Another Girl - wondering

[Almost]

So there's this other girl I'm interested in that was also at the same party Friday night. I really like her and everything, we have a lot in common in terms of interests and career sector and what not. She's a single mom and I guess her kid is pretty young, like only a year or two old. But that's not that big a deal for me.

 

I love kids so I'm not afraid of a woman with kids. I'm more put off by the thought of the father, her ex bf, still being in the picture to some extent and eventually having to interact and deal with him. I don't want to know about, meet, or have anything to do with him.

 

But the real reason I hesitate with this girl is our age difference. I'm in my late 30's and I think she is in her early or mid 20's at best. Even though she is outgoing and seems to like me, I'm thinking maybe/probably she just likes me as a friend, and she's too young and I'm too old for her.

 

Despite my joke thread a few weeks ago about the optimum age for my next gf/wife being my age /2 + 7, I think that's probably a little young and this girl I think is a few years younger than that formula even. Am I a pervert for even thinking about maybe wanting to get involved with a woman around 15 years younger than I am?

 

So should I just forget about it and focus on women more my age, or should I explore it and maybe try to ask her out or something?

[Jane Doe]

You can always explore it and see where it goes. Just remember, though, you two are at totally different stages in your life. She hasn't sewed all of her wild oats yet and having a child may weigh her down to where she may tend to "bust loose" from time to time. Keep that in mind.

[Yamaha]

I don't see a problem. There are plenty of older women dating guys 12-17 years their junior and the people on LS are very supportive of them. Why would they not be supportive of you?

[alphamale]

many times single mothers are just looking for a meal ticket, steer clear.

[monkey00]

Alpha makes a good point. And Jane Doe makes a strong point.

 

anyway when it comes to dating, age doesnt matter in most cases, especially if the guy is older than the girl.

 

I say explore it, you never know what could happen...just dont go and make another baby with her. However dont grow too emotionally attached to her, as she already has baggage and could cause a complexity of problems you would not wish for.

[Almost]

Good points made by everyone, thanks.

 

I suppose being a young single mother, she could be looking for a "meal ticket" or at least some stability and maturity. And she could have some emotional baggage, but so does everyone.

 

I don't suppose it's the greatest sign that she got pregnant at a fairly young age without being married, but mistakes happen all the time. I don't know all the details surrounding that and I wouldn't presume to judge without knowing everything.

 

I'm naturally cautious and I guess I'd like to get to know her better and be able to talk to her one on one without always being in a group setting or at a party. I could ask her out but I hesitate to create this impression that I'm really attracted to her and all that, before I know more about her and get to know her better. But it's hard to get to know someone without going out and spending time with them.

 

I guess that is maybe one of my issues or problems. I don't really want to "commit" to a woman in terms of communicating to her that I really find her attractive or something, without getting to know her better. But it's always like a guy is expected to sweep a woman off her feet. If you ask a woman out, it's like she is looking for the guy to try to impress her and show how much he really likes her by flirting a lot and being romantic. If the guy is just like, let's go out and get to know each other, it’s a turn off for the woman and a recipe for heading straight into the friends zone. They'll say the date sucked, he just treated me like his sister or a friend and not as a potential lover.

 

I wish I could just ask women out and be able to be myself and get to know them, without all this pressure to "perform" in terms of trying to impress the woman with how much I'm into her, by flirting and being all romantic or what not, before I really know if I'm actually that into her or not. But whenever I try that, it's like I said where they end up thinking I just want to be friends because then I'm not treating them as potential lovers.

[moman]

Specifically ask her out on a date and take her out. Who cares about trying to impress? Be yourself and relax. Have good conversation and then at the end of the night plan to see her again or see the answer that she is not the one.

[Sand&Water]

Almost,

 

But the real reason I hesitate with this girl is our age difference. I'm in my late 30's and I think she is in her early or mid 20's at best.

 

The age difference might cause shifting of ideals, thoughts, expectations, and understanding of her needs in your mind. In other words, you have to be a very strong and confident person to be able to surpass the age difference and enjoy the ride. You are displaying several uneasy characteristics [with respect to the girl in question], right now.

 

So should I just forget about it and focus on women more my age, or should I explore it and maybe try to ask her out or something?

 

If I may ask: Does she exhibit good personal qualities, along with maturity? Better said, Does she register in your book?

 

Do not ask her out, unless you are certain of yourself [i.e. what you can offer, and how you will deal with unexpected events and emotional downfalls].

 

I wish I could just ask women out and be able to be myself and get to know them, without all this pressure to "perform" in terms of trying to impress the woman with how much I'm into her, by flirting and being all romantic or what not, before I really know if I'm actually that into her or not.

 

Unless you are very good looking/handsome, you will require more than just looks to get you into the honey pot. You have to possess something unique, and exciting to get the ball rolling [for yourself]. Where is your determination?

 

Give it a shot,

Sand&Water

[Almost]

Almost,

 

If I may ask: Does she exhibit good personal qualities, along with maturity? Better said, Does she register in your book?

 

I've only met her twice, at party like events. But I think she's totally hot and cute, and I like her fun and positive personality. She seems mature enough from the brief conversations we have had about jobs, volunteer stuff, and life in general. But since I've only met and talked to her on two occaisions, it's all rather preliminary first impressions.

 

Do not ask her out, unless you are certain of yourself [i.e. what you can offer, and how you will deal with unexpected events and emotional downfalls].

 

I'm not sure what I can offer, other than love and support, being someone to talk to and do things with, sex, etc.

 

I'm pretty good and level headed in emergencies. But when it comes to interpersonal relationships, I can sometimes get pretty emotional, if I end up making a mistake or something and thinking I'm not good enough or its not going to work out.

