Can anyone be immune to an affair? I think I am...

[RecordProducer]

But if I DO start an affair, I'm sure you guys will be among the first to know:laugh:

Would you be bragging or complaining?

 

Please note that you didn't say "would" but "DO"... next thing, you WILL have one.

[luvstarved]

Hey you guys are titillating me! Stop it!

 

Just kidding...

 

Maybe I did not make it clear that I HAVE had affairs in the past and HAVE also been cheated on, but not in this marriage. So my immunity now is not to say I have never had the disease...

 

RP, this did not come about because I was just idly thinking about my own potential for an affair. There was a situation at my husband's work that worried me that he would have an affair, and the thought really bothered and disgusted me, honestly, but I was also thinking that he has never done that and so he does not know what I know so he could be very vulnerable so who am I to think that he should have the same defenses in place that I believe that I have?

 

Right now, that all seems like it was a false alarm but that is not to say that I have breathed a sigh of relief and am no longer observing carefully...

 

Also, the last "affair" (if you can call it that, me and the OM were engaged to other people, not married - he married and divorced his ultimately, I just broke off the engagement) went for 18 months and sent me in a downward spiral of drinking and depression. I was hospitalized twice. It started as an "officemates" thing and went toooooo far. So I recognize that just getting too chummy with someone at work can lead to trouble, so guess what? I just don't do that anymore.

 

I do very much feel that I know the signs and signals. I was also in an open marriage early on and know all about the game and how to play it. So I don't want to give the impression that my immunity is something I believe about myself because I am naive or think I am morally superior. Au contraire.

 

I believe it about myself because I have had as much "fun" as there is to have, and now I am only interested in a deep, TRULY intimate relationship. This is what I am working on with my husband. It is never available in an "affair", so why would I bother? The only possible thing I could ever see happening is not being able to achieve it in the end with my H, and then splitting up in hopes of eventually finding it somewhere...but I hope with all my heart that that does not happen...

[luvstarved]

Well maybe I shoulda reread the thread before posting again, I pretty much repeated an earlier post. Sorry 'bout that.

 

But...you know, I am a woman. The opportunity is just there. It always is. Knowing that, if anything, makes it even less interesting.

 

An ex casual lover of mine tracked me down last week wanting to "see me". I have known this guy a long time. Sometimes I used to tell him "I am in a relationship now, but call me in another six months" or similar. UGH! Of course, this time I told him good luck, goodbye, don't ever ever call me again. Then I went home and told my H about it.

 

Some of us DO grow up, I really think so! And I think it is lovely!!

[luvstarved]

Would you be bragging or complaining?

 

Please note that you didn't say "would" but "DO"... next thing, you WILL have one.

 

Neither bragging nor complaining - just confessing and expressing my surprise and self-loathing

[luvstarved]

Plus your username is LOVE-STARVED!

 

Yes and if someone knows how I can change it I would like to know, as I am no longer starving, just waiting for dessert now...

[RecordProducer]

Yes and if someone knows how I can change it I would like to know, as I am no longer starving, just waiting for dessert now...

You'll find the dessert with your guy friend! Do you feel like your husband is steamed asparagus and some hot, passionate, romantic guy would be a chocolate cake? If yes, you're ready for an affair.

 

Luv, we are having fun here so sometimes we're inspired by posters' thoughts to turn our funny button on. Don't take us so seriously! You're cool.

[luvstarved]

RP, OK I'll play...

 

My husband is MUCH tastier than asparagus, and obviously much bigger too!

 

Instead of saying "waiting for dessert" perhaps I should have said "waiting to BE dessert"...my H and I are working on regaining intimacy after tough times and sexlessness. It is taking time and maybe that is more than enough challenge for me right now and that makes me feel immune.

 

I cannot deny the "aesthetic appeal" of my daughter's male friends splashing about in my pool in the summer!!! But I have no desire to go for anything other than new depths with my H.

 

I am lucky that he is uniquely appealing to me and back in the day was a fabulous lover. He still is, but isn't quite expressing that fully at the moment. He does seem to somehow "know me" and even when I think I am too distracted to fully enjoy the experience, he finds some way of moving that just works, even if I am moody and think there is no way. It's almost supernatural! He is also very good looking as people like to tell me all the time (like how did YOU get such a hunk?) and in great shape- we visited my family last summer and my 21 year old nephew told me (after seeing my H in the pool) "I don't want to sound gay, but your husband is BUILT"...so even looking at him gets me worked up...I mean, I am not butt ugly and hold my own, but he is, objectively speaking, hotter than I am.

