i think his wife should know...

[whichwayisup]

the MM W is no saint in this situation either

 

I don't understand this statement. I guess soon the OP who said this, is gonna say that the KIDS are not saints either. WTF.

 

This is the reason why the BW and the OW won't be able to get along

 

Actually I think the long time posters that are OW and the long time posters who are BS understand eachother now...It's the newer OW who come here, (and there have been afew, but some left or just don't post anymore) that feel that OW/BS can't get along.

 

It still comes down to respect, but with statements like "This is the reason why the BW and the OW won't be able to get along" just pisses off people off in general who reads these threads. I think many BS's and OW's who post here have learned to understand eachother and have some mutual respect.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Guest]

I don't understand this statement. I guess soon the OP who said this, is gonna say that the KIDS are not saints either. WTF.

 

 

 

Actually I think the long time posters that are OW and the long time posters who are BS understand eachother now...It's the newer OW who come here, (and there have been afew, but some left or just don't post anymore) that feel that OW/BS can't get along.

 

It still comes down to respect, but with statements like "This is the reason why the BW and the OW won't be able to get along" just pisses off people off in general who reads these threads. I think many BS's and OW's who post here have learned to understand eachother and have some mutual respect.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

You are so right, it's about respect. If the H and the OW had respect for themselves, the W and marriage in general, we would not be having any of these conversations.

[Guest]

BlueEyedGirl has hit the nail on the head. the MM W is no saint in this situation either and all those cheated on wives here who are condemning the morals and common sense of the OW need to get their head examined:-

 

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

3. Threats were made, I was harrassed by W, and they live in adjacent properties now, but not divorced and care for the kids separately and independently of each other.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

So for the wives who have their husband's "back" after an affair - think about this - he may have told you that he won't see the OW again, but you can bank upon that not happening, esp if it was a long rship. A man doesn't like trouble in his life - staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

Take those rose colored glasses off, you still don't "have" him. He still stays M doesn't he? Actions speak louder than words. You are still not important enough to him for him to be a real man and get a D. His kids will never respect you, and as far I can tell, he doesn't either because he won't stand up and D his "awful W". Keep telling yourself how wonderful you r w/mm is. It's still second to his real life. You choose to be, just as he chooses not to D. His W might not care if he has you, because she has his balls and he lets her keep them tight in her hands. How lucky you are.

[Guest]

1. We are talking about long affairs of at least over a year. The MM is human and does get very attached to the OW, even falls in love with her. This is a RELATIONSHIP and no wife can imagine what her husband and the OW have.

 

So true.

 

2. A W generally knows what is going on. In my situation, after 6 months together with MM, the W realised something was going on - AND NO HE DID NOT LEAVE ME THEN. As I see it in my situation, the W condones what the MM has done only for the sake of maintaining the pretence of marriage and maintaining the life she has become accustomed to.

 

Ditto.

 

So, although W feels like she has won, and she has certainly made our relationship more difficult, what has she really got? A husband that resents her for the threats that she has made about the kids, a husband that feels he has no choice but to stay in the pretence of marriage who continues and will always remain involved with me.

 

Yep. My now ex-MM stayed because of the kids. One of them more or less had a breakdown because of what happened (although she had probs before) which I am certainly not proud of, but she would never had known had his W not told her everything, even to the point of showing her explicit text messages we had sent each other. W is now with a man who is only there because he feels guilty, because every day he is scared that he will come home and his daughter will have killed herself. It's easier for him to stay in an unhappy marriage than to spend every day worrying which I totally understand. Of course, he has bulls**tted to the W too so she doesn't know he is still in love with me. Maybe that's why she feels she can forgive him. I know she is making an effort since she found out so maybe things will work out for them in the end. Who knows? He didn't seem to think they could ever get back what they had but I always say if those feelings were there once they could always be rekindled. She has less reason to feel that way about him than the other way round, if you think about it, as she has lost the trust they once had.

 

staying with you is just his way of avoiding trouble, especially if you have made threats.

 

My ex-MMs W dragging the kids into our A was the biggest threat he could possibly have. She knew exactly where how hurt him and I can't blame her for that but using your own kids and hurting them into the bargain is pretty low. I would be surprised if he will ever forgive her for that.

 

I have to agree that bringing the kids in it was bad, but didn't HE bring them into it when he had an A? He can tell you all day long he went back for the kids, my brother told me this about his W. Funny thing is, when we see them together, he loves her very much, even though we don't like her and I would rather see him D her, he really wants to be with her. He just tells us want we want to hear so he doesn't look like a fool for staying with her. I think your MM is doing the same. As far as trust goes, if they really want the M to work it will. That's why he went back. That's why most do.

[GreenEyedLady]

I see you have a MM that LIED to YOU ...hmmmmmm. Doesn't it bother you at all that he was so deceitful? I know all A's are different, but knowing he didn't tell you he was married, and you still want him makes me want to ask WHY?

 

I wasn't going to respond, but I didn't want to give the appearance of wearing rose colored glasses...OF COURSE it bothers me that he is so deceitful and continues to be...but at least I KNOW that...and I understand why he did it, because he knew that I wouldn't be with him...when I found out, it was too late, way too late...I was in love with him and it had been so long...it was actually devastating...to have all of your hopes destroyed so completely...ok maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but you get the picture...

