Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 but I must say guest your mud slinging is wrong..the OW made a mistake but we are all duped in the web of lies our MM's spin around us..it is hard to be unaffected. Please go back and read the original post. This OW calls her MM her boyfriend. She's in a pickle! She is well aware that he is married and what they are doing will hurt his wife. She just wants the W to be hurt sooner rather than later. There is no remorse for what she is doing. She just wants her man and will get him even if she has to tell the wife. You know and much as I do, she does not think what she is doing is a mistake. Am I to believe that these married men are so skilled at getting you OW into bed that you just can't say no? How talented they are. The government should round up all the cheating married men and hire them. They have super powers that could solve all the problems in the world. Just imagine, a bunch of guys so good at brainwashing, no one can say no to them. Sounds like a bad sitcom. By the way, when did we lose free will? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I just don't understand why when women meet a man and he says he's married or you know a head of time he is married why don't you move on? Someone posted that the OW fell in love with the MM for the same reasons the W did. He wasn't married when the W feel in love with him and he chose to marry her- it's just not the same thing and not the same love. I am married now but when I was single MM hit on me constantly and I moved on to someone single. I am a firm believer that what goes around comes around. Have more respect for yourself than to lower your standards. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I just don't understand why when women meet a man and he says he's married or you know a head of time he is married why don't you move on? Someone posted that the OW fell in love with the MM for the same reasons the W did. He wasn't married when the W feel in love with him and he chose to marry her- it's just not the same thing and not the same love. I am married now but when I was single MM hit on me constantly and I moved on to someone single. I am a firm believer that what goes around comes around. Have more respect for yourself than to lower your standards. ...and the crowd goes wild with applause. Thank you stillafool, well said. Why is it that the OW is not responsible for who they fall in love with? It's funny how they can fall so in love with someone they know is cheating and lying to their W and family. They deserve everything they get. Even when the MM leaves his wife, he rarely stays with the OW. He doesn't want to have a true loving relationship with someone that screws around with married men. No relationship can be honest and trusting when it starts as an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
reneet Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Thank you, outofdarkness. OW have no place in a decent society. Why do they always play the victim? It's like they had no hand in the situation. Like they were forced into something screaming and kicking. They reality is the only screaming and kicking they do is while their in bed with our husbands and then they get upset when the MM dumps them to stay with us. Guess what guest OW (I'm being nice not calling you what you really are), if your MM wanted his wife to know about you, believe me, she would already know. Do what you want. No matter what, the karma train will get you in the end. I promise. I beg to differ. "Guest" My man left his wife for me 6 years ago. Doesn't want to go back to her. There!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
reneet Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 go to divorcesupport.com Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 then...why are you still posting on the O W forum? Link to post Share on other sites
reneet Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 then...why are you still posting on the O W forum? Same reason you're here? Don't need to be on divorcesupport with all the other crying bw's. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 it is me again the story starter. just to say thaks 4 some of the advice given, it has been noted. we are currently "on a break" til he sorts his ass out, one way or the other. i'm goin to use my willpower not to sort the situation myself, altho it's v tempting, i am quite intelligent and do realize the consequences!! esp thinkin if i tell her i'd never know if he would. but i don't help him cover his tracks, thats not my area. but i just thort i'd add a few facts to make me sound less evil (or just to make myself feel better to the cynics!!) but when we got together he was already living away from his wife 5 or 6 days a week, and when they were together it was very apparent from the constant public arguments that the relationship was nearing its end. i actualy got close to him, thru consoling him and just being a friend to listen to him. another thing, it is not just about sex as someone assumed, i'm sure for alot of ppl it is, but not for me, i held out for about 3 months, which i think is a long time by any mature relationship standard, and i have often put bars on it and kept to it. it was him that did all the chasing, and our relationship was born out of a great friendship, we share much more in common than he does with his wife. she is quiet and quite withdrawn, and doen't really share many interests, where as i'm just as outgoing as him and share his love for football as well as various other things. I'd not been in many/ if any, propper relationships b4 so its not like i'm a slag or anything, just lookin to get any1 into bed. He tells