 

So another part of it is why go get a hamburger when you have steak at home? Yeah sometimes you WANT a hamburger, maybe. Not me. I want my steak...well done. Right now it is medium rare...but it's cooking...

[a4a]

No cheating for me, too much respect for myself. In the morning I know that I would have to look at myself in the mirror.

 

and as for accidentally falling in love....... some of us see "love" differently.

 

horny is not love...... excitement is not love...... infatuation is not love......

 

I have no desire to drop my pants or insert my tongue into a persons mouth unless they have earned my respect. Any person willing to screw around with me, knowing I am married, would instantly lose my respect = Automatic cancellation of interest.

 

I consider hitting on me disrespectful to my M, which is my choice to be in. It is part of me that I will not allow to be disrespected by anyone.

[luvstarved]

Well put, a4a, very good points as usual. I guess that is part of what I have been trying to say...you'd have to be a pretty big fool to UNWITTINGLY fall in true love with someone. Infatuation can take you by surprise, but not the type of love that includes respect and true intimacy.

 

And self-respect is a big piece too. I know that in my wilder days, I had no problem looking in the mirror and feeling sneaky and delicious and tee hee hee.

 

UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I definitely would now.

 

I still very much believe that some people are immune to affairs. Just never would, although I do agree they are in a small minority. But some people are just naturally this way, while others of us have achieved it from past experiences - like my sorry ass - or from perhaps just gaining some maturity, self-respect, respect for others, etc.

 

The whole question came up for me because of worrying about my H and really, trying to determine HIS defenses. He claims to be "naturally" immune to affairs. I believe that is less likely to be true than BECOMING immune based on experience...so I guess the more burning question in my head was whether it was possible to NATURALLY be that way. Sounds like you are, a4a. Kudos!

[JamesM]

Therein lies the reason that I believe that you think you are immune to an affair.

 

I guess that is part of what I have been trying to say...you'd have to be a pretty big fool to UNWITTINGLY fall in true love with someone. Infatuation can take you by surprise, but not the type of love that includes respect and true intimacy.

 

If I am not mistaken, most affairs are not true love. They ARE infatuation and lust. They are an all consuming passion that has no basis in respect and true intimacy. They are simply a "high school crush."

 

I am not saying that you or anyone who says they are immune to affairs are guaranteed to fall into one, but what I am saying is that IMHO many, many people who were sure that they would never stoop so low...have done so. I am quite certain that very, very few people plan on or strategize how to get into an affair.

[Scrivdog]

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Every woman I ever had an affair with started out with a strong moral stance against dating co-workers and/or married men. And we see where that led.

 

No cheating for me, too much respect for myself. In the morning I know that I would have to look at myself in the mirror.

 

and as for accidentally falling in love....... some of us see "love" differently.

 

horny is not love...... excitement is not love...... infatuation is not love......

 

I have no desire to drop my pants or insert my tongue into a persons mouth unless they have earned my respect. Any person willing to screw around with me, knowing I am married, would instantly lose my respect = Automatic cancellation of interest.

 

I consider hitting on me disrespectful to my M, which is my choice to be in. It is part of me that I will not allow to be disrespected by anyone.

[carmaenforcer]

I have read and heard that NOBODY is immune to an affair, but I actually think I am and I wonder if anyone else feels that way...

 

I feel this way because I have had a long rich "romantic" life (aka "wild past") and now only want my H (and him wanting me is a work in progress)...even at the worst of our problems, I only considered leaving and possibly down the road finding someone else to have a committed relationship with.

 

I do still find other people attractive, I am human...but I feel I know all too well the cost/benefit ratio of affairs and it entirely squashes any sense of temptation. I have a very healthy sex drive, so it isn't lack of interest, it's more a matter of BTDT and knowing it just ain't worth it, etc.

 

I entirely agree that MOST people are not immune to affairs, but I do think I may be an exception...anybody else?

 

I feel exactly the same way you do, the risks and head aches involved in messing with others is not worth the sex. That's why I am for legalizing prostitution.

 

You see, like you I have also I have had a long rich "romantic" life, but no matter how many BJ's I got from other women in the past, I still can't imagine going the rest of my life without feeling it ever again because my Wife won't do it.

 

I am strong, wise, and love my Wife very much but I'm not 100% immune.

 

I would never have an "affair" with another woman though. I would go to Nevada and pay for a casual encounter.

[whichwayisup]

I would never have an "affair" with another woman though. I would go to Nevada and pay for a casual encounter.

 

You'd still cheat on her?

 

Will you still feel that way once your baby is born?

[luvstarved]

Therein lies the reason that I believe that you think you are immune to an affair.

 

 

 

If I am not mistaken, most affairs are not true love. They ARE infatuation and lust. They are an all consuming passion that has no basis in respect and true intimacy. They are simply a "high school crush."

