i think his wife should know...

[Guest]

I'll make this quick (ish). I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for pushing 3 yrs now. we are both madly in love, well i am and he says he is...

 

the only problem being, it that he's married!!! causes a slight problem. He used to be my boss...as did his wife!!! (oh dear what a pickle). he keeps tellin me he's goin to leave her, but is waiting for the right time to tell her, as to not entirely wreck her life!! obviously i would prefer this to all work out with as little hurt to her as poss, but i accept that that is unlikely. altho i don't want to make matters worse for her, but if we say for arguments sake that he really does want to be with me, which i'm pretty certain he does, then i think the best thing to do is for her to find out the sooner rather than later.

 

The way i see it, and keep tellin him, she's goin to be gutted whether he tells her today or in a months time or whatever. so i really want her to find out, cos the longer he continues to lie to her, the worse it gets.

 

obviously i wish i wasn't in this situation, or at least the situation wasn't like it is!!! i used to be a nice person with morals and everything, hopefully i still am to a certain extent, but u can't choose who u fall in love with. well i dont think u can anyway!!!

 

so if any one has any ideas how i can help her find out what he's up to, let me know, i kinda feel its the least i owe her.

 

i've tried everything, textin and callin her with hints (from random numbers). i think she has a pretty good idea and is mostlikely in denial, but i really feel she should know, even if in the end we all end up single!!!

 

what u think?? any ideas???

[Guest]

I'll make this quick (ish). I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for pushing 3 yrs now. we are both madly in love, well i am and he says he is...

 

the only problem being, it that he's married!!! causes a slight problem. He used to be my boss...as did his wife!!! (oh dear what a pickle). he keeps tellin me he's goin to leave her, but is waiting for the right time to tell her, as to not entirely wreck her life!! obviously i would prefer this to all work out with as little hurt to her as poss, but i accept that that is unlikely. altho i don't want to make matters worse for her, but if we say for arguments sake that he really does want to be with me, which i'm pretty certain he does, then i think the best thing to do is for her to find out the sooner rather than later.

 

The way i see it, and keep tellin him, she's goin to be gutted whether he tells her today or in a months time or whatever. so i really want her to find out, cos the longer he continues to lie to her, the worse it gets.

 

obviously i wish i wasn't in this situation, or at least the situation wasn't like it is!!! i used to be a nice person with morals and everything, hopefully i still am to a certain extent, but u can't choose who u fall in love with. well i dont think u can anyway!!!

 

so if any one has any ideas how i can help her find out what he's up to, let me know, i kinda feel its the least i owe her.

 

i've tried everything, textin and callin her with hints (from random numbers). i think she has a pretty good idea and is mostlikely in denial, but i really feel she should know, even if in the end we all end up single!!!

 

what u think?? any ideas???

 

 

Here's what will probably happen if she finds out from YOU about the affair

 

She will scream and rant and yell at her husband.

 

He will cower and plead and beg and offer explanations.

 

She may or may not kick him out of the house.

 

If she kicks him out of the house, he may come stay with you for a while, but he will tell you he is wounded and upset about the way things happened and needs some space to figure things out.

 

Chances are, he will reconcile with the wife.

 

You will be cast in the villain's role.

 

He will renew interest in 'working on' his marriage.

[Cheshire Cat]

No offence meant, but I think you don't really want to help her, you want to help you.

 

but i really feel she should know, even if in the end we all end up single!!!

 

If you really feel this way, give him an ultimatum: either you tell her, or I will.

 

i've tried everything, textin and callin her with hints (from random numbers).

 

You have tried everything you could try on your MM's back, which is different.

You could still show up in person at her place, or call her from your real number and tell her - she will probably believe you, but you will have to face the outcome of it.

[Dayzie]

If you do tell his wife, he will resent you. He's holding on b.c he is comfortable as do a lot of people in these situations and if his wife finds out, she will likely leave him and he will loose that safety net. If you and him were to not work out he can always go home. If you really want her to know, than you have to consider how he will handle it and consider whether she will leave him or not. Some women won't and you might have to deal with that situation.

