Crazy thoughts during NC???

[Chapter2]

I know everyone is going to say just give it time and see what happens.

 

Why on earth would anyone say that to you? He knows without a single doubt in his mind who has the control in this relationship....HIM. He knows you are waiting, desperately, pleadingly, hoping and praying that you will be who he so lovingly chooses on November 4th...

 

I am not mocking your pain as I know EXACTLY how it feels. I've done every single thing you are doing and you are fooling yourself if you think things will change. Your only option is to cut him off completely! If he wanted so badly to be back with his wife then he'd be there. It wouldn't take him until November 4th.

 

What makes you think even if he chooses you on November 4th and gets a divorce that he won't go back to her to finish "unresolved business" again?

 

CUT HIM OFF and he will snap the he!! out of his perpetual limbo. DO NOT WAIT until Nov 4th. Be unpredictable, be in control of your life and your future...you are giving him every single bit of control and he knows it.

 

Be assured that I love my xMM more than you could ever imagine. I really, really do and I can't imagine that ever changing. What had to change was my insistance on being a grown woman with no control over my own life and my own emotions. I was truly a puppet that sprang into action in reaction to whatever he gave me that day or hour. That is no way to live. You aren't there yet.

 

You will wish you had done this now because there is no way around it later. He knows you are waiting. He knows you will keep waiting. He knows you aren't going to stop waiting. BE UNPREDICTABLE!!!!!!!

 

PS: I'm really on your side and I see myself in you from months ago so I promise I'm not beating you up. I just want more for you even though I don't know you at all. Want more for yourself:)

[Baileykeg]

Thanks Ch. 2. I don't feel like you are beating up on me. Honesty is what I need and I appreciate you telling me what I need to hear. You are right...I am desperate. So desperate to hang on to him and yet desperate not to put my life on hold. I'm just stuck right now. He is the one in control and it's making me miserable. He knows that I don't want to wait around for a decision but I have no choice here. I tried to regain some of the control and told him that there was someone else I had gone out with recently that wanted to see me again. I told him that I would probably go and he said that it hurt him to hear that but that he knows this is a situation he's created. I asked him to just tell me now that this is over so I can move on. He says that if he truly felt that way he would have told me. He says that he loves me and that he will have a decision one way or another by the 4th. He says that he knows that I have to do whatever is right for me in deciding whether I wait or move on without him. I just don't know what to do anymore. You say to take some of the control back but how can I do that if we aren't supposed to be talking to each other? What do I do now? I do love him and want him to come back to me but on the other hand I don't want to spend the next 25 days waiting to see if he's going to rip my heart out again? What can I do here?

[Chapter2]

It's as if you are standing in front of him saying, if you don't do this I'm gonna walk or I'm gonna date or I'm gonna X or X or X....he knows you are bluffing BK....because you are still standing there!

 

He can say all day long that this is a situation he has created...so did mine. He can be truly undone by the fact that you are seeing someone else....so was mine, the thought of it literally made him vomit in front of me. Until you behave as if you could CARE LESS, he's not going to pay attention. His words aren't matching his actions but neither are yours. You can tell him all day long that you are seeing someone else but until you behave as if you don't care what he thinks or does he is not going to feel it is a real threat because he knows it isn't.

 

I've told you how to get the control back but it isn't what you want to hear so you ask the question again. I'm sticking with my original answer. You have to do something unpredictable and out of character or he's not going to buy it. You are in the best position you can be in in regards to being the OW...he's already out of the house.

 

He already knows you love him, you've proven that. Wake him up already. Be done with all this nonsense...he will notice and you will get the reaction you so desperately long for.

 

I have a question for you. What are you doing right now or in the past that has worked for you?

