samsungxoxo Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Damn that's sooo messed up. Unless they raped her or she was sooo blacked out and remembers absolutely nothing (which would count as rape also) then you can work it out. Other than that, throw her out the streets. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Reading these posts I am sure you are still in the 'denial/shock' stage of it all. Look up the 5 stages of grief, though it's geared towards those that lose a loved one it's also stages that people go through when their partner has cheated. Tough love is in order, since like you said she is immature. Often (IMO) immaturity comes with having a bad upbringing. My wife is in the same boat. Her immaturity & disrespect had me on the brink of divorce. After about a 2 hour meeting with a psychologist she told me something that is very true. When we are born we are born with a "free-will" however the day we are brought home we start learning to adapt to our environment and how we make decisions. When a child is brought up in a broken home by either bad parenting, alcoholism, abuse, etc.. they "learn" that behavior. Though they might know what they are going through is not what everyone goes through it's what they personally are learning from. This stunts their ability to make good decisions and often is the reason due to their immaturity. Granted there are people out there that get beyond this but many do not. I believe you are in the Parent/Child relationship. ] -- Parent ] -- Adult ] -- Child Unless your marriage is both at the "Adult" stage it won't survive. She needs to push it up a notch so that you can lower yours. As she sees you as her "parent" she will continue to disrespect & cheat on you. Though this is all in front of her remember that you are dealing with a child in some ways. When they act immature this is the childish side of them. It's (IMO) impossible to keep a marriage going in this type of scenario. So.. what to do. What would you do to a child that would give you the ultimate disrespect? Well, of course punish him/her. Tough love is needed for this. In regards to tough-love she needs to finally realize/learn that she has responsibilies in her life that need priority. Her #1 priority in life should be you. Just going to AA once or twice is not going to solve this issue. Alcoholism is a disease and must be treated as one. So you are really dealing with 3 problems here. Alcoholism, Immaturity & her Infelidity. You can't do this all on your own and you need the help of a Marriage Counselor & a Psychologist for her. Try not act on your emotions, though I know it would be hard not to. Usually acting on your emotions will make you regret what you did. You need to set strict boundaries with her and really think about what I call 'unconditional love'. It's a love that is unconditional but it's also a "just" love. If you were to leave the marriage, leave it because you want her to learn from what she has done. Don't leave the marriage to try to punish her or seek revenege. You will be on a huge roller coaster ride now. You might hit the first 4 stages of grief on a daily basis but in the end (though I don't know how much time it will take) you will hit the 5th & final stage. Which is acceptance (and in your case, forgiveness) and ready to move on with or without her. Post here as much as you like. Remember she didn't do this to hurt you (from at least what I can gather from you). However the last thing you want to do is hurt her in any way, or forgive her/let her off the hook right now. 5 Stages of Grief: The five stages of grief are: 1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. 2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving. 3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back. 4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. 5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BackstabbyMcDumbface Posted October 6, 2006 Author Share Posted October 6, 2006 that makes a lot of sense. I'm pretty confused right now. My head is conflicting with my gut instincts, but I'm pretty sure that the parent/child analogy is dead on. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Damn that's sooo messed up. Unless they raped her or she was sooo blacked out and remembers absolutely nothing (which would count as rape also) then you can work it out. Other than that, throw her out the streets. she was on top, why would you think that this was rape? This was with a girlfriend that she was once with, I think that she was a willing participant. Even if she was under the influence she new what she was doing. Pesonally, I don't think that you should throw her out right now, you have some communicating to do, just work it out, even if it means separating it should be mutual. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Pricillia - She was on top of the girlfriend's husband and not the girlfriend. The girlfriend's husband was screwing her when she got caught. It is a huge difference don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted October 6, 2006 Share Posted October 6, 2006 Pricillia - She was on top of the girlfriend's husband and not the girlfriend. The girlfriend's husband was screwing her when she got caught. It is a huge difference don't you think? Yes I do, but as the OP stated in his original story he broke up a threesome. His wife was on top, who knows what the girlfriend was doing. The whole thing is a blow to ones heart and mind... she was not raped she was an active participant, she was at one time with the girlfriend they probably did things like this before. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 If she was in woman on top position with OM, she willingly did it. Booze or no booze she HAS to be held resposible for her actions. I suggest that you divorce her, get a good lawyer. She probable HAS done this before, don't let her talk you out of divorcing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Madaline Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 No offense here but that girl has to be completely stupid to have sex with other people while her husband is sleeping in the other room. Why somone would do this is beyond me. Personally I would kick her out and divorce her but I don't know the details to this whole thing so my opinion could change. Well I guess one good thing is that you found out now and not years down the road if she was in fact doing this all along. I wouldn't let her get a way with this though. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 What was your wifes reaction, or was she too in the throws of an O to even notice or care? In any case she needs to go, the sooner, the better. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 Duhh, she was willingly and consented to it. I only stated that if it had been violation, then it would have been work out, but since she wnated to do it, then it's a deal-breaker right away. To one of the previous previous, yes who with a stupid mind would think about performing sexual acts on the same roof while the OP is sleeping right on the other room, now that's gotta be stupif. If she wanted to do it, she could have invite them to a hotel, anywhere but in the SO's own house, ewwww how sick. Also to the poster, I really hope he got rid of the bed, I would have burn it. If you haven't get a lighter or a match box and burn it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 The single greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Just plain fact ~ and not splitting hairs about it. My attitude toward this sort of thing has always been: Her: I screwed up! Me: Yes you did! Her: I've changed, I've got my act together! Me: GREAT! Now maybe you can go and find someone you can truly be happy with because its not going to be me. I'm 49, and I'm telling you some of the best year of your life are before your 40, (and after 40 as well). The investment of time, effort, energy, and money that you invest in this one woman ~ this one alcoholic, cheating woman ~ would ~ could yield you ten other women who would be damn grateful of you and what you've got to offer. There's this mentality among men that I personally believed evolved in middle school and high school years that women have the supply and men have the demand. That's BS! As I said there's no shortage of men nor women. There's only about six billion other people on the planet. What does this one woman have to offer you that all the other women in the world don't have? Breasts? A vagina? Me? I know what I'm bringing to the table, what I want to know is what is the woman bringing to the table? If I'm bringing everything to the party, and the only thing that she's bringing to the party is herself ~ WTF? Do you know who's problem this is? Hers! And, I'd be damn if I would be letting her make it mine! I'd be putting this little gal to the curb and get busy finding someone who doesn't have so much baggage ~ aka ~ got their act together! There are too many good single women who do have their act together out her just looking for one good man that's got his **** together all in one bag to be wasting your time on women like this. Love? Give me a freaking break. "In love" has already been demonstrated to be a temporty mental illness of the freaking brain housing group akined to Obessive-Compulsive Disorder that last three to six years. Then it wears off. Thus the phrase ~ "Love is blind ~ but marriage is the eye opener!" Link to post Share on other sites
LVspecB Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 Pricillia - She was on top of the girlfriend's husband and not the girlfriend. The girlfriend's husband was screwing her when she got caught. It is a huge difference don't you think? Probably off topic, but why is it less insulting if his wife is cheating with the girlfriend as oppossed to the gf's husband? Doesn't marriage mean that sex and intimacy are reserved only for each other? Many here seem more concerned about the gender of the "cheatee" rather than the actions of the "cheater" LVspecB Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 To LvspecB - If you read his previous posts he said that he was O.K. with her having sex with the girlfriend if only she had told him beforehand since she had done it with this girlfriend previously in college. The fact that she cheated on him with another man changed the equation dramatically in this situation. In this situation the insult for him was that she was screwing another guy. Reread all of his posts and you will understand this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BackstabbyMcDumbface Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 To LvspecB - If you read his previous posts he said that he was O.K. with her having sex with the girlfriend if only she had told him beforehand since she had done it with this girlfriend previously in college. The fact that she cheated on him with another man changed the equation dramatically in this situation. In this situation the insult for him was that she was screwing another guy. Reread all of his posts and you will understand this.I would still have been very upset, but it wouldn't have been totally unexpected. The actual situation was totally unexpected because I am a stupid stupid man. Taking her to the airport in an hour. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 I caught my wife 3 hours ago in a threesome in our house in the guest bedroom after she thought that I'd gone to sleep. I literally woke up in my bedroom to see that she wasn't there, and looked into that room hoping to find that she had just fallen asleep in there to find her on top of another man. She blames alcohol, claims that it means nothing. I threw the other man and his wife out of my house, obviously, and my wife cried herself to sleep. I have no idea what I'm going to do now. So far as i know this has never happened before. i should have beaten them all to death with a tire iron. Right now I'm torn between honoring my marriage vows and just getting a divorce. I feel like such an ******* for even considering forgiving her eventually, for even thinking about deciding to try and work this out, when my gut instinct is to tell her to hit the road and move back to her parent's house. I'm pretty lost. Do you have any idea from the way things looked, how long she was riding OM, if OM went (released) in her already or not. Not that it matters, on the exception that she could be pregnant now, or have and STD. Did he use a condom? Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 I would still have been very upset, but it wouldn't have been totally unexpected. The actual situation was totally unexpected because I am a stupid stupid man. Taking her to the airport in an hour. Are you sending away to her parents? Getting a divorce? No one blames you. YOU are NOT the one who's stupid, SHE IS! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 To Backstabby - You are not a stupid man. Nobody could have conceived of having their spouse do such a think to them in their own home like what happened to you. I think you were in denial concernding her drinking problems just like I was with my ex-wife. What happened to you could not have been predicted. Nobody could have predicted that your spouse would have been so blantant to do what she did waiting for you to fall asleep in your home like she did. You are not stupid but your wife is a total selfish fool who does not deserve you. I wish you luck. P.S. a previous poster made a good point about if a condom was not used then the chance of pregnancy and STD's are a real possibility based on the lifestyle of this other couple. Link to post Share on other sites
RuralProblems Posted October 7, 2006 Share Posted October 7, 2006 Good for you! You did the right thing. And you are most DEFINITELY not the stupid one. Not to scare you, but you should really go to the doc and get tested for all STDs. I went in last week after discovering that my stbX had at least one other lover. I still haven't heard the results, which I'll have to tell you is putting me on edge... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BackstabbyMcDumbface Posted October 7, 2006 Author Share Posted October 7, 2006 Good for you! You did the right thing. And you are most DEFINITELY not the stupid one. Not to scare you, but you should really go to the doc and get tested for all STDs. I went in last week after discovering that my stbX had at least one other lover. I still haven't heard the results, which I'll have to tell you is putting me on edge...This is also a good idea. I was telling myself that I hadn't touched her since, but if all trust is lost i should start protecting myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 What's the latest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BackstabbyMcDumbface Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 She's at home and going to AA meetings with her mom. Sounds like it's productive. I've got an STD screening this week. I still haven't made any decisions on our future. I told her that she'd have to be at home for at least a month, actively sober, before I'd even begin to discuss anything but it sounds like she's in a more healthy environment there than she would be here, so maybe she can get better. I'm going to try and do something with that room today, maybe throw out the mattress and at the very least change it from a bedroom to some kind of study or something. I go back to work on wednesday. got any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 It sounds like what you are doing is fine. I am curious about how your wife tried to explain to you her actions? Did she want to get caught? How could she not know what she was doing was totally humiliating to you and your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 She's at home and going to AA meetings with her mom. Sounds like it's productive. I've got an STD screening this week. I still haven't made any decisions on our future. I told her that she'd have to be at home for at least a month, actively sober, before I'd even begin to discuss anything but it sounds like she's in a more healthy environment there than she would be here, so maybe she can get better. I'm going to try and do something with that room today, maybe throw out the mattress and at the very least change it from a bedroom to some kind of study or something. I go back to work on wednesday. got any advice? I must say, you seem to have taken a very adult and sensible approach to this whole situation, I'm not sure I'd be so understanding. It annoys me how people think it fine to blame all bad decisions and foolish actions on alcohol. If a man/woman makes a fool of themselves whilst drunk it's their own fault, no questions. If you put yourself in a bad situation and do something stupid, in my book you've got to take the consequences. It's easy for people to sit here and tell you - kick her to the curb; dump that cheating b*tch; divorce her; throw her out - but if the shoe was on the other foot would all of these people do just that!? You've got to be honest with yourself - can you forgive/forget? Is there any hope of re-forming a trusting loving relationship? I'd say the key here is to talk, talk, talk to your wife and try to find out what made her do this and how she's really thinking/feeling. The alcohol excuse is just a cop-out, she knew exactly what she was doing. If it's any consolation I'd sway towards agreeing with you in as much as I'd be a lot more pis*ed if another guy was involved as opposed to another girl!? Don't ask me why!? It must be a guy thing. I really hope this works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BackstabbyMcDumbface Posted October 9, 2006 Author Share Posted October 9, 2006 yeah it annoys the piss out of me that people say that they weren't responsible for their actions because of alcohol, but i think that, for people like you and me, it's easy to say because we're in control. as much as it makes me swallow my pride to admit it, the first step in AA is for them to admit that they are powerless over alcohol, which i could never do, because i have power over it. so i'm trying to empathize with someone who has a problem that i can't completely understand. i think that somewhere, yeah, she knew what she was doing. she wasn't raped or anything. but i have to believe that she wasn't in control of her behavior fully, because no rational person would have thrown our lives away like this. we really had a pretty good thing going, i thought, but i've known that she had a drinking problem for a long time and that she was in denial about it. i thought that she was just a sh***y drunk and that she could get over it if she wanted to badly enough. i honestly feel like the adultery is a symtom of her problem, which is lying to herself, which is intensified by her alcoholism. if she deals with being an alcoholic and tries to become an honest person, then unfortunately for my pride i will consider bringing her back into our home. those marriage vows are a giant pain in my a**. Link to post Share on other sites
Spiderman Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 You seem to be a forgiving & trusting guy who loves his wife very much, but no disrespect you do seem to be justifying your wife's actions somewhat. Please don't change, but on the other hand don't let this woman make a fool out of you. I do hope this works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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