 

Good luck!

[bluechocolate]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for pushing 3 yrs now.

 

...but if we say for arguments sake that he really does want to be with me, which i'm pretty certain he does

 

The only thing that seems pretty certain to me is that he wants to be with you AND his wife.

 

so if any one has any ideas how i can help her find out what he's up to, let me know, i kinda feel its the least i owe her.

 

Arrange to meet up with her & tell her. Simple really.

[whichwayisup]

If you tell her (which I don't think you should) be prepared for ANY and ALL consquences of your actions. He could easily tell you to go away and work on his marriage. You back him into a corner and get malcious (telling her because YOU feel she should know) you stand a chance he'll never speak to you again.

 

3 years and he's still at home with her, and keeping you on the side...Sounds like he's got two women and doesn't want that to change! Got a wife at home, a house, family, friends, inlaws, neighbours, a life set up, then he's got you for fun and excitement. Why would he give up this lifestyle?

 

I don't think it's up to you to tell her seeing as YOU are not married to his wife. You tell him it's time - He has to tell her - And say in about a month he doesn't, END IT and walk away forever.

[broken wings]

I was just like you in a 2 year relationship with a MM and at times I really wanted it to come to the surface and his Wife to find out. I can't really explain why I didn't want our cover to be blown but I wanted her to get a few hints so that maybe she would wake up and treat him better. Well she got the hint alright last week and let me tell you it is a really, really bad and miserable situation when you face her. These women are flesh and blood and even though their husbands describe them as non existent and unloving..you wont see a hint of that when you face them. these women gave years of their lives to these men and they don't deserve to be completely ridiculed and told all the dirty facts. That is his job..trust me stay out of it.

[CarolAnne]

I don't remember where I heard this story, probably in kindergarted, about about the sun and the wind trying to make a man take off his coat. The wind said with the force of strength it would blow the coat off the man, but the harder the wind blew the closer he held onto his coat. Then the sun came out and said, I will make him want to take the coat off himself. So the sun shined as bright as possible, and with the heat and warmth the man decided it was too hot to wear the coat anyway.

 

If I were you, I would give him a reason to want to tell her or leave rather than try to make it happen yourself. She could easily blame you and bring him in to both blame you and cling tighter to each other. Also, you will be put in a very uncomfortable situation talking to her when he's the husband and he should be the one to suffer her rage this will also give him another reason to want to leave

[Guest]

As humans we do have the choice of who we fall in love with. It's called free will. If you truly want to solve this without hurting his wife, then don't have sex with her husband. Very simple. You can make your wish come true all you have to do is end the realtionship. You said that you hope you are still a decent moral person. Then prove it and stop having sex with a married man.

[Seen_It_All]

the only problem being, it that he's married!!!

 

That's not a problem for HIM, just for you. He likes it just FINE this way.

 

he keeps tellin me he's goin to leave her, but is waiting for the right time to tell her...

 

LOL, I'm sure he will, just as soon as the last great grandchild graduates college - sometime in the next 50 years or so.

 

but if we say for arguments sake that he really does want to be with me, which i'm pretty certain he does, then i think the best thing to do is for her to find out the sooner rather than later.

 

He wants to be with you alright - on alternate Tuesday nights when he can get out of the house for a couple hours of "fun." But that's about the extent of it. Argue with me all you want - he's STILL home after 3 years. That pretty much speaks for itself.

 

but u can't choose who u fall in love with. well i dont think u can anyway!!!

 

Amazingly enough, you CAN control with whom you fall in love. Some married sleazeball flirting with you and coming onto you can either get shut down immediately or given the green light. Yes Virginia, it's ALL about choice - and anyone over 12 years old KNOWS it's all about choice. I get hit on by married men at work all the time. I CHOOSE to blow it off and continue on my merry way. I don't see myself as helpless at ALL in these situations. See how simple that is?

 

so if any one has any ideas how i can help her find out what he's up to, let me know, i kinda feel its the least i owe her.