me, and many other ppl he just got married cos it was what all his friends were doing (which is stupid, i know) and he just did it cos it seemed to be what ppl did, also its possible to tell that this wasn't a lie he concocted for me as they got married abroad, and they never sent off the forms to declare it in england, so ulimatley his marage might not even be real in england. people who are madly in love wouldn't leave any form unsigned, for nearly 4 yrs. i posted on here to get advice, pref from those who are or who have been in my situation, and i have recieved some of that info, for which i'm greatful. to all the ppl who haven't been in this situation, with the greatest respect it is impossible to know how it feels on this end, i'm fully awear it's wrong and i should've got out/ never got into it, but as i said when it started it seemed there would only be at most a few months to wait, and after that time i'd fallen hook line and sinker!! hind sight is a wonderful thing, but doesn't help all that much when u pass a certain stage!! anyways thanks for the advice, and cheers poshpricess, u sound to be/been in a very similar situation and it helps so hear that off ppl. i have taken some of the constuctive advice on board, and as i said, its break time, until he does something, it could be the end, if thats the case then i will deal with it, fingers crossed he will follow thru on what he says. but i just feel i want to add one thing that is true in all these situations, if one person strays from a marrage or any relationship it is always because they are not entirely happy in the said relationship. so altho the other woman or man is partly to blame for going ahead with it in the 1st place the blame is def not 50/50, in most cases if the 1st person who a married man approaches says no, then he'll only go on to the next one. (I'm 99.99% certain that isn't the case for me, but thats for me to worry about if i choose.) so don't be too quick to judge, it's made me alot more open minded and less judgemental, that i could end up in this situation, i'm well grounded, been brought up properly, and i could be doing things that are alot worse, at least its only adults involved, it's not like i'm 16 and bringing a child into the world which i can't afford, as happens all the time. i don't condone ppl who go looking for affairs (like a doc i watched on CH4) but i understand these things happen, (its a bit ***** i've ended up in the situation but its just life, not ideal, but thats just how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I beg to differ. "Guest" My man left his wife for me 6 years ago. Doesn't want to go back to her. There!!!!! Well then, I guess you were made for each other. Two cheating lying people. What a beautiful union. I'm sure by now the wife realizes that she is better off without your man. How proud you must be. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Same reason you're here? Don't need to be on divorcesupport with all the other crying bw's. What makes you think that you won't wind up crying and betrayed? You are with a man who is a proven cheater. Oh, that's right, your love is special, he would never do that to you. There are OW just like you that will put out for your man with no problem, but like I said he's yours now so it's different, he always tells you the truth. What's that I hear...the Karma Bus? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 Ariadne I know with me..my MM pursued me, cornered me and told me everything I wanted to hear,and things I didn't...I started to need this, it was a addiction, why? who knows..but part of me longed for him, he told me he deliberately made sure he seen me everyday..why? to keep me hooked, this was in the beginning...it's game with lives on the line and they seem to get off on it. He knows this is what gets you. Have we as women become so needy that as soon as a man tells us what we want to hear we throw all logic and morals to the wind? Has our self-esteem become so low that we will put up with anything and any lie to feed our deflated egos? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 9, 2006 Share Posted October 9, 2006 I beg to differ. "Guest" My man left his wife for me 6 years ago. Doesn't want to go back to her. There!!!!! I wouldn't be so smug if I were you, it's just a matter of time before he does the same thing to YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 what is si?? I am relatively new and don't know...I originally posted my entire story on the infidelity forum...It is under guest b/c I did not at that time feel comfortable setting a user...I was written a couple of weeks ago..Thanks again for the support..You all have been very helpful to me and your advice has been very insightful... outofdarkness si is for [COLOR=#660000]http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp[/COLOR] I don't know if I was allowed to do that, but there it is. I must read your story here and forgot where I read it..my apologises. but I must say guest your mud slinging is wrong..the OW made a mistake but we are all duped in the web of lies our MM's spin around us..it is hard to be unaffected. Please go back and read the original post. This OW calls her MM her boyfriend. She's in a pickle! She is well aware that he is married and what they are doing will hurt his wife. She just wants the W to be hurt sooner rather than later. There is no remorse for what she is doing. She just wants her man and will get him even if she has to tell the wife. You know and much as I do, she does not think what she is doing is a mistake. Am I to believe that these married men are so skilled at getting you OW into bed that you just can't say no? How talented they are. The