Over Protective Boyfriend

[Steff_a_nie]

Hello,

 

My name is Steffanie and I'm pretty new at this so please be kind and bare with me.

 

I have been in a LDR for 3 years (well, 3 years in 20 days to be exact) and I have a boyfriend that is EXTREMELY over protective. I think it's sweet that he cares so much but there needs to be a little more understanding and a little more freedom in regards to my social life.

 

So i'll keep it short and simple, Does anyone have any advice for me on this issue? What do i do or say to him that will make him undertand that i need more freedom?

 

Any replies of advice will be appreciated.

 

Thank you in advance,

 

Steffanie

[tanbark813]

You're not going to get very many good responses unless you give examples of how he's overprotective.

[Steff_a_nie]

Thanks tanbark813 ...

Here are some examples:

 

1) I am planning my mothers Stag and Doe/Wedding and he doesn’t even think I should be going because there will be other men there. (paranoid much?

 

2) He gives me a number of times I can go out in a month.

 

3) He wont let me drink unless he's with me which is once a year.

 

4) He hates when I go out after school (I am a student at the university of Waterloo) and if I do, he makes my night a living hell calling, me a bad girlfriend and a bad person for not being home...

 

Its mainly just little things like that but I can assure you that they add up and it gets so frustrating

[bluechocolate]

If he is this controlling at a distance just imagine what he's going to be like when & if you eventually get together! Bad news I'm afraid.

[littlekitty]

If he is this controlling at a distance just imagine what he's going to be like when & if you eventually get together! Bad news I'm afraid.

 

Exactly!! My god, why are you putting up with it, even at long distance?!!

 

Is he allowed to go out and drink? Is he allowed to go out with his friends?

 

As blue says, what's it going to be like if you actually end up living close? Right now you can probably just about deal with it, because he's not close enough to control your every move. With someone this controlling, I find it unlikely that any talking will make him understand or give you more freedom.

[SoleMate]

Does anyone have any advice for me on this issue?

 

His behavior is not sweet, it's obnoxious and controlling. Men can get away with this crap in Saudi Arabia, but no reason why we free women should have to endure it. If you literally are not "allowed" to ever be in a social or public setting with "other men", then you will basically have to live under house arrest with the curtains drawn.

 

I'm afraid this one does not appear fixable. Men with these ideas have a poor record of changing their behavior. No surprise, since they don't see anything wrong with what they're doing - why would they change? Also be aware that he is likely the double standard type and may be getting up to quite a bit of activity on his own.

 

What do i do or say to him that will make him understand that i need more freedom?

"Our relationship is over, please don't call me any more."

[Steff_a_nie]

If he is this controlling at a distance just imagine what he's going to be like when & if you eventually get together! Bad news I'm afraid.

 

 

But he claims that it's just that fact that he doesn't trust anyone else... or just because he's not here with me to protect me... I love him to bits... I'm just becoming intolerant.

[Steff_a_nie]

"Our relationship is over, please don't call me any more."

 

That's out of the question, I'm afraid. I love him too much and i know he'd be different if he was here. I know this mainly because he's been down here before and was quite content in seeing me hang out with men and drinking etc... He just worries...

[Growlrifle]

To the ppl telling you to dump him, please ignore them unless your absolutly sure he does it to control you.

 

He could do it because he is scared of losing you, I sometimes have this same problem when I get all angsty. It could be a mental thing that he needs some help with. You could try talking with him and reasuring him nothing will happen. Maybey go to some councelling (psychology) together to see if it might be a fear that he has that needs to be dealth with.

 

Just don't be too harsh on him but also come up for yourself. If you feel like going to a movie then go. Just reasure him that you won't leave him and that you love him that he doesn't need to be afraid because you'll always come back. After he sees this for a few times and loves you alot he will see that you won't leave him. If he doesnt he might need some councelling as I said earlier.

 

If he on the other hand does it to control you because he likes that then I agree with those other ppl. Think about letting him go. But from what you tell us here it seems he loves you alot and that isn't the case.