 

LMAO - all of a sudden you feel you 'owe' her, do you? The only thing you 'owe' her and have EVER 'owed' her was the common respect of NOT helping her husband deceive her. And that's what you've DONE for 3 years - help the slime DECEIVE her.

 

what u think?? any ideas???

 

Here's a novel idea - get your head out of your a*ss and realize that the world does NOT revolve around you and what YOU want. Removing your head from said orifice might ALSO serve to make you realize you've been used for 3 years. Care to go for 4 or 5?

[whichwayisup]

Good posts by Guest and Seen-it-all.

 

You let this happen, you got involved with a MM. Take responsibilty for your own actions and realize this isn't ALL his fault.

 

Move on, get therapy to help you cope with this - And forget all about the MM. Though, learn from your mistakes!

[Craig]

Wonderful. He is violating his wife's trust of him and you are violating his trust of you.

 

I think all three of you end up single.

 

Even if you and MM did get together it wouldn't work because you couldn't trust him to keep his word and to keep his...in his pants. He obviously isn't the man you have constructed in your mind or things would have 'worked out' for you already.

 

But wait there's more. The man you've constructed in your mind wouldn't cheat on his wife. Are you sure you want to be with this guy?

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

i think she has a pretty good idea and is mostlikely in denial, but i really feel she should know, even if in the end we all end up single!!! what u think?? any ideas???

 

Well, I think she already knows for sure.

 

She just doesn't want to let him go and that's all there is to it.

 

By making trouble you are not going to get him to be with you.

 

Ariadne

[outofdarkness]

I was just like you in a 2 year relationship with a MM and at times I really wanted it to come to the surface and his Wife to find out. I can't really explain why I didn't want our cover to be blown but I wanted her to get a few hints so that maybe she would wake up and treat him better. Well she got the hint alright last week and let me tell you it is a really, really bad and miserable situation when you face her. These women are flesh and blood and even though their husbands describe them as non existent and unloving..you wont see a hint of that when you face them. these women gave years of their lives to these men and they don't deserve to be completely ridiculed and told all the dirty facts. That is his job..trust me stay out of it.

well thanks for someone finally describing us as "real flesh and blood" Of course we are! We are Women who love to be loved, and want to BE with someone who really wants to be with us...Why would you all toy with our feelings by playing mind games like texting and phone hang ups? Those things are just the cowardly way out. I agree that it is up to him to tell his W, but let me tell you as the W of a cheater...It will NEVER happen unless he is forced to..I received a letter in the mail from the OW of 10 years and my H shunned her...He treated her like a used dog bed...She was SO sure that he loved her and wanted to be with her that she wrote a letter to me outlining their "deep" feelings for each other and the love and devotion she felt for our children and the buckets of tears she cried about the problems our son had had...Due to my H's mistreatment of him I might add..She didn't know about this part. She only knew what he had told her, which were ALL lies. She said herself once we finally spoke by phone that I was NOTHING like I had been described or like the picture that she had wanted to portray me as...Most of the time, we are attractive bright, caring, loving and devoted spouses. We love our H's and our families, and we are devastated to find out that another Woman has been in the picture...I don't understand how you O Ws can treat others this way??? Does it not eat away at you...YOU are the ones that are doing the wrong things....WE are the ones that took the marriage vows...What makes you all think you have the right to do what you do? You all are playing with people's lives. When I found out, I was so tired and sick from the stress of it all..I lost 45 lbs in 3 months, that I fell asleep at the wheel and wrapped my car around a tree 10 min after dropping off our daughter at school. Does that sort of thing make you all feel better? Our children were totally traumatized by the whole thing. Our daughter would not get on a computer for months after finding e mails/texts on it from the OW...I could go on and on, but I won't because it never helps...Wives everywhere just keep getting stepped on, humiliated and left broken...

