Starr1 Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 How's it goin everyone, I was just hopin to get some advice on my situation. I've been a friend with this girl for about 3 or 4 years. We've done a lot together with other friends and rank her as a good close friend on my list. We know a lot about each other cause we provide an ear during each others tough times. Anyway, yesterday, I was at a carnival with her and some other buddies, for all Australians, Perth Royal Show. During the day, out of completely nowhere while we were watching some farm animal judging, she just happens to tell me that she has fallen for me, has liked me for a while and thinks we should get together. Now, if I was say one of my friends, I'd probably be like, yeah, sure, why not, we got along great but since I'm different (I'm asexual), I'm not interested at all in entering into a relationship with anyone. The more puzzling thing is, SHE KNOWS THIS AND KNOWS THIS VERY WELL!!! So after the day out was over, I sit here thinking, why would she say such a thing, how exactly does she expect me to respond to that etc. We're both 20 and now I'm tryin to think of a way to kinda, you know, as the saying goes, let her down gently while preserving our friendship cause I really do value her friendship. I'm thinkin she is playing mind games with me a bit cause she likes to play around like that but it wouldn't be like her to do that kinda stuff with a subject such as this. I dunno but anyway, any advice on how to gather some sense and relieve the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted October 4, 2006 Share Posted October 4, 2006 In order to do this: let her down gently while preserving our friendship cause I really do value her friendship. I suggest you gently remind her of this: Now, if I was say one of my friends, I'd probably be like, yeah, sure, why not, we got along great but since I'm different (I'm asexual), I'm not interested at all in entering into a relationship with anyone. If I understand asexual correctly, the extent of a relationship with you would be an awful lot like your friendship. If she know this too... I'm wondering has she had a bad relationship recently? Maybe she is trying to avoid romantic relationships for a while... On the other hand, some people like a challenge - - maybe she thinks she can change you, y'know, "for your own good." Which, being that you are asexual, sets her up for disappointment. If she is playing head games - that's not a very good friend. You are who you are. If she is doing this to mess with you, I think that's cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starr1 Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 Yeah thanks for the advice Grateful, according to her, her last boyfriend was about 9 or 10 months ago, didn't last very long between the two, only reason I know is because as I said, we both lend ears to each other very often so we know a lot about each others lives. Anyway, I gave her a ring today since I wanted to tackle the issue as soon as possible and felt she deserved the explanation as soon as possible. Let's say, it kinda didn't end as I hoped. She picked up the phone and after hello, how are you doing etc etc, I was pretty much straight to the point. I basically told her what I had said in my first post about why she told me and asked over such a thing when she knows full well about my sexuality. She replied with something along the lines of, oh come on, there are homosexuals and bisexuals there's no such thing as asexuality, it's pretty much secluded to those guys and girls who aren't getting enough hormones in their system, are in denial about their techniques to find a partner or have had some very bad experiences in their life and through not wanting to be hurt again or truama, convince themselves that they are in fact asexual. She's a relatively smart girl, knows a lot but I didn't appreciate how she was reacting in questioning how I think about the whole situation. We debated a bit and in the end, it ended with her pretty much saying, look, you say to the rest of the boys and girls, you are always willing to try anything once (I am for most things:laugh: ) so here is your chance to get your first girlfriend and possibly something more. It's up to you to which I replied with a simple yeah and a friendly goodbye. So now I'm just comprehending the whole situation and trying to squeeze out all the awkwardness... Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Um, excuse the ignorance but......... explain Asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Anyway I was reading up the other thread that you posted about being a virgin.. In in you mentioned that you do masturbate. That alone equals being sexual. So I don't think you're Asexual, just that you're probably not attracted to that particular girl. Are there some types of girls that attract you? I'm not asking if you spend your time sitting outside on a bench and drooling at every pair of glues that walk by, but is there a certain type of girl that you have in your mind that is attractive to you? I'm bringing this up because I believe that before you start looking for solutions to your problem with this girl, and how to handle the situation, it is important to identify correctly what the problem is. And I happen to doubt that you are indeed Asexual as you say you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starr1 Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 Asexuality - Where a person has no desire for either gender and therefore, doesn't usually engage in sexual action Grateful put it right when she said that a relationship with me would be very similar to a friendship with me, no intimacy really of any kind. As for if there is any type of guy/girl that attracts me, no otherwise I wouldn't be calling myself asexual:laugh: . I've never felt "love" or lust (I'm 20) for any gender and while I can't find the post that you explain, I do remember saying I do masturbate very rarely. While I won't say what I do think of, I will say it's not men or women and it's nothing that weird, I hope anyway Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I........ think you need to see "somebody" and by "somebody" I mean entity with pill-prescribing powers Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 While I won't say what I do think of, I will say it's not men or women and it's nothing that weird, I hope anyway I will be the judge of that! Spill it. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Well, a friend just laid a bombshell... I expected this thread to contain a story about a close friend of yours who had slept with this amazingly hot girl 'laid a bombshell..' Very disappointed I have to say. Asexual can also mean having no evident sex organs - I really hope this isn't the case Starr. Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I will be the judge of that! Spill it. I concur! Link to post Share on other sites
Moai Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I can't fathom what you could think about besides a man or woman while masturbating that wouldn't be weird. I gotta know, man! That is not to say that just about everyone thinks of something "weird" when masturbating, so I am not using that term perjoratively. I once rubbed one out thinking of Mrs. Garrett on "Facts Of Life." Now that is weird... Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Is that to say that you are just going through the "motions" (har har) when you do masturbate? Do you not feel anything at all? Can you feel anything? And when you say that you dont fantasize about men or women, are we talking something of the animal persuasion here? I will say it's not men or women Could it be a herm or she-he then? or is that the same thing? Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 I........ think you need to see "somebody" and by "somebody" I mean entity with pill-prescribing powers I think you might want to see "something," for instance this website asexuality.org, so that you can be more sensitive to Starr1's identity. to Starr1: It sounds like she was trying to change you, i.e. saw you as a challenge. Maybe you could give her some literature on asexuality (or point her towards that website) so she will stop thinking of it as something that you will "grow out of." Link to post Share on other sites
CrushedOrgans Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Is that to say that you are just going through the "motions" (har har) when you do masturbate? Do you not feel anything at all? Can you feel anything? And when you say that you dont fantasize about men or women, are we talking something of the animal persuasion here? Could it be a herm or she-he then? or is that the same thing? has it ever occurred to you that people aren't only turned on by living organisms?? Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 has it ever occurred to you that people aren't only turned on by living organisms?? Hahahah... omg actually.......... sometimes instead of porn i like to look at cars Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starr1 Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I........ think you need to see "somebody" and by "somebody" I mean entity with pill-prescribing powers[/FONT][/COLOR] Nah, I'm good [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I expected this thread to contain a story about a close friend of yours who had slept with this amazingly hot girl 'laid a bombshell..' Very disappointed I have to say. Asexual can also mean having no evident sex organs - I really hope this isn't the case Starr.[/FONT][/COLOR] lol fair enough and the last time I checked, it wasn't the case [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I can't fathom what you could think about besides a man or woman while masturbating that wouldn't be weird. I gotta know, man! That is not to say that just about everyone thinks of something "weird" when masturbating, so I am not using that term perjoratively. I once rubbed one out thinking of Mrs. Garrett on "Facts Of Life." Now that is weird...[/FONT][/COLOR] Ya wanna know, eh, fine, the touch and smoothness of metal, that's not to say when I touch metal I have an orgasm, just I use the sensation of the touch in my mind when I go through the process and no, I don't touch metal when I go through the process either [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Is that to say that you are just going through the "motions" (har har) when you do masturbate? Do you not feel anything at all? Can you feel anything? And when you say that you dont fantasize about men or women, are we talking something of the animal persuasion here? [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Could it be a herm or she-he then? or is that the same thing?[/FONT][/COLOR] haha, now thinking of animals WOULD be weird has it ever occurred to you that people aren't only turned on by living organisms?? Precisely [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I think you might want to see "something," for instance this website asexuality.org, so that you can be more sensitive to Starr1's identity. to Starr1: It sounds like she was trying to change you, i.e. saw you as a challenge. Maybe you could give her some literature on asexuality (or point her towards that website) so she will stop thinking of it as something that you will "grow out of."[/FONT][/COLOR] Thanks for your advice & understandin once again grateful, I am truly grateful [/FONT][/COLOR] Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 has it ever occurred to you that people aren't only turned on by living organisms?? Has it ever occurred to you that I was just asking questions driven by mild curiosity? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I have never heard of people being turned on by metal.... Must have lived a sheltered life. Seriously I will learn a lot being on here. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I have ED and suck at sex, but I still love women and think about them all day long. Am I asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Do you want to have a relationship and experience love, intimacy and sex? Is it something in future you would like to have happen? I'm not just talking about sexual desire, but emotionally connecting to someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Almost Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Wow, I find it hard to believe that some people can be asexual. I'll have to check out that web site. I never heard of anyone getting turned on in a sexual way by smooth metals, or cars for that matter. I would say maybe I'm asexual, but I am attracted to women and like to look at porn sometimes. I don't feel a burning need to go out and try to hook up with anyone with a pulse. I have a lot of long dry spells where I'm not getting any, and I don't feel compelled to lower my standards just to get some. Often I don't understand how so many people have such a hard time not cheating on their significant others. It seems hard enough to find one person you're compatible with, I can't imagine being in a committed relationship and actually finding another person with whom I'd feel compelled to cheat. Does that mean maybe I'm asexual because maybe I don't feel compelled to have sex with any woman I find halfway decently attractive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starr1 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 I have ED and suck at sex, but I still love women and think about them all day long. Am I asexual? Forgive me for not knowing what ED stands for (My mind isn't with it today) but I'd say no to your question seeing as your performance in sex has nothing to do whether you would take up the chance to have it or not plus as you said, you love women. Do you want to have a relationship and experience love, intimacy and sex? Is it something in future you would like to have happen? I'm not just talking about sexual desire, but emotionally connecting to someone. Now that's an interesting question. I would like to experience love at least once in my life because seeing from an outside point of view at how it changes my friends thinking, values and attitudes, I would be interested in seeing how I would react myself when put in such a situation. As for intimacy and sex, not interested whatsoever. I guess that's why I like the theory of friendship more. You have buddies who you have a connection with (mine anyway since 5 of us have all known each other 15+ years) yet it's not high enough to warrant all the stuff in a relationship. Is it something I would like to experience in the future? To tell you the truth, I shudder at the statement. I never really got the appeal to intimacy and sex (maybe cause I've never been in love:rolleyes: ) and don't really ever see myself going out of my way to get those things. IMO, there is nothing better to have than close friends to laugh with you in the good times and pick you back up in the bad times (god knows I've picked back up a lot of my buddies when their relationships fail:( ) I would say maybe I'm asexual, but I am attracted to women and like to look at porn sometimes. I don't feel a burning need to go out and try to hook up with anyone with a pulse. I have a lot of long dry spells where I'm not getting any, and I don't feel compelled to lower my standards just to get some. Often I don't understand how so many people have such a hard time not cheating on their significant others. It seems hard enough to find one person you're compatible with, I can't imagine being in a committed relationship and actually finding another person with whom I'd feel compelled to cheat. Does that mean maybe I'm asexual because maybe I don't feel compelled to have sex with any woman I find halfway decently attractive? IMO, I doubt there is anyone who would feel compelled to have sex with a woman who they found attractive. That paragraph is a lot like the attitude of my friends when they don't have girlfriends. They won't really go out of their way to get some but if it's offered and they're in the mood, they're not going to say no. Then again, there are many definitions of asexuality, one being a person who abstains from sex, one being a person who abstains from intimacy & sex, one being a person who doesn't feel attraction for either sex and I'm sure there is others oh, btw, in case anyone wants to know, my friend and I have worked things out lol, among other things, she apologised for the speech she gave me which I wrote in my earlier post, said I was a great friend (Greatest compliment ever ) and not to worry about it all. Thank god that's over... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 It is possible you just have a fear of getting close emotionally and intimately with a woman because you're scared of getting hurt? Again, this isn't just about sex... ED is erectile dysfunction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starr1 Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 It is possible you just have a fear of getting close emotionally and intimately with a woman because you're scared of getting hurt? Again, this isn't just about sex... Hmmm, I suppose it's as possible as anything else but I guess that is something only a psych can help ya find out. I dunno why I would be cause I was never abused as a child or anything and a couple of my best friends are women so, as far as trusting them, I don't have any probs. Usually most of the circumstances that you describe are suffered by those who have already been in a relationship yeah? As a person who has never been in one, I doubt I've experienced the hurt that others have experienced through relationships. Usually the statement I hear isn't, afraid of getting hurt but it's afraid of getting hurt AGAIN. I dunno but I suppose if that was so, deep down inside, I'd know it, well, at least I hope I'd be true enough to myself to be able to know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Noos Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 I can't fathom what you could think about besides a man or woman while masturbating that wouldn't be weird. I gotta know, man! That is not to say that just about everyone thinks of something "weird" when masturbating, so I am not using that term perjoratively. I once rubbed one out thinking of Mrs. Garrett on "Facts Of Life." Now that is weird... I'm laughing out loud at the Mrs Garrett reference! What did you find attractive about her - the wobbly head, the Gibson girl hairstyle? OMG! Link to post Share on other sites
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