're only 21 and obviously haven't been married. I, just like many people here, am in my second marriage, which doesn't only consist of kisses, cuddles, passionate sex, and going to the discotheque together.

 

I also deal with questions like: what the hell am I doing with this man when we have nothing in common and we spend hours in the same room doing each their own thing? I deal with situations when I feel neglected and needing affection and attention and intimacy. I deal with doubts about my choices and feeling that it's not so easy to break up as to pick up the phone and say "It's over. We're not together anymore." And then I turn to myself because that's my mind's defensive mechanism to deal with pain. It developed with years. I learned in my first marriage that arguing, crying, and begging don't help. It helps to free your mind from the poisonous thoughts.

 

When I was 21, things were different. I assume you're not married yet. So you simply can't tell me what you know when you don't know what I know. You can only tell me what you think your love life will be like.

 

People speculate with the word "dump" as if it's an empty can of Pepsi. You don't even trash your old, stained jeans that easily...

 

When things happen, you suffer, you fight with yourself, with your partner, you hope, you despair, you have good days and bad days... You jump from hopeless emptiness to hopeful enthusiasm, until one of those states becomes more permanent than the other.

 

That's LIFE, not a GAME!

[everlong]

my apologizes if you took 'grow up' the wrong way. what i meant was simply this. we all enter stages in our life where behaviour we did when younger, doesn't 'work' with who we have become. i meant 'grow up' in a positive way. let me give u an example: i continued used to 'use' methods i learned as a teenager of dealing with the ups and downs of life when i got much older. i 'grew up' when i started seeing that was causing problems. our brain constantly changes. what we think and believed as a child, as a teenager, as an adult never stays the same. look back at the tv shows you loved as a child, they seem silly now right? think about your concepts of right and wrong as a child and as an adult? our brain develops along side our reality and forms our morals and values. what i valued as a teenager, is not the same as it is now. i see 'growing up' as something great. but it is not holist. i still like certain music i did when i was 17...does that mean i didn't grow up? not at all. does that help? i am not trying to be confrontal or upset anyone. just adding my opinion. i hope that was ok.

[princessa]

Because you're only 21 and obviously haven't been married. I, just like many people here, am in my second marriage, which doesn't only consist of kisses, cuddles, passionate sex, and going to the discotheque together.

 

It's always a mistake to assume things about people you don't know. There's the rule yes, but you do bump into the occasional exception from time to time. ASSUMING is always a big mistake. In life and in work. Funny thing is that it takes a 21 year old to teach you that.

 

While it's true I haven't been married, you're just plain out assuming things about the strength and dynamics of my relationship.

 

I also deal with questions like: what the hell am I doing with this man when we have nothing in common and we spend hours in the same room doing each their own thing?

 

You deal with that kind of thing in your marriage? Honey I wouldn't settle for a date if it had a hint of what you've just described. Nothing in common with him? It's no wonder you're wondering so much about games and have such a hard time imagining how two people can connect and understand eachother, and get to a level where pride doesn't mean anything anymore, even for two people who are usually egotistical and stubborn.

 

When I was 21, things were different. I assume you're not married yet. So you simply can't tell me what you know when you don't know what I know.

 

It's useless to "know" so much if you're not able or willing to teach it. What's the wisdom you tried to share with your thread? That when you have hard times in your relationship it's due to one of the two playing a game? I'll argue the value of that.

[Tony T]

I just want to say that there are some excellent thoughts here by a number of people, but I think RecordProducer has outdone herself. The thoughts she has expressed in this thread are very helpful to me...and have given me a great deal of insight. Others have certainly helped me learn a lot as well.

 

If it took smoking pot to come up with this great stuff, I would think about encouraging RP to do it more often. However, I cannot do that because asking people to do things that are illegal is against site guidelines.

 

GREAT THREAD!!!

[Guest]

Oh yes RP.

[Tony T]

Before telling me to grow up, perhaps you could back that up with a logical explanation, or shall we debate why is it that you think that a smart-assed comment will overshadow your unability to back up your arguments?

 

Also, why do you speak in such a manner as if every statement of yours was a fact which was merely not being properly grasped by everybody else on the forum? This is a place for debate and argument, not restating the same point until others stop posting.

 

We need to stop being argumentative here.

 

There is nothing wrong with a person putting up things as facts...as they see them...for themselves. If others get something out of it, fine. If not, no big deal. Isn't it possible for people to write what they feel here and not start a World War III.

 

I understand perfectly everything that RP has written and it makes a LOT of sense to me. If it makes no sense to others, that's quite OK. There are MANY things in life that made absolutely no sense to me at one time...but eventually the light turned on and they took on real meaning.

 

I think educated people know how to read posts and understand how the thoughts have been advanced and what the author's intentions are. Some things are true for some, not for others.

 

One day we will all come to understand that everybody's different with different experiences and different outcomes and that's OK...and we won't start wars about it.

[princessa]

I think educated people know how to read posts and understand how the thoughts have been advanced and what the author's intentions are. Some things are true for some, not for others.

 

That was exactly my comment to RP. Thanks.