what is love

[tami]

What is love? I know this is a stupid question, but it seems like my boyfriend sees it totaly differently. I feel like you cant fall in love with just anyone and cant just fall out of it either. I have only told one other person that I loved him before I met my current boyfriend of two years. When I met my current boyfriend I feel love for him like I have never felt before. I loved my first boyfriend but I am in love with the one I am with now. On the other hand my current boyfriend says that he has loved many women in his life and has experienced falling out of love with them too. He wants me to be happy with him loving me right now without any promises on the future. The problem with this is that he has allready convenced me to move to a new town to live with him. This is also a town where I cant follow my dreams of working with marine animals. He allways talks about marriage, kids and the future, but at the same time makes it clear how uncertain he feels about forever. Lately I have been asking myself why I should even consider marring him. I dont want to make the promise of "till death do us part" if no one can really make that promise. Do I just expect too much?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What is love?"

 

Who knows...but, I do know that when you're in love you don't have to ask what it is. It's the greatest feeling in the world. You want to be with the beloved all the time and you don't have a care in the world.

 

Everybody feels love differently. Some people never experience falling in love for one reason or another. Your guy's experience with love may not be nearly as fulfilling as that of many others. Everybody feels it in his or her own way.

 

The euphoric feeling of being in love is usually not permanent and is eventually replaced with a great feeling of stability, warmth, wellbeing and closeness, if you're lucky.

 

It sounds like your guy not only has issues with his feelings but definite issues when it comes to committment. He doesn't want to think long range, such as marriage in the future, but would just prefer to enjoy his feelings in the present tense. That's quite fine but it's not fine with you.

 

You'll have to talk this out with him. If you find he won't budge and won't consider commiting to a future with you, it may be necessary for you to find another man who you can love and who won't mind dedicating his life to you...or at least giving it a good try.

 

I don't think you are expecting too much by wanting a marriage and family but you may be expecting too much where your dreams call for your present guy to be a part of that.

[Ed]

Your guy touches on some good points, but I think he is still a bit confused about some things.

 

He is right that there are no guarantees in life. He, apparently, has personally experienced the loss of past loves and knows all to well how "uncertain" things really are. However, I think he is blinded by "uncertainty" and is using it as a cover thinking it will help insulate him from future heartbreak.

 

According to you he said, "He wants me to be happy with him loving me right now". I commend him in his attitude of living for the moment. I wish that everyone would live for the moment and be happy with what they have right now. What bothers me is the latter part of that sentence which again brings up him, seemingly, trying to insulate himself from the pain of an unpredictable future breakup.

 

The feeling I get from your post (just a guess) is that he has been hurt before by the loss of someone or maybe more than one person that he loved very much. The pain and sorrow he felt from that loss still lingers and he uses it to remind himself that, although people will and do make promises, they often don't follow through with their promises. He is right! "Until death do us part" really means, "until something happens that splits us up". That is reality, but he may be taking this reality to extreme.

 

One of the realities for you is, he is not at a point in his life where he feels comfortable making a verbal promise or commitment to a future with you or anybody. That's just where he is in life right now and nobody knows if or when that will change. It's good to understand the reality of life, that no one can predict the future outcome of a relationship, but it's sad to be so consumed with the possibility of loss that you can't make plans or are unable to commit to future goals.

 

Another reality for you is, if you have been involved in a two-year intimate relationship with this man, he should have some idea about how much commitment he can make toward your future together. If he can't make any verbal commitments to you it doesn't mean you have to breakup, but, I would be hesitant, as you are, about making any big moves.

 

What you need to do is talk to him about this some more. Get a better understanding of where he is coming from and let him know that you are unsure of making big life changes for someone who can't lay out a plan that goes past tomorrow. Don't try to put words into his mouth or make assumptions about his internal feelings. Just talk about it and let him tell you what he means and where he is coming from.

[TheGirl]

I do know that everyone has their own "concept" of love. The problem is that everyone's is different. His concept of love or fufilment with another person may be very different than yours. Problems will arise if they are to different. I feel that to have a sucesful relationship, the two partners concept of what love and fufilment with another entails must be similiar. Otherwise problems of "something missing" occurs in one person because their concept of what love is is not being met.

 

Ask him what being in love means to him. Is his concept of what "love" is similiar to yours? If not, I do think that you will have more problems in the future.