Wife is seperating from me with my son.

[kimokeo]

My wife is moving out and taking my son. She doesn't have a job right now, and hasn't had one in over a year. I have been supporting her, but she also has been living off of an inheritance. We don't make enough money to support the kind of life where she can stay home with our son. I wish we did b/c I don't want him in daycare.

 

She is moving into her own place b/c we can't get along. We both have agreed that we want to remain togethor, but work on our problems from different spaces.

 

I am afraid to lose my son and my wife. But I realize this is what we need right now. We want to work out our finacial/custody stuff AWAY from court. She doesn't want to do a LEGAL SEPARATION. I don't either. What can we do and what should we do to protect ourselves and our son as well as our finances?

 

I own a small business. I am willing to pay a fair amount. I don't make a lot of money. But I do pay for her Medical Insurance, Car Insurance and her Cell phone bill. What is recommended in this case?

 

I love my wife and she loves me as far as I know. The separation was HER idea and I had to abide by that descision. Any thoughts?

 

Lastly, I want to close in saying that we are going up and down... Happy and Sad... I am now sleeping in a seperate room b/c the separation feels so lame. I can't look at her sometimes...

 

Sometimes it seems like things will drastically change once she is out... Once again, any thoughts?

 

Thank you

[Guest]

Do whatever you an to save your marriage. Marriage is not a temporary arrangement. Our society has done us a disservice by leading us to believe that divorce is okay. It isn't. Talk to her... ask her what she needs. Really listen to her when she is telling you. Try counseling. Pray for your marriage. Good luck.

[Pink_Tulip]

I don't know that I agree that a seperation is a good idea, especially if you both want to work on your marriage. I think this will be too disruptive, especially for your child.

 

Have you been to marriage counseling? A lot cheaper than her moving out. There are places that do it for reduced rates if it is that big of an issue.

[Gunny376]

First off. I'd post in the divorce/ seperation section.

 

With that said, the separation idea is a bad idea ~ that's running from the marriage, the issues, the problems, yourself, each other. Its bad for you, its bad for her, and its bad for the children.

 

I'm retired military ~ Marines. I've seen a lot of young couples make it because they didn't have any choice but to make it work. There wasn't anywhere for them to go. There was no running home to Mama, there was no family, there was no life-long friends to move in with, there was only the choice of making it work.

 

Relationships are easy to get into! Hard to maintain! Hard to get out of! But all too easy to get into!

 

The problem here as I see it is the same problem that I had when I was married ~ you married to young. Now that I'm 49 and hindsight is 20/20, most people under the age of 30 simply lack the interpersonal skills and experience necessary to make a marriage work. They get married in their early twenties, and then ten years later they're sitting around wondering when and how it all fell apart. Of course by then they've got so entangled emotionally, financailly, etc its just a damn mess when it comes to splitting up.

 

Most of us go to High School, trade school, junior college, college, the military, etc, and we learn about all sorts of things about life and about the world, about how to make a living and how to do this or that. But, you know the one thing that you never come across? Is 1. How to be successfully married, and 2. Personal Finance.

 

Me? I'm a finance major in college ~ but what I was taught and learned had very little to do with "personal finance" And, no where that I know of in the formal educational system is their taught a class about how to be successfully married.

 

Most of the very few that have gone through what I've gone through and what you are going through are motivated to learn the answers to the questions and the solutions to the problems.

 

The thing that you and the wife need to do, is back up, back off, pull back and re-group. For the time being ~ just be room-mates, and contrary to popular belief there's nothing wrong with that!

 

Meanwhile, you and she need to get back into school:

 

Books to read:

 

"Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" Dr. John Gray

"The Five Languages of Love"

"Romance 101"

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

"Light Her Fire"

"Light His Fire"

"Genderspeak ~ You Just Don't Understand!"

"Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love"

"DivorceBusters"

 

Goggle the above, and you will find a lot of paid sites, they're worth the money, but its against LS's policy for me to link you to them.

 

One they will let me link you to is Marriagebuilders, you need to check it out. Just Goggle it!

 

Guns!

