Giving a Cheater 1 more chance

[Guest]

I am new here and I am not sure where to post this, here or the gender identity one... I have seen similar threads and I just want to see what people say about this.

 

I have a long story... All I ask is that you don't judge me and if that is what you are going to do please don't relpy... I am just looking for other peoples point of view and and advice someone might have to offer

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years, we have known each other for about 3 and a half. I have known that he is bisexual although he didn't admit it to me until about 4 months ago... it was an emotional process for him as he was not 'out' to anyone. As of now only about 6 people know. What I didn't know until 4 months ago when he finally admited it was that he has acted on this. He started meeting up with guys about 5 months before we started dating, started having sex with a few of them about 2 months before we started dating. He stoped having sex with them about 9 months ago. I realize that he cheated on me for a long time and that is hard, however over the last 4 months I have come to realize that he really loves me and will not cheat on me ever again.

 

There are a lot of reasons for this and it has taken many many nights of me talking to him about it with both of up being completely honest. I know you night think that he is probably not being honest with me, but I am sure that he is. I know more details about what he has done and his thoughts behind it than I ever really wanted to know, if he wasn't being honest why would he tell me all of this? He obviously wants to be with me... if he didn't he would have left a long time ago as I have been an emotional wreck for the majority of the last 4 months, mostly because I was/kinda still am insecure about what he could do in the future.

 

Since I found out all of this I have made him go get tested (as I did) and we are both clean, when he got tested it had only been a little less than 5 months since his last sexual contact with a guy so the doctor reccomended that he come back in a few months and get retested especially if he doesn't intend on having sex with guys again. We have an appointment in a few weeks for him to get retested so that we are absolutly sure.

 

I am still completely in love with him and I want to stay with him. My problem is that two of my three best friends think that I am being compeltely stupid for staying with him and tell me this constantly. THe one who isn't saying that has actually listened to me and heard my reasoning the other two say that there is no excuse for what he did and I agree with that. How can I get it across that I am forgiving him and giving him one more chance... one that is it...

 

I am sure that people on here have given a cheater one more chance, I am sure people have given a cheater more than one chance. What did your friends think? Did anyone have a friend who basically hated you for giving him/her another chance? I just hate the fact that they won't even let me explain what him and I have talked about, and why I am giving him another chance.

 

Side Note: I was going to write more but I am tired and cannot figure out how to word it clearly right now, so I will add more in the next few days... Any advice is appriciated, just please don't tell me that I should break up with him or that I deserve better... I have heard all of that before, I just have a gut instinct that I should stay with him.

[LeeAnn26]

Hi there!

 

I dont think that people dont deserve second chances (am giving my partner the benefit of the doubt at the moment too..)

 

What worries me in your situation is that it was not just one "fling", but different partners over a long period of time (if I understand your post correctly)?

 

Does he not actually have a preference for men in general? Would he be able to deny his atttraction to males over the long term?

[SoleMate]

I am sure people have given a cheater more than one chance.

Yes, my previous counselor said that in the majority of serious relationships, the first revelation of cheating is followed by reconciliation.

 

What did your friends think? Did anyone have a friend who basically hated you for giving him/her another chance?

I've never had a friend who had the effrontery to criticize my personal choices in that way. Your friends have no right to criticize your life or your choice, and you have no need to defend your decision to them. I hope you can find the strength to say, "I appreciate your concern for me, and I would be grateful if you would not comment on Ruben or our relationship ever again."

[ely]

Well, he was honest, you love him, give him a chance but don't forget that If you forgive you will have to live with what he did and this will always be on your mind. It is a really hard thing to do. Now more than ever protection is a MUST!

[dgiirl]

I think if you can clearly understand the reasons behind the cheating, and the partner shows deep remorse for what they've done and you can trust that they'll never do it again, giving them another chance is acceptable. As for your friends, I agree with Solemate, you need to find the strength to tell them that you appreciate their concern but this is something you've decided to do, and if they cannot accept the decision then it's time to end your friendship. They dont have to like the decision, but there is no reason for degrading you for it either.

[lovelorcet]

What are you looking for here anyways? You do not want to hear anything that would argue against your gut feeling? I think that is closed mined and unrealistic. I think you love him and you do not want to see reality for what it really is. Your partner cheated on you and did that for a long period of time. He lied to you and broke your trust. I had a SO that I decide to forgive for a one night stand and I can tell you that took more out of me then I would ever be willing to give another person again.

 

The other fact is that your SO is gay and desires something that you can not and never will be able to give him.

 

I think deep down you know all of this that is why you are looking for any shred of affirmation that you can find. You didn’t find it in your friends and now you are here.

[hecheated]

I decided to register so that it is easier for me to post. So here I am.

 

Hi there!

 

I dont think that people dont deserve second chances (am giving my partner the benefit of the doubt at the moment too..)

 

What worries me in your situation is that it was not just one "fling", but different partners over a long period of time (if I understand your post correctly)?

 

Does he not actually have a preference for men in general? Would he be able to deny his atttraction to males over the long term?

 

You did understand my post correctly he had sex with several guys for about a year and a half... yes I know that this is a long time. He has told me that he is not as attracted to men as women, he also says that he had his fun with guys and doesn't really have any desire to have sex with a guy again, I take that as he still has some of the fantasies but doesn't intend to act on it. I do believe that he partially feels this way because he knows how much he hurt me and doesn't want to do that again. Thanks for your concern... it is appriciated.