 

Thanks Ch. 2. I don't feel like you are beating up on me. Honesty is what I need and I appreciate you telling me what I need to hear. You are right...I am desperate. So desperate to hang on to him and yet desperate not to put my life on hold. I'm just stuck right now. He is the one in control and it's making me miserable. He knows that I don't want to wait around for a decision but I have no choice here. I tried to regain some of the control and told him that there was someone else I had gone out with recently that wanted to see me again. I told him that I would probably go and he said that it hurt him to hear that but that he knows this is a situation he's created. I asked him to just tell me now that this is over so I can move on. He says that if he truly felt that way he would have told me. He says that he loves me and that he will have a decision one way or another by the 4th. He says that he knows that I have to do whatever is right for me in deciding whether I wait or move on without him. I just don't know what to do anymore. You say to take some of the control back but how can I do that if we aren't supposed to be talking to each other? What do I do now? I do love him and want him to come back to me but on the other hand I don't want to spend the next 25 days waiting to see if he's going to rip my heart out again? What can I do here?

[Baileykeg]

I'm not sure I understand your question Ch. 2. I've never been in this situation before so I can't relate to what worked and what didn't in the past. I don't know how to be unpredictable like you say. We are in NC so how would he even know what I did or didn't do in order to try to get over him or show him that I've moved on? I tried to do what others have done and deleted his #s from my phone today. All that did was make me feel sad and it's not like the numbers aren't ingrained in my head so it didn't really make much difference if they are there or not. I blocked his email address last night but of course the first thing I did this morning was check the trash to see if he had sent me something. You say to do something unpredictable. Like what? I don't want to spend the next 24 days like this. Beyond not talking to him for the next 24 days what are my options?

 

I'm terrified that in these next few weeks that he will give up on us and go back to her. How do I let go of all the things we said, hoped for, planned, etc. and be comfortable knowing that he's going back to a miserable situation???

 

I asked if I could talk to his therapist thinking that since she already had the background of what we're dealing with that she might be able to help me. He gave me her number and said he was fine with me doing that. I haven't called her yet because I don't know if she will even be willing to talk to me. Plus she is 2 hours away from me so logistics may be a problem. Is this a good idea or a bad idea?

[Baileykeg]

Ch. 2 when you say his words aren't matching his actions what are you referring to?

[Freedom Now]

Until he honestly believes that he is losing you or her (whichever one he loves most), he will not make a decision. He has both of you.

 

Stir things up a bit. Make him wonder IF he can get you back. It is hard to explain and even harder to do. But, if he loves you, he will seek you out and find you.

 

You must give him the impression that you are tired of this nonsense and that you will not stand for it any longer. He will respect you if you stand up for what you want without whining and complaining.

 

Take a stand. That is what she is trying to say. In essence, your demeanor should be such as this: If I can't have ALL of you, you get NONE of me.

 

If you lose him, then you have your answer. And the same ending would have ended perhaps YEARS from now. So, by doing this now, you win. Either he comes to you or you save yourself YEARS of limbo.

 

Because, let's face it. He isn't gonna make a decision if he doesn't have to. And, does he REALLY believe that you will leave when the decision day comes and goes without him making his choice?

 

Probably not. He knows you will still be there no matter what.

 

Shake up his world. Take control in a situation that is spinning wildly out of control.

[Freedom Now]

And, it seems that Chapter2 and I are on the same page, so I would think that she would concur with what I am saying.

 

Sorry Chapter2 for speaking for you, but I sense that you and I are in the same boat. Therefore, I felt that I could answer some of the questions she had for you.

 

[Baileykeg]

If we aren't talking until Nov. 4th then how am I going to take a stand and let him think that he's lost me? Is truly not contacting him between now and then enough? I don't want to play games here. He knows that I am weak and that I can't go more than 4-5 days without contacting him. We last left it with me telling him that I was going to move on with my life and start telling myself to give up on the dream that he and I would be together and have all the things we planned. I told him that I was going to start spending time with someone I've gone out with recently that wants to see me again. I told him that right now that person is just filling my time but that I couldn't promise that those feelings wouldn't change in time. I told him we could talk on the 4th and see how I felt. He said it hurt him to hear me say these things but he knew this was a situation that he created. So, given that what else can I do to (1) help me truly move on and (2) make him realize that he really might lose me if he doesn't get his act together and make a decision? Is not talking to him for the next 24 days enough?

[Chapter2]

Freedom, you can speak for me anytime, sister:)

 

And, it seems that Chapter2 and I are on the same page, so I would think that she would concur with what I am saying.

 

Sorry Chapter2 for speaking for you, but I sense that you and I are in the same boat. Therefore, I felt that I could answer some of the questions she had for you.

 

[PoshPrincess]

If we aren't talking until Nov. 4th then how am I going to take a stand and let him think that he's lost me? Is truly not contacting him between now and then enough? I don't want to play games here. He knows that I am weak and that I can't go more than 4-5 days without contacting him. We last left it with me telling him that I was going to move on with my life and start telling myself to give up on the dream that he and I would be together and have all the things we planned. I told him that I was going to start spending time with someone I've gone out with recently that wants to see me again. I told him that right now that person is just filling my time but that I couldn't promise that those feelings wouldn't change in time. I told him we could talk on the 4th and see how I felt. He said it hurt him to hear me say these things but he knew this was a situation that he created. So, given that what else can I do to (1) help me truly move on and (2) make him realize that he really might lose me if he doesn't get his act together and make a decision? Is not talking to him for the next 24 days enough?

 

Bailey, I think if you want to be with him that much (which you obviously do) then waiting till 4th November is all you can do. Thing is, you must be prepared that come this date things may still not have changed, which is what happened with me. Like your MM, mine didn't like hearing about other men (not that there was too much to hear) but used to say that if I met someone else that was the chance he had to take and then it would be his loss, blah blah blah ......I think maybe we are just involved with weak men but in your case hopefully time will tell x

[Freedom Now]

Do not break NC. You admit that he knows that you are weak. Show strength.

 

Ignore his calls if he contacts you. And DO NOT contact him.

 

Let him miss you.

[Baileykeg]

I will try to be strong this time and not break NC until the 4th. I'm also going to to talk to a counselor.

 

I am so afraid that by telling him that I had gone out with someone else that he will see it as "oh well she's going to be ok and move on with her life so I'll just give up on us". Will he think that? I'm so afraid what this time apart with NC will really do. How do I get over that fear?

 

I pushed him yesterday to just tell me now that we are over so I can move on and he said that he couldn't tell me that because that wasn't what he had decided. UUGH!!!!

[FrogWart]

I just wanted to thank all of you for contributing to this post. Posh, Ch 2, Freedom now all of you! I just posted a plea for help about whether or not to go through an NC with my OW because I was afraid it would devastate her. I had no idea how much affairs devastate the OW DURING the affair not just after. I really had no idea. Someone here talked about "predictable pain" vs "unpredictable pain". It is more humane for me to let her experience the predictable pain. I really REALLY DO love her. I want better for her. I also want my wife.

 

So the best thing for all is really to let OW go so she can the love she deserves from someone who will love her as much if not more than I do and 100% of the time, not just "my best effort". I can then focus on fixing my marriage. I really appreciate the words in this thread. I really never realized how much pain a woman goes through trying to carry on an affair - I always thought that was the fun part.

 

I also want to acknowlege the pain that goes into an NC, this is going to hurt me tremendously as I will miss her. But knowing it is better for her will help me stick to my decision. As I said I really do love her and loving someone means wanting what is best for them - even if that means stepping back and loving them from afar.

 

Let's stick together and help each other. These things are tough. But supportive people make us stick to doing the right thing even if we're feeling to weak to do so on our own.

 

Thanks again guys. VERY worthwhile reading for me.

[ImInPain]

Why do we let others hold our emotions on a limb? I am doing the same thing and all it does is hurt. I wish they would just leave us and say so or be with us and be done. This wishy washy BS just sucks. Mine ended it and then sent me a cryptic email that I am going to ask my therapist to translate. It is filled with double talk. Dammit it is sooooooo hard. I love her too much to let her go yet she is doing nothing but hurting me. I feel your pain. Good Luck.

[ImInPain]

I just wanted to thank all of you for contributing to this post. Posh, Ch 2, Freedom now all of you! I just posted a plea for help about whether or not to go through an NC with my OW because I was afraid it would devastate her. I had no idea how much affairs devastate the OW DURING the affair not just after. I really had no idea. Someone here talked about "predictable pain" vs "unpredictable pain". It is more humane for me to let her experience the predictable pain. I really REALLY DO love her. I want better for her. I also want my wife.

 

So the best thing for all is really to let OW go so she can the love she deserves from someone who will love her as much if not more than I do and 100% of the time, not just "my best effort". I can then focus on fixing my marriage. I really appreciate the words in this thread. I really never realized how much pain a woman goes through trying to carry on an affair - I always thought that was the fun part.

 

I also want to acknowlege the pain that goes into an NC, this is going to hurt me tremendously as I will miss her. But knowing it is better for her will help me stick to my decision. As I said I really do love her and loving someone means wanting what is best for them - even if that means stepping back and loving them from afar.

 

Let's stick together and help each other. These things are tough. But supportive people make us stick to doing the right thing even if we're feeling to weak to do so on our own.

 

Thanks again guys. VERY worthwhile reading for me.

 

 

I did leave my already ex for my OW and the pain was so great once she realized what she had been through she left me. I am devastated to say the least and I hope in time her pain will heal and she will realize I really do love her and only her. This could take years but she waited 2 for me I at least owe her something.

[Baileykeg]

Ok, so I'm at home last night painting the bathroom when my phone rings. I'm expecting a call from a friend so I grabbed the phone and answered without looking at the caller i.d. It was my MM. He was calling to tell me how much he missed me. I was kicking myself for not looking at the display and answering. We had a brief chat and I asked him why he was calling. I told him that if I had know it was him that I wouldn't have answered because we're not supposed to be talking right now. He said that he just missed me so much and wanted me to know. I remained strong, didn't cry and didn't ask any questions. I told him that I didn't want to get in to all of the other stuff because there was nothing left to say. He has a decision to make and needs to make it. In the interim, I'm going to try to keep my options open to see what life brings me. I asked him if we still needed to talk on the 4th and he said yes, if not sooner. I didn't ask what that meant. We said we love each other and then said goodnight. I felt very weird after the phone call. No pain, no tears just kind of like "hmmmpf...well that was nice". It's very strange. I keep waiting to fall apart now. I'm trying really hard not to "read" into why he called. I do want him back but it has to be different this time. I still fear that it won't be.

[PoshPrincess]

I also want to acknowlege the pain that goes into an NC, this is going to hurt me tremendously as I will miss her. But knowing it is better for her will help me stick to my decision. As I said I really do love her and loving someone means wanting what is best for them - even if that means stepping back and loving them from afar.

 

FrogWart, thanks 2 u too. The above comment is particularly helpful to me. My MM has now chosen not to leave because of problems he has with his daughter - he doesn't want to put her through any more pain - and that is hard for me to handle, although I totally respect his decision. It's hard that he loves me but has made the choice not to be with me, as he said, it's the sacrifice he's had to make, but I know now that I should move on and leave him to get on with his life. He doesn't need me making things more complicated for him. We will hopefully stay in touch (v occasionally) but I have to come to terms with the fact that we will never be 'together'.

 

Best of luck to you with your NC. You're doing the right thing.

[Baileykeg]

Posh, I'm so sorry to hear your news. I know the pain is great. I admire how mature you are in handling things though. I wish you lots of strength as you go through this time. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

I talked to my MM today. He says he was planning on calling me this weekend because he couldn't go any longer without hearing my voice. He says that everything reminds him of me. From our conversation I feel like he is anticipating coming back to me. Comments like our day scheduled to meet with be "a new beginning" or that he wants to move up this time so he can get it behind him. I don't know...maybe I'm just foolishly reading in to what he says because I want so much for him to come back to me so we can have the life we've dreamed of. He tells me that he loves me and misses me so much. Neither one of us is very good at this NC thing. I'm really trying but there get to be times where it's just too much to bear and I break down and call. I have feeling so vulnerable and leaving myself open to the potential that things will go the other way and our relationship will end. I've tried telling myself to be mad at him because the pain that I am enduring right now is ONLY because he CHOOSES not to make a decision. He could end this if he wanted and end my pain but he doesn't...that makes me angry. Unfortunately, it's not enough for me to hang on to and the feelings of loving him, and missing him creep back in and I'm back where I started. It's supposed to be 22 more days before the big discussion. I am trying to break away but I keep slipping back into my old ways. I need help!