 

Unless you are very good looking/handsome, you will require more than just looks to get you into the honey pot. You have to possess something unique, and exciting to get the ball rolling [for yourself]. Where is your determination?

 

Well I don't know what's really unique and exciting about me. This is when I start to feel pressured to be some kind of superman and someone I'm not, and then feel inadequate because I'm not a perfect superman. I never claimed I was.

 

I think I'm reasonably good looking, although not as hot as I was maybe 10-15 years ago in my early to mid 20's. I think overall I'm a pretty good catch, and several women friends have told me as such. If I was a girl, I'd go out with me. I'm active and like to do a lot of outdoor activities, and the usual stuff like movies, dinners, plays, etc. But I'm not perfect and never claimed I was.

[monkey00]

 

I'm naturally cautious and I guess I'd like to get to know her better and be able to talk to her one on one without always being in a group setting or at a party. I could ask her out but I hesitate to create this impression that I'm really attracted to her and all that, before I know more about her and get to know her better. But it's hard to get to know someone without going out and spending time with them.

There's nothing wrong with making your intentions known, as long as it shows through open ended questions, your interest in her, and body language.

 

I guess that is maybe one of my issues or problems. I don't really want to "commit" to a woman in terms of communicating to her that I really find her attractive or something, without getting to know her better. But it's always like a guy is expected to sweep a woman off her feet. If you ask a woman out, it's like she is looking for the guy to try to impress her and show how much he really likes her by flirting a lot and being romantic. If the guy is just like, let's go out and get to know each other, it’s a turn off for the woman and a recipe for heading straight into the friends zone. They'll say the date sucked, he just treated me like his sister or a friend and not as a potential lover.

 

Thats where youre wrong. you will be different from all the other suck ups who bought her roses and took her out somwehre fancy on the first date and complimented on her in hopes to get in the sack with her.

You could go on a coffee date, and it can lead to anything from there, it depends where you take it.

A girl getting mad at you for not taking her out somewhere fancy/romantic on date 1....isnt worth your time.

If you're thinking like this, then you're already mentally setting yourself up for failure. In most situations if a woman is highly interested in a guy, she wont care much where he takes her as long as she's with him.

 

I wish I could just ask women out and be able to be myself and get to know them, without all this pressure to "perform" in terms of trying to impress the woman with how much I'm into her, by flirting and being all romantic or what not, before I really know if I'm actually that into her or not. But whenever I try that, it's like I said where they end up thinking I just want to be friends because then I'm not treating them as potential lovers.

Nothing has to be rushed, nor do they expect that of you. no offense but sounds to me like you're making excuses to avoid the dating scene with women.

 

Screw romance, as long as the date is fun women could care less. Go for action dates.

[Sand&Water]

Almost,

 

I've only met her twice, at party like events. But I think she's totally hot and cute...

 

You met her twice, already. Great. And, you were able to conduct yourself in a presentable manner. Yet, in my opinion, you should not associate with her at parties, anymore. Bring it up a notch, and do one-on-one time.

 

Do not correlate a woman's hotness/cuteness/beauty with her overall persona. In addition, do not purely do out with a woman just because she is remarkably gorgeous.

 

Well I don't know what's really unique and exciting about me.

 

You have to [or rather, should] figure this out. It doesn't have to be an extraordinary power, or talent that mind-blows women to fall to your feet. Choose a very simple trait, and transform it to your advantage. Incorporate a lot of mystery into your character, and general customs. You'll notice a twinkle in people's eyes -even your own.

 

If I was a girl, I'd go out with me.

 

This is just funny! I'm sure people would understand.

 

Sand&Water

[Yamaha]

You need to lighten up and just have fun. To much pressure will make you uncomfortable and her as well. This is not rocket science, it's a date. You're just talking and having fun with someone. Don't try to hard and think you have to be perfect or unique. If she can't enjoy your personality and want to hang with you more than it's better to end things now. I think you feel like you have to impress her because she's young and hot. If the chemistry isn't there with her it won't matter because women are all about chemistry. You can't force chemistry so just be yourself and have fun.

[steve1977]

Jeeez man I am wondering why you are even bothering posting your problem as you are looking for any avenue to spoil being happy. So she is younger and any other obtacle you can think of, just get yer ass into gear and ask her out and stop messin about. You are yer own worst enemy and it seems to me you are looking on here for an excuse not to pursue this girl.....Be a man my friend and go seek being happy, we are a long time dead !!

[Almost]

Yeah I don't know. Thanks for everyone's comments, I've been thinking about them.

 

I think I do need to just lighten up and just have fun. Which I can do often enough. But when it comes to women and intimate relationships, it is a lot harder to do.

 

I guess I'm probably afraid of intimacy, and afraid of feeling trapped in a bad relationship or feeling a lot of responsibility for managing a relationship. It's as if I'm looking at a relationship as something else I have to manage, with its own set of tasks and chores to do.

 

It's like its great to be in a relationship for the sex and intimacy, and to have someone to do things with and share things with. But other than that it takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy relationship. Usually in past relationships I've ended up feeling constrained and like I have a lot of responsibility. When they ended, I felt a rush of pure freedom. I was really sad that it was over, but on the other hand very relieved and free.

 

So I guess now part of me is just very reluctant to get involved with a woman, because I don't want to lose my freedom, and I don't want to accumulate a bunch of expectations and responsibilities. I want to be able to relax and just be me, and it seems like it's just not possible for me to do either if I'm involved in a relationship with a woman.

 

I just need to stop focusing on me, and start focusing on other people. I'm too self absorbed. I know I'm too self critical also. It's just hard. I can analyze what's happening intellectually and I know what I need to do intellectually, but emotionally it's just really hard to take action and change my behavior and do things differently.