[Island Girl]

1) I am planning my mothers Stag and Doe/Wedding and he doesn’t even think I should be going because there will be other men there. (paranoid much?

 

Whether he thinks you should be going or not - it doesn't matter. Of course you should go. You need to be supportive of your mother and events in her life too.

 

2) He gives me a number of times I can go out in a month.

 

And it is your choice to accept the perimeter or not. You can say to him, it is unfair of you to put a limit on my activity because of your insecurties.

 

I will do other things to help you feel more secure - like calling when I get home, etc. There are possibilties like that. But I will not let you dictate my life with rules based on your fears.

 

3) He wont let me drink unless he's with me which is once a year.

 

Again -- he says it. You have the choice of making it a rule or law.

 

The word 'let' --- WTF? -- He LETS you? --

 

What does he have a shock collar on you or something? Give me a break.

 

These are all your choices. You are the one who doesn't stand yup for yourself and run your life the way you want to. Your choices.

 

4) He hates when I go out after school (I am a student at the university of Waterloo) and if I do, he makes my night a living hell calling, me a bad girlfriend and a bad person for not being home...

 

You sooooo need lessons on the art of turning situations around -- that is what he is doing to you, flipping the situation around and making it all about other things when he is simply insecure.

 

Put this to rest --- EVERY TIME he does this. Tell him in a very calm voice - "you are ranting because you are insecure. I have done nothing wrong and I won't be treated this way. I care about you but I will not allow you to yell at me or tell me lies (that you are a bad person, etc. - 'cause you're not so that is a lie -- get it?). When you can talk normally please call me back. Until then I will refuse to talk to you".

 

Say it calmly -- all together -- whether he is yelling over you or not - whether you think he is listening or not. Then simply hang up.

 

If he calls back, pick up the phone.

If he is doing anything other than speaking calmly and rationally hang up.

 

Its mainly just little things like that but I can assure you that they add up and it gets so frustrating

 

I assure YOU they are NOT little things.

 

This exact situation is listed under the patterns of domestic abuse:

 

• Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.
  
• Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

 

It may not be easy to identify abuse. An abusive relationship can start subtly. The abuser may criticize your appearance or may be unreasonably jealous. Gradually, the abuse becomes more frequent, severe and potentially life-threatening.

"It's important to know that these relationships don't happen overnight," says Patterson. "It's a gradual process — a slow disintegration of a person's sense of self."

However, many characteristics signify an abusive relationship. For example, you may be abused if you:

• Have ever been hit, kicked, shoved or threatened with violence
  
• Feel that you have no choice about how you spend your time, where you go or what you wear
  
• Have been accused by your partner of things you've never done
  
• Must ask your partner for permission to make everyday decisions
  
• Feel bad about yourself because your partner calls you names, insults you or puts you down
  
• Limit time with your family and friends because of your partner's demands
  
• Submit to sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will
  
• Accept your partner's decisions because you're afraid of ensuing anger
  
• Are accused of being unfaithful
  
• Change your behavior in an effort to not anger your partner

This is taken directly from:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044

 

Knowledge is power put a stop to it now --- this is CLASSIC.

 

Don't let it go any further and take action to stop what is already happening.

 

Let him know you won't put up with it.

[SoleMate]

To the ppl telling you to dump him, please ignore them unless your absolutly sure he does it to control you....He could do it because he is scared of losing you...

You mean, you see those at two separate motivations? On the contrary, I believe they are often one and the same. Desire to control the partner usually does stem from some kind of fear - of abandonment, loss of face, loss of power. It comes from a position of weakness.

 

That's not a reason to tolerate it, any more than one should tolerate cheating, physical or emotional abuse, substance abuse, mooching, or any other destructive behaviors if they come from some personal problem on the part of the person misbehaving.

 

There is a nuance here of course - IFF Steffanie (the OP) asks him to stop, and lets him know how big a problem his behavior is, and he AGREES with her premise that she is entitled to normal adult autonomy, and works hard on fixing his behavior...then sure, it may make sense to continue the r/s.