[Guest]

Thank you, outofdarkness. OW have no place in a decent society. Why do they always play the victim? It's like they had no hand in the situation. Like they were forced into something screaming and kicking. They reality is the only screaming and kicking they do is while their in bed with our husbands and then they get upset when the MM dumps them to stay with us. Guess what guest OW (I'm being nice not calling you what you really are), if your MM wanted his wife to know about you, believe me, she would already know. Do what you want. No matter what, the karma train will get you in the end. I promise.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

She was SO sure that he loved her and wanted to be with her that she wrote a letter to me outlining their "deep" feelings for each other and the love and devotion she felt for our children and the buckets of tears she cried about the problems our son had had...Due to my H's mistreatment of him I might add..She didn't know about this part. She only knew what he had told her, which were ALL lies. She said herself once we finally spoke by phone that I was NOTHING like I had been described or like the picture that she had wanted to portray me as...Most of the time, we are attractive bright, caring, loving and devoted spouses. We love our H's and our families, and we are devastated to find out that another Woman has been in the picture...I don't understand how you O Ws can treat others this way??? Does it not eat away at you...YOU are the ones that are doing the wrong things....WE are the ones that took the marriage vows...What makes you all think you have the right to do what you do? You all are playing with people's lives. When I found out, I was so tired and sick from the stress of it all..I lost 45 lbs in 3 months, that I fell asleep at the wheel and wrapped my car around a tree 10 min after dropping off our daughter at school. Does that sort of thing make you all feel better? Our children were totally traumatized by the whole thing. Our daughter would not get on a computer for months after finding e mails/texts on it from the OW...I could go on and on, but I won't because it never helps...Wives everywhere just keep getting stepped on, humiliated and left broken...

 

Dear OUTOFDARKNESS,

 

Your post speaks volumes for wives of two-timing husbands. I am a W, who had been contemplating on starting an affair with a MM. However, this is no longer an option to me. Your story really summarizes the reasons why we should never, ever, even give a MM the chance to betray his spouse.

 

The problem is that we, OWs, are often fed with LIES about their marriages. The OW is often told that his M is over, that he is only with the W in name but not in actuality. What are we to believe?

 

Of course, being on this forum has helped many of us realize that we only have half the story right. Stories like yours really help the OWs understand that the Ws are not monsters like we are told.

 

OutOfDarkness,

I hope you are getting peace within your marriage as well. You sound like a wife any H would wish for!

[lovernotafighter]

Thank you, outofdarkness. OW have no place in a decent society. Why do they always play the victim? It's like they had no hand in the situation. Like they were forced into something screaming and kicking. They reality is the only screaming and kicking they do is while their in bed with our husbands and then they get upset when the MM dumps them to stay with us. Guess what guest OW (I'm being nice not calling you what you really are), if your MM wanted his wife to know about you, believe me, she would already know. Do what you want. No matter what, the karma train will get you in the end. I promise.

 

sheesh what a post..

 

I do agree that outofthedarkness post was very moving and appreciated that she shared her pain with us..

 

but I must say guest your mud slinging is wrong..the OW made a mistake but we are all duped in the web of lies our MM's spin around us..it is hard to be unaffected.

 

many times I see the MM tell there wives it was all about sex..but take my MM...he wants the EA friendship what ever he wants to call it more than anything...he told me a hundred times he was in love with me..it is hard to not be a victim when this kinda stuff is happening...trust me it's easier said than done to just walk away..believe me I've tried.

 

but as far as the question goes 'guest' don't tell his wife. walk away and let it be....no good will come of it..just more heart ache for everyone.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

but we are all duped in the web of lies our MM's spin around us..it is hard to be unaffected

 

Well, my MM didn't tell me any lies. He told me that he loved the wife and was not going to leave her.

 

I couldn't care less . I just wanted to make love to him .

 

After all, he is the one with the vows, not me.

 

Ariadne

[GreenEyedLady]

First of all, I am sorry for BS pain. I know that it is real and devastating. And you are right there shouldn't be a need for OW...however, their are men out there who are pursuing these relationships for any number of reasons...and you're right OOD the W & MM took the marriage vows, we did not...and I think in general, women allow themselves to get stepped on and humiliated and broken...

