Messed up and let her go, now she wants to be friends, what do I do?

[m52328]

I met this person almost exactly a year ago. She had been single for 3 years, was happy single, and then I came along out of nowhere and walked in her office one day. I was 22, out of a serious relationship for a year or so (I got cheated on by my "one", then got back together, broke up, etc etc). I had dated around, but nothing serious and I wasn't looking for anything serious either. I have always considered myself one of the good guys, and always the one in the relationship who tried hardest. I'm 23, she's 2 years older than me.

 

I started dating her immediately, and we connected the first night we went out. We were inseperable, but the entire relationship I never expressed to her my true feelings. I knew I cared very much for her, and I spent 24/7 with her, but I never told her how much I cared for her. We went 7 months or so, everything good. Before that point, I had a serious illness to where I couldn't really go out and party. So beforehand, I never really hung out with my friends or went out and drank or whatever. After I had the situation resolved in March of this year, is when her and I started growing apart. I wanted to go out with my friends more and more, and she wanted to do the complete opposite.

 

We ended up breaking up, around the beginning of May IIRC. She is a very emotional person, I am not. She fly's off the handle at any second, and I couldn't deal with it. We ended up breaking up for 1 week, then getting back together. That week she called me every night crying telling me how much she wanted me back and she would change, etc. and we got back together.

 

July of this year, the 3 words I dread the most came out of her mouth while her and I were out with friends. It caught me so off guard, and I regret every second to this day for not saying it back to her. She got upset, but we continued going out. I still never really communicated with her though, I never told her how much I missed her when she was away or how much I wanted to see her. IDK why, but I couldn't. It's just something I never did with this girl.

 

We fought all the time, mostly because I would never talk to her. I would never explain to her how I was feeling or try to make any of the fights better, I would just leave her and go home. She quit her job, got in to a car accident, and was in a low point in her life. I blamed a lot of it on her quitting her job and not wanting to work, when it was really the complete opposite. She couldn't handle being at her work anymore and had to get away, and she did. She then started preparing to go to school in September.

 

I told her I needed time away from her, time to where I could figure myself out and I just wanted to be alone. I had a bunch of friends I wanted to go out with, but she didn't. We would plan to do something apart, then her plans would always fall through right as I was walking out the door to go to meet up with my friends. I made the mistake of leaving her, and going with them. I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to get away from her just so I could spend some time alone or with them. She would constantly yell and tell me I was choosing my friends over her, and we fought even more.

In the middle of August, it got really bad. The last couple of weekends I saw her once a week, then tried to stay away. The second weekend, she brought all of my stuff to my house and called and told me. That following Monday, she messaged me while I was at work. I told her again I REALLY just needed time, really just needed some space from her. At this same time, she had just gotten her car back. Didn't have a job, no money, and was at a low point. I couldn't see this, I didn't and it's something I regret. We started arguing....again, like we always did. About how I was choosing my friends over her and I didn't want to see her (which, at the time was true I really just wanted to be away from her). She suggested we take a "break", which the last time I did that with my ex I got cheated on...so I told her I didn't want a break, and that I needed some independence but still wanted to be with her. It finally just came to the point to where I came out and told her I didn't want a relationship with her after about a hour of fighting over AIM while at work.

 

That was it. She said she would drop the rest of my stuff off the next day, which she did, and anything I had of hers to drop at her house. She then immediately started going out EVERY night with her friends. Friends I never even knew she had, but she had stopped hanging out with because of me.

 

She went from not wanting to do anything, with me or her friends, to doing nothing but drinking and going out now with her single girl and single guy friends. I held off from talking to her for about a week and a half, maybe 2; but then I started trying to talk to her again. I wanted to see her, and I also had stuff I needed to get from her. She was understandably very upset, and wouldn't even see me to give me the rest of my stuff. She had her mom leave it in the mailbox.

 

That was at the beginning of September. We messaged each other back and forth a little for a week or so, then about a week later we were messaging each other on a Saturday, and I ended up going and staying the night at her house. After that night, I thought she might give me a chance again, but it seems the complete opposite now. After that night happened, she came to my work a couple days later for lunch and EVERYTHING she had been holding up against me came out. She broke down, and all the anger and hurt came out of her. I told her I was sorry and IDK why I couldn't communicate with her, but that I wanted more than anything to show her who I really was; that I wasn't the unemotional inconsiderate guy she had been dating for a year and loved; but never gave her any affection. She said she would argue with me just for me to show her some type of feeling, some type of emotion; and she didn't know why I wouldn't talk to her or try to fix any of our problems.

 

I told her how much I really care for her, how much I want to show her this; I just didn't know how to before. That Tuesday happened, and a couple days later I wrote her a letter apologizing for everything I did, everything I said and that I regretted every second since I did or said them. That I wasn't really that person in our relationship, and to give me the chance to be the bf she deserved. We talked a couple of times, mostly just me apologizing to her over and over on the phone, and year crying/yelling telling me she hated me for what I did to her.

 

I saw her last weekend, and she told me she wanted to be friends; and nothing more right now. She says that right now she is just so hurt and drained that she doesn't want to be like she was before and get hurt, and that she doesn't know if she will ever trust me. I asked her about this guy she has been posting pics of on her myspace, and she talked to me about him. She had been hanging out and kissed, but nothing more really she says, but it was more of a convenience thing more than anything and she really didn't want it to go anywhere. He is one of the group of friends she hangs out with, and had just gotten dumped by his gf when I broke up with her. I believe her, but can't help to think that I might just be here until she makes up her mind with him...

 

I wrote to her again after that pretty much telling her how sorry I was that all of this happened, that I didn't know who I was at the time, and pretty much goodbye. Couple days later, she messages me just seeing what I'm doing and if I wanted to meet up that night. She had to go do something else, and we ended up not hanging out. The next day I called her to see if she wanted to hang out Friday. We ended up getting in to another arguement, because I told her I really wanted an answer so that I could plan to hang out with her or not on Friday; but she said she couldn't give me an answer. She said it's a very hard decision for her to agree to see me and hang out. The call ended with me telling her to call me after she thought about it, and we could hang out. She never called, and we didn't hang out Friday or Saturday. I called her on Sunday, and we actually got to talk on the phone without fighting. She tells me that she does want to see me, hang out with me, because she likes spending time with me; but as friends now. She says she just wants us to be able to hang out and not fight all the time and maybe she can start healing after what I did, then we could see where it goes. I told her I would try as hard as I could; and we ended up agreeing to go to dinner Sun night.

 

When I saw her Sun night, she was very open and nice. She greeted me with a kiss, we had dinner, and left with another kiss. She even suggested going back out this week to see a movie. Tuesday morning I called her, and we went to lunch. She acted different though, she really acted like we were nothing that long time buddies hanging out. We grabbed some food and had a good conversation. I told her that this was hard for me, but I really liked seeing her again. She said she did too, but didn't want to lead me on at all me thinking that there was something more that was going to come and that she was happy being single now.

 

After that, I haven't talked to her. We have plans for tomorrow night still and I'm confident it will happen. IDK what to do. I love this girl so much and want to be with her more than anything, but the thought of just hanging out with her as friends not being able to show affection to her is killing me. I want to talk and see her every day, yet she seems like she has totally gotten over me at this point and IDK what to do.

 

I want her back, but IDK what to do. One of my girl friends tells me she thinks I should hang out with her, be her friend, and us hanging out back together will work back to how we were and we will get back together. I just don't know what to do, should I try to be her friend, hang out with her and hope it goes well or what? Do you guys think she is really over me, or just doing this to protect herself? Please, someone help.

 

-J

[Yamaha]

I would look for another girl. You 2 have to much emotional baggage and it will take way to long to try and fix things. Just chalk it up to a learning experience and you might stay on friendly terms if you both want to.

[scrybe74]

I kinda agree with Yamaha but not completely. He's right that you both have a lot of emotional hangups right now. It's a confusing time for both of you. You have to realize that the feeling you had of being smothered wasn't imaginary...it did happen. You're not 100% at fault for the failing relationship. You both helped run it to the ground. What's good about your thinking is that you're finally owning up to it and that's a good start. Being buddies/friends isn't going to work. You're her ex and she's yours. What do you think is going to happen if/when she falls in love with someone else? You guys can't stay 'buddies' anymore. What normal guy would put up with that?

 

If you want my advice do the following:

 

Stop apologizing - You done it over and over. Everytime you do it it becomes less and less meaningful. You're cheapening your sorrow and regret to her. Plus it makes you sound desparate.

 

Remember what attracted her to you and you to her - Get back to the person you were when you first met. Better than that...get back to the person you were when you treated women better. That doesn't mean you walk around kissing her butt and begging for forgiveness every 5 minutes. That's not gonna work. Be a man but be a good man.

 

Play Tennis - Not literally. What I mean is that you've said all the right things, you've apologized, she knows how you feel now. Like in tennis...the ball is in her court. She needs to decide if she's ready to give you another chance. You're so desparate and eager that you're not giving her the chance to decided. Stop pressuring her. Sit back and relax dude! Go out with your friends, get a hobby, focus on your career or education and live your life. You're not going anywhere so be patient. In time she'll come to a decision and do something about it. BUT NOT IF YOU'RE HANGING AROUND ALL THE TIME.

 

Respect her decision - Here's the hard part. If....IF you are truly sorry for how you've behaved then you'll respect her final decision once she's made it. That means you are willing to accept YES or NO. Prepare yourself for it. If she moves on or doesn't give you a second chance....you move on too. Stay friendly but don't be friends. It'll just make things worse. Don't be mean or rude to her but don't be her buddy, her psychologist, her girlfriend, her brother, her confidante.....just like you don't have access to her emotionally and physically....the same goes for her. Don't let her use you for emotional warm and fuzzies. You reserve that part of you for your girlfriend/wife/partner.

 

The bottom line is if you step back and IF she comes back to you...that's a REAL second chance and you guys can really start over. If you're breathing down her neck pressuring her or hanging around like the buddy...she MAY say yes but it's a disaster waiting to happen...she'll always wonder if you pressured her into it and she won't ever trust you. If she comes back on her own that in itself means that she's starting to trust you again....and guess what?...trust takes time so prepare to wait.

[m52328]

Thank you for the input and advice guys.

 

She txt'd me last night and cancelled. Then called about an hour later. She had to leave school because she couldn't handle it, and doesn't think it's a good idea we hang out as friends either. We had a long conversation, more of this time her explaining how she felt right after we broke up and why the other guy came in the picture for that time. She said it's still not something she wants with him, he was just there for her when I wasn't and that's all it really is; and she's not ready for anything with anymore right now. I told her I understood and apologized again for eventhing, and we're going to break contact at this point until we both can have some time apart from each other.

 

I just wish now I could stop thinking of her 24/7 and move on with my life. I can't believe I was the one who did this to someone, I just wish I had said more sooner. I told her this too, but I look at how I acted when we had problems and I was one of the guys I hate every time I go out. I was the one that didn't treat his gf like he should have, and wasn't there for her when she needed him the most; and that's what kills me the most, that I did all of this. I guess moving on now is the only thing I have to do, I just hope this isn't something I regret forever, if I get her back or not. Thanks guys.

[scrybe74]

For all my practical advice to you a part of me still believes a little in destiny. It may sound cheesy but if you two are meant to be together then it will work out in the end. It's hard to let go and walk away. Especially being a guy...sometimes we focus too much on trying to 'do' something to make it better of 'fix' things. We're good at fixing things but not our own relationships...we just make it worse that way. Give her some space and try and be the guy that she'll want someday when she calls you again. She WILL call you again. That's for sure.

 

 

Good luck to you!

Thank you for the input and advice guys.

 

She txt'd me last night and cancelled. Then called about an hour later. She had to leave school because she couldn't handle it, and doesn't think it's a good idea we hang out as friends either. We had a long conversation, more of this time her explaining how she felt right after we broke up and why the other guy came in the picture for that time. She said it's still not something she wants with him, he was just there for her when I wasn't and that's all it really is; and she's not ready for anything with anymore right now. I told her I understood and apologized again for eventhing, and we're going to break contact at this point until we both can have some time apart from each other.

 

I just wish now I could stop thinking of her 24/7 and move on with my life. I can't believe I was the one who did this to someone, I just wish I had said more sooner. I told her this too, but I look at how I acted when we had problems and I was one of the guys I hate every time I go out. I was the one that didn't treat his gf like he should have, and wasn't there for her when she needed him the most; and that's what kills me the most, that I did all of this. I guess moving on now is the only thing I have to do, I just hope this isn't something I regret forever, if I get her back or not. Thanks guys.