[Trimmer]

We want to work out our finacial/custody stuff AWAY from court. She doesn't want to do a LEGAL SEPARATION. I don't either. What can we do and what should we do to protect ourselves and our son as well as our finances?

There is a dichotomy in your questions here... On one hand, the advent of a separation usually brings with it questions about protecting onesself, one's child, one's finances, because it is usually and inherently an adversarial situation: each partner is positioning to get a share of the resources, and since it's a zero-sum game, then what one gets, the other essentially "loses."

 

Yet your question is asking about protecting "ourselves" and "our finances." If you are working together, and avoiding any trappings of a legal separation, then who are you trying to protect yourself from?

 

If you are not legally separating, then you are legally still one financial entity, both benefitting from all income and responsible for all bills and debts. How you split the bills is up to you - if it is so unnecessary to "legitimize" the separation, they why not just keep paying bills like you have been?

 

On the other hand, if you are having disagreements about these issues, and you are not working together effectively to make this happen, and you are actually concerned about protecting yourself from her, that's exactly what a separation agreement is designed to resolve and get down on paper. If that's the case, then avoiding a legal separation (because somehow, doing it legally or "through the courts" is considered "bad" for some reason...) is specifically giving up the kind of protection you are asking about.

 

So you've got this dichotomy: you say you agree that you don't want to execute a legal separation, but you want to know how to protect yourself/yourselves. Well, normally protection comes from agreeing on all pertinent issues (negotiating an agreement), making your agreements unambiguously clear (normally by writing them down), binding yourselves to adhere to them (usually by signing a document, making it a contract) and putting some consequences behind failure to adhere to your agreements (like, say, filing it as a legal separation agreement.) If you don't want to go that far, then the question of how well protected you are simply comes down to how effectively you have communicated your agreements - whether you've truly achieved a meeting of the minds - and how much you trust each other.

 

The separation was HER idea and I had to abide by that descision. Any thoughts?

One thought: is her "taking your son" also her decision, that you "have to abide by?" If so, I am uncomfortable with the sound of it, but I'm interested to hear your further thoughts on that.

 

How much say have you had in all of this? Is she calling all the shots and you are "abiding by" her decisions because you feel you have no choice or no power? Do you really agree that what is going on is the best course, or are you just going along with it?

 

What steps are you each going to take once you are separated to "work on your problems?" What is your plan? Are they individual problems, or problems between you? Do you have plans for individual or marriage counseling? Is it possible that the separation is an exit strategy for her to ease her way out of the marriage? Because otherwise, a separation that is supposed to be about recovery, but without any plan for that recovery is likely to be a stagnant (or deteriorating) situation.

 

And forgive me for asking this, but do you trust her? It sounds like you are willingly letting her establish a household in (sole?) custody of your child - this could be a slippery slope if (heaven forbid...) it eventually comes to a divorce...

[kimokeo]

In response to you all,

My wife is very headstrong, determined and fiercely independent. I knew this getting married to her. I dealt with it and embraced the fact that when we married she/I would learn to compromise. Otherwise why get married? You have to learn to compromise.

 

I was asked to go to counseling in the past. I did before our son was born, but after he was born I stopped. I got busy with work and felt I was being pushed away from the family. (by her). She would make me feel like I wasn't part of the unit. I reacted with distancing myself, going out with friends and sleeping on the couch. (alot).

 

She would tell me that I need to go to counseling. I would respond with I don't have the time or money... Unfortunately this was a call for her to start making a descision. To leave...

 

So when we she said she was moving out. I didn't know what to say? I had a really hard time with it at first. Especially because of my son... Waking up every morning to him... eating dinner with the family... you know the special drills! Well she had her mind MADE UP. There was NO changing it either. Believe me.

 

I do trust her. I do think this is a bad idea. I know it is. But there is no room for discussion with her about it. She says she doesn't see things changing, us being friends, lovers etc... Unless there is a separation.

 

I did not want to separate. But there is no changing her mind... I wish there were...

 

Right now we are talking, sometimes sleeping in the same bed and sharing time with eachother. But the clock is ticking... November 1st she is out.