 

I think that W look at it like the OW is the enemy, it is her fault...the man who promised to cherish you and love you is the one that is causing the pain...he wasn't dragged kicking and screaming into another woman's bed...and alot of them don't even wear their rings or admit they're married...it's alot easier to point the finger at someone you don't know than the one you pledged your life to...

 

And "guest": remember the Karma Train gets everyone in the end...are you so lily white?

[outofdarkness]

First of all, I am sorry for BS pain. I know that it is real and devastating. And you are right there shouldn't be a need for OW...however, their are men out there who are pursuing these relationships for any number of reasons...and you're right OOD the W & MM took the marriage vows, we did not...and I think in general, women allow themselves to get stepped on and humiliated and broken...

 

I think that W look at it like the OW is the enemy, it is her fault...the man who promised to cherish you and love you is the one that is causing the pain...he wasn't dragged kicking and screaming into another woman's bed...and alot of them don't even wear their rings or admit they're married...it's alot easier to point the finger at someone you don't know than the one you pledged your life to...

 

And "guest": remember the Karma Train gets everyone in the end...are you so lily white?

thanks everyone for your words of support...and I don't mind the "mud slinging" In know that every group of people have different points of view and personalities. I try to learn something from EVERY post...not just the posts that are necessaryily "nice" posts...I agree that both the OW and the MM are to blame...It becomes such a sick thing on both sides. I learned alot from the OW in my life..but mostly I learned that you all are real people with real feelings just like the W's...Also, many times, you all are fed lies just as we are. The point I was trying to make is that as far as I am concerned, and this is just my opinion based on my religious beleifs, we are married both legally and in the eyes of God..This means, that I have a hard time understanding why any woman would do this. I can understand more why the MM would but am having trouble with the whole OW thing. I know that you all are good people with great careers, families that love you...really normal lives, I just can't get why you would be with a married man...Also, I do believe that a W can only be humiliated and stepped on when she is unaware of the cheating. After the fact, it's sort of her choice...So..I get that part..

 

Thanks again for the words of wisdom..

[lovernotafighter]

Hi,

 

but we are all duped in the web of lies our MM's spin around us..it is hard to be unaffected

 

Well, my MM didn't tell me any lies. He told me that he loved the wife and was not going to leave her.

 

I couldn't care less . I just wanted to make love to him .

 

After all, he is the one with the vows, not me.

 

Ariadne

 

Ariadne

I love your honesty...okay it's just my opinion most (alright not all) MM tell lies or who knows they might even be truths to the the OW to keep them around.

 

I have been visiting every flipping cheating and BS site there is (outofdarkness is your story on SI? I believe I've read it or something quite similar) and the storey's are so eerily similar...I can help but know I fallen into the popular statistics of affairs..this is generally the way they roll.

 

perhaps outofdarkness it is harder to understand how a OW gets involved with a MM because they are quite faceless, and wives hear the same kind of lies that are believable..boiling down to the fact we all want to believe the men we love are telling us the truth.

 

I know with me..my MM pursued me, cornered me and told me everything I wanted to hear,and things I didn't...I started to need this, it was a addiction, why? who knows..but part of me longed for him, he told me he deliberately made sure he seen me everyday..why? to keep me hooked, this was in the beginning...it's game with lives on the line and they seem to get off on it.

 

please don't miss understand my purpose in reading SI stories...I wanted to hurt badly for everyone, I needed to hear those stories to make sure I could walk away from him, I felt I didn't understand the destruction I was causing and need to glean this and stop it...I did and came back, when I was weak he told me he wants friendship..this is the first good thing my MM has done..believe me..this isn't easy. you can't un ring a bell.

[outofdarkness]

Ariadne

I love your honesty...okay it's just my opinion most (alright not all) MM tell lies or who knows they might even be truths to the the OW to keep them around.

 

I have been visiting every flipping cheating and BS site there is (outofdarkness is your story on SI? I believe I've read it or something quite similar) and the storey's are so eerily similar...I can help but know I fallen into the popular statistics of affairs..this is generally the way they roll.