 

Why do I still want him? ...I don't think of it as "wanting" him...he's not a possession...I guess it's stupid, but I love him, with all of his imperfections and flaws...it's probably similar to how a BS feels, but not of the same magnitude...and to know that someone you loved and trusted could lie to you for so long...I know that I will end it one day...but I'm not ready to yet...

 

I don't expect you or anyone else to understand...to remain is my choice for the present...

 

Peace...to everyone...

[whichwayisup]

...I was in love with him and it had been so long...it was actually devastating...to have all of your hopes destroyed so completely...ok maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but you get the picture...

 

But imagine how his wife feels about him...And they said their vows to eachother!

 

Why do I still want him? ...I don't think of it as "wanting" him...he's not a possession...I guess it's stupid, but I love him, with all of his imperfections and flaws...it's probably similar to how a BS feels, but not of the same magnitude...and to know that someone you loved and trusted could lie to you for so long...I know that I will end it one day...but I'm not ready to yet...

 

You are only hurting yourself more and more. One day it will end and your life is going to be crushed so bad. IS he actually worth it? How long do you intend on staying his OW? Being short changed, put secondbest, not spending holidays with him, not being with his friends and family...You only get one small part of this man...Are the good feelings that he brings out in you enough? Just ask yourself this - 2-5 years from now, when he is still with his wife, and not with you...Will it be enough?

 

I don't expect you or anyone else to understand...to remain is my choice for the present...

 

The choice is yours, and you 'know' what you're settling for. I hope someday you DO gather the strength to leave and get over him.

[GreenEyedLady]

But imagine how his wife feels about him...And they said their vows to eachother!

 

 

 

You are only hurting yourself more and more. One day it will end and your life is going to be crushed so bad. IS he actually worth it? How long do you intend on staying his OW? Being short changed, put secondbest, not spending holidays with him, not being with his friends and family...You only get one small part of this man...Are the good feelings that he brings out in you enough? Just ask yourself this - 2-5 years from now, when he is still with his wife, and not with you...Will it be enough?

 

 

 

The choice is yours, and you 'know' what you're settling for. I hope someday you DO gather the strength to leave and get over him.

 

WWIU: This is why I almost didn't post...there is nothing that you can say to me that I haven't thought about...AND I WILL LEAVE when I am stronger and I know I won't go back...my life will not be "crushed": I have survived worse, way worse and at a young age...I will survive like I always do...and let me tell you this: there is no way it will be 2-5 years...I'm in the best shape of my life at this point (meaning professionally, educationally as well as physically) and I see no point in wasting it...when I am done with a man, I am done...and I'm not at that point with him yet...I still have that glimmer of hope...but it's fading fast...we're almost to the crossroads...

 

Thank you for your concern...I appreciate it, really I do...

[Guest]

I wasn't going to respond, but I didn't want to give the appearance of wearing rose colored glasses...OF COURSE it bothers me that he is so deceitful and continues to be...but at least I KNOW that...and I understand why he did it, because he knew that I wouldn't be with him...when I found out, it was too late, way too late...I was in love with him and it had been so long...it was actually devastating...to have all of your hopes destroyed so completely...ok maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but you get the picture...

 

Why do I still want him? ...I don't think of it as "wanting" him...he's not a possession...I guess it's stupid, but I love him, with all of his imperfections and flaws...it's probably similar to how a BS feels, but not of the same magnitude...and to know that someone you loved and trusted could lie to you for so long...I know that I will end it one day...but I'm not ready to yet...

 

I don't expect you or anyone else to understand...to remain is my choice for the present...

 

Peace...to everyone...

 

Well, atleast one out of his 2 women aren't wearing the glasses!

 

You seem very mature and happy with your MM. but I hope that one day you find that love you deserve from a man whom only wants to be yours. Good Luck to you, I wish you well.

[PoshPrincess]

I have to agree that bringing the kids in it was bad, but didn't HE bring them into it when he had an A? He can tell you all day long he went back for the kids, my brother told me this about his W. Funny thing is, when we see them together, he loves her very much, even though we don't like her and I would rather see him D her, he really wants to be with her. He just tells us want we want to hear so he doesn't look like a fool for staying with her. I think your MM is doing the same. As far as trust goes, if they really want the M to work it will. That's why he went back. That's why most do.

 

Guest, I DO see what you're saying and I know I will NEVER know the REAL truth as to why he went back, just like Ws will never be sure of the real truth of our A. My ex-MM knows that I would rather him be with his W, with me knowing he is there because he wants to be with her and because he is happy again, than to always wonder 'what if'. I care about him enough to want that for him and would never try to jeopardise his M however badly I am feeling. I have no rights to him whatsoever unless that was what he wanted. I feel no animosity towards his W and I hope for both their sakes they CAN work things out. After all, if it was me he truly loved it would be such a waste if he WAS staying just for his kids. That's much harder for me to deal with. I have told him hundreds of times that if he's staying with W then he should make the effort to sort their M out and try and get back what they once had. It certainly sounds like she's trying so I hope he is too. As much as I love him and wish it was me he'd chosen, he hasn't, so I honestly wish them both all the best, hand on heart, because I feel he would be wasting his life otherwise. Of course, that's down to him.