Freedom Now Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 Makes perfect sense to me. No answer IS an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baileykeg Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 I know that no decision is a decision for him. He has chosen to be where he is right now...in limbo. I just don't understand why choose to be in that place when you don't have to? The last time we spoke he said he was so depressed, miserable, missed me and was on the verge of tears all the time. I don't understand why if I make him happy like he tells me over and over and if he knows his marriage is over then why choose to remain in this place of pain and misery when he doesn't have to? No one is MAKING him stay where he is. I just don't get it. Why be miserable? I want to talk to him so badly right now. I miss him so much. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the weekend without picking up the phone. Our conversation yesterday where I told him that I didn't think that having a set NC time was a good idea is killing me. I truly don't believe that in a month anything will be any different as far as him making a decision to file the papers but that doesn't make me any stronger and more able to walk away from this situation. I love him and I have a huge hole in my life without him. Doesn't help at all that my 2 year old son has spent every day of the last week asking for him. Ouch!! I need some help to be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 He will stay in limbo unless you make him realize what he is missing through NC. It may be you it may be his wife but it will make him think. I know it is hard I never missed a day of talking to my GF for 5 years and now it's been 3 weeks other than the 1 day she called to end it and the one that she called to yell at me for crying to her best friend. NC is not easy but you must be strong. Good luck.... Understand you deserve more and if he cannot or will not give it that is not fair to you and your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baileykeg Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 I just feel so alone right now. I want to reach out to him and hear his voice. I know if I picked up the phone that he would tell me how much he misses me and how much he loves me. I need to hear that but then a little voice reminds me that if I do pick up the phone then I will also hear that nothing has changed. I just feel like I'm on hold right now. I don't know when or IF he will ever make a decision about what he wants in his life. That is so painful for me because together we are so happy and so much in love. I'm trying to "keep busy" and not think about him but the thoughts of him are always there. I just miss him so much. I worry and wonder what affect my call had on him the other day telling him that I didnt think a set date to end NC was a good idea. Is he just going to give up on me completely now and move on? Did I hurt him by saying that? I don't want to hurt him or play games with him. Will he move faster now toward a final decision? I hate this being in limbo period. I just want him back in my life. How do I stay strong in this when it feels so wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I feel totally alone too. I miss her voice and would love to hear it too. Even when she called to yell at me for talking to her friend it was great to hear her voice. I know nothing has changed and even when I asked her if she loved me she said she did not want to lead me on. We are on hold but that is our choice. We do this and only we can change it. We cannot change them only they can do that. They have to want us back and until they do we wait or move on. Just keep your mind busy. Read, watch a movie or just post on here. Good Luck Im right there with you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 What was the catalyst, do you think, that made your OW leave you? Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I think she waited for me and someone else got in her head. I know she loves me but is afraid I would leave her again. I also think asking her to marry me really made her wonder why for so long I was able to be FWB and the toll that that took on her was great. Now she questions why if I loved her so much I would put her through that. This other guy she is hanging with is probably fun, safe and puts no pressure on her. I put a ton of pressure on her when I asked her to marry me and I think it pushed her over the edge. Will she come back? I don't know. I hope so because I love her with all my heart. She still has the ring and she hasn't tried to give it back. She had told me it meant the world to her 2 months ago and I don't see how that would change. I think she just needs time to get her crap together. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I can personally attest to that fact that being an OW takes a tremendous toll on a woman's body and spirit. I have no doubt that she went through a multitude of emotions in the past three years. I am sure she is scared to death of you hurting her again. Because I am the same way. The pain is so great...you just cannot put yourself in that situation again. So, you leave. Sit tight. That is all you can do. If she loves you, she will come to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 But what if she has gone to someone else? I really feel she has. I know she doesn't love him but it hurts me so bad. Is she doing this to show me the pain she felt? Here is her last email to me does it sound like there is hope? xxxxxx, I did not waste 5 years...I do love you and you know that but I played second best for the past 2 years and I don't ever want to go through that again! I am sorry! Always know that no matter what I'm here for you!!! I'm not going away forever! I just need to do some soul searching and also I don't want to cause anymore pain for you... I will always remember all the amazing times we had together...xxxxxxx, xxxxxxx, getting pulled over all the time, xxxxx, xxxxxx, xxxxxxx (xxxxx all things we did) and so on!!! XOXO I am extremely sorry! xxxxxx Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Sounds to me like you need to fight for her. Make her be NUMBER ONE in your life now. Show her she is the one you want. It is a delicate thing to do, though. I would start out with something romantic, like flowers to her work. No phone calls, no emails, just flowers. That will let her know that you are thinking about her with no pressure. She is afraid that you are going to hurt her again. She has good reason. Go slowly with this woman. She is tentative about you at best. Like I said, if she loves you, she will come to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Hmmmm.... Just read your other post. You've already done the flowers. Knowing more now, I would leave her alone. Let her come to you. Make no more contact. It is human nature to want what you cannot have. You are the poster child for that right now... Let her miss you. Let her wonder about you. Let her come to you. She knows you love her. Hang on to your self respect and dignity and don't beg or plead with her. Just disappear. If she loves you, she will find you. Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 See my reply to your other post to me... Where you asked if I could give more info. I did try the flowers to work and have been nothing but there for her. She has totally pushed me away for 4 months and now I believe she is with the rebound guy. I want to call her, I want to send more flowers I want her to know that I will never leave again but until she realizes it I think she is gone. I hope she looks at the ring everyday and thinks of what she could have with me because rebound guy is nothing and he wants no life with her. He already has an ex wife and a kid and soon she will see she is playing second to someone else again, his child. Thank you so much for the input. I tried the begging pleading crying and have written volumes of how much I love her and how sorry I am and that it will never happen again. She is just too hurt. Did the letter sound like there may be hope in your eyes? I just wish I could hold her and tell her everything will be alright. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I just feel so alone right now. I want to reach out to him and hear his voice. I know if I picked up the phone that he would tell me how much he misses me and how much he loves me. This isn't about whether or not he loves and misses you - You know that he does. The main issue is, nothing will change! He says the words, you say the words, but the situation remains the same. Things are the way the are because they have to be. You can accept this and move on, or stay where you are and be stuck in limbo waiting for a long time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Not being her, it is hard to say what is going on in her mind right now. I DO know that affairs are devastating to the OW. Perhaps she needs time to heal from all of the pain. Hope? It is such a dangerous thing. I had hope for a long time with my MM, but he ran me through the ringer over and over. I had no choice but to save myself and make him extinct in my life. It could be that she is where I am. It would take super heroic efforts on my MM's part to get me back. It would take alot for him to erase the memories of the pain he has caused me. But, if he truly, truly loves me like he says he does, he will try. You are trying. She knows how you feel. I would stress that you do not beg or plead any longer. Let her marvel at your self control and self respect. That is catnip for most women. Pull back and give her the space she needs. Unless there is absolutely no spark left, she will respond to that. She will make a move towards you. It is simply human nature. Peace to you my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Thank you very much for being a big help. I think she will too. I just wish rebound guy was out of the picture. I just know he is filling her head with crap. I cannot even defend myself as I cannot talk to her. I have not seen her since I moved out of my ex's house. It is so weird that that is all she ever wanted for 3 years and she gets it and I ask her to marry me and then she dumps me like a pile. Are women that cold? Was she just trying to win and get me away from my ex? Damn I have so many questions. But for now all I have is NC and my cat. Oh yeah and these forums. I know in her heart and mine that she loves me but maybe after she is done doing what she is doing her pride will not let her come back. Then NC will have killed everything... Sorry that you went through the MM thing gand it was so painful but thank you for your insight. I know it put her through hell and I have told her that and apologized from the bottom of my heart. I want to make things right and she knows that so now I sit and wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I tend to believe that if someone really and truly loves someone with all of their heart and soul, NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, will keep them away from the object of their affection. People don't just shrug their shoulders and walk away from someone they truly love. They put pride aside and GO FOR what they want. If it is meant to be, it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 I agree and she has told me more than once within the last several months that she loves me with all her heart and soul. I think in time she will dump rebound guy and contact me. I hope that this will make us a stronger couple and I will never ever let her be second best again. By the way I was not a dirtbag I went back with my ex to try and work things out which I never did and even told her that I was too emotionally attached to my OW. My OW wanted the FWB option and I could not resist. I never slept with my ex the whole time only the OW and she knows that. I am not saying what I did was right but I do want to fix it. 5 years is allot to throw away. You are a Kind Soul Freedom THANK YOU and a big HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG..... Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Hugs right back atcha... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baileykeg Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 In my case our break-up was a mutual decision because we both knew that we couldn't move forward with our relationship until he resolves his other. I'm struggling so much with this right now though. I really miss him. I told him that I couldn't wait anymore for him to give me 100% and figure things out. I don't know when or if we will talk again. We had a set date in a few weeks to talk but now I don't know if that is going to happen. Why then do I feel like the bad guy here? Will he just give up on us now and not fight for what we have? How can he tell me he loves me so much and then leave me to figure out what he wants. I'm so confused and so lost right now. I'm scared that by putting my foot down that he won't come back. What's going through his head right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 If he loves you, he will fight for you. Guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I'm scared that by putting my foot down that he won't come back. What's going through his head right now? That's exactly how I always feel too Bailey. Really don't know what to suggest. Only thing I can say is that for some reason I feel quite strong at the moment. Neither of us have officially initiated NC this time but he hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him. It has been a week now. Yes, it does hurt, BIG TIME, but I am coping ok. I feel pretty empowered even to the point that I am NOT going to contact him on his birthday tomorrow and I know he will be expecting me to. Do you know what? I really can't be bothered with it all at the moment. Not saying I won't speak to him if he calls or won't contact him at a later date but at this present time my attitude is f**k him! He's put me through enough and if he can't leave to be with me then he obviously doesn't love me half as much as I love him! Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Be strong... We can only let them treat us badly for so long. I miss mine every waking moment and have not seen her in 1 month and 1 week and she hasn't called other than to yell at me 1 week ago. It hurts and I cry everyday. I am trying to be strong. That is what we must do. Find support here and in your friends. Do things that take your mind off them. I had to go to a Dr to get sleep aids and he said I needed anti depressants. My life is in the crapper right now but I am trying to be strong. I gave up everything for her and she turned around and tore my heart out. Remember be kind to others and try and post to others and give them support as this will also help you to heal. Someone has it worse than us if you can believe that. Good luck and be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baileykeg Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 I hurt so much this morning. I called him and he didn't answer so I didn't leave a message. His caller i.d. will show that I called though. I just need to hear his voice so much right now. I'm trying really hard to stay busy, refocus and all of that but the pain is overwhelming right now. How can he do this to us if he loves me so much??? Posh, I'm proud of you for being strong about your MM's birthday. You are doing the right thing even though it may not feel like it. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 You have to be more strong. I know it's not easy I want to call her everyday. The pain and hole in my stomach hurt so bad. Even the meds arent taking the edge off. This pain will ease trust me. Hope is all I have left and once that fades I am not sure where I will be. But I just try and keep my head up and move forward. Thats all we can do. Find comfort in friends and family and this great site. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baileykeg Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 Well I completely fell apart today and called him. I know, I know. I shouldn't have done it. We had a long conversation. He is sticking with his belief that on the date we picked to meet again (Nov. 4th) that he will have an answer one way or another...either he will get divorced or he will try to work it out with the W. I asked how this time of NC will be any different than any of the others in the past. He claims that he has agreed to a "deadine" and knows that he has to put an end to this indecision. He agrees that this limbo is ridiculous and it's time to stop. I asked how he's going to be able to come up with an answer this time when he hasn't been able to make a decision about resolving his marriage for a year and a half...six months before we even got involved. He claims that he has finally gotten to a point where he knows he has to make a decision. He says he's going to have some hard conversations with the W in the next couple of weeks and not let her cry and whine her way out of them making a decision this time. He says enough is enough. He says he loves me and wants to be divorced so we can have our life together. He says though that he has these unresolved issues with the W that he has to get past. I told him that I don't understand why he doesn't know whether he wants to make things work with her. It seems so black and white to me that either you want to be with someone or you don't. Am I just not looking at this the right way?? He says being with her doesn't make him happy. He says that it did in the past but that he doesn't know whether they could ever get back to that point. Again...am I not looking at this the right way....either you want to work it out or you don't. He says that he knows that going back to her would me a lot of sacrifices for him. He would have to give me up, probably give up the hope of having his own children (she 40 and doesn't want to) and several other things. I know everyone is going to say just give it time and see what happens. I've tried doing that for so long. I told him that I really believe that on the 4th that either he will have not made a decision and then we will have to end or his decision will be to go back to her and we will have to end. Either way we end. He says he doesn't know that and if he did then he would tell me now vs. waiting until then. He says he just doesn't know what he wants and that this time will force him to make a choice. I don't want to feel like I've given him an ultimatum. He says he doesn't feel that way and that it is HIS choice to put a deadline on himself and put an end to this limbo for all of us. I've tried making him think that I'm doing more than just sitting here on the couch crying. I told him that I had gone out with someone else and that I would continue to do so. I told him that right now the other person is filling my time but that perhaps in time that would change. The other guy knows about my situation and is willing to be there for me even if it's just to help me get stronger. My questions to all of you.... 1. What are your thoughts on my situation? 2. What do I do now? 3. How do I wait it out and hope that on the 4th he won't be coming to tell me that we're over forever? 4. Am I wrong to believe in all the things he has told me about how much he loves me and how happy I make him? He says that he knows we could have a wonderful life together once we get past this stuff because we make each other so happy. 5. Is there anything I can do to save us? Link to post Share on other sites
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