Crazy thoughts during NC???

[Chapter2]

I really do believe that he will come back to you BK... you are in a position of strength right now but you've lost site of that. He will come for you if he feels he has lost you completely. I beleive that in your circumstance much more than in mine. It may take time but you have to ask if you want to live like this forever.

[Baileykeg]

I told him when we agreed to this time apart that I wouldn't just be sitting at home on the couch waiting for him. I told him that someone else had asked me out to dinner and that more than likely I would probably go some time in the next couple of weeks. He said that he couldn't even think about that and didn't want to hear about it or discuss it. I didn't tell him to hurt him....more like just to try to wake him up to the fact that there are other men who want to date me. I can't help but wonder...does he even think about that while we are apart? Does it make any difference?

 

I want to feel like I have some sort of control here but I just don't think that I'm ready to pick up the phone or send an email telling him to forget that we plan to meet in a month and that I'm moving on with my life. I just don't know what to do anymore. Is he just going to waste this time apart not making a decision one way or another?

[9Lives]

You can take the power back TONIGHT Baileykeg or any other night you choose. You can send him an email or call him stating that you respect his indecision and that you in no way want to force his hand in something so life changing... but that you also don't believe waiting another 29 days is the answer FOR YOU. Don't force his hand, don't give him an ultimatum, don't get angry and try not to cry. Keep the conversation short and to the point without hostility or manipulation. Compel yourself not to say things like "find me if you're ever free" or "I'll be here".

 

My MM knew I was hurting but, I thankfully and surprisingly, didn't get mad or starting sobbing. I simply said, "we both agree that I deserve to be more than someone's OW and I respect your decision to stay...good-bye". We were at the tail end of another cycle and he was feeling guilty and waffling again so that helped me make the final call. Had he been in hot pursuit stage...not sure I could have done it in all honesty.

 

Make the decision for him. One of you has to be the grown up. I think sometimes couples have to take turns being the grown up because we all have the capacity to act just like children.

 

It hurts like a mother to do this so think through it and get battle ready because that is what you are in and you'll be moving straight to the front line. But do continue to ask yourself if things are likely to change after 29 days....its a very good and very serious question.

 

I really feel sad for you, for me, for every one of us in the same boat, not pity, just sadness. Just keep talking all of this through but most of all trust your gut!! Its there for a reason:)

 

You should listen to this woman...she is wise. I am doing what she advised and it is really the only thing you can do. I can tell you this guy really does care alot about you but he wont make a decision with you being right there. There is no guarantee that he will come back but you have to just accept it. It is hard but you will never be happy this way. You will spend the holidays going thru the same old bull/shi/ It is just not worth it. I misss him...every bit of him but I dont want this relationship as it is now. He has tried to contact me but I just read it...signed...and did not respond. It hurt but he has made his choice meaning he is indecisive and all that. He wants to leave but .....this and that is the reason. So I had to just leave it alone.

[9Lives]

I told him when we agreed to this time apart that I wouldn't just be sitting at home on the couch waiting for him. I told him that someone else had asked me out to dinner and that more than likely I would probably go some time in the next couple of weeks. He said that he couldn't even think about that and didn't want to hear about it or discuss it. I didn't tell him to hurt him....more like just to try to wake him up to the fact that there are other men who want to date me. I can't help but wonder...does he even think about that while we are apart? Does it make any difference?

 

I want to feel like I have some sort of control here but I just don't think that I'm ready to pick up the phone or send an email telling him to forget that we plan to meet in a month and that I'm moving on with my life. I just don't know what to do anymore. Is he just going to waste this time apart not making a decision one way or another?

 

He is not going to make any changes. I was gonna do that but I was miserable and to top it off...he is not going to make the move you want. He has to do this ON HIS OWN. That is what you are not realizing...he dont really want to. He says he does but he is not ready. Or else he would make a way to make it work out and be gone. Not in a negative way but he would make a way. HE IS NOT READY....You are going to get hurt even more baby

[9Lives]

Thank you Ch.2 for your thoughts. As I read it I felt as if so much of it was coming out of my own heart. I'm having such a hard time right now because I know that I'm truly not at the point to be able to commit to NC like I should. I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet. I'm still sticking with the NC right now but it was more of an agreed up thing for us rather than me putting my foot down and walking away. Everyone posts about doing NC and the feeling of power it gives them. In my situation, this is an agreed upon time apart with an end date 29 days from now. What will happen on that date I have no idea.