 

Yes, my previous counselor said that in the majority of serious relationships, the first revelation of cheating is followed by reconciliation.

 

 

I've never had a friend who had the effrontery to criticize my personal choices in that way. Your friends have no right to criticize your life or your choice, and you have no need to defend your decision to them. I hope you can find the strength to say, "I appreciate your concern for me, and I would be grateful if you would not comment on Ruben or our relationship ever again."

 

I have asked them not to get mad at me for the chioces I have made, I guess I need to be more blunt with them, I will try that. I know I don't need to defend my decision but it just kills me that I am basically losing friends over this. Thanks!

 

Well, he was honest, you love him, give him a chance but don't forget that If you forgive you will have to live with what he did and this will always be on your mind. It is a really hard thing to do. Now more than ever protection is a MUST!

 

I do know that I will have to live with what he did, I am living with it right now. I am not saying that it has not been a hard journey but I am doing ok so far mostly due to the fact that he has been completely honest and he has answered every question that I have asked. As for the issue with protection, we have always used protection and we will continue to do so.

 

I think if you can clearly understand the reasons behind the cheating, and the partner shows deep remorse for what they've done and you can trust that they'll never do it again, giving them another chance is acceptable. As for your friends, I agree with Solemate, you need to find the strength to tell them that you appreciate their concern but this is something you've decided to do, and if they cannot accept the decision then it's time to end your friendship. They dont have to like the decision, but there is no reason for degrading you for it either.

 

Thanks, I agree with you completly. They have no right to judge my decisions. As for the giving him one more chance he knows that he only gets one, if he messes up I am gone for good.

 

What are you looking for here anyways? You do not want to hear anything that would argue against your gut feeling? I think that is closed mined and unrealistic. I think you love him and you do not want to see reality for what it really is. Your partner cheated on you and did that for a long period of time. He lied to you and broke your trust. I had a SO that I decide to forgive for a one night stand and I can tell you that took more out of me then I would ever be willing to give another person again.

 

The other fact is that your SO is gay and desires something that you can not and never will be able to give him.

 

I think deep down you know all of this that is why you are looking for any shred of affirmation that you can find. You didn’t find it in your friends and now you are here.

 

I have to say that I don't think that I am being closed minded... I simply asked people not to judge me for my choice and not to tell me that I deserve better or that I should break up with him. I have heard all of this from my friends and while I unerstand the concern I am allowed to make my own decisions. I do admit that it has taken a lot out of me but I still love him and to me it is worth it if he is not feeling the same about guys as he did a year ago (I do understand that his feelings will not go away completely). You are saying that my SO is gay, I can assure you that this is not the case, he is bisexual, yes there is such a thing eventhough some disagree. He also says that he does not desire sex from guys anymore, he desires sex and more from me, and if it weren't me it would likely be some other girl. He never wanted a relationship with a guy, even if we had not been dating I doubt that he would. He is bi not gay. Is that hard to understand? As far as you thinking that I am just looking for any shread of affirmation that I can find, this is not the case, as I mentioned in my original post one of my three best friends agrees with my decision and my thoughts behind it. The other two do not understand and won't even give me a chance to explain. I am looking for other peoples thoughts on the whloe situation but mainly how to deal with my friends not approving.

[hecheated]

Does anyone else have any advice, or comments, on what to do about my friends?

[nicki]

I would give your friends a big hug. They are watching out for you. This is a BAD situation. Of course, it's your choice.

 

It's just that it's hard to watch your friend throw their life away and say "Well, that's okay."

 

Personally, I'd do everything within my power to convince a friend NOT to stay with a gay guy who cheats on her. I might even have to walk away from the friendship if she stayed with him.

 

Now, how do you know that he won't have urges to be with a man again? From what I understand, it's impossible for a gay guy to stay away from men indefinitely. Most likely, he will cheat again.

 

Why are you settling for so little? He didn't just cheat once. He cheated MANY MANY times with DIFFERENT men. That's a pattern of sheer selfishness. He did not even consider you or your health for one minute.

 

Oh, if he is wanting to sleep with men, he is GAY. "Bi" just means that he is GAY but will sleep with a woman, too.

 

Please consider what you are doing. Ask yourself where you are going if you stay on this road? What is going to happen to you? How could you ever trust this man again? Especially when his lifestyle could give you AIDS.

 

Sorry to be harsh. I must sound like your friends Please be careful.

[SueBee3490]

Hecheated,

 

It seems alot are concentrating on the fact that your bf is bi. I would be more concerned with he cheated on you OVER AND OVER again over a pretty long period of time. It doesn't matter if it was with men or women! If he had went out once with another man while with you and was sorry and realized how much you mean to him, then I'd be more apt to tell you to hold your relationship together but from what you said he kept this from you for a few years - that's unacceptable.

 

Believe me, I'm going through the same thing only my bf went out OVER AND OVER again with women over a 2 1/2 yr period and didn't let me know - that to me is unacceptable. I was also put at risk for AIDS, etc. I know you love him - I loved my bf too but for me it's the betrayal, the selfishness, and the secrecy of it all. You, like me, have a cheating bf, not a cheating husband. It seems that if they want to cheat, they could let us go, we have no children together, no assets together, etc., and then they can go about their way. It's not like some posters on here whose husband/wife cheats and they have alot more together than us. I just don't understand it. I think your friends are concerned for you and want what's best for you. Think about it, if one of your gf's had a cheating bf (and he was straight - seeing many other women while dating her) wouldn't you want her to have better than him? I think you may do exactly what your friends are doing.