 

perhaps outofdarkness it is harder to understand how a OW gets involved with a MM because they are quite faceless, and wives hear the same kind of lies that are believable..boiling down to the fact we all want to believe the men we love are telling us the truth.

 

I know with me..my MM pursued me, cornered me and told me everything I wanted to hear,and things I didn't...I started to need this, it was a addiction, why? who knows..but part of me longed for him, he told me he deliberately made sure he seen me everyday..why? to keep me hooked, this was in the beginning...it's game with lives on the line and they seem to get off on it.

 

please don't miss understand my purpose in reading SI stories...I wanted to hurt badly for everyone, I needed to hear those stories to make sure I could walk away from him, I felt I didn't understand the destruction I was causing and need to glean this and stop it...I did and came back, when I was weak he told me he wants friendship..this is the first good thing my MM has done..believe me..this isn't easy. you can't un ring a bell.

what is si?? I am relatively new and don't know...I originally posted my entire story on the infidelity forum...It is under guest b/c I did not at that time feel comfortable setting a user...I was written a couple of weeks ago..Thanks again for the support..You all have been very helpful to me and your advice has been very insightful...

[PoshPrincess]

so if any one has any ideas how i can help her find out what he's up to, let me know, i kinda feel its the least i owe her.

 

Sorry, but don't kid yourself that you're doing any of this for the W! She DOES deserve to know, yes, but her H is the one who owes her the truth and it's not up to you to inform her, either by dropping big hints or by telling her outright. Chances are, if the s**t hits the fan, he won't leave anyway. Better that he leaves of his own accord without her knowing he's leaving for someone else - that will be less agg all round!

 

My MMs W found out about us after four months. He loved me, wanted to be with me, etc but 10 months later, he's still with her. The kids found out all about me and he couldn't risk hurting them anymore. He didn't want them to think badly of him. If W hadn't found out (she told them!) he may have made the break and left of his own accord when the time was right. Now we're all hurt - me, him, the W and the kids.

 

I hope for your sake I am wrong but please don't make a point of letting her know. He may not thank you for it no matter how much he loves you. It's not your place to tell her and you will be causing her even more pain than necessary.

[PoshPrincess]

This means, that I have a hard time understanding why any woman would do this. I can understand more why the MM would but am having trouble with the whole OW thing. I know that you all are good people with great careers, families that love you...really normal lives, I just can't get why you would be with a married man

 

OOD, I am (or was) a OW and I can't possibly begin to justify what I have done. I knew my MM to talk to before we started a relationship and we were seeing each other for 6 months before it became a full-blown PA but, yes, I knew from the start that he was married, and I am sure he has fed me a HUGE amount of bulls**t re his marriage, as he did to his W when she found out about us.

 

I have gone off on a tangent here but all I was going to say was that the Ws fell in love with their husbands for good reason - the same reasons probably as the OW did, so you can see HOW we fell in love with your husbands, or should I say WHY. We don't all feel complete animosity towards the W either. Obviously if we really cared about how they felt then we wouldn't have done what we did (or are still doing) but love is a funny thing. I certainly don't feel proud of what I put my MMs W through and no, I wouldn't like it done to me. My initial instinct is to say that if it was, he would be out the door, and it would be over. I can't judge cheats of course but I know I would be too jealous to ever forgive or trust again and if you don't have trust then what's the point?

 

Your post was heartfelt and very enlightening. I hope everything works out for you.

[Guest]

I'm sorry, I don't see where in the original post the OW says she made a mistake. The way I read it, she knows he is married and she just wants the wife to find out so that she can get the MM. PLease let me know if I'm reading this wrong. I can sympathize with an OW that admits her involvement with a MM is a mistake, but to claim that she wants to spare the W pain and then continues to have sex with the MM makes no sense to me. The fact is, HE IS MARRIED. What else does she need to know to tell her that she is WRONG? Yes, it takes two, but only if both are willing.