 

I guess my problem with gaining some feeling of control with NC is that I don't have any way to take some of the control from this situation. It is what it is.

 

I emailed him today by accident sending him an email that was intended for a client. Their names are right next to each other in my address book and I didn't pay attention to what I was doing. Anyway, he emailed me back to let me know that I had sent the email to him instead of my client. He also said that he missed me very much and hoped that I was doing well. He said that he was having a really hard time but that he knew we were doing the right thing. I emailed him back and asked him to clarify exactly what he was having a hard time with. He replied that he just missed me a lot and was really depressed. I didn't respond.

 

My emotional responses to his email have been mixed. First I am angry with him for missing me and being miserable when he is the one that created this situation. He could put an end to it at any moment but he chooses not to. Then I am so sad because I miss him so much. It is so hard not to talk to him. I then begin to wonder how NC is actually going to help in this situation. If he knows that he's going to see me in a month then where is his motiviation to change anything. All we will have done is spent a month apart both being miserable. How is this supposed to make him make a decision? What should I do?

 

 

Man, everytime I read your post I feel like I wrote it. I made the big step of NC because of the indecisiveness and I know I did the right thing even though it is very hard. You have to. Yeah he miss you and all that but he is not going to buge because he is not clear in his mind. I am telling you ..you have WOMAN UP. Or just except that you are the ow and quit b/itching....that what you will continue to be. YOU CHOOSE...he loves you but he WILL let you be th ow for a long as time if you let him

[9Lives]

Thanks KHLF.

 

I have had my weak moments, you can be sure of that.

 

But, I am doing this for me. I have NCed so many times....well....let me just tell you that I am embarrassed by all the starts and stops with it...

 

I understand keenly where everyone is. But, after some serious soul searching and thinking, I decided that THIS IS IT. Not only did I go NC (again), I prevented him from contacting me. It would take super heroic efforts on his part to find me and contact me.

 

There is no turning back now. It is a win/win situation. If I never hear from him again....good riddance. He obviously loves his lifestyle more than me. And I don't need a man like that in my life. I want to be number one. I deserve it.

 

And if he comes to me FREED, then it will be a "do over..." No secrets, no shame, and no hiding. A win/win for me. AND, I kept my dignity as I walked out the door. No crying and whining. Just dignity and class.

 

It hurts like no other sometimes, but this is what needs to be done. It was long overdue. And I feel empowered for the first time in months. To know that I stopped the nonsense, the craziness, and torment, and the pain....That, too, keeps me moving along.

 

It is do or die time now.

 

And, THAT is what is keeping me strong.

 

He needs to come to me FREE and with a PLAN.

 

And, if not, it wasn't meant to be. Simple as that.

 

Is it hard to square up my shoulders and face the possiblity of never seeing him again? It was. But, I never really had him. I had to face that. The only way to be free was to free MYSELF. So I did. I took control from him. He no longer has access to ME.

 

If he loves me, he will find me somehow.

 

And if he doesn't: like I said before, it wasn't meant to be.

 

wow!!!! You are a real woman. He knows it too. That man is missing you and knows that he has to come correct this time. I tip my hat to you. You the man so to speak. I am EXACTLY where you are. I just can do it no more. Enough is enough. I believe his love was real and all that but his lifestyle was his choice. I say to him....You made your choice..Now live with it. Love will find me again. I want him back but on better terms. I am not waiting because it gives me hope and I am scared to have hope. I love him so I just decided to leave it alone.

[Freedom Now]

I can mirror everything that Chapter2 is saying.

 

Get a partner to help you through. I have one also. She is strong when I am weak. She empowers me on a daily basis when I am hurting.

 

I do not know what I would have done without her. She is my lifeline in times when I hurt. And I do hurt deeply.

 

But, it was time for me to literally take the bull by the horns.

 

Thanks 9lives. I do believe that he must miss me, but he must come to me free. Nothing less will do. And my friend, my confidante, my sister keeps me strong. She keeps me on this path. She will not let me fall.

 

She understands exactly where I am. She is my lifeline.

 

Chapter2: We are in this together. Never forget. I am here.

[9Lives]

Thank God for good friends who UNDERSTAND. I mean I am where you are mentally to tee. Yes I hurt and I feel it everyday but that is just going to have to be a part of it. I dont have a choice. It is just hard and just sad. But if he wants more too...then he will make it work.

[Freedom Now]

I understand.

 

More than you will ever know.

 

You are on the right path. And if he loves you, he will come and find you.

 

[Chapter2]

I won't forget...iron sharpening iron...we can do this.