 

I am not saying that you or anyone who says they are immune to affairs are guaranteed to fall into one, but what I am saying is that IMHO many, many people who were sure that they would never stoop so low...have done so. I am quite certain that very, very few people plan on or strategize how to get into an affair.

 

JamesM,

 

Methinks you are making my point for me! Yeah people fall into affairs because they don't think or they don't care or they don't know better.

 

I think. I care. I know better.

[JamesM]

I would never have an "affair" with another woman though. I would go to Nevada and pay for a casual encounter.

 

Not being judgmental and I truly do understand, but this is the rationale most used by men who frequent prostitutes. They think that this not only helps them avoid affairs and yet still satisfies their urge for sex, but many think that it actually helps their marriage. And my response would be..."And what would your wife call it?"

 

Some women think affairs are worse, yet many have a harder time with men who visit pros. Women can understand "falling in love" but they have a tough time understanding how a man can put his wife in danger of STDs for a moment of pleasure.

 

Personally, I believe they are both cheating, but when a man lives in a sexless marriage for a few years...not months, he does begin to draw the line in different places.

[burning 4 revenge]

I feel exactly the same way you do, the risks and head aches involved in messing with others is not worth the sex. That's why I am for legalizing prostitution.

 

You see, like you I have also I have had a long rich "romantic" life, but no matter how many BJ's I got from other women in the past, I still can't imagine going the rest of my life without feeling it ever again because my Wife won't do it.

 

I am strong, wise, and love my Wife very much but I'm not 100% immune.

 

I would never have an "affair" with another woman though. I would go to Nevada and pay for a casual encounter.

This is a prime example of why men are more rational than women.

[luvstarved]

This is a prime example of why men are more rational than women.

 

Let me get this straight.

 

Rational: My wife will not give me what I want so I will just go get it somewhere else. My need for a BJ outweighs her need to have an honest and trustworthy husband.

 

Not rational: I will tell my wife that this is something that I cannot live without for the rest of my life and we will have to consider together whether it is a dealbreaker for the relationship or if we can work something out that is mutually satisfactory.

[burning 4 revenge]

Let me get this straight.

 

Rational: My wife will not give me what I want so I will just go get it somewhere else. My need for a BJ outweighs her need to have an honest and trustworthy husband.

 

Not rational: I will tell my wife that this is something that I cannot live without for the rest of my life and we will have to consider together whether it is a dealbreaker for the relationship or if we can work something out that is mutually satisfactory.

The idea that some men will occasionally go to a prostitute as opposed to starting an affair strikes me as both rational and more respectful.

[luvstarved]

The idea that some men will occasionally go to a prostitute as opposed to starting an affair strikes me as both rational and more respectful.

 

Hmmm yeah as a woman I suppose I just can't see that. Rationalizing, yes. Rational, no. But then again I believe that a marriage should include honesty and forthrightness. If that turns out to be a foolish dream, then I am quite certain that I will end up alone.

 

But being completely logical here, does this idea seeming rational to another MAN really matter? Maybe if I told my husband, I'm not doing that, please find someone else to do it, it might be a "more respectful" way of handling it.

 

But don't you think his wife's opinion of this approach is the relevant one?

 

I have to wonder if this wife is even AWARE of how VITALLY important this is to him. Clueing her in seems like the first rational step to me.

[burning 4 revenge]

Are you crazy? He can't tell his wife that!

[stoopid_guy]

Are you crazy? He can't tell his wife that!

He can tell her, he might have told her many times, but that doesn't mean she'll understand it. (And before anyone jumps down my throat, NO, I'm not saying that's justification for cheating or seeing prostitutes or whatever.)

[carmaenforcer]

WWIU,

You'd still cheat on her?

Will you still feel that way once your baby is born?

 

Uh yeah I guess, since my woman does not care about taking care of my (reasonable) needs, I would "cheat". Since I do love her and don't think that leaving her just because she won't go down on me is rational, I have very little choice.

This has been my stance on this since before the baby was conceived and so yeah the baby being born will change nothing.

My Wife sacrifising a little to make me happy would change the way I feel, but she will probably rather have an emotional affair with someone at her work or a long time guy friend rather that taste my pre-jizz.

 

 

JamesM

Not being judgmental and I truly do understand, but this is the rationale most used by men who frequent prostitutes. They think that this not only helps them avoid affairs and yet still satisfies their urge for sex, but many think that it actually helps their marriage. And my response would be..."And what would your wife call it?"

Some women think affairs are worse, yet many have a harder time with men who visit pros. Women can understand "falling in love" but they have a tough time understanding how a man can put his wife in danger of STDs for a moment of pleasure.

