My story. It's unique.

[Jacob&I]

Hello evryone,

 

Let me tell you What's happened to me over the last year. It's a pretty normal break up story with one hell of a twist. If you have a short attention span, and I do right now, just go to part 5

 

Part 1

 

I'd been dating Jenny for a couple of years. We met in October of 2002. I fell in love with her. She's almost five years older than me. She'll be 32 soon. It was her first serious relationship. After a year, it was far and away my most serious relationship too.

 

Jenny was great. She had a college education and she knew I didn't. She encouraged me to go though, and it's been great. I'm glad I went back to school. We broke up for the first time in November of 2004. I wasn't accomplishing enough in my life, and she decided to leave. This was a big wake up call for me.

 

I got back in school, got a second job, and we got back together. I later found out that she had asked one person out, but he was already seeing someone. Lucky me.

 

I knew that Jenny wanted to get married and have children. She told me this after about six months. She didn't say she wanted to get married to me exactly, but she probably would have agreed to it right then.

 

We spent the next couple of years together. We took four vacations. We almost never argued. After awhile, she got impatient for the engagement. She told me exactly which ring she wanted, and she talked about marriage a lot. It scared me.

 

Part 2

 

Let me tell you a little bit about myself here. I was terrified of marriage. My parents marriage was a very traumatic experince for my parents and I.

My Dad got my mom pregnant around December of 76. She was 16, he was 20. My parents got married in June of 77. The baby was stillborn. I wasn't aware of this until I was fourteen.

 

That's a bad way to start a marriage, but it gets worse. My parents never stopped smoking marijuana. They treated each other terribly, and I believe that's why. My Mom spent most of her time watching tv ( we had cable, but we never took a vacation ), and my Dad spent most of his time making bad music on a keyboard. My parents argued every day. I remember one day thinking "Wow, it's nine o'clock at night and my parents have not argued today!" They argued before I went to sleep.

 

My Dad was the one who usually started the arguements. He was very moody and could get mad about something that happened earlier that week instantly.

 

My Mom turned the other cheek about half the time. The other half she took him on.

 

In fact one day I was talking to Jenny about my parents marriage. I told her that they didn't ever hit each other, but that they used to throw **** at each other.

 

I thought about that for a minute, and I had a vision of my parents throwing **** at each other like monkeys in a zoo.

 

"Not real ****..... I mean stuff around the house, phonebooks, binders..."

 

Jenny interrupted "Ya, I know what you meant." She tried to hide a laugh.

 

My Mom left my Dad when I was twelve. My Dad told me it was my fault a few different times.

 

So the lesson is, if you smoke marijuana, don't have children. You shouldn't have both.

 

Three years later my Mom tried to committ suicide. I found her. She was okay eventually though.

 

Later on my Mom disappeared. She called me one day after a few months, she had moved to Florida with a guy. I later found out they had gotten married.

 

My Mother only told me that had gotten married after the marriage was annulled. He had stolen everything she owned and sold it while she was out of town.

 

My Mom disappeared again a few times after that. I lost count. She showed up in town unannounced. My Dad called me at work, she put my Mom on the phone and I hung up. I shouldn't have done that; I regret it.

 

I did see her though. We talked again. It was weird losing my Mom over and over again. She was by far the parent I was closest to the first twelve years of my life. We saw The Nutty Proffessor in July of 1997.

She left on good terms, but I didn't hear from her again.

 

I finally tracked her down eight years later. She's fine. We talk much more often now. I'm never telling her how I tracked her down, because I want to keep my trick up my sleeve in case I ever have to find her again. Maybe I should be a private investigator.

 

I lived with my dad for the next few years. One day, while he was mad, stoned, and drunk, he told me that my Mother didn't want to see me the last time she came into town. She just wanted money. He said this in a middle of one of constant arguements. He later said he didn't remember saying it to me. Seriously people, leave the weed alone if you have a kid. It'll come back to haunt you.

 

Part 3

 

Back to Jenny and I. I was very afraid of marriage. I think you can see why.

 

Jenny and I did get engaged. During a preseason NFL game between the Chiefs and Cowboys. In a bad omen, our team lost. I should have proposed after a game they won if I was going to do it that way.

 

Jenny's family loved me. Jenny and her Mom were like roommates. Jenny called me up one night to tell me the ring she wanted was on the Home Shopping Network. I was already coming over that night, so when I asked her Mom for the info, she told me shad already ordered it. She also told me that just because she ordered it, that didn't mean that I should obligated to give it to Jenny. Looking back, Jenny's Mom was more like a parent to me than either of mine are.

 

After I gave her the ring, Jenny wouldn't stop talking about marriage. It scared me more. I should have found a professional to talk to, but I was working a lot of hours, between sixty and seventy a week with the weekends off, and I used that as as excuse. "I'll only have one job in a few months, and I can talk to someone then." Jenny had told me the date she wanted to get married. November 7th 2007. At the time it was more than two years away.

 

She planned out a wedding, and I just thought that I could keep my emotions together, and that I had plenty of time to sort them out. Then things got worse.

 

Part 4

 

Let me tell you what my pet peeve is. It's when people won't let me tell them "no". I think most people's pet peeve is something there parents' did when they were a kid, and mine is no exception. Even when I was twenty my Dad would ask me questions about what I was doing the next day, and he would add on something like "Good. Then you can give me a round trip ride in the morning so I can drop my car off in the morning at a place that's half an hour away." He would make it impossible for me to say no. He wouldn't just ask me and have me plan for it ahead of time, he would tell me.

 

I think everyone makes it harder for someone to turn them down once in awhile. I know I've done it to other people, even to Jenny. Jenny did it to me once in awhile too.

 

Jenny's Mom and I had gone to a football game. While I enjoyed going to games. I'd probably been to a hundred over the last fifteen years. I was ready to sit next one out, but I'm sure I would want to go again.

 

Weeks before I had told Jenny that I was kind of burnt out on going to games at Arrowhead, and that I may just want to not go once in awhile.

When she told me that she wasn't going to the game in a couple of weeks, she asked me if I wanted to go. I just said "no".

 

For about two weeks every couple of days, Jenny asked me to go the game. I would say no, and give her a different idea of who to ask. I could have just explained that I was a little bit tired of going, and that I had schoolwork anyway, but I didn't want to tell her that I was behind in schoolwork. That and I'm a guy. We don't always communicate very well.

 

Then one day Jenny, her mom and I were in the car together. She asked me if I could go to the Chief game. I said no, but she kept asking me. The tickets were actually Jenny's Mom, and I didn't want her to see me as ungrateful. So I didn't want to say I was tired of going. Jenny kept asking me.

 

"NOOOOO!" I let out from the pit of my stomach. Jenny asked the same thing in a different way a few times. She asked me "Can't you find someone to take?" I was insulted, and I felt like asking "Can't you find someone who actually wants to go?". Instead I agreed to go. This made me so angry that it still hasn't gone away. It's almost a year later and I still get annoyed when I think about it.

 

Going to an NFL Game is not like going to a movie. You have to leave an 90 minutes early, the game lasts for another three hours, and then it takes two hours to get home. I didn't feel like doing that for six hours that time, but I did anyway. I thought I wouldn't be mad after the game, but I still was. I told Jenny what happened; I hoped I would feel better after that, but I didn't, and I regret even telling her.

 

That was the first crack, but it was a small one.

 

Jenny was still talking about the wedding all the time. She even started to mention a different date to other people. It was a year earlier than the first one. I brought the subject up, and instead of discussing it, I just said no. I didn't feel like that gave me enough time to sort my issues out.

 

That was another crack. I made it, and it was much bigger than the first one.

 

When I said that Jenny went from being really happy about the wedding to a look of shock. Then she locked herself in the bathroom. I made her go from being on top of the world to sobbing. This is the first of my big regrets.

 

I told her I needed time to get used to the idea of getting married. Jenny got offended. She gave me a few oppurtunities to change my mind, she even told me it would be a great Christmas present, but I'm a guy, and we don't like changing out mind after we say no. So I was stubborn. An idea occurred to me later, I could have said "How about if we just move that date back one day." Never said that though.

 

In Feburary, Jenny told me that either we move the date up a year, or we call the whole thing off. I went for a walk to think about it. I felt like she was moving everything up a year. Having kids, buying a house, everything, and I still hadn't seen a psychiatrist. I had tried seeing one in 2004, but I didn't get the right one. I didn't trust him. I knew that I'd have more time in the summer to see one, so I was just putting it off until then.

 

I thought "Maybe we should just call it off for now, and maybe we could get back together down the road.". Bad idea.

 

I went back and told Jenny that I wasn't going to get married this year. She said okay, and that she still considered us engaged, and for someone reason, thinking we could still get together later I said I didn't think it was now was the time, and that we should break up.

 

Jenny, of course, got really mad. She cried and yelled. I don't blame her; I'd handled things terribly. I still spent the night, and she cried and begged me to get married. I was still afraid. It was a deep paralyzing fear. I don't know if I ever described it to her.

 

The next day, we went to a sandwich shop, and I didn't get back together with her. I did tell her that I was thinking about it though. I came back a week later. I should have realized there was a reason I kept coming back.

 

That was another crack.

 

In March, Jenny told me she thought she was pregnant. I agreed to marry her if she was; I think I handled it pretty well actually. I took an approximate due date as my vacation from work. It turned out she wasn't pregnant. I was disappointed in a way, but I thought we had our options wide open. She didn't see it that way, she completely wanted to be pregnant right then. I thought we should talk about it after a couple of weeks, hopefully she would have calmed down by then. I think the most reassuring thing about marriage I said then was "We can talk about it"

 

I made so many cracks.

 

At one point I thought "Jenny and I should break up. She wants to have kids right away, and I'm still working through the beginning of college." I backed off that though, and I decided Jenny and should have a talk, maybe we'd break up, but I hoped we wouldn't.

 

The Saturday we were going to talk something shocking happened.

 

Part 5

 

I was checking my e-mail in Jenny's house. She was on the phone when I walked in, so I just went to the computer. She came in and told me that her estranged Father had killed his wife of twenty years, and then himself.

 

They had two kids together. A girl who was fifteen, and a son who was ten.

 

Jenny and I went to the police station, and I saw her little brother for the first time. I had already met her sister, but everything was different now.

 

Jenny asked me what I would do if she moved into a place with her little borther and sister. I told her I wouldn't do anything differently. I asked her if she was getting a bit ahead of herself. A week later the three of them moved into a place together.

 

I helped them move in "Nice place you have here Jenny" I was trying to be reassuring. One of Jenny's family said it could be my place to if I married Jenny. I probably looked like a deer in headlights. Later on, Jenny's Mom asked when I was moving in.

 

I was already planning on moving to a friends new place. I should have let this change my plans, but I didn't. I thought two things

 

1) I've heard that its good for a couple to live indepently before they move in together. I don't want both of us to move from our parents house a place together. So let me move in with my friend and reassess things from there.

 

2) I don't know her brother and sister. If I do become their parent, I should get to know them first.

 

I have to admit I didn't know what to do at first. Jenny and I were on shaky ground beforehand, basically because of the kid issue. Now she had two of them, and I was still afraid of marriage.

 

In fact, my fear manifested itself in a very bad way. When we would talk about marriage; I would put conditions on it. Too many conditions, stuff I didn't even mean. I didn't realize what I was doing, but I was harming the realtionship. It was very bad of me. I did that before Jenny inherited her brother and sister.

 

After a few weeks I changed my mind about family. The two kids were great ( I'm not mentioning their names here intentionally ). I wanted to do it, even if I was still a little uneasy about the whole thing. I mean who would be comfortable?

 

Jenny and I didn't have much one on one time throughout this whole thing. We got in a room together and talked. She invited me to lie on her bed, but I think that made me even more uncomfortable as the kids walked by the door a few times. I told her that the kids weren't a reason to leave, they were a reason to stay. She told me that she had figured that out, but she was offended that she wasn't a reason to stay and that I had about another month to decide whether we should get married.

Things went downhill from there, and we broke up.

 

Jenny was stressed out, and I was looking to her for her reassurance. I said we had big issues to work out ( we didn't really ). I didn't take break up seriously enough, and I walked out. Biggest regret of my life.

 

I was moving and working seventy hours a week, I thought it was going to end soon, but it didn't. It ended at the beginning of August. I saw Jenny after that, and she gave me a couple of oppurtunities to get back together. For some reason I didn't take them. Part of me thought. "Okay, we'll get back together when my job is over which'll be pretty soon." It lasted about a month longer than I thought it would.

 

After the job ended I called Jenny. I wanted to get together and talk about getting back together, but I didn't She told me she was on vacation with the kids, and that we could talk when she got back. I called her

the next week.

 

She told me she was seeing someone else.

 

I knew she had been looking at personal ads on the internet. A mutual friend of ours had encouraged us both to put them up. I did, but I didn't take it seirously. She had met someone else. I kept a lid on it, but I was so hurt.

 

I asked if I could do something with her little brother, who I had never stopped hanging out with. It came out wrong. "Can I do something with him, would that be good for us?". She agreed to let me do something with him. We got off the phone and she called me back. She told me we should stop speaking altogether.

 

I lost it. I pulled over and started sobbing on the phone. She also told me I couldn't do anything with her little brother. That made me cry even more. She asked me "Is there anything you want to say to me before we stop talking" I can only imagine what she was trying to get me to say. I couldn't think of anything then.

 

THERE'S MORE IN THE NEXT MESSAGE

[Jacob&I]

I was up all night. I just kept thinking "My family!" over and over.

 

 

I finally went to the psychitrist the next day. It was a while before I could see one, but when I did he explained something something to me. When I told him the story of my parents, he told me that I had a fear of abandonment. I was mistaking that for a fear of marriage. When Jenny told me that she didn't want to speak to me anymore, it was like my Mother had left me again.

 

Before I actually got in to see a psychitrist, Jenny had told me she didn't want to talk after we tied some loose ends up. We were originally going to do that on a Wednesday, so I made a plan. I decided to ask her to marry me. I put on some nice clothes and drove out to the the town she lives and waited for her call. After a few hours I got impatient and called her, it turns out she was waiting for my call. She was on her way to work a few miles away from me. I asked her to marry me over the phone. Bad idea I know. She told me that she was in a different place now, she turned me down. She told me she had just got out of family therpay. I asked her how much I missed my window by, and she asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I decided I didn't want to know. Part of me thinks I missed it by one day. I was shocked. I told her that I hope she's happy with whatever decisions she makes.

 

I saw Jenny that Saturday. I gave her her cell phone back and I told her three things.

 

1) I miss you.

2.) This has taught me that you have to take the oppurtunites as they come.

3.) If I got another oppurtunity I wouldn't waste it.

 

Can you tell what I was trying to say with the third one? Jenny said "good".

 

I didn't call Jenny after that. I did send her two letters which my psychitrist told me was counterproductive.

 

Three weeks after I stopped talking to Jenny I figured something out while I was at work. I put all those conditions on getting married because I was afraid of it. Also, I didn't do anything until Jenny told me she wanted to stop talking because I still had her in my life. I was much more ready to get married after figuring this out. Marriage is a promise not to abandon the other person. The ironic thing is, Jenny is the person I know least likely to get divoriced.

 

I let my anxiety about marriage affect the way I treated Jenny, and boy did it ever cost me. I sent Jenny an e-mail telling her this in the middle of September. Also not the best idea I ever had.

 

The next time I talk with someone about getting married. I'm going to tell them I want to get married, and then iron out the details.

 

At the beginning of August Jenny told me she had been dating someone for two weeks. Last I heard there were still together.

 

In fact Jenny replied to my letters. She told me that I was a wonderful guy. That it wasn't my fault or her fault things didn't work out between us. She said that for a long time she thought I was her life partner, but she had found someone else who she thinks might be her partner, but that she doesn't know how things will turn out with him. It also said we wouldn't be dating again. The letter was dated Sept 7, but the post mark was sept 25. I got it on the 26th.

 

Maybe I'm grasping at straws here, but here's why I'm hoping that there just may still be a shot left.

 

1) I dated her for three years.

2) This wasn't the first time she said we'd never get back together. She told someone very close to her the same thing the first time we broke up that we wouldn't ever get back together.

3) I do what people who get themselves in trobule do. I prayed. A date occurred to me. A date that was right before the vacation I scheduled when I thought Jenny was pregnant. This date also makes the beginning of August the halfway point after our breakup. I'm hoping there's some divine intervention here. The date just popped in my head while I was thinking about a completely different date.

 

I know what I want to tell her, and I hope I have the oppurtunity.

 

Anyone have any advice?

[mental_traveller]

I think this would be a really bad match, to be honest. If you had met a real soul mate for you, then this kind of drama would not happen. Think about it - she has pressured you way beyond your comfort level to get married; you have had serious emotional reservations about getting married too soon. These are both signs that it isn't right.

 

She sounds to me like the sort of person who wants to get married and have kids first, and the person who she actually ends up marrying is somewhat secondary in the equation. This is pretty common with women. Also, her refusal to accept "no" for an answer from you is another bad sign, it shows she doesn't put your needs & feelings equal with hers, either that or she just doesn't listen. It sounds to me like you both just have totally different priorities. Also, when she put you down about not moving forward in life, that tells me she cares more about ending up with a comfortable family unit, than ending up with you. I find the subtle pressure from her family to be a red flag too. Listen, marriage is something that you should only do if *you* want to, and are 100% sure with no reservations. You should never feel pressured, trapped, or otherwise pushed into it. Anyone who tries to pressure you in any way is a harmful influence on your life - if this is your possible future wife and mother-in-law doing it, then this is just a really bad sign.

 

My honest advice would be to pull yourself together, and move on. Next time, don't take sh*t from a woman, and don't string out a relationship once it starts developing flaws. Also, work on being more open and honest yourself. I mean let's be frank - you had a whole load of doubts and worries about marriage and your gf, and you didn't even tell her! You let her proceed on false pretences, and that's not fair. So it would do both of you a favour to just move on and forget it.

 

Now, in case you are not convinced (which is almost certain!), just look at what she has said to you. She's told you it won't be happening, she's met someone else. Remember when you got annoyed because she wouldn't take no for an answer? Well, now it's your turn to take no for an answer. If you ignore her wishes then you are just being a hypocrite, plain and simple.

[daphne]

Jacob,

 

I don't think your story is terribly unique. You took your ex for granted and it's coming home. I disagree with the last poster in that I don't believe your ex was just looking for someone to get married. She wouldn't have stayed with you for as long as she did if she wanted to just get married. Also, she probably would have chosen someone who already had the education and career she wanted if she just wanted stability. She was hoping that you would better yourself for the sake of your future. That's the kind of girl you want in your corner. I do agree, however, that she and her mother pushed too hard. That's enough to scare any person away.

 

That being said, there are two courses of action you coudl take. One is to wear her down by letting her know that she's the one for you. THe other is to accept that she's gone and go no contact. The first course only works when teh guy took the woman for granted and she's pretty angry and is vehement they won't date again. It's punishment and a test to see how far he'll go to get her back. If she's really angry, you still have a place in her heart. However, I think in your situation, the second course is the best course. It sounds like she's more resigned so there is less love on her end. She's dating someone else and this will give her time with someone else to figure out how she really feels about you. They have no time together and she'll constantly refer back to you. Also, your absence will make her wonder and she'll start to miss you a lot.

 

I think you need to continue with therapy and work through what scares you. Because even if you don't get her back, you're going to have to deal with this again in the future and you don't want to miss another opportunity. I applaud you for being completely self aware about your mistakes. You sound like my ex, except I don't think he fully understood as quickly as you do the err of his ways. He probably does now, but unfortunately it's too late. He took me for granted (kiss of death for a guy) and he was lucky to have me in for the first place.

 

Right now I would just try to keep improving and get your life on track. You'll probably hear from her again. Just don't pursue right now unless the scenario fits.

[Jacob&I]

Original Poster here:

 

I've got some extra things to say.

 

1) I did tell my girlfriend about my doubts about getting married throughout our relationship. I was always honest with her.

 

2) I did call her after I got the last letter. I told her I got it, would respect it, but I wanted to ask her to be more specific about a couple of things. She said good, and that we could talk, but the she didn't have time right then. She told me to call her in two days. I called her two days later, but superstitously decided not to talk a lot until that date I came up with. So, I just told her I didn't feel like talking then. I told her I'd call her later.

 

3) Her mother never pressured me to marry her. Her asking when I was moving in was as close as she ever got over three years. Her mother is a great person I'm always happy to speak to. I've already got her Christmas present picked out.

 

4) The date I picked is this month. I'm less optimistic as it comes. I have to try don't I though? I'll regret it for a long time if I don't.

 

Jacob

[Josalina]

hey u wrote to me so i thought i would read your thread, i am sorry to hear what u have learnt through this, however remember evreything is done for a reason.

 

it is so sad reading these as it hits home with the same sort of problems myself, my ex was 22, 23 in a few weeks and i am nearly 20, he wanted me to marry him, and although i said i would but i wanted to live a bit first, i explained i loved him etc and i would but when the time was right for me as i was young actually i feel i still am, i said if he could give me time, etc, he knows i am scared of commitment for certain reasons and although this had nothing to do with the break up at all, he still used it against me, so my point is, u will always feel you regetd something, but at the time it was right for you, so u shouldn't feel guilty for something that was uncontrollable and if it was it was done for a reason.

 

i am sorry to hear u learnt the hard way as i did but i still feel i didn't do anything wrong, my ex also told me that, he left as he had never been alone and didn't know what he wanted in life, he wanted to move abroad and although it brakes my heart i have to let him go, i offered to go with him, he didn't want to take me somewhere i didn't want to go... etc i won't bore u but what i am trying to say is reading from part 5 lol i don't think u done anything unfixably wrong, so tell yourself it wasn't you, she should of excepted you weren't ready, and if she could meet someone that quick it tells me she needs someone to support her, don't feel bad if you were scared to do that at the time, it is a big responsability bringing up children, especially when they are not yours and you bearly know them.

just learn from you experiences, if your paths cross again it will be done for a reason. take care