 

Chapter2: We are in this together. Never forget. I am here.

[9Lives]

I understand.

 

More than you will ever know.

 

You are on the right path. And if he loves you, he will come and find you.

 

 

You know Freedom Now.....I cant even think like that for my own sanity. I am scared to have hope at all. just terrified so I try not look at it this way to be honest.

[Freedom Now]

I have very little hope, really. Perhaps a shred, but not much.

 

The overriding factor with me is that at least I got to leave on MY terms. I walked away when he was in hot pursuit. He still wants me. And that is a good place to be, I think. Not ideal, but I left him wanting me.

 

Will he leave? Probably not. But, I prepared for this. I am prepared to never see him again. And, if he stays married, it is for the best. I don't want him this way.

 

Have you cut him off? Or are you just not responding to NC? I think it is a stronger stance to cut him off. PREVENT him from contacting you.

 

I honestly don't think that the whole NC thing is enough. I did it. It didn't work because he still had access to me. He still knew he could get in touch with me when he got weak.

 

If you haven't already, shut him completely out of your life.

 

You win both ways. You get your life back and you get your dignity and self respect back.

 

I cannot stress it enough. NC is NOT enough for some of these men.

[Freedom Now]

Stick to your guns. You win no matter what. I truly believe that.

[PoshPrincess]

Yes, I believe that "paralyzed" is exactly the point his is at right now. I really don't have any idea what he thinks this remaining 29 days is going to do for him or allow him to do. I feel like all it is doing for me is putting my life on hold until he comes back and tells me that nothing has changed. He hasn't been able to make a decision for us in the 9 months that we have been together so why would I believe that a month of NC would actually make a difference? How do I get some feeling of control during this next month? How do I get over the gut wrenching fear of what he is going to say when we meet in a month?

 

Bailey, the first time my MM initiated NC rather than me it was an agreed period of time (2 weeks) in which he was going to sort his life out one way or the other (whether to stay or leave). After two weeks he phoned and said, "I left...." and of course, there was a "but" coming. The "but" being that his daughter was so devastated that he felt guilty for hurting her and went home. Thank God I hadn't known at the time that he had left or it would've been even more painful. It certainly sounds like your man wants to be with you, as mine does. Just don't think mine has the courage of his convictions. He loves me, but at the end of the day, his kids come first, he doesn't want to hurt them, and I guess although it doesn't do me any favours I can only admire him for that. He probably wouldn't be the man I love if it was so easy for him to walk out on his responsibilities. So, I know how hard it must be for you, waiting for something to happen. I hope your MM has the courage to do what makes him happy. Sometimes you have to put your own happiness before other people's.

 

Chapter2, your posts are really encouraging. I am going to keep reading them to try and knock some sense into myself!!!! Lots of luck.

[9Lives]

I have very little hope, really. Perhaps a shred, but not much.

 

The overriding factor with me is that at least I got to leave on MY terms. I walked away when he was in hot pursuit. He still wants me. And that is a good place to be, I think. Not ideal, but I left him wanting me.

 

Will he leave? Probably not. But, I prepared for this. I am prepared to never see him again. And, if he stays married, it is for the best. I don't want him this way.

 

Have you cut him off? Or are you just not responding to NC? I think it is a stronger stance to cut him off. PREVENT him from contacting you.

 

I honestly don't think that the whole NC thing is enough. I did it. It didn't work because he still had access to me. He still knew he could get in touch with me when he got weak.

 

If you haven't already, shut him completely out of your life.

 

You win both ways. You get your life back and you get your dignity and self respect back.

 

I cannot stress it enough. NC is NOT enough for some of these men.

 

To answer your question, I have cut him off but he knows where I live and work. He knows my home, work, and cell phone number. He can find me. But I am not doing any talking or anything. I dont really consider this NC...I consider this to be moving on and staying away. Today is rough. I am feeling it. But Freedom Now.,,,the holidays are coming. It is about family and friends. I dont want to be in wishing and wanting mode with him. I dont want to have the separation of him over there and me over here. All of that stuff I just dont want to go thru anymore. Last year he did very good. He made himself available on the holidays which was so sweet. But he knew all along that I wanted it all cause that is what we said we were going to do. He said he was leaving.

 

I think he chose his lifestyle over me. I just cant do it anymore on this level.

[Freedom Now]

Stick to your guns.

 

Has he tried to contact you during this time? If so, I would block him from your phone numbers. You need to make it virtually impossible for him to find you. Perhaps, then, IF, he has been trying to contact you, he will panic.

 

I couldn't do what I was doing anymore either.

 

I am moving on too. I am done being in the affair on ANY level. It wasn't right and this is.

 

Hold strong. You will have good days and bad days.

 

I am so sorry you are having a tough one today.

[broken wings]

You should listen to this woman...she is wise. I am doing what she advised and it is really the only thing you can do. I can tell you this guy really does care alot about you but he wont make a decision with you being right there. There is no guarantee that he will come back but you have to just accept it. It is hard but you will never be happy this way. You will spend the holidays going thru the same old bull/shi/ It is just not worth it. I misss him...every bit of him but I dont want this relationship as it is now. He has tried to contact me but I just read it...signed...and did not respond. It hurt but he has made his choice meaning he is indecisive and all that. He wants to leave but .....this and that is the reason. So I had to just leave it alone.

 

Broken, you must be in agony. That is something I missed SO, SO much. The wake up and good night calls. Its amazing how quickly we become dependent on that and when it stops its truly horrendous.

 

I'm not sure what the structure of your relationship is with your MM so I'm not sure how to respond...did he promies to leave her? Is he saying someday but not right now or are you okay with things the way they are?

 

I think Jane Doe's advice is wise but I also know that six months ago I would have read it and said, "no way sister, I will never leave him and nothing you say can convince me I should." Low and behold, I wish I had listened and had the strength to follow through with that kind of advice:( I just didn't have it in me yet. I felt unbelievable guilt for going NC each and every time and I knew he was hurting too. But, for me, something had to change and from what I could tell, it wasn't going to be him. He would continue to take advantage of having both lives as long as I allowed it. The cycle was repeating itself too many times.

 

Hang in there if at all possible. Your actions are screaming at him right now and complete silence will scream loudest. You're right, it would be simple for him to check in and he's making the choice not to. Those choices, over time, cannot be overlooked. They're just too painful.

 

Keep posting and try to ignore anyone that makes the choice to pass judgement on you. Judgement isn't what made me stronger, people loving me through all of this irregardless of my choices did.

 

Chapter2....thanks for your kind words. I woke up today day 3 of NC and already feeling stronger. I guess I need to put in a little more info about the relationship. We had been together for two years and the relationship was discovered but his wife swept it under the rug and they never really discussed it and their marriage remained the same (no sex, no love). we never even skipped a beat and kept seeing each other. Well finally last week she caught us red handed and after a few days of phone calls with me he was given the ultimatum by his daughters (both kids are over 30) to get therapy and work out the marriage and nc with me otherwise they would turn their back on him. I can't help but feel like a tool that was used to fix his marriage but if that is true then at least I helped them. I just feel drained from wasting two years of my life. I even feel I trashed my reputation as I openly dated him around my group of friends and co-workers and they all knew he was married. The funniest thing hit me yesterday or sad maybe..I was getting rid of everything that had to do with him. I literally have no pics of him and I together. Two years and no pics..how horrible. today is my clean start I am going to sign up for a sports team..go to europe with a girlfriend next month and be solo for a bit. I know he will call one day..or we might run into each other..and I hope he has good news about his new life. I know I will about mine..

[Baileykeg]

Well, after agonizing over this all night I decided to call him this morning. We spoke for a few minutes and he told me about how miserable he was and how much he misses and loves me. All I could think about was the fact that it doesn't have to be this way and the misery that he is feeling is because it's his choice not to make a decision about whether he's going to move on with his life. We could be perfectly happy if he would resolve whatever ridiculous crap is going on with his divorce.

 

Anyway, he asked how I was and I told him that I was doing fine with good days and bad. I told him that I had been thinking and that I just wasn't sure anymore if this set period of NC was a good idea anymore. I told him that I really just didn't think that anything was going to be any different in a month than it is right now. I told him that I wasn't blaming him and that I knew he needed to deal with his issues in his own time. I said that I just didn't see the point in waiting around the next month only to find we are in the same place.

 

He claims that he is working on finalizing things and that he knows it will all come to an end. He asked if we could just continue as planned and ride it out for the next few weeks until our pre-set date to talk. I told him that I just didn't know anymore and that I was tired of waiting for him to give me what I deserve....100% of him. Before he could talk me out of anything and before I had a meltdown on the phone I told him that I had to go. We said goodbye and that was it.

 

I feel numb right now. I know he loves me and I love him. We could be very happy together. I do believe that one day his marriage will end. When that will be I just don't know anymore. It's not fair for me to try to force that to happen though and for me to continue to drag this out by spending time with him and creating more memories is just not fair to me anymore. It's like Ch. 2 said...I'm choosing to go with the predictable pain now insted of the overwhelming out of control type pain. I am miserable right now and I miss him so much.

 

I wish I could hang on to the strength and resolve that I had when I picked up the phone this morning to tell him what I wanted. It's fading away right now and I am very sad. I don't know what happens from here.

[broken wings]

I woke up this morning and felt a bit better about my 3rd day NC with my mm. well he emailed and basically it goes on to say how he really didn't want to break his rules about NC but he wanted to see how I was. then he goes on to say that him and his wife are doing better and she even was considering joining him this weekend on his business trip..his wife just found out a week ago he was cheating. I feel so used but actaully relieved to be rid of such a weak man right now.I wasnt excecting him to contact me and be all lovey dovey but the whole life is great and hope we will always be friends thing is such a punch to the gut..has anyone else experienced this?

[PoshPrincess]

I woke up this morning and felt a bit better about my 3rd day NC with my mm. well he emailed and basically it goes on to say how he really didn't want to break his rules about NC but he wanted to see how I was. then he goes on to say that him and his wife are doing better and she even was considering joining him this weekend on his business trip..his wife just found out a week ago he was cheating. I feel so used but actaully relieved to be rid of such a weak man right now.I wasnt excecting him to contact me and be all lovey dovey but the whole life is great and hope we will always be friends thing is such a punch to the gut..has anyone else experienced this?

 

Broken, I feel for you so badly hearing that. Can't imagine how you must be feeling. I am always telling my MM to try and work thinks out with his W as I know he is unhappy at home. I figure if he isn't going to be with me then he may as well sort out his home life. Thing is, if he came back to me, said he'd been trying and things were working out I would be completely gutted so why do I do it? Trying to be a friend and shooting myself in the foot! Be strong. You're right, he IS a weak man - they all seem to be, mine, Bailey's, the lot of 'em. As I told my MM, they seem to enjoy playing the martyr and doing the so-called 'right thing'. He tells me, "It's not the right thing, it's the only thing I can do right now". Yeah, well.

 

Best of luck to you over the weekend too, Bailey. Like you have said to me, do whatever is best for you at the time as every sitch is different. I couldn't do NC either. Friends is what works for me right now but who knows how we will feel in a months time.

[broken wings]

Thanks Posh...sorry to write so much this morning but right after I wrote that message about him emailing me he called! we spoke for a long time and he is basically still having a hard time with losing me and not being in contact. I feel better that he did call because I really felt that the short email he sent about him and his wife doing better and me a friend forever was hurtful. Anyway I am not assuming his phone calls will take place every week or ever again but it really took a load off to be able to speak my mind and let him know I support him no matter happens. He needs to work it out with his family. I am not going to wait around for the results but I will always be there if he needs support.

[Baileykeg]

Thanks Posh. Broken hang in there too. I'm here if you need to vent. I don't have a support buddy right now. My MM was my support in my life and now that's gone. I'm struggling. I am not a patient person and feeling like my life is on hold (even though I told my MM that it's not) is destroying me, my self confidence, my appearance (weight loss), etc. Some days I just don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. Why can't he just make a decision and be done with it already? Does he just enjoy the misery that he's creating for himself? I don't understand it anymore.

 

I'll be checking in over the weekend because I really need the support from all of you.

[ImInPain]

Freedom Now did you have someone else that you were able to be with in order to get the strength to end it with him? It seems as though thats what my FWB/OW has done and that would make him the rebound guy. That will never work. He is just there to comfort her/you through the pain and her/you will never love him like the MM. I did leave my wife who was not even my wife at the time (ex) to be with the OW and then she left me. I am devastated to say the least. I truly love this woman and now rebound guy has her.

[Freedom Now]

Oh no. I do not have a rebound guy. Many men are interested in me, but none have captured my interest.

 

And it would be cruel to bring an innocent man into this equation.

 

I am not a rebound kinda girl. And I am DEFINITELY NOT into the FWB thing. Not my style at all. I like myself too much for that.

 

I am sorry about your pain. It sucks, I know.

[Jane Doe]

Why can't he just make a decision and be done with it already?

 

His doing nothing is still, in reality, doing something. In other words, the fact that he won't make a decision is in essence telling you that he's staying where he is. No decision is still a decision, as it keeps him where he is.

 

Does that make any sense?