 

I began counseling and am going to a Non Violent Communication course soon. I want to get back on track, but fear that things will drastically change once she is on her own. She isn't smart with money or finance. She is careless about things sometimes. (security kind of stuff). And now she has my son. We are trying to work out our finance and custody stuff on our own. But she pretty much is calling all the shots.

 

I am so tired of fighting with her. So tired of her RESENTMENT when we do have arguments over things. It just feels like every time I argue about something I believe in and think is right, she turns it into another reason to resent me. She shuts down and moves further and further away.

 

By the way she is talking, it seems like she is leaving for at least a year? She said she has no time limit. Only that we can become better freinds, learn to communicate and has the hope of being under the same roof again someday.

 

I want to believe this, but have a hard time b/c I fear she is going to change or that yes this is an easier way out? There is the possiblity she is doing this to make it easier?

 

I want to protect her, I want to protect my son. I just want us to be togethor and I can't believe I am not getting another chance... Yes we fought. Yes we said hurtful things to oneanother, but even her own mom says she thinks this is not a good idea. That it doesn't seem like its bad enough for her to leave...

 

You know space is one thing. But Separation is another.

 

On a side note, she has been trying to open a daycare. She is having a very difficult time finding a place that will allow her to do one. I know part of her motivation to get out is to start her daycare. The place we are in now said no too... She asked me to move and I didn't want to. We have a GREAT place. She has a master's degree and wants to stay home with our son. I would love that but my job doesn't give us the luxury of a stay home mom... She thinks she is going to do without me now...

 

I am worried about not only my finances, but her's... Her plan is to find a Studio, until she can get into a house to do her daycare? She also said that she isn't going to be working on our relationship until she gets her daycare going? That could be MONTHS! Meanwhile, I am supposed to sit around and wait?

 

Sometimes I don't know what to do. I truly belive in marriage working. I DO NOT want a DIVORCE. But the ball is sort of in her court. I feel like I have to sit and wait for her ultimate descision... And my son... He has to be drug through all of this.

 

On top of that she has been trying to "INTERVIEW" my prospective roomates... One guy, a good friend won't even call me back! I have less than a month to find somebody and I have no time for this!

 

Thanks for the input

[kimokeo]

One thought: is her "taking your son" also her decision, that you "have to abide by?" If so, I am uncomfortable with the sound of it, but I'm interested to hear your further thoughts on that.

 

How much say have you had in all of this? Is she calling all the shots and you are "abiding by" her decisions because you feel you have no choice or no power? Do you really agree that what is going on is the best course, or are you just going along with it?

 

What steps are you each going to take once you are separated to "work on your problems?" What is your plan? Are they individual problems, or problems between you? Do you have plans for individual or marriage counseling? Is it possible that the separation is an exit strategy for her to ease her way out of the marriage? Because otherwise, a separation that is supposed to be about recovery, but without any plan for that recovery is likely to be a stagnant (or deteriorating) situation.

 

And forgive me for asking this, but do you trust her? It sounds like you are willingly letting her establish a household in (sole?) custody of your child - this could be a slippery slope if (heaven forbid...) it eventually comes to a divorce...

 

As far as my plan: I am going to my personal counselor. She wants to work on things but has said she isn't going to work on our situation until she gets on her feet?

 

We plan to go to a marriage counselor, and a Non Violent Communication course. We also plan to go on dates and spend time working on things. But like I said in the other response that could be MONTHS?

 

I am worried about her setting up a SOLE household with my son. I dont' know if this is a plan or not? He is only 17 months old and she says he isn't ready to spend the night with me yet?(I beg to differ). So my say isn't really strong unless I take further actions. ie: Court, Mediator...

 

How much say have you had in all of this? Is she calling all the shots and you are "abiding by" her decisions because you feel you have no choice or no power? Do you really agree that what is going on is the best course, or are you just going along with it?

 

As far as my say. Well I am careful with it because the situation is already bad enough. I don't want to make it worse. I do feel like she has the power because she is with my son and I dont' want to lose my family. I feel that if I do disagree it will make her move further and further away from getting back togethor. I KNOW this all is not a good course. I do however know she is a good mother and means well, I guess you can say I am going along with things...

 

Thanks Trimmer