government should round up all the cheating married men and hire them. They have super powers that could solve all the problems in the world. Just imagine, a bunch of guys so good at brainwashing, no one can say no to them. Sounds like a bad sitcom. By the way, when did we lose free will? He knows this is what gets you. Have we as women become so needy that as soon as a man tells us what we want to hear we throw all logic and morals to the wind? Has our self-esteem become so low that we will put up with anything and any lie to feed our deflated egos? that is the catch 22 with me saf..you quoted me and the one thing I am not is what you are referring to me as...needy and deflated ego..not hardly...and it confuses me because I am not one to get caught up in this sort of thing...yes we all say that but believe me, I am many things but this is not one of them.. as guest gingerly says as I quoted above I am certain sarcastically? are MM's so clever it spin these yarns they give the ow to make them fall for them? no of coarse not but when anyone is around something enough, it does breed familiarity and that is my point. my MM has been after me for 2 years, he wore me down, what can I say? when he started to pull in reigns I realised I loved him...I can't not condone my actions,but it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 You count on the wife leaving him upon discovering his affair, but don't count on that one. He is staying for some reason. Assuming he is at least slightly smarter than a chimp, he may see through your forceful attempt to let his wife know and resent you for that. Men don't like to be cornered. Your biggest mistake is that you think he definitely wants to dump his fie and be with you. If you want him, end the relationship under an excuse that you can't do this anymore and establish no-contact. If he misses you, he will go after you. Can't you see that he isn't leaving his wife and you want his wife to throw him out so that he comes to you? Is that the kind of love you want? Forced, manipulated, and no-other-option type of love? Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I beg to differ. "Guest" My man left his wife for me 6 years ago. Doesn't want to go back to her. There!!!!! How do you know that his wife didn't kick him out? I'm glad it's you, rather than me, who's with a man who's a proven cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 How do you know that his wife didn't kick him out? I'm glad it's you, rather than me, who's with a man who's a proven cheat. Sorry, but just because someone has cheated once doesn't necessarily mean they will do it again. I do believe that there are some men AND women that can't help themselves and cheat time and again, like they have some sort of addiction, but I also think many do it once, regret it and do their best to make amends by working on their marriage, or else they simply fall in love with someone else (as in Reneet's case). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sorry, but just because someone has cheated once doesn't necessarily mean they will do it again. Maybe so, but could you 100% trust that it won't happen? Not intentionally, anyway...If it's possible to be in a relationship, then fall inlove with someone else, who's to say that it won't happen again? Apparently people fall inlove all the time and feel spouses just get in the way..... Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sorry, but just because someone has cheated once doesn't necessarily mean they will do it again. I do believe that there are some men AND women that can't help themselves and cheat time and again, like they have some sort of addiction, but I also think many do it once, regret it and do their best to make amends by working on their marriage, or else they simply fall in love with someone else (as in Reneet's case). Unless I'm very much mistaken, you only know about Reneet's case from what has been posted here and thus know little or nothing about 'her' man. You're an OW, yourself, aren't you? Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Maybe so, but could you 100% trust that it won't happen? Not intentionally, anyway...If it's possible to be in a relationship, then fall inlove with someone else, who's to say that it won't happen again? Apparently people fall inlove all the time and feel spouses just get in the way..... And whose to say that wouldn't happen in a conventional relationship? We can never 100% trust anyone that they won't cheat - ourselves included. And yes, Ripples, I am an OW. None of us really know our OWN MMs real sitch, never mind anyone elses. We only know what they tell us, as any W only knows what their H tells them. If only we could get inside someone else's head then everything would be more straightfoward, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 And whose to say that wouldn't happen in a conventional relationship? We can never 100% trust anyone that they won't cheat - ourselves included. You can't prove that someone won't become a drug addict, wife beater, ect. but the fact remains you are at a greater risk when someone has already exhibited signs of this behavior previously. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 my MM has been after me for 2 years, he wore me down, what can I say? when he started to pull in reigns I realised I loved him...I can't not condone my actions,but it is what it is. This is my point in a way. If the MM has been after you for 2 years you obviously were not firm with him in the beginning. When he first hit on you back 2 years ago, you should have set him straight then in a way that he would never approach you with such an offer again. Let him know that you were insulted that he would even think of you that way. I don't think he would still be coming on to you 2 years later if you had been strict about your feelings in the beginning and made him realize you don't do that type of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I am a BW that is here to answer the original question. Here is my truth: My husband had an affair. The OW did everything possible to make sure I found out short of just telling me. So, eventually I did find out and confronted my husband. At first he denied it, but the proof was overwhelming. I'm not the type of person that wants to be with someone that cheats, and I certainly don't want to be with him if he wants someone else, so I asked him to leave. He begged and cried so much you would think it was me that hurt him. Sure we had problems. We had gotten caught up in everything else around us and our marriage was neglected. I admit that, but it's is no excuse for what he did. The fact is, when he was on the verge of losing our relationship, he was ready to fix the problems. I, on the other-hand don't know if I can forgive him. Time will tell. The point is, he is not with the OW. The problem is, she won't accept that he doesn't want her. He has even told me that if we wind up apart, he would never be with someone like her. It's funny how he talks about her as someone he could never trust, when he is that person to me. He has explained that the type of woman that has affairs with married men are not the type you bring home to mom (his words). How do I feel about the OW? I don't care about her at all. I have never spoken to her, seen her or thought that she deserved anymore of my attention than she was already getting by becoming involved in my marriage. I think that is what you OW don't understand. When you get involved with a married man, you are involved in his marriage. You may want to ignore that we are here, but truth is, we were here first. However, I have kept this where it belongs between me and my husband. The OW that my husband had his affair with thought that she had found her true love. She was sure that if I found out, he would run to her. She was wrong and you need to be prepared for that. I agree with the other posters here that say end the relationship and move on. It is very rare for an OW to get the man in the end. I don't post here much, but I do find that reading both points of view helps me understand how affairs happen even if I will never understand why anyone would get involved in such a destructive situation. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 it is me again the story starter. it was him that did all the chasing, and our relationship was born out of a great friendship, we share much more in common than he does with his wife. she is quiet and quite withdrawn, and doen't really share many interests, where as i'm just as outgoing as him and share his love for football as well as various other things. I'd not been in many/ if any, propper relationships b4 so its not like i'm a slag or anything, just lookin to get any1 into bed. He tells me, and many other ppl he just got married cos it was what all his friends were doing (which is stupid, i know) and he just did it cos it seemed to be what ppl did, also its possible to tell that this wasn't a lie he concocted for me as they got married abroad, and they never sent off the forms to declare it in england, so ulimatley his marage might not even be real in england. people who are madly in love wouldn't leave any form unsigned, for nearly 4 yrs. You can't believe everything the MM tells you. Do you know his wife personally as a friend? They all say they have nothing in common with their wife, etc., that they were drunk when they married her and a whole bunch of ridiculous lies. You will find out the truth if you ever try to get him to leave his wife then you'll know how he really feels about her and about you. Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Yes I have some ideas but this will be harsh. Sorry for that. I am a bs and it colors my words sometimes. Leave him be. He is not for you. He is gaslighting both of you and you are making it worse by playing the game. Leave the wife alone, she didn't ask for this and so doesn't deserve it. You need to get your head on straight and go NO CONTACT with either of them. If he wants to be with you he will, but don't be surprised when he stays with his wife. You have no right to this man. You do have a right to a relationship that is completely honest and one you don't have to hide. Your married man is playing you in my humble opinion. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Hoping you don't end up hurting and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
SomeGirl1955 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Your call on whether you want to clue in his wife or not. But here is something to consider: Why would he want to leave his wife when he can have sex with you AND her? If he leaves her for you, then he gets to have sex with just you. And he is already having sex with you , so just what is there to motivate him to change? If you really want to see if he REALLY loves you and wants just you---STOP having sex with him. You've been at it for 3 years now with him and he hasn't left her. That obviously isn't working. Have some guts and try something different. If he stays with her, well, you have your answer. And you'll probably be scared to do this cause you will be afraid of losing him. Sorry, sugah, you don't have him anyway---SHE does. I say stop the sex, get yourself a date with a single guy. If your MM dumps the wife and comes running after you, then maybe your relationship has a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts