what's the chances of ?

[anna13]

I am the one that left the thread ( he left me?) it says I'm a guest but i guess i didnt sign in right( I'm anna13 in case they say it again) . anyway , as you read in my previous thread my husband left me ( seperated and got his own place) says he doesnt want a divorce( rightnow) and doesnt know the future( in other words he may or may not ) . a friend of mine says that even though she hopes for the best for me , she said that 80% of the time,marriage seperation is just going to end up in divorce. especially as my husband gets used to his freedom and not having to anser to anyone and not having to deal with kids( teenager and toddler) . even though i realize that this may be true I hope that it is not . and I wanted to know what everyone ( you) thought about the chances of reconciliation after seperation.

[Gunny376]

In your case, if you play your cards right, back off, let him work through what it is he's working through, give him the gift of missing you, I think you might have a chance.

 

I think he's just "stressed out" with you, the chldren, his job, everything, and is in need of a break to pull back and re-group. You presssure him you're going to drive him out of your life.

 

Now is the time for you to get a grip, do some reading here on LS, keep posting, quit over-analysising everything, and get a handle on your emotional state.

 

For now, you may want to implement some of the following. This is not written in stone and didn't come off the mountain. Use what you can, leave the rest. Its just a guideline for you. Go over it daily, adpat as necessary on a daily basis:

 

This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting:

 

Quote:

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

 

2. No frequent phone calls

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

 

4. Do not follow him around the house

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances

 

8. Do not buy gifts

 

9. Do not schedule dates together

 

10. Do not spy on spouse

 

11. Do not say "I Love You"

 

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

 

21. Never lose your cool

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

 

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

 

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

 

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

 

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[Gunny376]

Go back and find Lor's original thread about her situation ~ yours are very similar, I believe.

 

Also Dgirl's and Lady Jane

[anna13]

thanks for all that info . doing all that is scary thing since i fear that letting go that much might make him more convinced that we don't belong together after all.. but I have been reading relationship rescue( dr.phil) too and they both say very similar things( looking at your list) . there is alot in what you typed that i will remember and use. Today he called this afternoon , i know that it was his day off and he wanted to enjoy it by himself. I did not answer his call today because i felt that maybe he was calling me out of obligation from a conversation from the other day. he did not leave a voicemail so i figured it wasnt important although i was dying to talk to him all morning i restrained from calling him . but when he called me i just didnt want to hear anything like ...in short.. "ok i called , don't push me , i'll call you later when i feel like it " so i think i made the right decision not answering . all part of me not being so needy for him i guess. I don't know when he will call again but I guess I will just have to wait till he calls me.

[Gunny376]

The situation is "fluid" in that it changes from moment to moment, you've got to be soft and strong, flexable but un-yielding.

 

Right now, I want to see you getting a handle on yourself and your emotions which it sounds like your doing.

 

The list as I said isn't written in stone. Use what you can today! Its just a skill set that I've given you ~ use what you will and can, leave the rest on the shelf for the time being.

[anna13]

Go back and find Lor's original thread about her situation ~ yours are very similar, I believe.

 

Also Dgirl's and Lady Jane

I'm still new to this place but i have tried to go back and see the original threads on people's relationship , i will still look . thanks.

[Lor]

Anna, I just read thru your post as Guest and I'll post this one there as well when I'm done.....

 

Don't call him. Let him come to you. He misses you and your toddler? Then its his call to do the contacting. What you are doing by contacting him is not letting him figure out what he needs and wants, not giving him the time he needs to work things out. My X used to tell me that me contacting him, whether in a good mood or not, made it so that he didn't have the time he needed to miss me. If he wants to see your little one, then he needs to make arrangements for visitation time.....not you going to see him.

 

He says he doesn't want a divorce yet.....I hate to tell you this but they all say that, except the good ones that just get it over and done with. You are now on the proverbial rollercoaster and its a ride from hell. Believe 10% of what you hear and 90% of what you see. he's feeding you the typical responses to keep you there but yet have his own space. what it will all come down to is when you've had enough and decide to cut the string.

 

A week is not very long. You can cry all you want, scream, rage, throw things (preferably without the kids around), feel pity for yourself, wonder what you did wrong.....and all it will do is make you miserable, yet somehow better. Because the longer it goes on, the less the tears come, you will start sleeping again, you'll find yourself laughing and feeling guilty like you were laughing at a funeral. and that's okay--you're allowed to laugh, you're allowed to feel good. You are going to grieve for the lost future, the moments that you should be sharing right now, the memories that you can't understand why they don't mean anything to him.

 

Right now you think this is all your fault, and he's supporting that by telling you so. You are not completely at fault--like you'd said, it takes two. But what you will need to do is work on the faults that you do have, but not to get him back. You will need to do this so that you can move on with your life and be happier, whether with him or without him. He's kicked you and your family in the eye teeth, sunk you about as low as you're gonna get. So now you need to start lifting yourself back up, and only you can do it. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's the little things that you do that will make the difference to your attitude--getting a haircut, puting on fingernail polish, going for a walk, joining a gym, buying a new shirt, a new CD, a new movie. you'll be amazed how much better you will start to feel when you start thinking of yourself....and it is not being selfish to do so.

 

This is gonna get worse before it gets better. There are many stages that you will end up going thru; physical and emotional pain, remorse, regret, guilt, confusion, anger, being very happy one day and crying the next two, acceptance, denial...I could go on and on. I'm going to recommend that you read posts by UKSurfer..his wife went flaky on him and yet they still managed to get back together--but he left it completely up to her, no ultimatums, gave her time and space, and focuses competely on himself and his kids. It doesn't sound like it should work but it does! If you push--he's gonna shove so back off now.

 

The reason why I'm getting D is because I did not follow the advice I was given and I pushed....but ultimately it was me who cut the string. Otherwise I'd still be dangling from it today--over 13 months after it started. One day you'll decide you've had enough, if he won't make any moves towards reconsciling. For now, cool your heals and calm yourself...start focusing on you and not on him, when he's gonna call, when you'll see him next, is he okay? what is he doing? If he wanted you to know then he'd let you know.

 

good luck to you and keep us updated.

[anna13]

Gunny , I bought that book today and look forward to reading it . Thanks.

[PWSX3]

a friend of mine says that even though she hopes for the best for me , she said that 80% of the time,marriage seperation is just going to end up in divorce. especially as my husband gets used to his freedom and not having to anser to anyone and not having to deal with kids( teenager and toddler) .

I am about a month farther into the same type of situation as you are, my W moved out the end of Aug. I have heard the same thing but there is that 20% that you could fit into just as I hope I do.

Like someone told me until the "fat lady" sings there is still hope......

These guys have given you some great advice, reading books is a great help to understand what "you" might be able to change. Like they said you can't do anything to change what your H is thinking so just work on making yourself a better person.

In the last week when me & my W were still together I had found this great web site and I started to show her things that were helping me, but she could care less. The more I showed her the more you could tell it was pissing her off. I learned this after she moved out and after I started looking back at the situation.

Good luck, give him his space do good things for yourself and keep yourself busy. I wanted to get my marriage back as soon as possible but even though she was the one that moved out I am not in a hurry anymore to get her back. There are things I need to work on first and then we will see what happens.

Start looking at making yourself a better person and you will start seeing things differantly, at least I have.

On a possitive side I've talked to 2 different people that went thru a separation, one was the H that moved out and he said it was over as far as he was concurred but after 5 months he decided the grass wasn't as green on the other side and they worked it out.

The other one was her parents went thru it and she said it took a long time but now they are better off together then they have ever been.

Someone else explained it to me like this; sure the grass is greener on the other side because of all the bull**** that is over there, and once someone has seen thru the bull**** they see the grass is pretty brown.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

[Gunny376]

Gunny , I bought that book today and look forward to reading it . Thanks.

 

 

OUTSTANDING!~ SIMPLY OUTSTANDING! Let the journey begin ~

 

"Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper."

[brokenhearted29]

You said it all!!!!!! Everything you said is what I am going through. How long did it take before you decided enough was enough. I'm soo scared! We have been together for 10 years and married for one. I am just so angry about the whole situation. One year into our marriage and he is doing this to me. I use to be really bad about calling him and be obsseive but now I dont stress about it as much. Like you said some days are hard. I am having one of those days today. I talked to him yesterday he met me and the kids out for dinner. The thing with him is that he still gives me money and acts like he wants to be with me. We still kiss and tell each other that we love each other. So thats what gets me so confused. His actions show me otherwise. I dont know its just weriod how everything you said is excatly what I'm going through. tks for listening.

 

Anna, I just read thru your post as Guest and I'll post this one there as well when I'm done.....

 

Don't call him. Let him come to you. He misses you and your toddler? Then its his call to do the contacting. What you are doing by contacting him is not letting him figure out what he needs and wants, not giving him the time he needs to work things out. My X used to tell me that me contacting him, whether in a good mood or not, made it so that he didn't have the time he needed to miss me. If he wants to see your little one, then he needs to make arrangements for visitation time.....not you going to see him.

 

He says he doesn't want a divorce yet.....I hate to tell you this but they all say that, except the good ones that just get it over and done with. You are now on the proverbial rollercoaster and its a ride from hell. Believe 10% of what you hear and 90% of what you see. he's feeding you the typical responses to keep you there but yet have his own space. what it will all come down to is when you've had enough and decide to cut the string.

 

A week is not very long. You can cry all you want, scream, rage, throw things (preferably without the kids around), feel pity for yourself, wonder what you did wrong.....and all it will do is make you miserable, yet somehow better. Because the longer it goes on, the less the tears come, you will start sleeping again, you'll find yourself laughing and feeling guilty like you were laughing at a funeral. and that's okay--you're allowed to laugh, you're allowed to feel good. You are going to grieve for the lost future, the moments that you should be sharing right now, the memories that you can't understand why they don't mean anything to him.

 

Right now you think this is all your fault, and he's supporting that by telling you so. You are not completely at fault--like you'd said, it takes two. But what you will need to do is work on the faults that you do have, but not to get him back. You will need to do this so that you can move on with your life and be happier, whether with him or without him. He's kicked you and your family in the eye teeth, sunk you about as low as you're gonna get. So now you need to start lifting yourself back up, and only you can do it. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's the little things that you do that will make the difference to your attitude--getting a haircut, puting on fingernail polish, going for a walk, joining a gym, buying a new shirt, a new CD, a new movie. you'll be amazed how much better you will start to feel when you start thinking of yourself....and it is not being selfish to do so.

 

This is gonna get worse before it gets better. There are many stages that you will end up going thru; physical and emotional pain, remorse, regret, guilt, confusion, anger, being very happy one day and crying the next two, acceptance, denial...I could go on and on. I'm going to recommend that you read posts by UKSurfer..his wife went flaky on him and yet they still managed to get back together--but he left it completely up to her, no ultimatums, gave her time and space, and focuses competely on himself and his kids. It doesn't sound like it should work but it does! If you push--he's gonna shove so back off now.

 

The reason why I'm getting D is because I did not follow the advice I was given and I pushed....but ultimately it was me who cut the string. Otherwise I'd still be dangling from it today--over 13 months after it started. One day you'll decide you've had enough, if he won't make any moves towards reconsciling. For now, cool your heals and calm yourself...start focusing on you and not on him, when he's gonna call, when you'll see him next, is he okay? what is he doing? If he wanted you to know then he'd let you know.

 

good luck to you and keep us updated.