 

Personally, I believe they are both cheating, but when a man lives in a sexless marriage for a few years...not months, he does begin to draw the line in different places.

 

First let me say, well put. Especially on that last thing you said, in bold.

 

Of coasre my Wife would call it cheating, but this is the same person that wouldn't call not pleasuring me sexually, neglect.

 

I think that being overly flirty with others is a form of cheating, my Wife would disagree, if it was her flirting being questioned.

 

I at least take all possibility of an "affair" out of the equation by going to a pro.

 

Burning4revenge,

This is a prime example of why men are more rational than women.

 

YES!!! Thank you.

 

The idea that some men will occasionally go to a prostitute as opposed to starting an affair strikes me as both rational and more respectful.

 

YES!!! Preach brother preach...

 

luvstarved,

I know I seem like a jerk, but I have tried. We have great communicaton in our relationship. And get this, she did tell me "why don't you get that (BJ's) somewhere else because she I will never do that for you." Although, she only said that because she doesn't think it will happen. And it's not just the not wanting to give a BJ thing, it's the only wanting to do it in the missionarry possition thing, the only wanting to do it when and how she wants to thing, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

[whichwayisup]

Carm:

 

Geez, my hubby doesn't give ME oral sex at all, he just doesn't like it...Does that mean I have the right to go scout out a man so he can go down on me???

 

I give him head once in a while, because I enjoy giving him blowjobs, and sure, it would be REALLY f**k'n great if he gave me the same pleasure back, but he doesn't...And I ain't gonna go cheat on him because I don't get a tongue between my legs! I've learned to accept it. Am I happy about it? NO. Do I miss it? Hell yeah! We work around that one issue and I have put it to the "low" priority on my list...I don't focus on it at all otherwise I DO get mad.

 

You have to decide how important BJ's are to you, and if it's worth the chance of ruining your marriage or giving your spouse a disease, then go for it.......

[luvstarved]

 

luvstarved,

I know I seem like a jerk, but I have tried. We have great communicaton in our relationship. And get this, she did tell me "why don't you get that (BJ's) somewhere else because she I will never do that for you." Although, she only said that because she doesn't think it will happen. And it's not just the not wanting to give a BJ thing, it's the only wanting to do it in the missionarry possition thing, the only wanting to do it when and how she wants to thing, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

 

Look, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND the frustration. Don't forget I was in a sexless marriage for 7 long years. I tried, nothing changed, etc. UNTIL I MADE IT CLEAR THAT IT WAS A DEALBREAKER. Not as an ultimatum,just the reality. Things are changing now! I can't sit here like a smug ass and claim that everything will go great from now on or even that it won't all fall completely apart eventually. But I am proceeding knowing that I am being honest and true to myself as well.

 

You say you have great communication, but it doesn't sound like it to me. Or maybe you mean that she has made it VERY CLEAR that she does not intend to fulfill these needs. That seems very selfish to me, sorry. If she really loved you and really understood the depth of need here, it seems that she should sanction you to get it elsewhere (and be duly aware of the associated risks) if she weren't willing to work it out with you. Withholding sexual fulfillment, I agree with many posters, is just as much a vow breaker as cheating.

 

I don't know. At this point in my life I have decided that I just don't want to play head games anymore, and if I can't be honest in a relationship, then it just isn't what I want. I don't mean brutally honest about every little nit picky thing, but certainly not suffering along with something that really bothers me, or resorting to deception as a "cure". It is a bumpy road to be sure, but I feel a lot better about how I am participating and so far it seems to be working a lot better than I even imagined it would. My H is there with me in spirit, though still having trouble opening up about certain things - but he is making progress and very sincerely trying. I don't expect perfection, but something a lot more reasonable than living with rancor and unfulfilled needs and ridiculous misunderstandings.

 

If my husband told me that he could not live without more anal sex, then I'd be bottoms up. If he told me that he could not live without watching me have sex with a horse while dressed as a clown and simultaneously licking his chocolate covered organ, well, I'd either tell him to go find someone else to do that or it would be HELLO DIVORCE COURT, it would kinda depend on the specifics. For some things, I'm sure I'd just be like EEEEEWWWW, I can't stay married to you. But that's the risk you take. Me, I want to be with someone who knows and accepts the full and the real me. Really enough IS enough!

 

Anyway, we all have our needs and our limits. If they are not clearly defined, then it's kind of hard to meet needs and respect boundaries.

[whichwayisup]

If he told me that he could not live without watching me have sex with a horse while dressed as a clown and simultaneously licking his chocolate covered organ,

 

:lmao: :lmao: