I freaking hate my mother

[rina_r]

First, we are immigrants from another country. Both went through tough marriages in lives. Right now i am dating a wonderful guy. And she is just awful...

She thinks he has to pay for me all the way and i cannot/must not spend a single dollar on him because according to her he will get used to me paying and will use me for money all life long.I told her not to get involved but she says it every time we talk.

Then, she discriminates people. I never knew it until..i married my ex-husband who was of a different race. How much racists crap i heard!

Now, when i told her my b/f's sister is bisexual...i heard a bunch of crap why some people cant be normal (straight).

I am tired of it. I am upset to the point that i am crying now. I dont know how to make her shut up. And every time i disagree she says i am being rude to her.

I cannot completely quit talking to me, she is practically all family i have and i know she needs help. And we DID have a good relationship until recent.

[Almost]

Somehow you just need to stop reacting and responding to her. She can have her opinions, and you can disagree. But you don't have to argue with her, or try to justify yourself, or try to change her opinions.

 

Just refuse to argue. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Just say you hear what she is saying, you understand her point of view. You'll think about it and take it into consideration. And leave it at that. You don't have to actually do or change anything, or justify your own views to her.

 

You are not her, and she is not you. You are separate people. You don't have to agree on everything or anything, if you don't want to. You don't have to try to change each other's minds. Just let go and stop trying to convince her of anything. Don't try to change her.

 

If you are living with her in the same house, move out into your own place.

[Ross_K]

Thanks Almost, I think I could apply some of this advice to my mum.

[Almost]

I've had problems and issues with both of my parents, when I was younger. At times I hated them both and wrote them off, not talking to them for months. My sister also when through a similar period more recently.

 

The advice I gave is basically the gist of what different psychologists and others have given to us over the years. It's the same advice my mother received for dealing with my sister.

 

Often people get so enmeshed in each others lives that they lose sight of who they are and their individuality. This happens a lot with spouses as well as parents and children. Everyone is living their lives through each other, and their emotions are all tangled up and intertwined with each other, in an unhealthy way.

 

Part of the process of growing up is realizing that your parents are just regular people, not the gods we tend to think they are when we are children. They have their faults. Unless they are truely evil, most parents love their kids and are just doing the best they can, given what they have to work with. They might not be the best parents and might make a lot of mistakes. But it's not intentional, it's due to their history of how they were raised by their parents, and what they think is the right thing to do in any given situation. If they make mistakes or make poor judgements, it's not because they don't love you or because they are evil. They are just regular human beings and aren't the perfect parents you wish they would be.

 

It doesn't serve any pupose to hate them. They are your parents and you have to deal with them, and respect them to a certain extent just because they are your parents. You love them because they are your parents and they love you because you're their children. But other than that, they are just people you have to deal with, like you have to deal with people at work.

 

It's great if you can have a really close, super loving relationship with your parents, and get along all the time, and agree on everything, and share everything with them all the time. Most people don't have that close of a relationship with their parents. It's ok, if you don't have that kind of relationship, it doesn't mean you suck and they suck. It just means you're all human.

 

Over time, relationships can get better. But it has to start by stopping the cycle of being too intertwined with each other's emotions. Everyone has to be their own person with their own opinions, thoughts, and decisions. You can exchange ideas and opinions, but in the end everyone is going to lead their own life and has to make their own decisions.

 

You don't have to "win" every argument. You don't have to change anyone's mind. Just listen and respect the fact that they have their opinion and are entitled to their point of view, even if you don't agree with it and choose not to follow their advice. No one has to do what anyone else says, and no one has to change anyone's mind. But eveyone should listen to and respect and attempt to understand each other's point of view, simply because they're family.

[rina_r]

Excuse me, listen to racist remarks????? Or anything of that kind?? You must be out of your mind!

[Buttaflyy]

Excuse me, listen to racist remarks????? Or anything of that kind?? You must be out of your mind!

 

Either you ignore those remarks, or you argue with her and wind up crying over it later. If you can't avoid having these types of conversations with her, you can choose not to react.

 

Almost gave you great advice.

[Almost]

Excuse me, listen to racist remarks????? Or anything of that kind?? You must be out of your mind!

 

You don't have to put up with that. Just say you don't want to hear that and won't have a conversation about that. Don't argue about it.

 

The bottom line is to stop reacting and over-reacting every time she pushes your buttons. And stop pushing her buttons just to get a reaction out of her.

 

Just stop.

 

Let her have her opinions. So she's a racist. Big deal, it doesn't mean you have to be one, and doesn't mean you have to justify why you are not one. And you don't have to try to convince her not to be one. Let her be a racist if she wants to be that way.